This was something I actually wrote in a thread on the LoveHoney forums, but it turned into a proper essay, and I feel that it sums up my feelings on my body enough that it is worthy of posting here.
To answer the question in the thread title [do you like your naked self?], my reaction to my naked self is "meh, I'm alright". I do have some crazy confidence issues, both in terms of hating parts of my body that don't deserve it, and vice versa.
I am generally confident with my naked body, and much more with my naked body than when I am clothed. Clothes just never seem to fit right, especially around the waist. They seem to pull me in which gives me a bit of a muffin top sometimes. Naked though, I feel much more confident. I'm happy to prance around naked, I love it. I feel like it's just me, without any clothes defining who I am or making me feel bad or uncomfortable.
I am, however, bigger than I really want to be, but it's ALL on my belly. I wear a size 18 top, 16 trousers, but most of my knickers are size 12-14. This is why I hate clothes - tops seem to cling to me and really bring out the worst part of me. I look at myself naked in the mirror and love it most of the time - when I stand head on I have a pretty rocking hourglass going on. It's awful if I turn sideways though. I look like I should be in a diagram for how you look when you're X weeks pregnant! It does bother me a bit, but I generally let it slide. I'm not one of those people who really has serious body issues.
The scales bother me though. At the moment I'm dancing around between 11 and 12 stone. It came as a bit of a shock to me when I first weighed myself recently. I always used to be just over 10 stone, but have had my implant since then which I knew had made me put on weight. Still, I was actually quite pleased with my weight, as I hadn't actually put on as much as I thought I had. I've been getting better with my diet recently - I just don't have the appetite lately which helps, and I'm restricting myself to one 500ml bottle of coke a day (probably still too much, but alot better than I was doing before) and been drinking loads of water. Despite this though, my weight has actually gone up since the last time I weighed myself and I'm now closer to 12 stone than 11. It's stuff like this that knocks my confidence, even though I know it should be about the way I feel about my look rather than the number on the scales.
There are other things I dislike about myself. The other night I was on webcam whilst lying on my bed in the same way I'd be lying during sex, and noticed I had a bit of a double chin going on. I'm sure in that kind of position most people would, but it's sort of in the back of my mind almost every time we have sex now, and while it's not too difficult to dismiss once we get down to it, it's not a nice thing to think about just before sex. I also dislike my bum. I console myself on that one since my OH seems to like it, and it's behind me so I don't really get to see it that often!
In a way I feel quite lucky because it all goes to my belly. It's horrible viewing myself side on, but my arms and legs are pretty good in my opinion, and I've got a cracking pair of breasts on me too! Might sound cocky, but I do feel that confidence isn't about only about ignoring your flaws - it is about recognising your good bits too! A good corset will bring my belly in and leave me feeling sexy as hell, not that I don't feel that way when I'm naked anyway.
I like my tits, I like my legs, even if they're a bit paler than I'd like for this time of year. My arms are okay I guess. My hands are nice, long slim fingers. I dislike feet in general but I think mine are pretty enough. I don't freak when my OH wants to do things to them with his mouth! My hair can be a bit long and impractical at times, but it's nice and thick and looks good when I've had it cut. I have nice eyes, and when I keep my eyebrows maintained, I think it really opens up my whole face. On the odd occasion when I've worn makeup for shows and stuff, I'm always told I look fantastic and not just by my OH, but I've never felt insecure enough that I feel that I need to wear it every day. My eyebrows are really dark and thick, and while it makes them difficult to maintain sometimes, when I go to the salon to get them waxed, I'm told that some people pay to have their eyebrows and eyelashes dyed to be like mine! I have nice eyelashes too - everyone's always commented that I'll never need to wear mascara. My nose is a good shape, and my lips are okay too I guess.
So many positive things I can see about myself, it really helps to concentrate on them. When I look at the list of things I don't like - my belly poking out, the shape of my bum and a double chin when I lie down - it puts it all into perspective really!
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Friday, 9 July 2010
The role of trust in polyamory
This post is for my sister, who requested I write something along these lines after a conversation we had after she read some of my previous posts. While I feel like I've covered polyamory enough already, she requested that I write this because there were some things we spoke about which she told me needed to be said to the world because "it makes it sound less evil".
So, trust. Trust is a big thing in relationships. After all, can you love someone you don't trust?
Trust is even more important in polyamorist relationships. I'm actually reasonably lucky so far in that while it's been agreed that it's okay, my boyfriend hasn't had any other girlfriends on the go in the year and a half we've been together. The idea of him having other girlfriends doesn't thrill me if I'm honest, but I'm not a jealous enough person where the idea is absolutely abhorrent to me. It's hard to say whether I would be jealous and if so, how much, if it actually happened, but right now I feel like any jealousy would be more that he'd be spending time with her that he could be spending with me, than the fact that someone else is getting a look in. We haven't spoken about it in a while, but I'm sure that my boyfriend's position on polyamory right now is more leaving himself open for any girls if they do happen to throw themselves at him, rather than actively seeking out someone else.
I do actually like the strange position of security this gives me in what I'm allowed to do. I wouldn't say I'm actively seeking a female bedroom buddy, but I'd very much like one. As well as this, I also like the idea that, however unlikely it feels to me, if I was to be out somewhere at a party or something and things got heated up with someone else of either gender, I could go ahead and do it without feeling guilty, nor would I have to restrict myself.
Polyamory, however, is not for those who have even the slightest of jealous inclinations, and I'm sure many people wouldn't even get to the agreement of it, let alone deal with the actual practice of it. My sister applauded me on the level of trust me and my boyfriend must have in each other to allow it to happen. And there is alot of trust, but this was where the conversation got interesting.
I've noticed that when people oppose polyamory, they often start throwing up "what if?" scenarios, but when you look at them, the issues involved really aren't that different from those in a monogamous relationship.
For example, one of the questions my sister asked was "Aren't you worried that he'll find someone else he'll love more than you and leave you?"
My boyfriend has a hierarchy thing going on that I detailed in a previous post, but basically I'm at the top and my boyfriend won't ever love anyone else more than me. He could be lying, of course, or he may have just not met that special someone who's even better than I am. Think of all the divorces that happen every day, despite how infatuated and loved up those couples were on their wedding days. Isn't polyamory just putting the relationship at risk by allowing your partner to be with other people? I have to trust that my boyfriend won't find someone else he loves more than me. I trust and believe him when he says he won't.
In my eyes, I'm not in a different situation to anyone else when I look at this issue. When my sister asked me this question, I just turned it right back on her and asked "Well, how do you know YOUR boyfriend isn't going to find someone else he loves more than you?" My sister is in a monogamous relationship, but no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you have to have that trust in your partner that they're not going to run off with someone else they love more than you. This is one of the reasons I don't think polyamory is for everyone - it's not that my sister doesn't have that trust in her boyfriend, but she's too paranoid that it could happen. I'm able to live in a polyamorist relationship because while I accept that it COULD happen, I don't believe it will. People might say I'm being naive and putting too much trust in my boyfriend, but I don't believe that the chances of my boyfriend finding someone else he loves more than me are higher than any other couple in a monogamous relationship. I believe that the chances of it happening are based on the compatibilty of the couple rather than the circumstances around their relationship - if we were monogamous, I dont think the chances would be any less. I feel we're so closely bonded that I can't imagine him finding that with someone else.
Practical issues also come into play, of which there are so many I could sit here all night listing them off. Things like "how do you know he hasn't got another girlfriend right now and just hasn't told you?" This seems to be a big fear, but again, is it any different to a monogamous relationship? I could ask a mono person the same question. How do YOU know that your partner doesn't have someone else on the side you don't know about? I actually feel more secure in my position here. My boyfriend has no reason to lie to me if he has someone else because we've both agreed it's okay, whereas for a mono person there's incentive to lie - the relationship would be over if the other person found out. In a monogamous relationship it would likely be seen as unforgiveable, whereas for me, if he did for some crazy reason conceal information from me, I'd just be pissed that he hadn't told me. It would diminish my trust in him, but it wouldn't make my world crumble around me.
Sex. Again, no different. "What if he had sex with someone else, caught an STD and passed it onto you?" Once again, I feel more secure in my poly position than mono. Imagine a monogamous person having an affair, they want sex but no condoms. Whether they're stupid enough to do it without or if one of them is lying, this person knows that if they get found out, they're in deep shit anyway so hell, let's go for it! In my situation, I like to think that my boyfriend would refuse sex without condoms at least until he's seen conclusive evidence that the other person is clean because he has MORE to lose than the monogamous person. If he makes sure he's doing it right, then hooray! He gets to have sex with two people! When monogamous person gets found out, regardless of whether protection was used, then at best they get sex with their affairee, if they're getting sex with anyone at all.
The idea of having sex with someone else appeals to me quite a bit, although I don't really think it will happen as I don't go to the right places or belong to the right social circles. What I do love is the idea that if my fantasies came true and the opportunity did arise, I wouldn't have to decline like mono person. I would throw myself into it and I wouldn't have to feel guilty afterwards. In fact I'd likely send my boyfriend an excited text immediately afterwards with all the details, and I'd expect something along the lines of "HIGH FIVE!" back.
I do feel that polyamory, if the initial trust is there at the beginning, will make you trust each other even more and will bring forth an unprecedented level of openness between you both. I'll never forget the text I got from my boyfriend when we'd not long been together. He was perving on other girls' breasts from above at college and he texted me to tell me that none of them matched up to mine. Can you imagine a man in a monogamous relationship daring to tell his girlfriend that? Nonetheless, it got a big "awww!" from me. This week, he was telling me about a really attractive girl he'd seen on the way to my place. Again, not something a mono man would dare tell his woman, but it was advantageous to me. I was taking mental notes as he described what it was about the way this girl was dressed and made up for future reference. Valuable information I wouldn't have gotten otherwise! I feel much more secure because he tells me what he does actually do, rather than me having to hope he's not doing anything. I feel I know him much better because of what he tells me he does, and I think mono women are naive to think that their men don't EVER glance at other women from time to time.
I started this post saying that trust was very important in polyamorist relationships, but coming out the other side, I almost want to take it back! I've actually started to feel that trust is more important in monogamous relationships, as unlike polyamory, there's actually a reason to hide what you do with other people, and you have to trust that your partner isn't lying to you. It's true that my boyfriend could be lying to me, but if you're monogamous then your partner has more reason to lie to you than mine does.
So, trust. Trust is a big thing in relationships. After all, can you love someone you don't trust?
Trust is even more important in polyamorist relationships. I'm actually reasonably lucky so far in that while it's been agreed that it's okay, my boyfriend hasn't had any other girlfriends on the go in the year and a half we've been together. The idea of him having other girlfriends doesn't thrill me if I'm honest, but I'm not a jealous enough person where the idea is absolutely abhorrent to me. It's hard to say whether I would be jealous and if so, how much, if it actually happened, but right now I feel like any jealousy would be more that he'd be spending time with her that he could be spending with me, than the fact that someone else is getting a look in. We haven't spoken about it in a while, but I'm sure that my boyfriend's position on polyamory right now is more leaving himself open for any girls if they do happen to throw themselves at him, rather than actively seeking out someone else.
I do actually like the strange position of security this gives me in what I'm allowed to do. I wouldn't say I'm actively seeking a female bedroom buddy, but I'd very much like one. As well as this, I also like the idea that, however unlikely it feels to me, if I was to be out somewhere at a party or something and things got heated up with someone else of either gender, I could go ahead and do it without feeling guilty, nor would I have to restrict myself.
Polyamory, however, is not for those who have even the slightest of jealous inclinations, and I'm sure many people wouldn't even get to the agreement of it, let alone deal with the actual practice of it. My sister applauded me on the level of trust me and my boyfriend must have in each other to allow it to happen. And there is alot of trust, but this was where the conversation got interesting.
I've noticed that when people oppose polyamory, they often start throwing up "what if?" scenarios, but when you look at them, the issues involved really aren't that different from those in a monogamous relationship.
For example, one of the questions my sister asked was "Aren't you worried that he'll find someone else he'll love more than you and leave you?"
My boyfriend has a hierarchy thing going on that I detailed in a previous post, but basically I'm at the top and my boyfriend won't ever love anyone else more than me. He could be lying, of course, or he may have just not met that special someone who's even better than I am. Think of all the divorces that happen every day, despite how infatuated and loved up those couples were on their wedding days. Isn't polyamory just putting the relationship at risk by allowing your partner to be with other people? I have to trust that my boyfriend won't find someone else he loves more than me. I trust and believe him when he says he won't.
In my eyes, I'm not in a different situation to anyone else when I look at this issue. When my sister asked me this question, I just turned it right back on her and asked "Well, how do you know YOUR boyfriend isn't going to find someone else he loves more than you?" My sister is in a monogamous relationship, but no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you have to have that trust in your partner that they're not going to run off with someone else they love more than you. This is one of the reasons I don't think polyamory is for everyone - it's not that my sister doesn't have that trust in her boyfriend, but she's too paranoid that it could happen. I'm able to live in a polyamorist relationship because while I accept that it COULD happen, I don't believe it will. People might say I'm being naive and putting too much trust in my boyfriend, but I don't believe that the chances of my boyfriend finding someone else he loves more than me are higher than any other couple in a monogamous relationship. I believe that the chances of it happening are based on the compatibilty of the couple rather than the circumstances around their relationship - if we were monogamous, I dont think the chances would be any less. I feel we're so closely bonded that I can't imagine him finding that with someone else.
Practical issues also come into play, of which there are so many I could sit here all night listing them off. Things like "how do you know he hasn't got another girlfriend right now and just hasn't told you?" This seems to be a big fear, but again, is it any different to a monogamous relationship? I could ask a mono person the same question. How do YOU know that your partner doesn't have someone else on the side you don't know about? I actually feel more secure in my position here. My boyfriend has no reason to lie to me if he has someone else because we've both agreed it's okay, whereas for a mono person there's incentive to lie - the relationship would be over if the other person found out. In a monogamous relationship it would likely be seen as unforgiveable, whereas for me, if he did for some crazy reason conceal information from me, I'd just be pissed that he hadn't told me. It would diminish my trust in him, but it wouldn't make my world crumble around me.
Sex. Again, no different. "What if he had sex with someone else, caught an STD and passed it onto you?" Once again, I feel more secure in my poly position than mono. Imagine a monogamous person having an affair, they want sex but no condoms. Whether they're stupid enough to do it without or if one of them is lying, this person knows that if they get found out, they're in deep shit anyway so hell, let's go for it! In my situation, I like to think that my boyfriend would refuse sex without condoms at least until he's seen conclusive evidence that the other person is clean because he has MORE to lose than the monogamous person. If he makes sure he's doing it right, then hooray! He gets to have sex with two people! When monogamous person gets found out, regardless of whether protection was used, then at best they get sex with their affairee, if they're getting sex with anyone at all.
The idea of having sex with someone else appeals to me quite a bit, although I don't really think it will happen as I don't go to the right places or belong to the right social circles. What I do love is the idea that if my fantasies came true and the opportunity did arise, I wouldn't have to decline like mono person. I would throw myself into it and I wouldn't have to feel guilty afterwards. In fact I'd likely send my boyfriend an excited text immediately afterwards with all the details, and I'd expect something along the lines of "HIGH FIVE!" back.
I do feel that polyamory, if the initial trust is there at the beginning, will make you trust each other even more and will bring forth an unprecedented level of openness between you both. I'll never forget the text I got from my boyfriend when we'd not long been together. He was perving on other girls' breasts from above at college and he texted me to tell me that none of them matched up to mine. Can you imagine a man in a monogamous relationship daring to tell his girlfriend that? Nonetheless, it got a big "awww!" from me. This week, he was telling me about a really attractive girl he'd seen on the way to my place. Again, not something a mono man would dare tell his woman, but it was advantageous to me. I was taking mental notes as he described what it was about the way this girl was dressed and made up for future reference. Valuable information I wouldn't have gotten otherwise! I feel much more secure because he tells me what he does actually do, rather than me having to hope he's not doing anything. I feel I know him much better because of what he tells me he does, and I think mono women are naive to think that their men don't EVER glance at other women from time to time.
I started this post saying that trust was very important in polyamorist relationships, but coming out the other side, I almost want to take it back! I've actually started to feel that trust is more important in monogamous relationships, as unlike polyamory, there's actually a reason to hide what you do with other people, and you have to trust that your partner isn't lying to you. It's true that my boyfriend could be lying to me, but if you're monogamous then your partner has more reason to lie to you than mine does.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
The value of different relationships
I'm not feeling so great right now. I have had an absolutely fantastic day with my boyfriend. It was brilliant. We got to laze about naked while it was really hot outside, we had some fantastic sex and we spoke for hours about all kinds of different things. I love my boyfriend so much, we really connect on both a physical and a mental level. This was day 2 of a so far fantastic week for me, and I really didn't want anything to ruin it.
