Bisexuality

There's been a lot of talk on the LoveHoney forums lately about bisexuality, so I think that the time has come for me to step away from the ongoing story of my blog for a moment and write a bit about my sexuality. Gonna be a long one! You might wanna grab a tea or coffee before we start :P

I'm currently identifying myself as bicurious. It's something that I've only realised about myself recently, but now that I've seen it and recognised it there's a lot of things throughout my life that seem to make a hell of a lot more sense. In a way it's quite liberating, but in another way it's infuriating since I don't have another woman that I can explore myself with and be able to confirm to myself that I really am bisexual. Until I can have an experience with woman and come out of it saying I enjoyed it, I will call myself bicurious.

Being bicurious to me does not mean that I will happily get fully involved with either gender. It's much more complicated than that. The short version is this: I like men for relationships, and women for sex.

The long version:

Throughout my life I've usually found it easier to get along with guys than girls. I'm not sure why that is, but the personality chemistry seems to flow more freely and I'm usually able to form more deeper friendships than with girls. I can get along with girls, but it feels more of an effort and it's been a rare occasion when I can say I've had a close female friend.

Girls seem so complicated, there's no way I'd want a relationship with one. I look at myself and there's no way I'd be able to handle a relationship with someone like that, and most girls I've seen are much worse than me. Us girls have issues! I think I need a "what you see is what you get" man to balance me out, all girls do.

Physically though, I find girls incredibly attractive. It's only since I've recognised my bicuriousness that I've been able to really embrace it and explore it, but I find the right kind of woman not only physically attractive, but sexually attractive. I am quite picky about the women I find attractive though, it's not just any. I love a woman whose personality reflects through her looks, as long as it's the right kind of personality.

Men are a different story. No matter how many pictures you show me of men, I am just incapable of finding any of them attractive. I just can't do it, and not only because I'm already in a relationship with a man I love very much. Some erotic pictures of men I've seen even go beyond "This isn't doing anything for me", I actually find them a turn off. Not because they're ugly or anything, but simply because they're men. When I first saw my boyfriend as a potential partner, I didn't find him physically attractive at all. I find it a little bit embarrassing to admit that, but it's one of those things that makes sense to me now in hindsight. Not to say he's not good looking, and I think he's gorgeous now, but I'm unable to find a man attractive that I don't have requitable romantic feelings for. When I think about all the reasons I find my boyfriend attractive now, it's all linked to my feelings for him. I find him attractive because it's him, and not because he's a male and I find males attractive. I've never had another relationship with a man, but I feel very much that that would still be the case with someone else.

Men are much more the full package for me. As previously mentioned, it's much easier for me to form bonds with males than females. When I think back to my old school friends throughout the years, the girls tended to be people to hang around and do stuff with, whereas guys were more for conversations and really getting to know each other. Perhaps a woman will come along one day and be an exception for me, but I form deeper friendships with men and that's the basis I need to start a relationship. I don't believe in love at first sight at all - I truly believe that you have to know someone to love them. Anything at first sight is lust. I could write a whole post on that by itself though, maybe I will some time. Back to the topic, I find most girls' personalities quite disappointing, and I've never had a female friend where I can honestly think if I had that kind of relationship with a guy it would turn into something romantic. Thinking back through every girl I've been friends with, there is at most one that there would be the tiniest glimmer of hope if I got to know them better and sadly she's straight. Hope extinguished.

So, I find women sexually attractive but the personalities can actually turn me off, while men's looks turn me off but they can win be over with a decent personality.

How I came to realise my bicuriousness is quite a long story made up of many random components that all built up to one conclusion, and not all of them were obvious at the time. As I'm writing this, I will probably be shocked at how many of them there are and wonder why I didn't realise I was bicurious sooner.

