Being a woman

There are some things I love about being a woman, and other things I hate.

I hate these bloody hormones. I know they're not helped by my implant, but hormones play havoc with my moods. One minute I can be bouncy and happy then all of a sudden I'm in a deep depression. I'm usually pretty strong emotionally and like to think I'm in control of my emotions, but sometimes the tiniest little thing can happen and I'll be in a mood all day. Things that aren't even worth acknowledging sometimes, let alone getting that down about them. No matter what I do, the mood doesn't seem to shift, hence why I know it's hormones. The very same things that on another day I'd be able to easily shrug off gets me depressed.

I get really needy as a woman. There was once a time when I could be content by myself, but there are some days where I just crave intimacy, especially on days when I'm not doing anything else. I understand that my boyfriend can't be here for me all the time, and quite often I wake up on these days and think "Yeah, I can totally handle a day without him. I'm a strong independent woman!" By the afternoon, I start feeling down and missing my boyfriend. I really want him to be with me. I know there'd be something wrong if I didn't miss my boyfriend, but sometimes I hate how dependent it makes me feel.

I hate how different I am as a woman from men. I wish I could be like all the men I know. I want to be what you see is what you get. I want things not to bother me rather than just pretending they don't bother me.

I hate the pressure to look perfect all the time! Women aren't born with health and life threatening obsessions about their looks - it is the media that does this. Both sexes are conditioned into the belief that women need to look perfect all the time. I hate how I can post a picture of my legs and sexy shoes on an internet forum and be dead proud of myself and amazed at how sexy I am until someone else posts a picture of their own, thinner legs and makes me just go...oh. I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me nicely and make me look good because I'm not stick thin and the right shape. I'm aware that I don't have the perfect body and I'm not as thin as I'd like to be (or perhaps as thin as the media has conditioned me to want to be), but I get angry at shops like H&M who don't think I fit into their 'image' at my weight and make their sizes anorexic - I can't even squeeze into a size 16 in there, the biggest size they do. I hate how having a little bit of weight on my stomach makes me 'plus size'. I want to be able to put on the size that fits me and not have to buy a size or two bigger because my actual size makes me look and feel fat. I'm currently wearing size 12-14 knickers. The top I'm wearing is an 18. I hate being looked down upon if I say I don't wear makeup.

I hate bra shopping. Apparently once you get above a D cup, you want to keep your boobs strapped down rather than wearing a bra that'll show off your best assets (and I really do consider my breasts among my best assets. I bloody love them). I'm an F cup and I want a push up bra! Is that so much to ask for? I want to be able to walk into any shop that sells bras and be able to find my size! I don't want to have to find a specialist shop or a website that'll rip me off but I have to pay their prices because nowhere else does my size.

I hate that I feel unsexy if I don't shave my legs and underarms. Why is it acceptable for men but not for women? I hate how I have scars on my legs from shaving them. Trying to make myself feel beautiful has actually made me permanently less so!

I get confused when men say 'ladies first' or let me through a door before stepping through themselves. If my boyfriend did it I'd love it because he's doing it because he loves me and I'm personally special to him. When random men do it I get confused because up until that point I consider them as equals, but it becomes apparent that they consider me to be of a weaker sex or have some idea of chivalry that they need to make allowances for women. I don't like it when men don't swear because they're in front of women. You'd swear in front of other men, but not in front of women just because we're the opposite sex. I'm not weak-minded or offended by swearing.

I hate how I'm not naturally strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. My boyfriend can pin me down with ease, and he's not even a particularly physical person. I can't see him ever working out or doing anything to make himself stronger. He just has this natural ability to be strong and pin me down. I hate making excuses about not being able to lift things or do things because I'm a woman and I just can't do it.

I hate the small doubt in my mind sometimes that I feel slutty because I think about sex a lot. It's fine for men, but it makes me feel a bit of a slut sometimes.

There are things I do love about being a woman though.

I love these tits of mine. They hang in front of me and I sort of feel proud of them. They're big and round and they make me feel feminine. They make me feel beautiful. They're fun to play with and they are the area of my body I like the most.

I love my vulva (it's my first time ever using that word!) and all the different parts that make it up. I love my clitoris and I love my vagina. I love the variety of ways to stimulate them. I love all my sex toys and I love my ability to have multiple orgasms.

I love being able to look in the mirror even on my worst days and still feel like I'm beautiful inside.

I don't care if I annoy some feminists, I love that it is as simple as throwing on a corset and a pair of heels and feeling like a goddess. I jump up and down in front of the mirror and am in awe of myself at how sexy I look and feel, and I'm not even a vain person.

I love my curves! Screw what the media and society says, I enjoy having hips, breasts, a bum, and even my belly! Even if it is bigger than I'd would really like it to be, I love the contours of my body. I love how varied my body is.

I love being on the bottom during sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy being on the top as well, but I love that it's okay to be submissive. Despite the pressure to look good everyday, I love that my worth in bed isn't based on how big my cock is. There's not the pressure to perform.

Most of all, I love that I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even the bits that I personally hate about myself. That kind of love is invaluable and irreplaceable. No matter how low my self-esteem may go one day, the kind of love that I have that tells me I'm always wonderful is the most special thing in the world.