Except it did. I hate it when my boyfriend goes home. Not only for the obvious reason that he's leaving, but it means I have to go back to my parents (who I unfortunately still live with). EVERY time I come back inside from saying goodbye to him, it starts. The tirade begins, and the general gist of it is this - my boyfriend is using me because all we do is go up in my room and have sex. We need to get out more. I argue back, but they just don't listen.
To be fair, most of our relationship does take place in my bedroom. This is mainly because it's the most convenient place we have where we can both be together, and admittedly, with the door locked there aren't any clothes being worn. And we have sex a lot. Does this make our relationship worthless?
There seems to be this idea (not just from my parents, but society in general) that a man and a woman can't be behind closed doors without being at it like rabbits. Whilst me and my boyfriend do have sex while we're together, we also sit and talk about all kinds of random crap. We've always talked about random crap, years before we were together. He managed to end up as my boyfriend because we'd spent so long talking about random stuff, we really got to know each other on a level that I'd never got to know anyone on before. However, because we have sex as well, does this cancel out this quality time?
My parents seem to think my boyfriend is just using me for sex, because we have sex every time he comes over. Is it unnatural for a guy and a girl in their early twenties to be having sex when they see each other once a week? To be honest, we don't go out much. I'll admit that perhaps we should, but not at all for the reasons my parents think. My parents seem to think that having a relationship is all about going random places. Sometimes I think my parents went to so many places (I've been subjected to so many stories) that they hardly knew each other beyond their knowledge of the places the other liked to frequent. My dad spent a few years working away in London. He'd spend Mon-Fri working in London, and then on the Friday night he drove the few hours home and then they'd go to the pub together. Personally, this seems insane to me. Once or twice perhaps, but if I'd been working away and hadn't seen my boyfriend for a week (which is usually the norm for me, actually), the last place I'd want to be is the pub. I'd want to be at home having some quiet, quality time with my partner. When my parents rant and rave and I ask where we should go, they don't really have any suggestions. The beach, the moors, places like that. Places they know full well that I absolutely hated when they dragged me there as a child, and places I'd refuse to go to if my boyfriend asked me to go there with him. Their only other suggestions seem to be the pub or the cinema - neither of us drink and I hate being around drunk people, and I have quite bizarre tastes in films. Without going to detail, if it was made in Hollywood, I probably hate it, and the more up to date it is the more I hate it. You can imagine that it's rare that a cinema shows a film I want to see (once or twice a year at the most). I also have bizarre tastes in music. The contents of my MP3 player, with only a very few exceptions, consist of soundtracks to the crazy films and plays I like, along with one artist who I particularly like. I would really love to see her in concert actually. The problem there? She's American. Most of her concerts are in America, and although she does a few over here, they're small affairs. She's an independent artist and isn't terribly well known. No gigs at the O2 arena or anything like that. Occasionally she'll fill a theatre, but most of the time she performs in pubs and bars. All of these are in London, several hundred miles up the road from me, neither practical or affordable to get to even if I got the weekend off work. They say we should go and get food somewhere together. We've been to get KFC a few times, but it's wrong because we come home to eat it. When my parents were dating, they kept a bottle of vinegar in their glove compartment because they went to the chip shop that often (you couldn't make this stuff up). I think that's terrible! It's not something to boast about!
The only suggestion I have to add to this list is shopping, but I hate shopping with other people. I can't stand it. I much prefer to go on my own because my taste in shops is embarrassing, and the shops I do go in I end up coming out of without having really looked at anything because I'm worried the other person is getting bored.
This isn't to say we've never gone anywhere together. As I said, we've been to KFC a few times, we went to the Rocky Horror Show together, we saw Alice in Wonderland and New Moon in the cinema, and we'll be seeing Eclipse when it comes out. He came with me when my amateur dramatics group got together to watch the video of our show. We've been to the chip shop a few times. I took him to the leisure park I work at and went on the rides. I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting. My parents forget all this stuff however, because we only go out every few months, rather than every week.
In a relationship, I don't look for someone to go around doing random things with. I want someone who I can be me with. When I was single, I rarely went out anywhere, and I spent most of the time in my bedroom anyway. However, now I have a boyfriend, this is suddenly terribly wrong. Someone please tell me if I'm wrong, but am I supposed to suddenly change who I am now I have a boyfriend? Am I supposed to start enjoying things that I hated before?
Even now, my parents go out together on the weekends. That's great, but they have to do that. I really don't think they're actually capable of sitting down in a room and being able to hold any kind of lengthly conversation without it turning into an argument or my dad needing to turn the TV on. When my parents go out, a lot of the time they don't even stay together. Dad will be wandering on twenty meters ahead of Mum. She can't look at anything and she gets highly frustrated by it. Me? I find it difficult to be anywhere with my boyfriend if we're not holding hands.
Me and my boyfriend, we could talk for days. We never run out of things to talk about. It can be the most random things, but we get to know each other better through these things. Today we spoke about hats, tattoos and piercings, amongst many other things. It sounds arbitrary, but it led onto so much other stuff, I feel like I know him that little bit better now.
As I mentioned earlier, my parents say my boyfriend is using me for sex. To quote my dad: "He could have two other girlfriends on the go for all you know!" I've told him that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Sometimes he asks me to enlighten him, but I refuse. He says it's because I'm talking out my ass, but in fact it's because it's deeply personal. Being a parent does not give you automatic rights to know what goes on in your child's relationship (at least when your child is now an adult themselves), even when it's going on under your roof. There are some choices and personality factors that I would never expect my parents to accept or even understand.
Those of you who've read my previous posts will know that my boyfriend is polyamorous. I'm okay with this, I accept it. However, as much as I think it, I can't tell my parents that actually, under the right and agreed upon circumstances, it would be okay if he had two other girlfriends on the go. The only way it would be unacceptable to me would be if he hadn't told me about them, which given the fact I know he's poly would be a stupid and incomprehensible thing for him to do.
My boyfriend is not using me for sex. If anything, I'm using him for sex. If one of us is going to end the day without having an orgasm, you can bet your life savings that it'll be him, not me. If he can't give it to me, I will get my toys out and give it to myself. I LOVE sex. It's fantastic and absolutely fascinating. However, no matter how much I love sex and how much we do it, there is more to our relationship than that. I'm aware that, no matter how unbelievable it seems to us right now, that as we get older the sex will slowly dry up. But at least when it does dry up, we'll still have our personalities and be able to occupy each other with talk about what we're going to do when we're running the country, which games are the best to play, my boyfriend's love for prime numbers, the computers we want vs. the computers we have and so on and so forth. I'm trying now to think of the last casual conversation I heard my parents have. I honestly can't remember.
People are different, and the relationships they have are different. This is what my parents can't fathom, no matter how much I tell them. Me and my boyfriend do more than have sex, but if that's all we did, would our relationship be completely worthless? It's open to debate, but it's not the case anyway. Personally, I judge the success of a relationship on the happiness and compatibility of the two people involved than how many photos you've got in your photo album. I will rest in the knowledge that if a disease wipes through the world, making all our genitals disappear and collapsing the world economy, we'll live a penniless existence in the woods, happy enough just being with each other and talking until the world's end while making bets on which of my parents is going to kill the other first.
Except it did. I hate it when my boyfriend goes home. Not only for the obvious reason that he's leaving, but it means I have to go back to my parents (who I unfortunately still live with). EVERY time I come back inside from saying goodbye to him, it starts. The tirade begins, and the general gist of it is this - my boyfriend is using me because all we do is go up in my room and have sex. We need to get out more. I argue back, but they just don't listen.
To be fair, most of our relationship does take place in my bedroom. This is mainly because it's the most convenient place we have where we can both be together, and admittedly, with the door locked there aren't any clothes being worn. And we have sex a lot. Does this make our relationship worthless?
There seems to be this idea (not just from my parents, but society in general) that a man and a woman can't be behind closed doors without being at it like rabbits. Whilst me and my boyfriend do have sex while we're together, we also sit and talk about all kinds of random crap. We've always talked about random crap, years before we were together. He managed to end up as my boyfriend because we'd spent so long talking about random stuff, we really got to know each other on a level that I'd never got to know anyone on before. However, because we have sex as well, does this cancel out this quality time?
My parents seem to think my boyfriend is just using me for sex, because we have sex every time he comes over. Is it unnatural for a guy and a girl in their early twenties to be having sex when they see each other once a week? To be honest, we don't go out much. I'll admit that perhaps we should, but not at all for the reasons my parents think. My parents seem to think that having a relationship is all about going random places. Sometimes I think my parents went to so many places (I've been subjected to so many stories) that they hardly knew each other beyond their knowledge of the places the other liked to frequent. My dad spent a few years working away in London. He'd spend Mon-Fri working in London, and then on the Friday night he drove the few hours home and then they'd go to the pub together. Personally, this seems insane to me. Once or twice perhaps, but if I'd been working away and hadn't seen my boyfriend for a week (which is usually the norm for me, actually), the last place I'd want to be is the pub. I'd want to be at home having some quiet, quality time with my partner. When my parents rant and rave and I ask where we should go, they don't really have any suggestions. The beach, the moors, places like that. Places they know full well that I absolutely hated when they dragged me there as a child, and places I'd refuse to go to if my boyfriend asked me to go there with him. Their only other suggestions seem to be the pub or the cinema - neither of us drink and I hate being around drunk people, and I have quite bizarre tastes in films. Without going to detail, if it was made in Hollywood, I probably hate it, and the more up to date it is the more I hate it. You can imagine that it's rare that a cinema shows a film I want to see (once or twice a year at the most). I also have bizarre tastes in music. The contents of my MP3 player, with only a very few exceptions, consist of soundtracks to the crazy films and plays I like, along with one artist who I particularly like. I would really love to see her in concert actually. The problem there? She's American. Most of her concerts are in America, and although she does a few over here, they're small affairs. She's an independent artist and isn't terribly well known. No gigs at the O2 arena or anything like that. Occasionally she'll fill a theatre, but most of the time she performs in pubs and bars. All of these are in London, several hundred miles up the road from me, neither practical or affordable to get to even if I got the weekend off work. They say we should go and get food somewhere together. We've been to get KFC a few times, but it's wrong because we come home to eat it. When my parents were dating, they kept a bottle of vinegar in their glove compartment because they went to the chip shop that often (you couldn't make this stuff up). I think that's terrible! It's not something to boast about!
The only suggestion I have to add to this list is shopping, but I hate shopping with other people. I can't stand it. I much prefer to go on my own because my taste in shops is embarrassing, and the shops I do go in I end up coming out of without having really looked at anything because I'm worried the other person is getting bored.
This isn't to say we've never gone anywhere together. As I said, we've been to KFC a few times, we went to the Rocky Horror Show together, we saw Alice in Wonderland and New Moon in the cinema, and we'll be seeing Eclipse when it comes out. He came with me when my amateur dramatics group got together to watch the video of our show. We've been to the chip shop a few times. I took him to the leisure park I work at and went on the rides. I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting. My parents forget all this stuff however, because we only go out every few months, rather than every week.
In a relationship, I don't look for someone to go around doing random things with. I want someone who I can be me with. When I was single, I rarely went out anywhere, and I spent most of the time in my bedroom anyway. However, now I have a boyfriend, this is suddenly terribly wrong. Someone please tell me if I'm wrong, but am I supposed to suddenly change who I am now I have a boyfriend? Am I supposed to start enjoying things that I hated before?
Even now, my parents go out together on the weekends. That's great, but they have to do that. I really don't think they're actually capable of sitting down in a room and being able to hold any kind of lengthly conversation without it turning into an argument or my dad needing to turn the TV on. When my parents go out, a lot of the time they don't even stay together. Dad will be wandering on twenty meters ahead of Mum. She can't look at anything and she gets highly frustrated by it. Me? I find it difficult to be anywhere with my boyfriend if we're not holding hands.
Me and my boyfriend, we could talk for days. We never run out of things to talk about. It can be the most random things, but we get to know each other better through these things. Today we spoke about hats, tattoos and piercings, amongst many other things. It sounds arbitrary, but it led onto so much other stuff, I feel like I know him that little bit better now.
As I mentioned earlier, my parents say my boyfriend is using me for sex. To quote my dad: "He could have two other girlfriends on the go for all you know!" I've told him that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Sometimes he asks me to enlighten him, but I refuse. He says it's because I'm talking out my ass, but in fact it's because it's deeply personal. Being a parent does not give you automatic rights to know what goes on in your child's relationship (at least when your child is now an adult themselves), even when it's going on under your roof. There are some choices and personality factors that I would never expect my parents to accept or even understand.
Those of you who've read my previous posts will know that my boyfriend is polyamorous. I'm okay with this, I accept it. However, as much as I think it, I can't tell my parents that actually, under the right and agreed upon circumstances, it would be okay if he had two other girlfriends on the go. The only way it would be unacceptable to me would be if he hadn't told me about them, which given the fact I know he's poly would be a stupid and incomprehensible thing for him to do.
My boyfriend is not using me for sex. If anything, I'm using him for sex. If one of us is going to end the day without having an orgasm, you can bet your life savings that it'll be him, not me. If he can't give it to me, I will get my toys out and give it to myself. I LOVE sex. It's fantastic and absolutely fascinating. However, no matter how much I love sex and how much we do it, there is more to our relationship than that. I'm aware that, no matter how unbelievable it seems to us right now, that as we get older the sex will slowly dry up. But at least when it does dry up, we'll still have our personalities and be able to occupy each other with talk about what we're going to do when we're running the country, which games are the best to play, my boyfriend's love for prime numbers, the computers we want vs. the computers we have and so on and so forth. I'm trying now to think of the last casual conversation I heard my parents have. I honestly can't remember.
People are different, and the relationships they have are different. This is what my parents can't fathom, no matter how much I tell them. Me and my boyfriend do more than have sex, but if that's all we did, would our relationship be completely worthless? It's open to debate, but it's not the case anyway. Personally, I judge the success of a relationship on the happiness and compatibility of the two people involved than how many photos you've got in your photo album. I will rest in the knowledge that if a disease wipes through the world, making all our genitals disappear and collapsing the world economy, we'll live a penniless existence in the woods, happy enough just being with each other and talking until the world's end while making bets on which of my parents is going to kill the other first.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Chance and Destiny
I like to believe in fate. I can't say whether I actually do believe in it or not, but there are some brilliant things in my life that terrify me over how easily they could have just not happened.
How me and my boyfriend met was very much down to chance. We both got involved in a youth organisation, and it would have been so easy for one or both of us to have not joined. My tutor at college encouraged me to join, while he can't even remember why he joined. The first meeting of this organisation was a Saturday, and I work on Saturdays. Again, I could have so easily not made the effort to get that day off work. We'd likely still have met, but that first meeting was more of a social, get to know everyone kind of thing. I might not have caught his eye otherwise.
I didn't appreciate it at the time, but he really made an effort to get in contact with me. It felt kinda stalker-ish at the time, but I'm really glad he did now. It shows me that even back then, he was really serious about me. He knew (or otherwise found out) what college I went to and phoned them up, asking if I had a college email address. I didn't, but he left his email address and asked them to pass it on (which they did, after they phoned up his college to check he actually was a student where he said he was). I emailed him, having no idea what the conversation was going to be about.
He eventually got hold of my phone number too, which again was something I didn't appreciate at the time, but I'm glad it happened now, because it was another way we got talking.
I have to admit that I didn't really like him at the beginning. I was not of the maturity level to have a relationship, even though I was sixteen, and I didn't have the skills to be able to do gentle rejections or anything like that. I had no handle over guys. Meanwhile, my boyfriend would not take no for an answer. He did freak me out quite a bit. There were times when he crossed lines that he shouldn't have crossed, and I didn't handle it maturely either. I don't have the original emails saved (plus some of it happened on a forum which is no longer in existence, where he Googled me and found me), but I do have some of the early ones. I read them maybe once or twice a year, and it's difficult to get my head around the fact that these emails were actually between me and him. It's like they're two completely different people.