There are some recent events that were the ones that made me realise, but I think I've always been that way. Hanging around the LoveHoney forums and talking to my boyfriend, the topic of threesomes came up a bit. It was and still is nothing more than a fantasy, but as the topic swirled around in my head, the idea of having another woman in bed with me seemed quite delicious. Threesomes is a topic that was actually quite old with me, but I'd never considered being pleasured by a woman because I'd always assumed a MFF threesome would involve the two girls pleasuring the man. It wasn't until I think it was my boyfriend pointed out that it could be a man and a woman pleasuring another woman that I thought about it and realised that the idea of being pleasured by a woman didn't seem totally bad.

Not too long later, I had a dream. I was in the woods doing unrelated things and then the next thing I knew I was in a room with another girl. She was 18, bleached blonde, a good deal shorter than me even though she was wearing high heels and a matching tight blue dress. She pinned me against a wall and kissed me. I told myself I'd kiss her three times, then it turned into four, but once I decided five it turned into a full make-out session. In the dream I was incredibly turned on, my whole nether regions were throbbing hard (I know you erotica connoisseurs hate the word "throbbing", but sorry, that's what my bits do when I get turned on) and I thought to myself "Maybe this girl can be my girlfriend". I wasn't at all disgusted when I woke up. I felt it was one of the best dreams I've ever had. I told a few people about it and they all thought that her being shorter than me was a sign that I didn't want someone who was too physically intimidating for me, although her kissing me like that was a sign I wanted a woman who'd still be the dom like my boyfriend is, which I'd say is an accurate representation of what I think I want.

A little bit after that, I heard mention of Filament magazine, which is basically a porn magazine featuring erotic photographs of men. I ended up buying a copy because it all sounded very interesting, but just looking at the sample pages on the website, it suddenly smacked me that I was at least a little bisexual. There is some brilliant photography in there that I really admire, but I looked at it and somehow knew that I'd get much more sexually out of looking at photographs of naked women. It was then that I had the revelation.

So many pieces seemed to click into place. Over the years I've had many naked pictures thrown at me in different places, and with a male one I always wanted to avert my eyes immediately, but women I can comfortably look at and admire her body, even if its not in a sexual way. I found it more attractive to look at.

When walking around school and places like that, I'd always been drawn to look if a girl was walking up the stairs in front of me, bum in front of my face. At the time it was highly embarrassing and annoying as I had no idea why my brain was making me do it, but it went on for years. I never looked at men's asses on the stairs. I've never admitted this before but it makes sense now.

Since being on the LoveHoney forums, I'd been shown a website called Sex Is Not The Enemy, which has some great photography of people of all sexualities and combinations. I've always been unable to watch porn (I'm considering it now, but that's another blog post), but looking through these photos, I saw a pattern in hindsight. I find pictures of women pleasuring women much easier to look at than men pleasuring women. When I look at M-F pictures, I focus much more on the woman's pleasure than the man who's doing it to her. There is the anomaly that I find M-M pictures quite erotic at times, and I'm not sure what that's about. Would be interested to hear if anyone has any theories on that.

Since knowing I'm bicurious, there's been a few things that have confirmed it for me.


The first was when a Twitter buddy posted this picture. You can click on it to see a bigger version. Okay, this girl isn't quite my type. Probably a little too much eye makeup for my taste, I'm not really a fan of tattoos or piercings and she reminds me too much of Lily Allen but it was the first photo I had EVER looked at and found truly erotic. Throbbing was happening, and it was a picture of a woman. I still get turned on looking at it now.


I've experimented, fantasising about women when I play with my toys to see what it's like, and it works just as well if not better as when I fantasise about my boyfriend. This not only proves that I can enjoy women in a sexual context, but my inabilty to have any erotic fantasies about men other than my boyfriend also proves the point.

I've spent time at work looking at passers by, focussing on couples. Every time a couple passed I asked myself if I would rather have sex with the man or the woman, and 99% of the time I say the woman.

However, it's not all women that I find attractive. I've been trying to find a pattern, and it does seem that I have a type. The right kind of glasses help. Blonde hair can be a bit of a turn off for me. Makeup yes, but very subtle. There was a new girl at work who on the first day I found sexually attractive, and she fit the description perfectly. However, as I've got to know her, I've gone completely off her and don't find her attractive at all. Her personality sucks, and that was enough to stop me finding her attractive.

