The Next Few Times

My sister had put a lot of effort into telling me to wait to have sex with my boyfriend, although she never said why. She always just felt that we should wait longer, but that was never going to hold me off. Even now, she hasn't said. There was no reason for me and my boyfriend to wait, we were already ready. I think the difference is that I'm a good few years older than my sister, so we're more mature. Secondly, I wonder if there was some jealousy or something going on that me and my boyfriend were having sex at the three month point in our relationship. Three months into her relationship, she hadn't even kissed her boyfriend yet. Were it not for a (probably drunken) Halloween party, it probably would have been even longer.

Anyway, once we did have sex, I spoke to my sister about it and told her how much it hurt. She told me it was normal, and since I wasn't going to see my boyfriend for a few days now, it would give my body chance to heal and adjust and then the next time should be lovely and pain free.

The next time my boyfriend was over and started giving me oral for foreplay, I got really excited. It was almost like this was going to be my real first time without all that pain. I was expecting it to be amazing.

It wasn't. It still felt like a sneak preview of childbirth. Even though it did hurt marginally less than the first time, it was still obscenely painful. It was even more gutting because of the fact that I was expecting it to be amazing, and this is how I knew it wasn't hurting because I was expecting it to.

The fourth time hurt, and so did the fifth time I had sex.

One time, something weird came over me afterwards. I dont think I've ever spoke to my boyfriend about it, although he was obviously there at the time. We finished having sex, and for some reason I just really wanted to cry. To this day, I still don't know why. There was nothing that had happened that made me want to cry, and I knew it wasn't because it hurt (even though it really did hurt). My boyfriend picked up on my mood asked me if I was alright and I told him I was fine. If I said no, I couldn't tell him why because I didn't know myself, and I think you'd be hard pushed to find something worse to do for a guy after sex than cry. I felt awful and completely drained, and I had no idea why. I remember looking at my clock and seeing the time was twenty to nine. He always goes home at nine, and I sort of just wished he'd go home then so I could get it all out of my system. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to hold it all in for twenty minutes. I sort of feel bad about writing this now because he's going to read it and maybe feel bad about it, but over a year later, I just have no idea why I felt that way. It was nothing that either of us had done. I just seemed to hit a downer. I can't remember if it was the third time we had sex or not, but maybe it was the shock of expecting it to be amazing and then getting the shock of killer pain again.


Although it was getting marginally less painful each time we had sex, at the rate we were going it was going to be a few years before I was having pain-free sex. To help speed up the process, after the fifth time my boyfriend agreed we should try lube. It couldn't really make things any worse, at least. I had a bit of shopping to do, so I wrote myself a little list, with 'L' as one item, just in case someone else found it! It felt so naughty the first time I bought lube and handed it over to the cashier, even though it was in with a load of other items. These days it doesn't bother me at all. Back along Tesco had a buy one get on free offer on lube, and taking two bottles up to the till didn't bother me. I almost got four bottles but didn't because it would take me too long to get through, even though I know it wouldn't go to waste.

The sixth time we had sex, we used the lube. It was a marked improvement. It still hurt, but the pain had been reduced enough that I was able to put it to one side and enjoy having sex for the first time. I wished I could have tried lube sooner. I'm such a fan of lube now, I feel I owe it a great deal of gratitude.