I'm way too forgiving in nature. People can do things that really piss me off, but I find it difficult to hold a grudge for very long, even when I want to. It annoys me sometimes, but I like to think part of it is fate. Back then, my boyfriend did some things that would have warranted me never talking to him again. I actually told myself once that I wasn't going to talk again, but obviously I did. I don't think I even lasted a day.
They were dark and embarrassing times. I hate thinking about them and I hate talking about them. I really do find it difficult to think of as me and him back then, and its embarrassing to think about the way we were. Even if I had been ready for a relationship, I'm completely glad I didn't say yes to him. There is no way we'd have what we have now. Although the early days were bad days some of the time, they were necessary, and I'm really glad they happened. If we'd got together from the start, it's unlikely we'd still be together, because we weren't compatible back then, and being together wouldn't have given us the opportunities to slowly change each other.
What I've learnt from this whole experience is to never write anyone off in life. You never know what that person might bring to your life if you let them. If you had told me back then, when I was sixteen, this creepy guy who wouldn't leave me alone was eventually going to become my first boyfriend when I was 21, there was no way in hell I'd have believed you. He pissed me off a lot back then, but the ends justifies the means I suppose, even if it was somewhat accidental. If it weren't for my forgiving personality, then things would have turned out a lot differently, and we'd never have discovered how compatible with each other we actually are, or rather, how compatible we became. He eventually got the message that I wasn't interested in him romantically, so we just kept it as friends, got talking and we ended up changing each other (he taught me to be more self-confident, while I showed him how to not consider himself the be all and end all of everything, and we met in the middle). Over years of talking, I eventually actually did get romantic feelings for him because of the ways we changed and how well we got to know each other.
We talk about it sometimes, how scared I am how it could not have happened. The thing is though, I can't say that there isn't someone out there who is even more suited to me than he is, but fate or chance never threw that person my way. If it had happened that way, my boyfriend now could have been that guy who might be more suited but I never found him. I guess you can't miss what you don't have. It's awful to think of my life without him, but I wouldn't miss him because I wouldn't know him.
When we talk about it, he always says it's destiny. I like that idea. We're so suited to each other, and the circumstances that led to us being together were so long, complicated and unusual that it would have been so easy for it not to happen. If you took away just one component then it could have never have happened. I could have stayed pissed at him and never spoken to him again. He could have been more well-adjusted at the time and taken no for an answer, and never spoken again. Even further back than that, I might not have been able to persuade my parents to get the internet (before me and my boyfriend met) and I wouldn't have had an email address for him to contact me with. I had only recently had my first mobile phone then. What if I'd been turned down for the job that gave me the wages to buy that phone?
My boyfriend tells me it was destiny, it had to happen that way. If things had been different, he would have found a way. I can see how people find comfort in religion, because I'm personally terrified over how easily the best thing in my life could have not happened. The idea of fate is comforting to me, because the alternative scares me too much.
How me and my boyfriend met was very much down to chance. We both got involved in a youth organisation, and it would have been so easy for one or both of us to have not joined. My tutor at college encouraged me to join, while he can't even remember why he joined. The first meeting of this organisation was a Saturday, and I work on Saturdays. Again, I could have so easily not made the effort to get that day off work. We'd likely still have met, but that first meeting was more of a social, get to know everyone kind of thing. I might not have caught his eye otherwise.
I didn't appreciate it at the time, but he really made an effort to get in contact with me. It felt kinda stalker-ish at the time, but I'm really glad he did now. It shows me that even back then, he was really serious about me. He knew (or otherwise found out) what college I went to and phoned them up, asking if I had a college email address. I didn't, but he left his email address and asked them to pass it on (which they did, after they phoned up his college to check he actually was a student where he said he was). I emailed him, having no idea what the conversation was going to be about.
He eventually got hold of my phone number too, which again was something I didn't appreciate at the time, but I'm glad it happened now, because it was another way we got talking.
I have to admit that I didn't really like him at the beginning. I was not of the maturity level to have a relationship, even though I was sixteen, and I didn't have the skills to be able to do gentle rejections or anything like that. I had no handle over guys. Meanwhile, my boyfriend would not take no for an answer. He did freak me out quite a bit. There were times when he crossed lines that he shouldn't have crossed, and I didn't handle it maturely either. I don't have the original emails saved (plus some of it happened on a forum which is no longer in existence, where he Googled me and found me), but I do have some of the early ones. I read them maybe once or twice a year, and it's difficult to get my head around the fact that these emails were actually between me and him. It's like they're two completely different people.
I'm way too forgiving in nature. People can do things that really piss me off, but I find it difficult to hold a grudge for very long, even when I want to. It annoys me sometimes, but I like to think part of it is fate. Back then, my boyfriend did some things that would have warranted me never talking to him again. I actually told myself once that I wasn't going to talk again, but obviously I did. I don't think I even lasted a day.
They were dark and embarrassing times. I hate thinking about them and I hate talking about them. I really do find it difficult to think of as me and him back then, and its embarrassing to think about the way we were. Even if I had been ready for a relationship, I'm completely glad I didn't say yes to him. There is no way we'd have what we have now. Although the early days were bad days some of the time, they were necessary, and I'm really glad they happened. If we'd got together from the start, it's unlikely we'd still be together, because we weren't compatible back then, and being together wouldn't have given us the opportunities to slowly change each other.
What I've learnt from this whole experience is to never write anyone off in life. You never know what that person might bring to your life if you let them. If you had told me back then, when I was sixteen, this creepy guy who wouldn't leave me alone was eventually going to become my first boyfriend when I was 21, there was no way in hell I'd have believed you. He pissed me off a lot back then, but the ends justifies the means I suppose, even if it was somewhat accidental. If it weren't for my forgiving personality, then things would have turned out a lot differently, and we'd never have discovered how compatible with each other we actually are, or rather, how compatible we became. He eventually got the message that I wasn't interested in him romantically, so we just kept it as friends, got talking and we ended up changing each other (he taught me to be more self-confident, while I showed him how to not consider himself the be all and end all of everything, and we met in the middle). Over years of talking, I eventually actually did get romantic feelings for him because of the ways we changed and how well we got to know each other.
We talk about it sometimes, how scared I am how it could not have happened. The thing is though, I can't say that there isn't someone out there who is even more suited to me than he is, but fate or chance never threw that person my way. If it had happened that way, my boyfriend now could have been that guy who might be more suited but I never found him. I guess you can't miss what you don't have. It's awful to think of my life without him, but I wouldn't miss him because I wouldn't know him.
When we talk about it, he always says it's destiny. I like that idea. We're so suited to each other, and the circumstances that led to us being together were so long, complicated and unusual that it would have been so easy for it not to happen. If you took away just one component then it could have never have happened. I could have stayed pissed at him and never spoken to him again. He could have been more well-adjusted at the time and taken no for an answer, and never spoken again. Even further back than that, I might not have been able to persuade my parents to get the internet (before me and my boyfriend met) and I wouldn't have had an email address for him to contact me with. I had only recently had my first mobile phone then. What if I'd been turned down for the job that gave me the wages to buy that phone?
My boyfriend tells me it was destiny, it had to happen that way. If things had been different, he would have found a way. I can see how people find comfort in religion, because I'm personally terrified over how easily the best thing in my life could have not happened. The idea of fate is comforting to me, because the alternative scares me too much.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Openness
I've had lots of people say they admire me and my blog for how open and honest I am. It sort of feels strange when people say that because I don't really think about it like that. I just seem to come out with all this stuff because it's just what I think.
Throughout my life, I've always been a very quiet person. My brain is always buzzing and I never stop thinking, but it's only in recent years that I've started letting these thoughts come out of my mouth (or fingers, if we're talking about the internet). Especially in secondary school, I never had much confidence in myself, and I think subconsciously I had a fear of saying what I thought because I was scared of making a fool of myself. I was also aware that I didn't quite think or act the same way as everyone else.
It's strange now, because I've had experience of life on the other side, as it were. One of the things I love about my boyfriend, is that he and I are incredibly similar in the way we think. If I'd been born male, I'd be just like him, and the same vice versa. I feel so lucky to have him, because I feel a real mental compatibility with him that I've never felt anything even remotely similar with anyone else I've ever met. I can just tell him anything.
The most wonderful thing about my boyfriend is that he doesn't judge me, or anyone else. I think this is really why I can come out about stuff to him that I would never say to anyone else. It's helped me to come out of my shell and really be myself with him, which I think is incredibly important. In ways, it feels like I'm not being myself around him, because he doesn't get to see the same me that the rest of the world sees, but I think really he's seeing more of the real me. He sees the way I act because of the thoughts in my head, uninhibited. The rest of the world sees the way I act based on so many different things - self-consciousness, feelings for my social setting and the people I'm with, even environmental things like time of day, weather and things like that. All these things can really affect my mood and how much I'm willing to reveal of myself. I'm getting much better lately. Before, I was so reserved it was almost to the point of being anti-social. Things I revealed about myself were on a need-to-know basis.
When I was in year seven, I was actually quite outgoing. I had a reasonable group of friends and I wasn't really afraid to express who I was. However, at the end of year seven one of these friends left to live in another country, and the whole group sort of lost touch with each other. I joined a few more friendship groups after that but I never really had the same kind of connection.
There was one specific occasion I remember when I was doing my A-Levels. In one of my classes there was one guy who was a proper lad. He was really outgoing and nothing fazed him. One lesson, he randomly got an erection, and he announced it to the entire class. Shock, laughter etc., but nothing compared to the shock and laughter when I said he didn't need to tell everyone. It was kind of embarrassing, and they were all shocked that I didn't have much of a problem with him having an erection, just the fact he told us all. I wished I hadn't said it, and a while later I sort of thought "Okay, maybe it was a bit gross", but I look back on it now and I don't really think that at all. My issue really was that he announced it to the whole class. The morality or whatever you want to call it of getting an erection in a lesson can be debated by other people, but honestly, if he hadn't announced it, nobody would have known. I sit at work, rating customers in my mind (both male and female) and thinking about whether I'd do them, comparing my boobs to the boobs of other women and all sorts like that. It feels strange me admitting that because it feels really unprofessional, but the fact is that it's all in my mind. I'm never going to admit what I'm thinking to the person or any other person, and I'm never going to act on any of these thoughts, so what's the harm? I know my unease at admitting that comes from other people who believe there is harm in it.
I admit there are sides of me that my boyfriend probably doesn't see as much, or at all, but I think it's only natural. One time, I randomly decided to do a full blown song and dance performance to the opening song of Repo! The Genetic Opera for them. She commented after (once I'd run out of breath and needed a drink) that I'd never do that in front of my boyfriend. To a certain extent, she's right. However, I don't think it's that I wouldn't, it's more than I don't. I'm in such a loved up mood when I'm with him, I don't feel the urge to go into crazy mode. As we've been together longer, he has been getting to see a little bit more of my crazy side, and I suspect that when we're eventually living together, he'll see alot more of the crazy side to me - the side that likes to randomly sing and dance, I talk to myself and if an awesome song comes on that I like, I won't dance, but I'll run around the place.
As well as my boyfriend, I think I also have the internet to thank for my confidence and openness, although my boyfriend kind of falls under that heading too. It's really hard to imagine now, but when I was growing up, we didn't have the internet. Hardly anyone did. Those who did had dialup. There was no Facebook or anything like that. My first venture onto the internet was a Final Fantasy forum when I was in year ten and I had no proper friends (Pokemon had gone out of fashion and the group of friends I joined after that started sneaking out of school for fags and I didn't wish to join them). It was amazing. I loved being able to talk about whatever I wanted with all these random people. It was the first time I had the internet anonymity and there wasn't the confidence or self-consciousness barrier there was with the rest of my life.
I'm hugely grateful to the existence of the internet, as it ultimately led to me and my boyfriend getting together. It really couldn't have happened otherwise. Even if we had been meeting up/texting on a regular basis, as mentioned before, I was really quiet back in the day, and I didn't tell people very much. There's no way we could have gotten to know each other on the level we have if it weren't for the internet. Even if you strip away the anonymity, there's still the removal somewhat from a real social setting. They say the internet these days is reducing peoples' ability to socialise in real life. I can see that to a certain extent, but in another sense, for those people who already can't socialise IRL anyway, it can be a stepping stone to getting to know someone and then giving you the confidence to talk to them in person later on. Most of what I know about my boyfriend, I found out on MSN. Even now, I really value MSN conversations. We talk about all sorts of crap when we're lying in bed together, but you still can't beat the randomness and spontaneity of an MSN conversation. Plus, MSN doesn't leave me high with hormones and unable to hold a conversation that isn't about how much I love him! Sometimes, I think that even when we're living together, we're going to have to still have MSN conversations. I'd miss having them too much!
Despite the advantages the internet gives you in any conversation, I still don't feel I've really taken them on board and actually taken advantage of them. I often tend to not think before I say things, meaning I end up saying things that were perhaps best left unsaid. Things usually seem so innocent in my head, but they end up coming out wrong, or other people take them differently to the way I had intended them. Despite the naughtiness of this blog, I'm really an innocent person at heart!
Anyway, there was a point to this post. I ended up going off on a tangent. :P
My point was, how much I appreciate how open I can be with my boyfriend. It doesn't feel weird for me to tell him even the most sensitive stuff. He's the only person I've ever cried in front of without feeling like a complete prat. I really can tell him anything.
I see other couples, both in real life and people from the internet, and it seems to be a completely different story. Relationships seem to be like treading on eggshells (or whatever that saying is) for other people. I've seen other couples absolutely distraught when one of them reveals that they're not completely straight. I told my boyfriend I was bi-curious and we had a long discussion about how awesome it would be if I had a girlfriend. There is no sexual act I could really suggest that I wanted to try that would get a negative reaction, where I've seen other couples get freaked out at the suggestion of light bondage. I'm not sure what I could actually do to get a negative reaction out of him. Even when I'm hormonal or start getting pissy with him, he's completely accepting and understanding. Recently, it occurred to me that I should probably ask if he's okay with me divulging all these details of our sex lives together, and he told me that it wouldn't be okay if I WASN'T writing this stuff.
I love him to pieces. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and not just because I love him. I couldn't handle anyone else. He's set the bar so high, no other boyfriend could compare. I couldn't deal with a boyfriend where I had to watch and consider what I was saying all the time. I couldn't be with someone where I couldn't say what I thought without worrying about how they'd react to it. I'm extremely lucky that I found someone so un-judging and accepting of me first go.
Throughout my life, I've always been a very quiet person. My brain is always buzzing and I never stop thinking, but it's only in recent years that I've started letting these thoughts come out of my mouth (or fingers, if we're talking about the internet). Especially in secondary school, I never had much confidence in myself, and I think subconsciously I had a fear of saying what I thought because I was scared of making a fool of myself. I was also aware that I didn't quite think or act the same way as everyone else.
It's strange now, because I've had experience of life on the other side, as it were. One of the things I love about my boyfriend, is that he and I are incredibly similar in the way we think. If I'd been born male, I'd be just like him, and the same vice versa. I feel so lucky to have him, because I feel a real mental compatibility with him that I've never felt anything even remotely similar with anyone else I've ever met. I can just tell him anything.
The most wonderful thing about my boyfriend is that he doesn't judge me, or anyone else. I think this is really why I can come out about stuff to him that I would never say to anyone else. It's helped me to come out of my shell and really be myself with him, which I think is incredibly important. In ways, it feels like I'm not being myself around him, because he doesn't get to see the same me that the rest of the world sees, but I think really he's seeing more of the real me. He sees the way I act because of the thoughts in my head, uninhibited. The rest of the world sees the way I act based on so many different things - self-consciousness, feelings for my social setting and the people I'm with, even environmental things like time of day, weather and things like that. All these things can really affect my mood and how much I'm willing to reveal of myself. I'm getting much better lately. Before, I was so reserved it was almost to the point of being anti-social. Things I revealed about myself were on a need-to-know basis.
When I was in year seven, I was actually quite outgoing. I had a reasonable group of friends and I wasn't really afraid to express who I was. However, at the end of year seven one of these friends left to live in another country, and the whole group sort of lost touch with each other. I joined a few more friendship groups after that but I never really had the same kind of connection.