I had to clean the staff rooms at work last week, and one of them had an FHM calendar hung up. Typical busty blondes. I flicked through the months and thought "Come on guys, really?". I just couldn't find anything that worked for me in that calendar. It was incredibly superficial and so stereotypical. Along with the photo I talked about previously I realised that I liked women who showed personality through their looks.

Interestingly enough, the picture for April was one of Pixie Lott. She was just about decent but heavily made up and it did nothing at all for me. However, as I googled a picture of her to link to in this post, I've seen her without all the shocking makeup and actually find her quite attractive. The blonde hair doesn't work for me, but in her other pictures she shows personality and I think "Sure, I'd let her do me!" I'm not into music so I may be wrong, but she looks a bit too sub for me. Other than that and the blonde hair, she looks good! If she had darker hair, I could be turned on by this picture.

There's also all of the lovely ladies I know from the forums. We all like to play around and flirt with each other and it's all good fun, but I saw that I'm not of the personality where I could really talk to another woman about doing sexual things with her if there wasn't a little bit of that inclination in me.

I'm sure there were other things as well, but there are just so many. Might have to come back again later if I remember loads more.

So, now I know I'm bicurious, where does that leave me?

I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who is completely open-minded. I've spoken to other bisexual women who have said their men have felt various degrees of threat at the revelation and some won't let their women do things with other women. It made me appreciative of my own boyfriend and I saw that sometimes I take for granted the level of acceptance and freedom I have.

My boyfriend is not at all threatened by the fact that I want sex with a woman. He completely loves it. So much so that he's been appending "bisexual" before my name whenever he says it. I explained to him that until I've had sex with a woman and liked it I'm only bicurious, but he told me it was too late to change the saying now. I don't mind as long as he changes it to straight or drops it if I change my mind about it all.

I started off as fantasising about a threesome, but I now I'm sure I want something one-on-one (at least to begin with). Having my boyfriend present would seem too much pressure on me and I wouldn't be able to properly explore.

My boyfriend is polyamorist (something else that I'll be posting about later). For those of you who don't know, it's the belief and practice of having more than one partner. It has to be agreed with all people involved, which means it's not cheating. I don't really agree with it as such. I go with it because I knew he was before we got together and althought he's said he would stop for me, he feels quite strongly about it. I can't promise I wouldn't get jealous if he actually did get another woman, but so far hoping it never happens has been working for me. However, the benefit of him being polyamorist is that he's not hypocritical and has extended those same priveleges to me, telling me that he's happy for me to do whatever I want with whoever I want. I can't ever see myself with another man, but for the purposes of my bisexuality it works out fantastically as I can have another woman without having to worry about jealousy, insecurity or any nasty stuff like that.

Everything in my relationship with my boyfriend is perfectly set up for me to get the female fuck buddy/friend with benefits that I want. Everything except the presence of a woman in my life who would be suitable. I've always thought that when the time is right for you to have a partner then the right person will appear, but it's infurating really wanting a woman and there not being one for me right now.

Truth be told, I can't really see how I'm ever going to find a woman. There are no women in my life right now who are lesbian or bisexual, or at least none who are open about it. I don't go out and socialise much so it's unlikely I'm ever going to meet one, and even then she'd have to be right. I'm not going to jump into bed with just any woman. I also wouldn't want to resort to using a website to find a woman, although using the internet to get to know a woman I already knew in real life wouldn't be a completely bad option.

It all seems so impossible though. I had a crippling fear of rejection when I wanted to ask my boyfriend out, and I was 99.99% sure he liked me in that way. Not only with a woman would I have to make sure she liked me, I'd have to establish that she was actually lesbian or bisexual and set out the rules that I don't want a proper relationship with her. So complicated.

I find this situation quite infurating at times as since being with my boyfriend, it is the first sexual experience I have ever desired that is not easily attainable for me. Until I've had a sexual experience with a woman and really enjoyed it, I don't feel that I can properly know where my sexuality stands.

All I can really do is hope for the best, I suppose!