There was one specific occasion I remember when I was doing my A-Levels. In one of my classes there was one guy who was a proper lad. He was really outgoing and nothing fazed him. One lesson, he randomly got an erection, and he announced it to the entire class. Shock, laughter etc., but nothing compared to the shock and laughter when I said he didn't need to tell everyone. It was kind of embarrassing, and they were all shocked that I didn't have much of a problem with him having an erection, just the fact he told us all. I wished I hadn't said it, and a while later I sort of thought "Okay, maybe it was a bit gross", but I look back on it now and I don't really think that at all. My issue really was that he announced it to the whole class. The morality or whatever you want to call it of getting an erection in a lesson can be debated by other people, but honestly, if he hadn't announced it, nobody would have known. I sit at work, rating customers in my mind (both male and female) and thinking about whether I'd do them, comparing my boobs to the boobs of other women and all sorts like that. It feels strange me admitting that because it feels really unprofessional, but the fact is that it's all in my mind. I'm never going to admit what I'm thinking to the person or any other person, and I'm never going to act on any of these thoughts, so what's the harm? I know my unease at admitting that comes from other people who believe there is harm in it.
I admit there are sides of me that my boyfriend probably doesn't see as much, or at all, but I think it's only natural. One time, I randomly decided to do a full blown song and dance performance to the opening song of Repo! The Genetic Opera for them. She commented after (once I'd run out of breath and needed a drink) that I'd never do that in front of my boyfriend. To a certain extent, she's right. However, I don't think it's that I wouldn't, it's more than I don't. I'm in such a loved up mood when I'm with him, I don't feel the urge to go into crazy mode. As we've been together longer, he has been getting to see a little bit more of my crazy side, and I suspect that when we're eventually living together, he'll see alot more of the crazy side to me - the side that likes to randomly sing and dance, I talk to myself and if an awesome song comes on that I like, I won't dance, but I'll run around the place.
As well as my boyfriend, I think I also have the internet to thank for my confidence and openness, although my boyfriend kind of falls under that heading too. It's really hard to imagine now, but when I was growing up, we didn't have the internet. Hardly anyone did. Those who did had dialup. There was no Facebook or anything like that. My first venture onto the internet was a Final Fantasy forum when I was in year ten and I had no proper friends (Pokemon had gone out of fashion and the group of friends I joined after that started sneaking out of school for fags and I didn't wish to join them). It was amazing. I loved being able to talk about whatever I wanted with all these random people. It was the first time I had the internet anonymity and there wasn't the confidence or self-consciousness barrier there was with the rest of my life.
I'm hugely grateful to the existence of the internet, as it ultimately led to me and my boyfriend getting together. It really couldn't have happened otherwise. Even if we had been meeting up/texting on a regular basis, as mentioned before, I was really quiet back in the day, and I didn't tell people very much. There's no way we could have gotten to know each other on the level we have if it weren't for the internet. Even if you strip away the anonymity, there's still the removal somewhat from a real social setting. They say the internet these days is reducing peoples' ability to socialise in real life. I can see that to a certain extent, but in another sense, for those people who already can't socialise IRL anyway, it can be a stepping stone to getting to know someone and then giving you the confidence to talk to them in person later on. Most of what I know about my boyfriend, I found out on MSN. Even now, I really value MSN conversations. We talk about all sorts of crap when we're lying in bed together, but you still can't beat the randomness and spontaneity of an MSN conversation. Plus, MSN doesn't leave me high with hormones and unable to hold a conversation that isn't about how much I love him! Sometimes, I think that even when we're living together, we're going to have to still have MSN conversations. I'd miss having them too much!
Despite the advantages the internet gives you in any conversation, I still don't feel I've really taken them on board and actually taken advantage of them. I often tend to not think before I say things, meaning I end up saying things that were perhaps best left unsaid. Things usually seem so innocent in my head, but they end up coming out wrong, or other people take them differently to the way I had intended them. Despite the naughtiness of this blog, I'm really an innocent person at heart!
Anyway, there was a point to this post. I ended up going off on a tangent. :P
My point was, how much I appreciate how open I can be with my boyfriend. It doesn't feel weird for me to tell him even the most sensitive stuff. He's the only person I've ever cried in front of without feeling like a complete prat. I really can tell him anything.
I see other couples, both in real life and people from the internet, and it seems to be a completely different story. Relationships seem to be like treading on eggshells (or whatever that saying is) for other people. I've seen other couples absolutely distraught when one of them reveals that they're not completely straight. I told my boyfriend I was bi-curious and we had a long discussion about how awesome it would be if I had a girlfriend. There is no sexual act I could really suggest that I wanted to try that would get a negative reaction, where I've seen other couples get freaked out at the suggestion of light bondage. I'm not sure what I could actually do to get a negative reaction out of him. Even when I'm hormonal or start getting pissy with him, he's completely accepting and understanding. Recently, it occurred to me that I should probably ask if he's okay with me divulging all these details of our sex lives together, and he told me that it wouldn't be okay if I WASN'T writing this stuff.
I love him to pieces. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and not just because I love him. I couldn't handle anyone else. He's set the bar so high, no other boyfriend could compare. I couldn't deal with a boyfriend where I had to watch and consider what I was saying all the time. I couldn't be with someone where I couldn't say what I thought without worrying about how they'd react to it. I'm extremely lucky that I found someone so un-judging and accepting of me first go.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Say hello to Clyde!
My toy box is practically overflowing. If it weren't for the fact that I have a separate box I keep my shoes in that I can just about squeeze a few rabbits into then there's no way I'd be able to shut the lid on my main toybox. Rabbits are more solo toys anyway, so it works out okay for the moment, even though I've gotta unlock both boxes when I do go solo to get my lube out too. I'm planning on buying some new toys soon, but I have no idea where I'm going to keep them!
I've been searching for a nice, large, lockable toybox for some time, but so far my searches have been in vain. During this search, there's been something of a spanner thrown into the works in the form of my mum. She's told my sister that she knows we both have things in our room she doesn't want to see and she won't go looking for them. Okay, that's cool. She knows we have sex toys, I know she has sex toys. If nothing ever gets said, that's fine, but I'm worried if I get too big a box (I really want a huge box my collection can grow into!) then she's gonna know what's in there and know the size of my collection! I'm pretty sure my mum knows I have sex toys, but I really don't think she knows that the amount I have is in double figures.
There are far too many toys in my main toybox to possibly talk about in one post, but I thought I'd give a little insight into my 'other' toybox.
I don't think I've spoken about my favourite rabbit yet. Everyone, say hello to Clyde. Clyde is my favourite rabbit. I'm not sure where the name Clyde came from, but oh well. Clyde is actually a LoveHoney Jessica Rabbit 2.0, and he is amazing. In a way it's a shame that Clyde was my first ever rabbit, because I've tried others since and they just haven't compared. I love the movement on the shaft, the beads and the power of the ears, even if I've pressed them so hard into my clit so often that they tend to move more side to side than up and down, but oh well. I've been debating getting a replacement, but he's not in such a bad condition I need to do that yet. He's very much loved.
I've been debating whether I should get the G-spot version on the rabbit amnesty. I've recently been discovering my G-spot (well, sort of) and it looks interesting, but I'm not sure. I bought my sister the slimline version for Christmas last year, and I'm pretty sure the girth is the same. I'm quite the hypocrite, you know. I see so many posts on forums around the internet from guys worrying about if they're not long/girthy enough, and I'm always "It's not the size of the prize, it's the motion of the ocean", which is really really true when we're talking about cocks, but toys are just a whole different story with me. Gimme girth! Within reason.
Part of what I love about Clyde is the beads on the bottom. If I really push I can get most of them inside me, and they feel wonderful just inside, where the most sensitive part is. Plus Clyde gets points for having girth AND the motion of the ocean!
I love you Clyde!
x
I've been searching for a nice, large, lockable toybox for some time, but so far my searches have been in vain. During this search, there's been something of a spanner thrown into the works in the form of my mum. She's told my sister that she knows we both have things in our room she doesn't want to see and she won't go looking for them. Okay, that's cool. She knows we have sex toys, I know she has sex toys. If nothing ever gets said, that's fine, but I'm worried if I get too big a box (I really want a huge box my collection can grow into!) then she's gonna know what's in there and know the size of my collection! I'm pretty sure my mum knows I have sex toys, but I really don't think she knows that the amount I have is in double figures.
There are far too many toys in my main toybox to possibly talk about in one post, but I thought I'd give a little insight into my 'other' toybox.
I've been debating whether I should get the G-spot version on the rabbit amnesty. I've recently been discovering my G-spot (well, sort of) and it looks interesting, but I'm not sure. I bought my sister the slimline version for Christmas last year, and I'm pretty sure the girth is the same. I'm quite the hypocrite, you know. I see so many posts on forums around the internet from guys worrying about if they're not long/girthy enough, and I'm always "It's not the size of the prize, it's the motion of the ocean", which is really really true when we're talking about cocks, but toys are just a whole different story with me. Gimme girth! Within reason.
Part of what I love about Clyde is the beads on the bottom. If I really push I can get most of them inside me, and they feel wonderful just inside, where the most sensitive part is. Plus Clyde gets points for having girth AND the motion of the ocean!
I love you Clyde!
x
Friday, 21 May 2010
Polyamory
When I started this blog, this was a topic that I told myself just had to be written about, but I got distracted. Never mind, here I am now.
Polyamory. For those of you who don't know, polyamory is "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."
The reason I want to write about this topic is because my boyfriend is polyamorous. Polyamory seems to get some bad press when I've seen other people talking about it on the internet, which is why I want to try and dismiss the myth and tell you all what it's really all about and what it's like to be like it, or be with someone who lives like it.
I've had many an argument with my sister over the topic. I love a good debate, and polyamory used to be the number one topic I used to bring up whenever the mood took me. I have a video of one such debate tucked away somewhere.
Her basic points were these: When you truly love someone, you should want to be with them and nobody else. When you love someone else, they are enough.
I tried to argue back, but her argument at the time was that I'd never had a boyfriend so I couldn't possibly know what it was really like. And at the time, she had a point.
However, what neither of us anticipated was the fact that a little bit later on in my life, the guy who made me aware of polyamory in the first place was going to become my first ever boyfriend. My sister had anticipated that once I got a boyfriend I'd completely change my mind about the poly thing, but I didn't.
That's not to say that I completely agree with polyamory 100% of the time, but that's what I'm here to write about.
I'd like to dispel the idea that polyamory is cheating, because it isn't. Polyamory has to be consensual - all people involved have to know and agree. Therefore, it's not cheating because it's not breaking the rules.
But why would anyone want to be poly? As my sister said, when you love someone, they should be all you want, right? Not necessarily. Nobody is perfect. Some people are better for some things than others. Having multiple partners gets you a more well-rounded experience, you can have more of what you want, even if it means getting it from more than one person. Is it selfish? Perhaps, but is it more selfish than wanting to keep one person all to yourself? Despite knowing that you can't give them everything they want? I'll leave you to decide on that one.
So, polyamory and me. My boyfriend is poly. I won't lie and say I'm 100% happy about it because I'm not (although I have become more and more accepting of it as time has gone on), but I can live with it. I knew my boyfriend was poly before we started going out, so I feel it would be wrong of me to complain about it when I knew beforehand. Of course, that's not to say I can't voice my concerns about it, which I have done and is what has led me to become okay about it.
The key to holding successful relationships with polyamory involved is communication. I'm a relatively strong person emotionally (hormones screw me up sometimes, but other than that I'm strong) but it still makes me a little insecure. It's not for the faint-hearted, relationship-wise. It all has to be consensual or else it's just cheating. It's important early on to tell your partner about it. If you both feel strongly about it for and against, then both partners need to assess themselves. Can the polyamorous partner bear to be monogamous? Does the love for the partner overcome the need for polyamory? On the flip side of the coin, can the monogamous partner live with their partner being poly? If the answers to these questions conflict, then you need to assess whether you can really be a couple.
Me and my boyfriend have had such a talk, and I felt so much better after. I was obviously aware of him being poly and we'd spoken about it, but I needed a bit more clarification on it. It basically came down to this: We both love each other hugely and would do anything for each other. However, I would prefer that my boyfriend wasn't polyamorous. He, on the other hand, feels quite strongly that he remains that way. He has told me, and it gave me a feeling of incredible security, that if I told him I wanted him to stop then he would. I'm more important to him than being poly, but right now, given his strong feelings about it, I don't feel the need to make him stop. So far, in the year and a half we've been together, he's yet to have another girlfriend, and I've never felt the need to forbid it in case I get jealous. If I knew I'd get jealous, I might be more inclined to say no to it, but I'm not convinced and seeing as he's happier about himself that way, then I might as well let him. Basically, his love for me is stronger than his need for to be poly, but my love for him and my want for him to be happy is stronger than my desire for him to be monogamous. I can't say that I wouldn't be completely without emotion if he did get another girlfriend, but so far hoping that he never does has been working well enough. I'll reassess the situation if it ever comes up.
There is a perhaps obvious question that this issue brings up, perhaps more obvious to the more insecure among you. What's to say that he won't find another girlfriend he loves more than me? How do I know that won't happen, I try to forbid it and then he turns around and says bye? The fact is, I don't. I just have to trust him and trust that he won't. There's an awful lot of back story between us that I may or may not have written about earlier, so I have a lot of faith in the fact that he truly loves me and I'm 'The One' for him. Of course, him loving someone else more than me is never completely impossible, as much as anyone claims it is or how romantic it feels. You can never know what the future holds. I'm not insecure enough to worry about it now though. I'll worry about it in the unlikely event that it happens.
The other thing polyamory hangs on is agreement and compromise. What polyamory should never be is 'I'm poly, deal with it!' If my boyfriend said that to me, I'd have to turn around and say 'Erm, no'. Hell, nothing in any relationship should be about one partner doing what they want and screw the feelings of the other. Me and my boyfriend do have agreements in this area. If anything happens with another girl, I want to know immediately. Partly because I'd be happier that way, partly because if I did start getting bad emotions, I could put a stop to whatever was happening before it gets too involved. If I let it continue, I may or may not want to know everything that went on between them. I'd have to decide at the time. If I found that he did have another girlfriend on the go and he didn't tell me, I'd consider it a serious betrayal of trust and I'd have to seriously consider whether I could continue my relationship with him. My two further points, which I'm not sure if we've discussed (but he'll be reading this so he'll know now!) are those which I'd worry about when the time comes. If he had another girlfriend and he wanted sex to get involved, I'd insist on her getting an STI test before anything could happen. I'd be seriously pissed if I caught an STI from him because he caught it from her, after I'd been gracious enough to let him do it with another girl. The second point is that when he makes the move from boyfriend to fiancé, the polyamorism stops, or at least gets renegotiated. I'm pretty sure he'd agree to that.
The interesting thing about all of this is where this leaves me in terms of other partners. My boyfriend has bestowed upon me all the same benefits he gets. It would be hypocritical of him to expect me to allow him multiple partners but forbid me from doing the same. I wouldn't class myself as polyamorist, but I do enjoy these benefits. I love being able to perv on other people without there being jealousy involved! I am so incredibly grateful for my boyfriend and the way he is. In some ways he's an awful first boyfriend, because if we ever broke up I'd never be able to find anyone else who was up to that high standard. I think I'd have to be single for the rest of my life. It's not just to do with the polyamory either, it's everything.
I don't properly consider myself polyamorist because I don't feel the need for another boyfriend. Not like my sister said, because I love him so much, I don't need anyone else. I feel that he gives me everything I need, so I don't need anyone else. If he didn't, I might consider it, although I think I'd have to subscribe to his heirarchy thing he's got going on. Polyamory is not like the polygamy you've heard of, especially in the religions where you're supposed to treat each of your partners the same. My boyfriend has primaries and secondaries, and that's what I'd do too. Some people might try to have more than one primary, but my boyfriend says it's impractical to do in reality. So, you'd have one main boyfriend/girlfriend, and then you'd have one or more other partners, more like friends with benefits. He may have made mention of tertiaries, but I can't really remember now. As long as I'm firmly positioned in the only primary spot, then I'm good! Any partners I had other than my current boyfriend would be secondaries. Additions rather than alternatives.
I don't want another boyfriend, but I can't say that I'll never want another boyfriend. I never say never now. I once said I'd never put a cock in my mouth, and look at me now. If not for that reason, I'd say I was almost monogamous, but my bisexuality is thrown into the mix. I don't want another boyfriend, but a female secondary would be nice. I'd almost go as far to say I could handle two primaries, my boyfriend and then one girlfriend, but women are insane (I know because I am one! I couldn't handle a relationship with myself or anyone who thinks similarly) and I just don't want a proper relationship with a woman. A female fuck buddy would be very nice, and I appreciate my boyfriend being polyamorist and open. I felt no embarrassment or guilt over the admission that actually, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't mind a 'girlfriend', and it was a joy to know that. It feeds into the idea that you get what you need from more than one person. I feel I get everything I need from a man from my man, but there are some things I would like if I could have them that men just can't do, either by inclination or anatomy. I still don't consider myself properly polyamorist though. I don't know if there's a word for having only two partners (biamory perhaps? I'll Google it later), but for me there would only ever be one man and one woman for me at a time.
It does feel strange that the model of polyamory I subscribe to isn't the same as the one my boyfriend does, but it comes from me being bisexual. He's straight. He's a man, and there's things he just can't do because of that, hence why I'd want a girlfriend on the side. On the other hand, him having other girls, there's nothing they could do that I absolutely couldn't. Why the need? As I said earlier, agreeing to disagree and hoping nothing ever comes of it has been working okay so far, I'll hope that that continues. I don't consider it burying my head in the sand, it's just worrying about things and dealing with the possible self-esteem issues when they happen. If it did happen, I trust my boyfriend enough to know that he'd follow my wishes, whatever they turned out to be.
A long, serious blog post there. I'll leave you with a little fantasy I've just had. Imagine how awesome it would be if my boyfriend found another girlfriend who was bisexual, and it turned out me and her liked each other too. It would be like a three-way relationship. Oh, the fun we could have...
Polyamory. For those of you who don't know, polyamory is "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."
The reason I want to write about this topic is because my boyfriend is polyamorous. Polyamory seems to get some bad press when I've seen other people talking about it on the internet, which is why I want to try and dismiss the myth and tell you all what it's really all about and what it's like to be like it, or be with someone who lives like it.
I've had many an argument with my sister over the topic. I love a good debate, and polyamory used to be the number one topic I used to bring up whenever the mood took me. I have a video of one such debate tucked away somewhere.
Her basic points were these: When you truly love someone, you should want to be with them and nobody else. When you love someone else, they are enough.
I tried to argue back, but her argument at the time was that I'd never had a boyfriend so I couldn't possibly know what it was really like. And at the time, she had a point.
However, what neither of us anticipated was the fact that a little bit later on in my life, the guy who made me aware of polyamory in the first place was going to become my first ever boyfriend. My sister had anticipated that once I got a boyfriend I'd completely change my mind about the poly thing, but I didn't.
That's not to say that I completely agree with polyamory 100% of the time, but that's what I'm here to write about.
I'd like to dispel the idea that polyamory is cheating, because it isn't. Polyamory has to be consensual - all people involved have to know and agree. Therefore, it's not cheating because it's not breaking the rules.
But why would anyone want to be poly? As my sister said, when you love someone, they should be all you want, right? Not necessarily. Nobody is perfect. Some people are better for some things than others. Having multiple partners gets you a more well-rounded experience, you can have more of what you want, even if it means getting it from more than one person. Is it selfish? Perhaps, but is it more selfish than wanting to keep one person all to yourself? Despite knowing that you can't give them everything they want? I'll leave you to decide on that one.
So, polyamory and me. My boyfriend is poly. I won't lie and say I'm 100% happy about it because I'm not (although I have become more and more accepting of it as time has gone on), but I can live with it. I knew my boyfriend was poly before we started going out, so I feel it would be wrong of me to complain about it when I knew beforehand. Of course, that's not to say I can't voice my concerns about it, which I have done and is what has led me to become okay about it.
The key to holding successful relationships with polyamory involved is communication. I'm a relatively strong person emotionally (hormones screw me up sometimes, but other than that I'm strong) but it still makes me a little insecure. It's not for the faint-hearted, relationship-wise. It all has to be consensual or else it's just cheating. It's important early on to tell your partner about it. If you both feel strongly about it for and against, then both partners need to assess themselves. Can the polyamorous partner bear to be monogamous? Does the love for the partner overcome the need for polyamory? On the flip side of the coin, can the monogamous partner live with their partner being poly? If the answers to these questions conflict, then you need to assess whether you can really be a couple.
Me and my boyfriend have had such a talk, and I felt so much better after. I was obviously aware of him being poly and we'd spoken about it, but I needed a bit more clarification on it. It basically came down to this: We both love each other hugely and would do anything for each other. However, I would prefer that my boyfriend wasn't polyamorous. He, on the other hand, feels quite strongly that he remains that way. He has told me, and it gave me a feeling of incredible security, that if I told him I wanted him to stop then he would. I'm more important to him than being poly, but right now, given his strong feelings about it, I don't feel the need to make him stop. So far, in the year and a half we've been together, he's yet to have another girlfriend, and I've never felt the need to forbid it in case I get jealous. If I knew I'd get jealous, I might be more inclined to say no to it, but I'm not convinced and seeing as he's happier about himself that way, then I might as well let him. Basically, his love for me is stronger than his need for to be poly, but my love for him and my want for him to be happy is stronger than my desire for him to be monogamous. I can't say that I wouldn't be completely without emotion if he did get another girlfriend, but so far hoping that he never does has been working well enough. I'll reassess the situation if it ever comes up.
There is a perhaps obvious question that this issue brings up, perhaps more obvious to the more insecure among you. What's to say that he won't find another girlfriend he loves more than me? How do I know that won't happen, I try to forbid it and then he turns around and says bye? The fact is, I don't. I just have to trust him and trust that he won't. There's an awful lot of back story between us that I may or may not have written about earlier, so I have a lot of faith in the fact that he truly loves me and I'm 'The One' for him. Of course, him loving someone else more than me is never completely impossible, as much as anyone claims it is or how romantic it feels. You can never know what the future holds. I'm not insecure enough to worry about it now though. I'll worry about it in the unlikely event that it happens.
The other thing polyamory hangs on is agreement and compromise. What polyamory should never be is 'I'm poly, deal with it!' If my boyfriend said that to me, I'd have to turn around and say 'Erm, no'. Hell, nothing in any relationship should be about one partner doing what they want and screw the feelings of the other. Me and my boyfriend do have agreements in this area. If anything happens with another girl, I want to know immediately. Partly because I'd be happier that way, partly because if I did start getting bad emotions, I could put a stop to whatever was happening before it gets too involved. If I let it continue, I may or may not want to know everything that went on between them. I'd have to decide at the time. If I found that he did have another girlfriend on the go and he didn't tell me, I'd consider it a serious betrayal of trust and I'd have to seriously consider whether I could continue my relationship with him. My two further points, which I'm not sure if we've discussed (but he'll be reading this so he'll know now!) are those which I'd worry about when the time comes. If he had another girlfriend and he wanted sex to get involved, I'd insist on her getting an STI test before anything could happen. I'd be seriously pissed if I caught an STI from him because he caught it from her, after I'd been gracious enough to let him do it with another girl. The second point is that when he makes the move from boyfriend to fiancé, the polyamorism stops, or at least gets renegotiated. I'm pretty sure he'd agree to that.
The interesting thing about all of this is where this leaves me in terms of other partners. My boyfriend has bestowed upon me all the same benefits he gets. It would be hypocritical of him to expect me to allow him multiple partners but forbid me from doing the same. I wouldn't class myself as polyamorist, but I do enjoy these benefits. I love being able to perv on other people without there being jealousy involved! I am so incredibly grateful for my boyfriend and the way he is. In some ways he's an awful first boyfriend, because if we ever broke up I'd never be able to find anyone else who was up to that high standard. I think I'd have to be single for the rest of my life. It's not just to do with the polyamory either, it's everything.
I don't properly consider myself polyamorist because I don't feel the need for another boyfriend. Not like my sister said, because I love him so much, I don't need anyone else. I feel that he gives me everything I need, so I don't need anyone else. If he didn't, I might consider it, although I think I'd have to subscribe to his heirarchy thing he's got going on. Polyamory is not like the polygamy you've heard of, especially in the religions where you're supposed to treat each of your partners the same. My boyfriend has primaries and secondaries, and that's what I'd do too. Some people might try to have more than one primary, but my boyfriend says it's impractical to do in reality. So, you'd have one main boyfriend/girlfriend, and then you'd have one or more other partners, more like friends with benefits. He may have made mention of tertiaries, but I can't really remember now. As long as I'm firmly positioned in the only primary spot, then I'm good! Any partners I had other than my current boyfriend would be secondaries. Additions rather than alternatives.
I don't want another boyfriend, but I can't say that I'll never want another boyfriend. I never say never now. I once said I'd never put a cock in my mouth, and look at me now. If not for that reason, I'd say I was almost monogamous, but my bisexuality is thrown into the mix. I don't want another boyfriend, but a female secondary would be nice. I'd almost go as far to say I could handle two primaries, my boyfriend and then one girlfriend, but women are insane (I know because I am one! I couldn't handle a relationship with myself or anyone who thinks similarly) and I just don't want a proper relationship with a woman. A female fuck buddy would be very nice, and I appreciate my boyfriend being polyamorist and open. I felt no embarrassment or guilt over the admission that actually, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't mind a 'girlfriend', and it was a joy to know that. It feeds into the idea that you get what you need from more than one person. I feel I get everything I need from a man from my man, but there are some things I would like if I could have them that men just can't do, either by inclination or anatomy. I still don't consider myself properly polyamorist though. I don't know if there's a word for having only two partners (biamory perhaps? I'll Google it later), but for me there would only ever be one man and one woman for me at a time.
It does feel strange that the model of polyamory I subscribe to isn't the same as the one my boyfriend does, but it comes from me being bisexual. He's straight. He's a man, and there's things he just can't do because of that, hence why I'd want a girlfriend on the side. On the other hand, him having other girls, there's nothing they could do that I absolutely couldn't. Why the need? As I said earlier, agreeing to disagree and hoping nothing ever comes of it has been working okay so far, I'll hope that that continues. I don't consider it burying my head in the sand, it's just worrying about things and dealing with the possible self-esteem issues when they happen. If it did happen, I trust my boyfriend enough to know that he'd follow my wishes, whatever they turned out to be.
A long, serious blog post there. I'll leave you with a little fantasy I've just had. Imagine how awesome it would be if my boyfriend found another girlfriend who was bisexual, and it turned out me and her liked each other too. It would be like a three-way relationship. Oh, the fun we could have...
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
All you need is love!
I promised that my next post would be happy and sunshiney, but you might have to settle for soppy.
I really do love my boyfriend so. It's so easy to write about him when I'm feeling all down and angry because he's done this or he hasn't done that, but I really do love him to pieces. I wrote in my last post that I feel like I lack some of the maturities that come with experience in relationships, but recently I've been feeling like I've made some personal progress in that area.
Things have been a bit difficult for my boyfriend lately and for a month or two we hadn't been seeing each other as much. For the moment it seems to have passed and we've been seeing each other more often. The reason is still there so it may well go back to what it was, but for the moment it seems easier to get to see each other. Coming out of the other side of this, getting to see him more, has made me really really appreciate the time I get with him. It seems peculiar that it's happening now when I see him, rather than the more rare opportunities when I was seeing him before, but there almost felt a kind of desperateness before to it. When I was extremely lucky to get a few hours a week with him, I was unable to relax. It had always been so long since the last time that I felt like I should be savouring every moment. Now it's more regular, I'm more able to sit back and really enjoy it. I feel so loved up it's insane.
I believe it is always of utmost importance to remember how much you really love someone. I find it so easy to get stressed or upset if it's been a while since I last saw him, but I think this is one of those maturities that's growing on me. I'm much better than I was at the beginning, but I'm aware that I'm probably a pain to be with sometimes. I know he loves me and says he doesn't mind, but in some ways I'm still waiting for the day where he's gonna turn around and say 'For Christ's sake, can you not leave your phone alone for a bit?' I don't have the experience to always know where the line is between being needy and normal girlfriend behaviour. I'm extremely lucky in that my boyfriend says he loves me unconditionally, and he's unjudging and incredibly open-minded. I'm so grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like this has meant I've lost the ability to censor myself and consider whether the things I say should really be said. There's next to nothing I could say to him that would get a negative reaction (sometimes I think if we broke up, he'd be okay with the fact if I felt I would honestly be happier that way), but despite that I still think I say too much sometimes.
Anyway, where that last paragraph was originally going was that it's always important to remember how much you love someone. When I don't see him often, it's easier to think bad things. There's been times where I've honestly thought 'This relationship isn't making me happy right now', but I just have to remind myself how much I love him and he loves me, and it's completely worth waiting for. I know that our 'hard times' are nothing compared to the hard times other couples have and I feel a bit stupid if I'm honest that hard times for me has consisted of just not getting to see each other, but that's not to say that the emotional pain I was in some days wasn't real or somehow of less worth. This little trial has left me stronger on the other side.
This was meant to be a happy, soppy post. Perhaps it doesn't sound like it so much, but I'm really writing this out of love.
I sort of feel like every post I write like this is digging me deeper into a hole. I don't meant it to be, but sometimes I just feel the need to open my soul a little bit. I love my boyfriend completely, and whatever bad or seemingly bad stuff happens, my love for him will always be a million times stronger, and forever unwavering.
I like to think that after reading this post, everyone would take a moment to think of their special someone and remember how much you love them. If you love each other, then anything else that happens can be overcome.
Damn, I'm in the mood for kisses and cuddles now.
I really do love my boyfriend so. It's so easy to write about him when I'm feeling all down and angry because he's done this or he hasn't done that, but I really do love him to pieces. I wrote in my last post that I feel like I lack some of the maturities that come with experience in relationships, but recently I've been feeling like I've made some personal progress in that area.
Things have been a bit difficult for my boyfriend lately and for a month or two we hadn't been seeing each other as much. For the moment it seems to have passed and we've been seeing each other more often. The reason is still there so it may well go back to what it was, but for the moment it seems easier to get to see each other. Coming out of the other side of this, getting to see him more, has made me really really appreciate the time I get with him. It seems peculiar that it's happening now when I see him, rather than the more rare opportunities when I was seeing him before, but there almost felt a kind of desperateness before to it. When I was extremely lucky to get a few hours a week with him, I was unable to relax. It had always been so long since the last time that I felt like I should be savouring every moment. Now it's more regular, I'm more able to sit back and really enjoy it. I feel so loved up it's insane.
I believe it is always of utmost importance to remember how much you really love someone. I find it so easy to get stressed or upset if it's been a while since I last saw him, but I think this is one of those maturities that's growing on me. I'm much better than I was at the beginning, but I'm aware that I'm probably a pain to be with sometimes. I know he loves me and says he doesn't mind, but in some ways I'm still waiting for the day where he's gonna turn around and say 'For Christ's sake, can you not leave your phone alone for a bit?' I don't have the experience to always know where the line is between being needy and normal girlfriend behaviour. I'm extremely lucky in that my boyfriend says he loves me unconditionally, and he's unjudging and incredibly open-minded. I'm so grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like this has meant I've lost the ability to censor myself and consider whether the things I say should really be said. There's next to nothing I could say to him that would get a negative reaction (sometimes I think if we broke up, he'd be okay with the fact if I felt I would honestly be happier that way), but despite that I still think I say too much sometimes.
Anyway, where that last paragraph was originally going was that it's always important to remember how much you love someone. When I don't see him often, it's easier to think bad things. There's been times where I've honestly thought 'This relationship isn't making me happy right now', but I just have to remind myself how much I love him and he loves me, and it's completely worth waiting for. I know that our 'hard times' are nothing compared to the hard times other couples have and I feel a bit stupid if I'm honest that hard times for me has consisted of just not getting to see each other, but that's not to say that the emotional pain I was in some days wasn't real or somehow of less worth. This little trial has left me stronger on the other side.
This was meant to be a happy, soppy post. Perhaps it doesn't sound like it so much, but I'm really writing this out of love.
I sort of feel like every post I write like this is digging me deeper into a hole. I don't meant it to be, but sometimes I just feel the need to open my soul a little bit. I love my boyfriend completely, and whatever bad or seemingly bad stuff happens, my love for him will always be a million times stronger, and forever unwavering.
I like to think that after reading this post, everyone would take a moment to think of their special someone and remember how much you love them. If you love each other, then anything else that happens can be overcome.
Damn, I'm in the mood for kisses and cuddles now.
Monday, 17 May 2010
What I learnt from Cosmopolitan magazine
I bought a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine over the weekend. To be honest, I quite dislike this magazine and everything it stands for, but I wanted something to read while I was at work, and the gorgeous Mistress Cara was in there so I had to!
A few of the other girls at work have bought copies in the past and have left them lying around, meaning I've had some exposure to this magazine in the past. Up until now, I've just felt that this magazine really isn't for me, but this issue had me really wound up. I weep for the future of humanity, wound up.
I've already spoken on this blog of how I was a late starter in life. I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was almost 22, so sometimes I feel a little behind in the sense that I feel I lack some of the maturities that come from experience in relationships. There are times when I act like a schoolgirl with her first crush and sometimes I feel a little stupid and embarrassed afterwards. I thank the lord that I never read Cosmo as a teenager. It would have screwed me over for life. The tips and advice this magazine gives out, it's a wonder that any of these women have partners at all. There are men in there as well sometimes, and they all deserve a slap too. Let me talk you through June's issue of Cosmopolitan.
We're five pages into the magazine before we actually reach anything readable. Contents and a load of ads for perfume. Okay.
"On the cover" page tells me how to "steal Kimberly's sexy look". Steal her look or steal her makeup bag? The hours that must go into making herself up every day before she's able to walk out the door must be astronomical. So much makeup! Admittedly this is a photoshoot and I doubt she wears that much day to day, but still.
What I've been told:
- Wearing all this stuff can make me sexy
What I've actually learnt:
- So many issues. Look close enough at a sexy woman like this and you might actually be able to see her real face underneath. Does it mean I'm not sexy because I don't wear any?
The first article that really gets me worked up is the confessions article, which features confessions from women who dump men for stupid reasons. I officially give you permission to slap me if I ever dump a boyfriend for a reason as petty as being unable to spell, having a weird laugh or having arms that might be a little bit too short. This to me is just a tiny glimpse into the world of these insane women who have unrealistically high standards. There is no way that any real man can actually live up to the image this magazine is saying they should be, and it seems if they're not then it's fine to dump them. Don't settle for anything less than perfection!
What I've been told:
- Don't settle for anything less than perfection.
What I've actually learnt:
- Perhaps Cosmo will help the planet by keeping the population down. With relationship tips like these, there's no way any of these women will be able to hold down a relationship long enough to have kids.
The next article irritates me. How to have sex to fall in love. I'm cool with harnessing the power of hormones, but if I was a lad and read any of the articles in this magazine, I'd be unable to have sex again without wondering whether my girl had some kind of ulterior motive.
What I've been told:
- If there are any problems at all in your relationship, sex is the answer! You can totally use hormones to your advantage.
- Hell, forget having a personality or anything like that. You don't need that to get a boyfriend. Just use sex!
What I've actually learnt:
- Can we not just have sex because it feels good? Should I be having some kind of ulterior motive every time I want sex?
- The way they talk about these hormones, it's almost like legal drugging.
Next, an article from some guys talking about what men think. I hope this article is exaggerated or just a bad choice of men answering the questions. Sheesh, I thought it was women were supposed to be the ones who were complicated. I hope my boyfriend doesn't analyse my actions like these men do. I'm never going to leave anything at my boyfriend's house, I'd be too worried about his reaction if this article is anything to go by!
Centrefold section, featuring 21 topless men 'so hot we had to seal it!'
What I've been told:
- These men are insanely hot.
What I've actually learnt:
- Yup, I'm definitely bisexual. Despite the range of different bodies in here, none of them do a thing for me.
Further things this magazine taught me:
- All your friends are manipulative bitches. Don't try going on holiday with them.
- If there's something that your father must never know, it's a good idea to write your story in a national magazine.
- I'm practically obese because I have curves.
- I should be seriously concerned about my relationship. Chances are 80% we're going to split up because we don't have the same sexuality. I wish I knew who they were surveying for this.
- I'm really untrendy.
- You can burn off a packet of crisps by sleeping for three hours. Apparently.
- My best chance to get pregnant in years arrives this month. I don't want to get pregnant.
- Whether a celeb is an acceptable crush to have seems to depend on their status rather than their looks. For example, Gordon Ramsey and Simon Cowell yes, but Noel Edmonds no. Feel free to argue with me here, but I'd say Noel Edmonds is better than both of them. Older perhaps, but at least he's not consumed with himself.
- It's totally okay as a professional photographer to submit photos for a glossy magazine that are out of focus and have red eye in them. Hell, the last issue of Cosmopolitan I read was November last year, and the photo on the front cover was out of focus!
- This magazine gives you nightmares. No, really. I've written this blog post over two days, and the night inbetween I had my worst nightmare in years, and I can trace 90% of it back to something I read in Cosmo.
- My boyfriend was really into me on the day I was reading this. How do I know? He texted me between 12 noon and 5pm. Anything after 11pm means you mean nothing to him.
- My boyfriend and I must both be freaks. This is because neither of us would be freaked if I said my idea of getting kinky was playful spanking or rubber underwear.
- Guys hate dirty, kinky talk.
- I didn't have sex with my boyfriend until almost four months into our relationship. Something must have been seriously wrong. I mean, we should have been having sex before we were together!
This magazine seriously gets me wound up. It's so completely shallow, and its views on sex are extremely vanilla. The most deviant it gets are the adverts for sex toys in the back, which are mixed in amongst the sea of ads for plastic surgery.
I will give it credit for the good things. There were bits in there about testicular cancer, stalkers, sexual health and some good advice which I feel goes to redeem it a little bit, and I'd be lying if I said I'd learnt nothing at all from their article on oral sex, but I do worry about the state of mind of the women who read this on a regular basis. It's like some insane new form of feminism where we're no longer subservient to men, but instead we are completely in control and being taught to manipulate men to get them exactly where we want them, but rather than burn our bras like we used to, we're going to look fabulous, darling!
I mean no offense anyone reading this who may be Cosmopolitan readers, but I think the only way you can really read this magazine and come out sane the other end is with a big dose of cynicism, and remember that much of what they present as facts are mostly just opinions. You're not half as shallow as the people writing it, and you're much better off for it.
P.S I'm aware that some of my recent posts have seemed quite cynical. I haven't meant it to be that way. I promise a nice, happy, sunshiney post next time!
Ecksvie
x
Friday, 14 May 2010
Going Without
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm not getting to see my boyfriend at the moment as often as I'd like lately. If I'm honest, I hate it, but it does have its advantages.
There was a time when I was having sex several times a week, and I'd be getting my toys out several times a week as well. I had a high sex drive and I took full advantage of it. Lately though, with not getting to see my boyfriend as much, my body seems to be making changes. My sex drive seems to have dropped to a level where I'm able to cope with it. In fact, my body seems to perfectly adjust my drive to the level of what I'm actually getting, so I'm not left craving for more than I can have. I love my body for this.
This absence has made me wonder whether before I was having sex too much. I know, that's crazy talk! My point is, my body was used to it. Sex was a 'here we go again' kind of thing for my body and being touched didn't do much to get me wet, and it was through no fault of my boyfriend or the toys he/I was using. However, these days, it seems to be the most amazing experience ever. I seem to get really wet and it feels incredible. It's been like this for the last two or three times he's been. I can't even remember the last time we used lube during sex! Sex has suddenly become the most wonderful thing in the world again, and it's all because I haven't been having it as often as I want it. The same goes for my toys. They're still the same as ever, but because it's been forever since I've had him use them on me in that special way, they're a million times better than they were before.
So, it turns out there are advantages to not getting any after all.
There was a time when I was having sex several times a week, and I'd be getting my toys out several times a week as well. I had a high sex drive and I took full advantage of it. Lately though, with not getting to see my boyfriend as much, my body seems to be making changes. My sex drive seems to have dropped to a level where I'm able to cope with it. In fact, my body seems to perfectly adjust my drive to the level of what I'm actually getting, so I'm not left craving for more than I can have. I love my body for this.
This absence has made me wonder whether before I was having sex too much. I know, that's crazy talk! My point is, my body was used to it. Sex was a 'here we go again' kind of thing for my body and being touched didn't do much to get me wet, and it was through no fault of my boyfriend or the toys he/I was using. However, these days, it seems to be the most amazing experience ever. I seem to get really wet and it feels incredible. It's been like this for the last two or three times he's been. I can't even remember the last time we used lube during sex! Sex has suddenly become the most wonderful thing in the world again, and it's all because I haven't been having it as often as I want it. The same goes for my toys. They're still the same as ever, but because it's been forever since I've had him use them on me in that special way, they're a million times better than they were before.
So, it turns out there are advantages to not getting any after all.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Men and Women
Hello everyone! I realise it's been a while since I last made a proper post. Things have been all over the place, and if I'm honest things have been a bit difficult. My boyfriend is going through some difficult times with his family and it's made it difficult for us to get to see each other. Thinking about sex isn't something I really want to do too much of when I'm missing him loads, hence the lack of detailed blog posts.
This is actually a third attempt at a post. I wrote two more posts before this, before I saw my boyfriend today, and it all had me down so much that I ended up crying a lot and writing some things that it wouldn't have been proper for me to post on the internet. I wrote them down and got them off my chest though, which was an important thing for me to do, even if I was back in the same state a few days later.
Everything that's been going on lately has really highlighted some key differences between men and women. Before when I was single, I didn't see the differences quite as much, but these days they seem blindingly obvious.
I know many other women, and it has come to my attention that this is the way of life: Men will always fail to do things that us women consider the most basic and important, and us women will always get pissed off by it. If you're a woman in a long-term relationship, I can almost guarantee that there will be something your partner does or doesn't do that will majorly piss you off, but he continues to do it. With me, he doesn't text me anywhere near as much as I'd like. I have told him off about this more times than I could possibly count, and yet he still doesn't text me more.
I do believe it takes a certain strength in your character to make a relationship like this work. As mentioned, I've told him how much it bothers me countless times. Credit where credit's due, he's a million times better than he used to be, but I believe that I've hit a brick wall and it's just not who he is to be sending me texts every day or unless I've texted him first. It still bothers me though.
There was once a time when I'd have advised someone in a similar situation that they can do better. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with a partner who doesn't do the things they need to be happy. My opinion on this has somewhat changed though.
Call me soppy, but I believe the deciding factor is love! I truly love my boyfriend, and he leaves me in no doubt whether he loves me, and I believe this is worth working for. There have been times when I've been feeling incredibly down and somewhat hormonal. Texting is one of the quickest and easiest ways to keep me happy and he doesn't do it enough. It's true that I could probably find someone else who would text me more, and during these dark times I feel like I should dump him and find one of these people. However, it needs to be put into perspective. I'd be embarrassed to tell anyone that I dumped him for not texting me enough to be honest, and the only reason I'd consider it (apart from having a bad day/hormones) is because how down it makes me. When I think about why it does that though, it's because I love him. I need his presence in my life!
I think the problem is that we're made to have unrealistically high expectations of men. A combination of being female and the men we see in the media. Throughout our lives, we're made to swoon over men who the media make out to be perfect. Just open up any womens' magazine. We're never exposed to the flaws men have.
Male and female minds think completely differently. We just don't function on the same wavelength. It's not that my boyfriend doesn't bother to text me more, it's just that the thought never crosses his mind. It seems the most basic thing to me, but there you are. I see it in almost every man. My mum gets angry at my dad because he never asks how my sister is doing when she goes to visit her. Again, it's not being rude or anything, it just doesn't cross his mind. Us women are a complicated bunch, but I believe we're also a very intelligent group. We operate on a level far deeper than most men do. We think differently, and we tend to get annoyed when men don't operate the same.
There are a number of lessons my experience has taught me.
Nobody is perfect, and you're doomed to disappoint yourself if that's what you're waiting for.
There will be times during your relationship where you want to smack your partner in the face.
You should always tell your partner if something they do is bothering you.
Watch out for the key difference - there's a difference between not doing what you've asked and not being capable of doing what you've asked. Their brains just don't work that way, and they don't do it to spite you.
This one thing, it will always piss you off. I've learnt to accept that he's not gonna text me any more than he does, but it will never stop annoying me.
The most important thing in any relationship isn't how much they text you or take you out to dinner or anything like that, it's love.
I'm not saying that anyone should have to put up with a relationship where the man obviously isn't putting the effort in, or is purposely doing things that seriously upset them, but sometimes it's important to remember how much you love each other and why you do, despite the little things that drive you mad. It's easy to get caught in the moment when they're not doing something you want, but try and remember all the things they do that make you happy.
This is actually a third attempt at a post. I wrote two more posts before this, before I saw my boyfriend today, and it all had me down so much that I ended up crying a lot and writing some things that it wouldn't have been proper for me to post on the internet. I wrote them down and got them off my chest though, which was an important thing for me to do, even if I was back in the same state a few days later.
Everything that's been going on lately has really highlighted some key differences between men and women. Before when I was single, I didn't see the differences quite as much, but these days they seem blindingly obvious.
I know many other women, and it has come to my attention that this is the way of life: Men will always fail to do things that us women consider the most basic and important, and us women will always get pissed off by it. If you're a woman in a long-term relationship, I can almost guarantee that there will be something your partner does or doesn't do that will majorly piss you off, but he continues to do it. With me, he doesn't text me anywhere near as much as I'd like. I have told him off about this more times than I could possibly count, and yet he still doesn't text me more.
I do believe it takes a certain strength in your character to make a relationship like this work. As mentioned, I've told him how much it bothers me countless times. Credit where credit's due, he's a million times better than he used to be, but I believe that I've hit a brick wall and it's just not who he is to be sending me texts every day or unless I've texted him first. It still bothers me though.
There was once a time when I'd have advised someone in a similar situation that they can do better. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with a partner who doesn't do the things they need to be happy. My opinion on this has somewhat changed though.
Call me soppy, but I believe the deciding factor is love! I truly love my boyfriend, and he leaves me in no doubt whether he loves me, and I believe this is worth working for. There have been times when I've been feeling incredibly down and somewhat hormonal. Texting is one of the quickest and easiest ways to keep me happy and he doesn't do it enough. It's true that I could probably find someone else who would text me more, and during these dark times I feel like I should dump him and find one of these people. However, it needs to be put into perspective. I'd be embarrassed to tell anyone that I dumped him for not texting me enough to be honest, and the only reason I'd consider it (apart from having a bad day/hormones) is because how down it makes me. When I think about why it does that though, it's because I love him. I need his presence in my life!
I think the problem is that we're made to have unrealistically high expectations of men. A combination of being female and the men we see in the media. Throughout our lives, we're made to swoon over men who the media make out to be perfect. Just open up any womens' magazine. We're never exposed to the flaws men have.
Male and female minds think completely differently. We just don't function on the same wavelength. It's not that my boyfriend doesn't bother to text me more, it's just that the thought never crosses his mind. It seems the most basic thing to me, but there you are. I see it in almost every man. My mum gets angry at my dad because he never asks how my sister is doing when she goes to visit her. Again, it's not being rude or anything, it just doesn't cross his mind. Us women are a complicated bunch, but I believe we're also a very intelligent group. We operate on a level far deeper than most men do. We think differently, and we tend to get annoyed when men don't operate the same.
There are a number of lessons my experience has taught me.
Nobody is perfect, and you're doomed to disappoint yourself if that's what you're waiting for.
There will be times during your relationship where you want to smack your partner in the face.
You should always tell your partner if something they do is bothering you.
Watch out for the key difference - there's a difference between not doing what you've asked and not being capable of doing what you've asked. Their brains just don't work that way, and they don't do it to spite you.
This one thing, it will always piss you off. I've learnt to accept that he's not gonna text me any more than he does, but it will never stop annoying me.
The most important thing in any relationship isn't how much they text you or take you out to dinner or anything like that, it's love.
I'm not saying that anyone should have to put up with a relationship where the man obviously isn't putting the effort in, or is purposely doing things that seriously upset them, but sometimes it's important to remember how much you love each other and why you do, despite the little things that drive you mad. It's easy to get caught in the moment when they're not doing something you want, but try and remember all the things they do that make you happy.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Kink threshold - what is it?
Surprisingly low, but it is very slowly getting higher.
It's very closely tied into my pain threshold, which is very low. My limit seems to have been handcuffs and blindfolds for ages now, although we have been getting into spanking fights recently (I spank him, he spanks me back, I spank him a bit harder and we keep going harder and harder until one of us can't take it any more. I've yet to win), and I've been having aggressive fantasies where I just want to slap him and call him a fucking whore. Not sure I could really do that in reality though, I love him too much!
I'm not sure if I could say what the absolute limit is, because the things I'm willing to try are always changing, so it stands to reason that my limit changes along with it. I don't think I could ever do anything involving feces. You're probably best off asking me specific things and if I'd do them or not!
Saturday, 8 May 2010
What's your favourite underwear for comfort, and for feel-smexy factor?
I have three categories of underwear in my possession: Boring, don't wanna let my boyfriend see underwear that's really comfy and I wear on days when I'm not seeing him. Very little, if any, of it matches. This is made up of cotton undies and boyshorts bought primarily from Primark. This category is also split into two more categories. Underwear I can actually wear from this category in front of my boyfriend if the rest is in the wash, and the ugly as sin, faded variety where I'd be better off going commando than letting him see.
Category two is nicer underwear that I try to save for 'boyfriend days'. This involves mostly matching sets, satin, lace and nice underwear. Not usually as comfortable as category one but I can wear it day to day.
Category three is made up of purely for show underwear. Stockings and corsets mainly. I love stockings because they bring my waist in, which is where my biggest body issue lies.
To conclude, my favourite underwear for comfort is a black and red pair of boyshorts with red heart buttons I bought from Primark. They're really comfy! Paired up with a white bra with black lace and black polka dots. It doesn't match at all but it's really really comfy. I bought it from the internet and accidentally ordered two, but I didn't mind because it's the most comfortable bra ever.
For sexy feel-good factor, I love corsets. I have a blue and gold one which is absolutely stunning if I do say so myself! Sadly, blue and gold accessories just don't exist.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
rubber silicone or jelly?
I've never used a jelly toy, only ever silicone so I don't feel fully qualified to answer this question! I have seen a jelly toy in Ann Summers before, and it felt really weird! I'd want to use one before passing judgement though.
Silicone is interesting since I own some cheap silicone toys and some more expensive ones, and you can definitely tell the difference in quality.
What is your fave toy?
Bah, I can't be made to choose!
I think I'd say my LoveHoney Jessica Rabbit 2.0. I've got quite a few brilliant toys, but the rabbit can make me orgasm on its own, whereas the others I need to pair up with another toy to get the full vaginal/clit package. I need both to make me orgasm properly. That's why I like my rabbit, because it does both at once! Also love the moving shaft, none of my other toys do that.
Hugs or kisses?
I say hugs. Kisses are the kind of thing I think you have to be in the proper mood for - you get good kisses and not so good kisses, depending on whether both parties are "feeling it". Hugs are always good!
Hugs are also a powerful tool since they're not restricted to just your partner.
What's your favourite position for anal?
I haven't done anal yet! Not properly with a cock, at least. I was given a plug for Valentine's Day that has been interesting to play with, but I'm not sure that anal is for me. It feels sort of weird. I still want to try it some more though, as it's something that I do want to like. I think I'll need more practice with my boyfriend though.
Have you ever had a threesome and if so was it fun?
Never had one, although I'm open to the idea. Would very much like a MFF threesome to explore my bisexual side, although I might be up for a MMF threesome as well.
I'm open to the idea, but if the opportunity came up I'd have to consider it very carefully. I like to think I don't take sex too seriously, but having a threesome is something I'd have to think about beforehand to make sure it worked out for all parties involved.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Would you ever do ass to mouth?
I have had it done to me, but I've not done it as of yet. I wouldn't say that I'd never do it, but there's a big barrier of grossness in the way right now. I want to do it, but can't bring myself to yet. One day, maybe!
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Your mention of pictures to come sounds promising. What a shame we haven't them to look at already. Okay, another question...do you like being restrained?
Only in moderation. It's nothing something I like to do all the time, but every now and then it's quite nice. I've only ever done the basic handcuffs and blindfold though. It's quite torturous not being able to watch or touch my boyfriend when he's doing stuff to me, especially during sex. If I had a gag, it would be the ultimate torture :P
Your profile pic suggests a very attractive woman. Are there any 'more revealing' available?
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
What would be your perfect date?
I'm not really the dating type. I managed to bag my boyfriend without really having to go on any dates as such. :P
I'm quite a shy person really, so I'd like a date where there's not too much pressure to talk or really show myself off. Perhaps a trip to the cinema, although then there might be awkwardness about whether to hug or kiss or whatever. I don't really like eating in front of other people and I'm picky about food so a restaurant is probably out. Maybe bowling would be a good idea. Of course, this is assuming it's a date with a new love and not my long term boyfriend.
If it's with my boyfriend, I'm not too fussed really. He never takes the initiative to go on any 'dates', they're always my idea so I dictate where we go! :P
I'm quite a shy person really, so I'd like a date where there's not too much pressure to talk or really show myself off. Perhaps a trip to the cinema, although then there might be awkwardness about whether to hug or kiss or whatever. I don't really like eating in front of other people and I'm picky about food so a restaurant is probably out. Maybe bowling would be a good idea. Of course, this is assuming it's a date with a new love and not my long term boyfriend.
If it's with my boyfriend, I'm not too fussed really. He never takes the initiative to go on any 'dates', they're always my idea so I dictate where we go! :P
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Gags
I meant to include this in my last post but I didn't so lucky you, you get a whole new post about it now!
Gags are in an area of bondage that I'm hesitant to go into. Part of me wants to, but I think my main concern is that I obviously can't speak while wearing one. This would render me incapable of saying anything if things got uncomfortable or something was wrong. I know there are ways around this, hand gestures, holding some kind of noise maker, but it still seems a little scary.
Breathing scares me a little too. I have an ongoing condition that can make breathing through my nose difficult at times. I really should go back to the doctor about it again, as the last lot of medication didn't solve the problem. That's another story though. I'd be worried that I couldn't breathe if I was wearing a gag.
If I was going to buy a gag, I'd probably go for something like this that would allow me to breathe , although I'm not convinced that it wouldn't make my jaw ache. This one doesn't look too bad but it's not breathable.
I'm not in any kind of rush to get a gag though. Even during bondage, I like to be able to kiss. It's torture for my mouth not to be able to do anything. I know, I know, bondage is supposed to about torture, but I'm a wuss. :P
Gags are in an area of bondage that I'm hesitant to go into. Part of me wants to, but I think my main concern is that I obviously can't speak while wearing one. This would render me incapable of saying anything if things got uncomfortable or something was wrong. I know there are ways around this, hand gestures, holding some kind of noise maker, but it still seems a little scary.
Breathing scares me a little too. I have an ongoing condition that can make breathing through my nose difficult at times. I really should go back to the doctor about it again, as the last lot of medication didn't solve the problem. That's another story though. I'd be worried that I couldn't breathe if I was wearing a gag.
If I was going to buy a gag, I'd probably go for something like this that would allow me to breathe , although I'm not convinced that it wouldn't make my jaw ache. This one doesn't look too bad but it's not breathable.
I'm not in any kind of rush to get a gag though. Even during bondage, I like to be able to kiss. It's torture for my mouth not to be able to do anything. I know, I know, bondage is supposed to about torture, but I'm a wuss. :P
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Bondage
I just realised, in all the excitement about toys, I forgot to talk about bondage!
Bondage is an area that I've been into for quite a while now, but I haven't really advanced very far in it. We still seem to be doing the same kind of stuff that we did when we started out. There tends to be a bit less intimacy with bondage, and it's not very often me and my boyfriend indulge with it.
Bondage was, for a good while, something that I had had a mild interest in since I began having sex, but like alot of the different kinds of toys I want to buy, it was in too much competition with the rest of my list. In these early-ish months of my relationship, I was still clinging on somewhat to sweetness and innocence. Rest assured, all sweetness and innocence is all gone now, but at the time bondage seemed a tad more scarier than it did exciting.
Everything changed when I won a LoveHoney competition and won some rope! Of course, once we had this, we had to try it out. I'm not such a fan of rope bondage, to be honest. There's too much complication with getting the knots right and inescapable, as well as making sure there's not any blood supply being cut off anywhere. I might like to indulge in some shibari some day, but I think in reality it's just going to be too complicated. One day, perhaps!
Not too long after this, LoveHoney had a sale on on blindfolds, and were selling some off for 40p each. This was once again another case of having something thrust upon me in a way. I decided to buy one of these since I could see myself wanting a blindfold some time in the future so I was going to put it away. Even if I never used it, I wasn't going to miss 40p. The blindfold ended up very much like the rope though - once we had it we had to try it and I quite liked it.
Once bondage was becoming a more regular thing, I decided it was time for me to get some proper restraints so we didn't have to worry about the complications with rope. I eventually settled on a pair of Bondage Boutique soft handcuffs in purple. I don't really like purple, but I hate pink with a passion and they were the only two options. Other than the colour, I really like these handcuffs. They work really well. Perhaps I'm in the wrong kink here, but I have a really low pain threshold and I don't like pain, so I didn't want anything metal or too stiff. These handcuffs are really quite comfortable as well as being inescapable. Part of me is tempted to buy another pair of handcuffs in the future in a more sexy, matching colour, but since I'm normally blindfolded and it's rare I'm the dom I don't really get to see them anyway! Plus a good portion of my toys are purple, so I suppose they match. I'd quite like a pair of leather cuffs some time though.
We started off clipping these cuffs to each other or rope tied to the bed, but it still had the problem that the rope would come loose, so I made a trip to B&Q to buy some chain! This will remain one of my treasured memories. I guess they don't get too many people in there buying such short lengths of chain. The old guy who was cutting it for me asked me what I wanted it for, and I didn't do a particularly good job of blagging it. I wish I had it in me to just tell him that I would be using it for bondage. The chain did the trick though. I also bought two keyring rings and attached them to the end, so it's basically like a slipknot. Put the chain around the bedposts and through the ring, clip the handcuffs on and I can't escape. I love being able to pull on the chains really hard and there being no hope.
Sometimes I fantasise during bondage. Usually along the lines of evil _________ has kidnapped me and taken me to ____________ where he intends to have his way with me. Sometimes they're more mundane fantasies, other times I go nuts with it. Sometimes I imagine I've been kidnapped by a demon and he's having sex with me to impregnate me with his demon spawn! Sounds wacky, but it's quite kinky at the same time.
Sex during bondage is torturous. Sex is a really intimate thing for me. I like to be able to have my hands all over my boyfriend and look up at him. I don't like not being able to do that. We usually have the chains long enough that I can at least have my hands in his hair though.
We have tried to spice up bondage a little bit more, but I think the problem with bondage is that it's something you have to be in the mood for. It's not like sex where I'm not always up for it to begin with but I go with it because I know once it gets going I'll love it. Call me a slut, but I don't think I've ever said no to sex.
One time I asked my boyfriend to be really dominating and rough with me. I loved it! Should get around to doing that again some time, although being mistreated like that is something I really have to be in the mood for. I don't see my boyfriend often enough and I miss him so much that when I do get to see him I want cuddles and intimacy rather than being treated rough, even if it is in the name of kinkiness!
I've been wanting to try out some different positions with bondage too. There was one we tried where I was on my front with my hands handcuffed behind my back, but it didn't work so well. Eventually he ended up taking me from behind, if I remember rightly, and I asked him to undo my handcuffs so I could get myself into a more comfortable position.
I want to try chair bondage some time, although this is difficult since I'd have to go fetch a chair from downstairs (which I can't really do when there are family home). The chair in my room is an office chair so I'd be too worried it would tip over with me attached to it (not sexy!). I'd love to try standing up bondage some time, and I'd really love to try one of those swings or whatever equipment it is you'd need to get my legs up in the air! Sadly, at the moment it's not something I want to try badly enough to fork out a fair amount of money for.
I have tried tying up my boyfriend on the odd occasion, but it feels weird! I'm very submissive, and on the occasions when I've tied up my boyfriend I sit there thinking "okay, now what?" Women are different. We have tits and clits and holes and all sorts to play with. I don't know what to do when I've got my boyfriend there in front of me! I have used it on occasion to try things out without the pressure of him knowing beforehand or watching, which has worked quite well. I've also done this when I've bought him toys and have used them on him without him seeing them. Sometimes when I've tied him up I want to jump on top and have sex with him, but it's far too scary. When we have sex, it's always him who feels around for the hole and feeds the penis in, never the other way around. I'm sure it can't be that difficult, but there's probably a subconscious fear that I'll mess up badly and completely miss and crush his cock! There's also the issue that even when I'm on top during normal sex, he's always in control. I don't think I really have it in me to control the things he can't do if he can't see or use his hands. These are probably all issues that I should get over.
Lately we've been getting into spanking, if you can really call it that. It's more like slapping each other's asses until one of us gives in. I've yet to win one of these confontations due to the aforementioned low pain threshold. It's good fun though.
Bondage is an area that I've been into for quite a while now, but I haven't really advanced very far in it. We still seem to be doing the same kind of stuff that we did when we started out. There tends to be a bit less intimacy with bondage, and it's not very often me and my boyfriend indulge with it.
Bondage was, for a good while, something that I had had a mild interest in since I began having sex, but like alot of the different kinds of toys I want to buy, it was in too much competition with the rest of my list. In these early-ish months of my relationship, I was still clinging on somewhat to sweetness and innocence. Rest assured, all sweetness and innocence is all gone now, but at the time bondage seemed a tad more scarier than it did exciting.
Everything changed when I won a LoveHoney competition and won some rope! Of course, once we had this, we had to try it out. I'm not such a fan of rope bondage, to be honest. There's too much complication with getting the knots right and inescapable, as well as making sure there's not any blood supply being cut off anywhere. I might like to indulge in some shibari some day, but I think in reality it's just going to be too complicated. One day, perhaps!
Not too long after this, LoveHoney had a sale on on blindfolds, and were selling some off for 40p each. This was once again another case of having something thrust upon me in a way. I decided to buy one of these since I could see myself wanting a blindfold some time in the future so I was going to put it away. Even if I never used it, I wasn't going to miss 40p. The blindfold ended up very much like the rope though - once we had it we had to try it and I quite liked it.
Once bondage was becoming a more regular thing, I decided it was time for me to get some proper restraints so we didn't have to worry about the complications with rope. I eventually settled on a pair of Bondage Boutique soft handcuffs in purple. I don't really like purple, but I hate pink with a passion and they were the only two options. Other than the colour, I really like these handcuffs. They work really well. Perhaps I'm in the wrong kink here, but I have a really low pain threshold and I don't like pain, so I didn't want anything metal or too stiff. These handcuffs are really quite comfortable as well as being inescapable. Part of me is tempted to buy another pair of handcuffs in the future in a more sexy, matching colour, but since I'm normally blindfolded and it's rare I'm the dom I don't really get to see them anyway! Plus a good portion of my toys are purple, so I suppose they match. I'd quite like a pair of leather cuffs some time though.
We started off clipping these cuffs to each other or rope tied to the bed, but it still had the problem that the rope would come loose, so I made a trip to B&Q to buy some chain! This will remain one of my treasured memories. I guess they don't get too many people in there buying such short lengths of chain. The old guy who was cutting it for me asked me what I wanted it for, and I didn't do a particularly good job of blagging it. I wish I had it in me to just tell him that I would be using it for bondage. The chain did the trick though. I also bought two keyring rings and attached them to the end, so it's basically like a slipknot. Put the chain around the bedposts and through the ring, clip the handcuffs on and I can't escape. I love being able to pull on the chains really hard and there being no hope.
Sometimes I fantasise during bondage. Usually along the lines of evil _________ has kidnapped me and taken me to ____________ where he intends to have his way with me. Sometimes they're more mundane fantasies, other times I go nuts with it. Sometimes I imagine I've been kidnapped by a demon and he's having sex with me to impregnate me with his demon spawn! Sounds wacky, but it's quite kinky at the same time.
Sex during bondage is torturous. Sex is a really intimate thing for me. I like to be able to have my hands all over my boyfriend and look up at him. I don't like not being able to do that. We usually have the chains long enough that I can at least have my hands in his hair though.
We have tried to spice up bondage a little bit more, but I think the problem with bondage is that it's something you have to be in the mood for. It's not like sex where I'm not always up for it to begin with but I go with it because I know once it gets going I'll love it. Call me a slut, but I don't think I've ever said no to sex.
One time I asked my boyfriend to be really dominating and rough with me. I loved it! Should get around to doing that again some time, although being mistreated like that is something I really have to be in the mood for. I don't see my boyfriend often enough and I miss him so much that when I do get to see him I want cuddles and intimacy rather than being treated rough, even if it is in the name of kinkiness!
I've been wanting to try out some different positions with bondage too. There was one we tried where I was on my front with my hands handcuffed behind my back, but it didn't work so well. Eventually he ended up taking me from behind, if I remember rightly, and I asked him to undo my handcuffs so I could get myself into a more comfortable position.
I want to try chair bondage some time, although this is difficult since I'd have to go fetch a chair from downstairs (which I can't really do when there are family home). The chair in my room is an office chair so I'd be too worried it would tip over with me attached to it (not sexy!). I'd love to try standing up bondage some time, and I'd really love to try one of those swings or whatever equipment it is you'd need to get my legs up in the air! Sadly, at the moment it's not something I want to try badly enough to fork out a fair amount of money for.
I have tried tying up my boyfriend on the odd occasion, but it feels weird! I'm very submissive, and on the occasions when I've tied up my boyfriend I sit there thinking "okay, now what?" Women are different. We have tits and clits and holes and all sorts to play with. I don't know what to do when I've got my boyfriend there in front of me! I have used it on occasion to try things out without the pressure of him knowing beforehand or watching, which has worked quite well. I've also done this when I've bought him toys and have used them on him without him seeing them. Sometimes when I've tied him up I want to jump on top and have sex with him, but it's far too scary. When we have sex, it's always him who feels around for the hole and feeds the penis in, never the other way around. I'm sure it can't be that difficult, but there's probably a subconscious fear that I'll mess up badly and completely miss and crush his cock! There's also the issue that even when I'm on top during normal sex, he's always in control. I don't think I really have it in me to control the things he can't do if he can't see or use his hands. These are probably all issues that I should get over.
Lately we've been getting into spanking, if you can really call it that. It's more like slapping each other's asses until one of us gives in. I've yet to win one of these confontations due to the aforementioned low pain threshold. It's good fun though.
Monday, 26 April 2010
My favourite "boyfriend" toys
Once we got past buying my first few toys, I completely lost track of what toys I bought and when. So, I'm going to just talk about whichever toys spring to my mind as I think about it. Although all my toys are from the same website and I could easily go back and go through my order history, I'm too lazy for that! Being spontaneous is much more fun.
In this post I'm going to talk about my favourite "boyfriend" toys - the ones that I love having my boyfriend use on me.
I've already talked quite a bit about the Bang Bang Bunny, which is a toy I love when my boyfriend uses it on me. I don't have the patience for fiddly clit vibes, and I can't really see what I'm doing. I've never used a mirror to see because I find the sight of my own genitals a turn off (and yet, although only recently discovered, lesbian porn is the only porn I can watch without feeling a little grossed out). I sit in front of the mirror when I shave and think "God, is that really what it looks like down there? What does my boyfriend see in all this?" When I do clit stim on myself, I want a toy I can mash against my clit. I like to exert a fair amount of pressure on my clit, which I can't do with the Bang Bang Bunny. I do have a rabbit that is somewhat better for that, but that's another post since it's not a boyfriend toy. I do get off on movement on my clit alot though, and I've got high hopes for the Sqweel when I eventually get one.
Funnily enough, my two favourite boyfriend toys are two of the ones I didn't actually pay for! Well, for the most part at least.
< My favourite vibrator for my boyfriend to use on me is the Petite Couture Precious vibrator, which I originally got as a tester from LoveHoney. I won't go into the tiny details of it as you can read my review on the product page, but it's just magical. The silicone seems to be of much higher quality than the other toys I own, and the shape is perfect. I don't really indulge in G-spot play since I've never been able to find mine properly, even with proper G-spot toys, but when thrust in and out of me, this toy does something to me that the others don't. I eventually ended up breaking this toy and I was gutted. LoveHoney normally have a great returns policy but since I got this one free I was gutted and sad that I was going to have to buy another one, since it's quite expensive for a vibrator. I got in touch with customer services and they let me buy another one for half price though, so it was all good in the end.
My other favourite boyfriend toy was one I recieved as a gift. It is the LoveHoney Waver Glass Dildo. Again, my full opinion is in the review on the product page. I love the waviness and smoothness of this it feels wonderful. I had another glass dildo before this one which was textured but it ended up being too textured and uncomfortable. It was the first present my boyfriend ever bought me too, so I wish I could get more use out of it, but he bought it from my wishlist so it's my own fault really! Anyway, this glass dildo is really nice, although I suspect it's just the nature of glass dildos rather than this one being especially great (not that it isn't!). I'd love to try some more glass dildos some time, but since I can't really use dildos on my own they're not very high on my sexy shopping list. Any sex toy is very much appreciated as a gift though!
In this post I'm going to talk about my favourite "boyfriend" toys - the ones that I love having my boyfriend use on me.
I've already talked quite a bit about the Bang Bang Bunny, which is a toy I love when my boyfriend uses it on me. I don't have the patience for fiddly clit vibes, and I can't really see what I'm doing. I've never used a mirror to see because I find the sight of my own genitals a turn off (and yet, although only recently discovered, lesbian porn is the only porn I can watch without feeling a little grossed out). I sit in front of the mirror when I shave and think "God, is that really what it looks like down there? What does my boyfriend see in all this?" When I do clit stim on myself, I want a toy I can mash against my clit. I like to exert a fair amount of pressure on my clit, which I can't do with the Bang Bang Bunny. I do have a rabbit that is somewhat better for that, but that's another post since it's not a boyfriend toy. I do get off on movement on my clit alot though, and I've got high hopes for the Sqweel when I eventually get one.
Funnily enough, my two favourite boyfriend toys are two of the ones I didn't actually pay for! Well, for the most part at least.
< My favourite vibrator for my boyfriend to use on me is the Petite Couture Precious vibrator, which I originally got as a tester from LoveHoney. I won't go into the tiny details of it as you can read my review on the product page, but it's just magical. The silicone seems to be of much higher quality than the other toys I own, and the shape is perfect. I don't really indulge in G-spot play since I've never been able to find mine properly, even with proper G-spot toys, but when thrust in and out of me, this toy does something to me that the others don't. I eventually ended up breaking this toy and I was gutted. LoveHoney normally have a great returns policy but since I got this one free I was gutted and sad that I was going to have to buy another one, since it's quite expensive for a vibrator. I got in touch with customer services and they let me buy another one for half price though, so it was all good in the end.My other favourite boyfriend toy was one I recieved as a gift. It is the LoveHoney Waver Glass Dildo. Again, my full opinion is in the review on the product page. I love the waviness and smoothness of this it feels wonderful. I had another glass dildo before this one which was textured but it ended up being too textured and uncomfortable. It was the first present my boyfriend ever bought me too, so I wish I could get more use out of it, but he bought it from my wishlist so it's my own fault really! Anyway, this glass dildo is really nice, although I suspect it's just the nature of glass dildos rather than this one being especially great (not that it isn't!). I'd love to try some more glass dildos some time, but since I can't really use dildos on my own they're not very high on my sexy shopping list. Any sex toy is very much appreciated as a gift though!
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Legs!
Some eye candy for y'all. I'm still finding it difficult to believe they're actually my own legs!
Self esteem +5 points.
Friday, 23 April 2010
Being a woman
There are some things I love about being a woman, and other things I hate.
I hate these bloody hormones. I know they're not helped by my implant, but hormones play havoc with my moods. One minute I can be bouncy and happy then all of a sudden I'm in a deep depression. I'm usually pretty strong emotionally and like to think I'm in control of my emotions, but sometimes the tiniest little thing can happen and I'll be in a mood all day. Things that aren't even worth acknowledging sometimes, let alone getting that down about them. No matter what I do, the mood doesn't seem to shift, hence why I know it's hormones. The very same things that on another day I'd be able to easily shrug off gets me depressed.
I get really needy as a woman. There was once a time when I could be content by myself, but there are some days where I just crave intimacy, especially on days when I'm not doing anything else. I understand that my boyfriend can't be here for me all the time, and quite often I wake up on these days and think "Yeah, I can totally handle a day without him. I'm a strong independent woman!" By the afternoon, I start feeling down and missing my boyfriend. I really want him to be with me. I know there'd be something wrong if I didn't miss my boyfriend, but sometimes I hate how dependent it makes me feel.
I hate how different I am as a woman from men. I wish I could be like all the men I know. I want to be what you see is what you get. I want things not to bother me rather than just pretending they don't bother me.
I hate the pressure to look perfect all the time! Women aren't born with health and life threatening obsessions about their looks - it is the media that does this. Both sexes are conditioned into the belief that women need to look perfect all the time. I hate how I can post a picture of my legs and sexy shoes on an internet forum and be dead proud of myself and amazed at how sexy I am until someone else posts a picture of their own, thinner legs and makes me just go...oh. I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me nicely and make me look good because I'm not stick thin and the right shape. I'm aware that I don't have the perfect body and I'm not as thin as I'd like to be (or perhaps as thin as the media has conditioned me to want to be), but I get angry at shops like H&M who don't think I fit into their 'image' at my weight and make their sizes anorexic - I can't even squeeze into a size 16 in there, the biggest size they do. I hate how having a little bit of weight on my stomach makes me 'plus size'. I want to be able to put on the size that fits me and not have to buy a size or two bigger because my actual size makes me look and feel fat. I'm currently wearing size 12-14 knickers. The top I'm wearing is an 18. I hate being looked down upon if I say I don't wear makeup.
I hate bra shopping. Apparently once you get above a D cup, you want to keep your boobs strapped down rather than wearing a bra that'll show off your best assets (and I really do consider my breasts among my best assets. I bloody love them). I'm an F cup and I want a push up bra! Is that so much to ask for? I want to be able to walk into any shop that sells bras and be able to find my size! I don't want to have to find a specialist shop or a website that'll rip me off but I have to pay their prices because nowhere else does my size.
I hate that I feel unsexy if I don't shave my legs and underarms. Why is it acceptable for men but not for women? I hate how I have scars on my legs from shaving them. Trying to make myself feel beautiful has actually made me permanently less so!
I get confused when men say 'ladies first' or let me through a door before stepping through themselves. If my boyfriend did it I'd love it because he's doing it because he loves me and I'm personally special to him. When random men do it I get confused because up until that point I consider them as equals, but it becomes apparent that they consider me to be of a weaker sex or have some idea of chivalry that they need to make allowances for women. I don't like it when men don't swear because they're in front of women. You'd swear in front of other men, but not in front of women just because we're the opposite sex. I'm not weak-minded or offended by swearing.
I hate how I'm not naturally strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. My boyfriend can pin me down with ease, and he's not even a particularly physical person. I can't see him ever working out or doing anything to make himself stronger. He just has this natural ability to be strong and pin me down. I hate making excuses about not being able to lift things or do things because I'm a woman and I just can't do it.
I hate the small doubt in my mind sometimes that I feel slutty because I think about sex a lot. It's fine for men, but it makes me feel a bit of a slut sometimes.
There are things I do love about being a woman though.
I love these tits of mine. They hang in front of me and I sort of feel proud of them. They're big and round and they make me feel feminine. They make me feel beautiful. They're fun to play with and they are the area of my body I like the most.
I love my vulva (it's my first time ever using that word!) and all the different parts that make it up. I love my clitoris and I love my vagina. I love the variety of ways to stimulate them. I love all my sex toys and I love my ability to have multiple orgasms.
I love being able to look in the mirror even on my worst days and still feel like I'm beautiful inside.
I don't care if I annoy some feminists, I love that it is as simple as throwing on a corset and a pair of heels and feeling like a goddess. I jump up and down in front of the mirror and am in awe of myself at how sexy I look and feel, and I'm not even a vain person.
I love my curves! Screw what the media and society says, I enjoy having hips, breasts, a bum, and even my belly! Even if it is bigger than I'd would really like it to be, I love the contours of my body. I love how varied my body is.
I love being on the bottom during sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy being on the top as well, but I love that it's okay to be submissive. Despite the pressure to look good everyday, I love that my worth in bed isn't based on how big my cock is. There's not the pressure to perform.
Most of all, I love that I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even the bits that I personally hate about myself. That kind of love is invaluable and irreplaceable. No matter how low my self-esteem may go one day, the kind of love that I have that tells me I'm always wonderful is the most special thing in the world.
I hate these bloody hormones. I know they're not helped by my implant, but hormones play havoc with my moods. One minute I can be bouncy and happy then all of a sudden I'm in a deep depression. I'm usually pretty strong emotionally and like to think I'm in control of my emotions, but sometimes the tiniest little thing can happen and I'll be in a mood all day. Things that aren't even worth acknowledging sometimes, let alone getting that down about them. No matter what I do, the mood doesn't seem to shift, hence why I know it's hormones. The very same things that on another day I'd be able to easily shrug off gets me depressed.
I get really needy as a woman. There was once a time when I could be content by myself, but there are some days where I just crave intimacy, especially on days when I'm not doing anything else. I understand that my boyfriend can't be here for me all the time, and quite often I wake up on these days and think "Yeah, I can totally handle a day without him. I'm a strong independent woman!" By the afternoon, I start feeling down and missing my boyfriend. I really want him to be with me. I know there'd be something wrong if I didn't miss my boyfriend, but sometimes I hate how dependent it makes me feel.
I hate how different I am as a woman from men. I wish I could be like all the men I know. I want to be what you see is what you get. I want things not to bother me rather than just pretending they don't bother me.
I hate the pressure to look perfect all the time! Women aren't born with health and life threatening obsessions about their looks - it is the media that does this. Both sexes are conditioned into the belief that women need to look perfect all the time. I hate how I can post a picture of my legs and sexy shoes on an internet forum and be dead proud of myself and amazed at how sexy I am until someone else posts a picture of their own, thinner legs and makes me just go...oh. I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me nicely and make me look good because I'm not stick thin and the right shape. I'm aware that I don't have the perfect body and I'm not as thin as I'd like to be (or perhaps as thin as the media has conditioned me to want to be), but I get angry at shops like H&M who don't think I fit into their 'image' at my weight and make their sizes anorexic - I can't even squeeze into a size 16 in there, the biggest size they do. I hate how having a little bit of weight on my stomach makes me 'plus size'. I want to be able to put on the size that fits me and not have to buy a size or two bigger because my actual size makes me look and feel fat. I'm currently wearing size 12-14 knickers. The top I'm wearing is an 18. I hate being looked down upon if I say I don't wear makeup.
I hate bra shopping. Apparently once you get above a D cup, you want to keep your boobs strapped down rather than wearing a bra that'll show off your best assets (and I really do consider my breasts among my best assets. I bloody love them). I'm an F cup and I want a push up bra! Is that so much to ask for? I want to be able to walk into any shop that sells bras and be able to find my size! I don't want to have to find a specialist shop or a website that'll rip me off but I have to pay their prices because nowhere else does my size.
I hate that I feel unsexy if I don't shave my legs and underarms. Why is it acceptable for men but not for women? I hate how I have scars on my legs from shaving them. Trying to make myself feel beautiful has actually made me permanently less so!
I get confused when men say 'ladies first' or let me through a door before stepping through themselves. If my boyfriend did it I'd love it because he's doing it because he loves me and I'm personally special to him. When random men do it I get confused because up until that point I consider them as equals, but it becomes apparent that they consider me to be of a weaker sex or have some idea of chivalry that they need to make allowances for women. I don't like it when men don't swear because they're in front of women. You'd swear in front of other men, but not in front of women just because we're the opposite sex. I'm not weak-minded or offended by swearing.
I hate how I'm not naturally strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. My boyfriend can pin me down with ease, and he's not even a particularly physical person. I can't see him ever working out or doing anything to make himself stronger. He just has this natural ability to be strong and pin me down. I hate making excuses about not being able to lift things or do things because I'm a woman and I just can't do it.
I hate the small doubt in my mind sometimes that I feel slutty because I think about sex a lot. It's fine for men, but it makes me feel a bit of a slut sometimes.
There are things I do love about being a woman though.
I love these tits of mine. They hang in front of me and I sort of feel proud of them. They're big and round and they make me feel feminine. They make me feel beautiful. They're fun to play with and they are the area of my body I like the most.
I love my vulva (it's my first time ever using that word!) and all the different parts that make it up. I love my clitoris and I love my vagina. I love the variety of ways to stimulate them. I love all my sex toys and I love my ability to have multiple orgasms.
I love being able to look in the mirror even on my worst days and still feel like I'm beautiful inside.
I don't care if I annoy some feminists, I love that it is as simple as throwing on a corset and a pair of heels and feeling like a goddess. I jump up and down in front of the mirror and am in awe of myself at how sexy I look and feel, and I'm not even a vain person.
I love my curves! Screw what the media and society says, I enjoy having hips, breasts, a bum, and even my belly! Even if it is bigger than I'd would really like it to be, I love the contours of my body. I love how varied my body is.
I love being on the bottom during sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy being on the top as well, but I love that it's okay to be submissive. Despite the pressure to look good everyday, I love that my worth in bed isn't based on how big my cock is. There's not the pressure to perform.
Most of all, I love that I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even the bits that I personally hate about myself. That kind of love is invaluable and irreplaceable. No matter how low my self-esteem may go one day, the kind of love that I have that tells me I'm always wonderful is the most special thing in the world.
You are visitor no:
