This was something I actually wrote in a thread on the LoveHoney forums, but it turned into a proper essay, and I feel that it sums up my feelings on my body enough that it is worthy of posting here.
To answer the question in the thread title [do you like your naked self?], my reaction to my naked self is "meh, I'm alright". I do have some crazy confidence issues, both in terms of hating parts of my body that don't deserve it, and vice versa.
I am generally confident with my naked body, and much more with my naked body than when I am clothed. Clothes just never seem to fit right, especially around the waist. They seem to pull me in which gives me a bit of a muffin top sometimes. Naked though, I feel much more confident. I'm happy to prance around naked, I love it. I feel like it's just me, without any clothes defining who I am or making me feel bad or uncomfortable.
I am, however, bigger than I really want to be, but it's ALL on my belly. I wear a size 18 top, 16 trousers, but most of my knickers are size 12-14. This is why I hate clothes - tops seem to cling to me and really bring out the worst part of me. I look at myself naked in the mirror and love it most of the time - when I stand head on I have a pretty rocking hourglass going on. It's awful if I turn sideways though. I look like I should be in a diagram for how you look when you're X weeks pregnant! It does bother me a bit, but I generally let it slide. I'm not one of those people who really has serious body issues.
The scales bother me though. At the moment I'm dancing around between 11 and 12 stone. It came as a bit of a shock to me when I first weighed myself recently. I always used to be just over 10 stone, but have had my implant since then which I knew had made me put on weight. Still, I was actually quite pleased with my weight, as I hadn't actually put on as much as I thought I had. I've been getting better with my diet recently - I just don't have the appetite lately which helps, and I'm restricting myself to one 500ml bottle of coke a day (probably still too much, but alot better than I was doing before) and been drinking loads of water. Despite this though, my weight has actually gone up since the last time I weighed myself and I'm now closer to 12 stone than 11. It's stuff like this that knocks my confidence, even though I know it should be about the way I feel about my look rather than the number on the scales.
There are other things I dislike about myself. The other night I was on webcam whilst lying on my bed in the same way I'd be lying during sex, and noticed I had a bit of a double chin going on. I'm sure in that kind of position most people would, but it's sort of in the back of my mind almost every time we have sex now, and while it's not too difficult to dismiss once we get down to it, it's not a nice thing to think about just before sex. I also dislike my bum. I console myself on that one since my OH seems to like it, and it's behind me so I don't really get to see it that often!
In a way I feel quite lucky because it all goes to my belly. It's horrible viewing myself side on, but my arms and legs are pretty good in my opinion, and I've got a cracking pair of breasts on me too! Might sound cocky, but I do feel that confidence isn't about only about ignoring your flaws - it is about recognising your good bits too! A good corset will bring my belly in and leave me feeling sexy as hell, not that I don't feel that way when I'm naked anyway.
I like my tits, I like my legs, even if they're a bit paler than I'd like for this time of year. My arms are okay I guess. My hands are nice, long slim fingers. I dislike feet in general but I think mine are pretty enough. I don't freak when my OH wants to do things to them with his mouth! My hair can be a bit long and impractical at times, but it's nice and thick and looks good when I've had it cut. I have nice eyes, and when I keep my eyebrows maintained, I think it really opens up my whole face. On the odd occasion when I've worn makeup for shows and stuff, I'm always told I look fantastic and not just by my OH, but I've never felt insecure enough that I feel that I need to wear it every day. My eyebrows are really dark and thick, and while it makes them difficult to maintain sometimes, when I go to the salon to get them waxed, I'm told that some people pay to have their eyebrows and eyelashes dyed to be like mine! I have nice eyelashes too - everyone's always commented that I'll never need to wear mascara. My nose is a good shape, and my lips are okay too I guess.
So many positive things I can see about myself, it really helps to concentrate on them. When I look at the list of things I don't like - my belly poking out, the shape of my bum and a double chin when I lie down - it puts it all into perspective really!
Saturday 24 July 2010
Friday 9 July 2010
The role of trust in polyamory
This post is for my sister, who requested I write something along these lines after a conversation we had after she read some of my previous posts. While I feel like I've covered polyamory enough already, she requested that I write this because there were some things we spoke about which she told me needed to be said to the world because "it makes it sound less evil".
So, trust. Trust is a big thing in relationships. After all, can you love someone you don't trust?
Trust is even more important in polyamorist relationships. I'm actually reasonably lucky so far in that while it's been agreed that it's okay, my boyfriend hasn't had any other girlfriends on the go in the year and a half we've been together. The idea of him having other girlfriends doesn't thrill me if I'm honest, but I'm not a jealous enough person where the idea is absolutely abhorrent to me. It's hard to say whether I would be jealous and if so, how much, if it actually happened, but right now I feel like any jealousy would be more that he'd be spending time with her that he could be spending with me, than the fact that someone else is getting a look in. We haven't spoken about it in a while, but I'm sure that my boyfriend's position on polyamory right now is more leaving himself open for any girls if they do happen to throw themselves at him, rather than actively seeking out someone else.
I do actually like the strange position of security this gives me in what I'm allowed to do. I wouldn't say I'm actively seeking a female bedroom buddy, but I'd very much like one. As well as this, I also like the idea that, however unlikely it feels to me, if I was to be out somewhere at a party or something and things got heated up with someone else of either gender, I could go ahead and do it without feeling guilty, nor would I have to restrict myself.
Polyamory, however, is not for those who have even the slightest of jealous inclinations, and I'm sure many people wouldn't even get to the agreement of it, let alone deal with the actual practice of it. My sister applauded me on the level of trust me and my boyfriend must have in each other to allow it to happen. And there is alot of trust, but this was where the conversation got interesting.
I've noticed that when people oppose polyamory, they often start throwing up "what if?" scenarios, but when you look at them, the issues involved really aren't that different from those in a monogamous relationship.
For example, one of the questions my sister asked was "Aren't you worried that he'll find someone else he'll love more than you and leave you?"
My boyfriend has a hierarchy thing going on that I detailed in a previous post, but basically I'm at the top and my boyfriend won't ever love anyone else more than me. He could be lying, of course, or he may have just not met that special someone who's even better than I am. Think of all the divorces that happen every day, despite how infatuated and loved up those couples were on their wedding days. Isn't polyamory just putting the relationship at risk by allowing your partner to be with other people? I have to trust that my boyfriend won't find someone else he loves more than me. I trust and believe him when he says he won't.
In my eyes, I'm not in a different situation to anyone else when I look at this issue. When my sister asked me this question, I just turned it right back on her and asked "Well, how do you know YOUR boyfriend isn't going to find someone else he loves more than you?" My sister is in a monogamous relationship, but no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you have to have that trust in your partner that they're not going to run off with someone else they love more than you. This is one of the reasons I don't think polyamory is for everyone - it's not that my sister doesn't have that trust in her boyfriend, but she's too paranoid that it could happen. I'm able to live in a polyamorist relationship because while I accept that it COULD happen, I don't believe it will. People might say I'm being naive and putting too much trust in my boyfriend, but I don't believe that the chances of my boyfriend finding someone else he loves more than me are higher than any other couple in a monogamous relationship. I believe that the chances of it happening are based on the compatibilty of the couple rather than the circumstances around their relationship - if we were monogamous, I dont think the chances would be any less. I feel we're so closely bonded that I can't imagine him finding that with someone else.
Practical issues also come into play, of which there are so many I could sit here all night listing them off. Things like "how do you know he hasn't got another girlfriend right now and just hasn't told you?" This seems to be a big fear, but again, is it any different to a monogamous relationship? I could ask a mono person the same question. How do YOU know that your partner doesn't have someone else on the side you don't know about? I actually feel more secure in my position here. My boyfriend has no reason to lie to me if he has someone else because we've both agreed it's okay, whereas for a mono person there's incentive to lie - the relationship would be over if the other person found out. In a monogamous relationship it would likely be seen as unforgiveable, whereas for me, if he did for some crazy reason conceal information from me, I'd just be pissed that he hadn't told me. It would diminish my trust in him, but it wouldn't make my world crumble around me.
Sex. Again, no different. "What if he had sex with someone else, caught an STD and passed it onto you?" Once again, I feel more secure in my poly position than mono. Imagine a monogamous person having an affair, they want sex but no condoms. Whether they're stupid enough to do it without or if one of them is lying, this person knows that if they get found out, they're in deep shit anyway so hell, let's go for it! In my situation, I like to think that my boyfriend would refuse sex without condoms at least until he's seen conclusive evidence that the other person is clean because he has MORE to lose than the monogamous person. If he makes sure he's doing it right, then hooray! He gets to have sex with two people! When monogamous person gets found out, regardless of whether protection was used, then at best they get sex with their affairee, if they're getting sex with anyone at all.
The idea of having sex with someone else appeals to me quite a bit, although I don't really think it will happen as I don't go to the right places or belong to the right social circles. What I do love is the idea that if my fantasies came true and the opportunity did arise, I wouldn't have to decline like mono person. I would throw myself into it and I wouldn't have to feel guilty afterwards. In fact I'd likely send my boyfriend an excited text immediately afterwards with all the details, and I'd expect something along the lines of "HIGH FIVE!" back.
I do feel that polyamory, if the initial trust is there at the beginning, will make you trust each other even more and will bring forth an unprecedented level of openness between you both. I'll never forget the text I got from my boyfriend when we'd not long been together. He was perving on other girls' breasts from above at college and he texted me to tell me that none of them matched up to mine. Can you imagine a man in a monogamous relationship daring to tell his girlfriend that? Nonetheless, it got a big "awww!" from me. This week, he was telling me about a really attractive girl he'd seen on the way to my place. Again, not something a mono man would dare tell his woman, but it was advantageous to me. I was taking mental notes as he described what it was about the way this girl was dressed and made up for future reference. Valuable information I wouldn't have gotten otherwise! I feel much more secure because he tells me what he does actually do, rather than me having to hope he's not doing anything. I feel I know him much better because of what he tells me he does, and I think mono women are naive to think that their men don't EVER glance at other women from time to time.
I started this post saying that trust was very important in polyamorist relationships, but coming out the other side, I almost want to take it back! I've actually started to feel that trust is more important in monogamous relationships, as unlike polyamory, there's actually a reason to hide what you do with other people, and you have to trust that your partner isn't lying to you. It's true that my boyfriend could be lying to me, but if you're monogamous then your partner has more reason to lie to you than mine does.
So, trust. Trust is a big thing in relationships. After all, can you love someone you don't trust?
Trust is even more important in polyamorist relationships. I'm actually reasonably lucky so far in that while it's been agreed that it's okay, my boyfriend hasn't had any other girlfriends on the go in the year and a half we've been together. The idea of him having other girlfriends doesn't thrill me if I'm honest, but I'm not a jealous enough person where the idea is absolutely abhorrent to me. It's hard to say whether I would be jealous and if so, how much, if it actually happened, but right now I feel like any jealousy would be more that he'd be spending time with her that he could be spending with me, than the fact that someone else is getting a look in. We haven't spoken about it in a while, but I'm sure that my boyfriend's position on polyamory right now is more leaving himself open for any girls if they do happen to throw themselves at him, rather than actively seeking out someone else.
I do actually like the strange position of security this gives me in what I'm allowed to do. I wouldn't say I'm actively seeking a female bedroom buddy, but I'd very much like one. As well as this, I also like the idea that, however unlikely it feels to me, if I was to be out somewhere at a party or something and things got heated up with someone else of either gender, I could go ahead and do it without feeling guilty, nor would I have to restrict myself.
Polyamory, however, is not for those who have even the slightest of jealous inclinations, and I'm sure many people wouldn't even get to the agreement of it, let alone deal with the actual practice of it. My sister applauded me on the level of trust me and my boyfriend must have in each other to allow it to happen. And there is alot of trust, but this was where the conversation got interesting.
I've noticed that when people oppose polyamory, they often start throwing up "what if?" scenarios, but when you look at them, the issues involved really aren't that different from those in a monogamous relationship.
For example, one of the questions my sister asked was "Aren't you worried that he'll find someone else he'll love more than you and leave you?"
My boyfriend has a hierarchy thing going on that I detailed in a previous post, but basically I'm at the top and my boyfriend won't ever love anyone else more than me. He could be lying, of course, or he may have just not met that special someone who's even better than I am. Think of all the divorces that happen every day, despite how infatuated and loved up those couples were on their wedding days. Isn't polyamory just putting the relationship at risk by allowing your partner to be with other people? I have to trust that my boyfriend won't find someone else he loves more than me. I trust and believe him when he says he won't.
In my eyes, I'm not in a different situation to anyone else when I look at this issue. When my sister asked me this question, I just turned it right back on her and asked "Well, how do you know YOUR boyfriend isn't going to find someone else he loves more than you?" My sister is in a monogamous relationship, but no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you have to have that trust in your partner that they're not going to run off with someone else they love more than you. This is one of the reasons I don't think polyamory is for everyone - it's not that my sister doesn't have that trust in her boyfriend, but she's too paranoid that it could happen. I'm able to live in a polyamorist relationship because while I accept that it COULD happen, I don't believe it will. People might say I'm being naive and putting too much trust in my boyfriend, but I don't believe that the chances of my boyfriend finding someone else he loves more than me are higher than any other couple in a monogamous relationship. I believe that the chances of it happening are based on the compatibilty of the couple rather than the circumstances around their relationship - if we were monogamous, I dont think the chances would be any less. I feel we're so closely bonded that I can't imagine him finding that with someone else.
Practical issues also come into play, of which there are so many I could sit here all night listing them off. Things like "how do you know he hasn't got another girlfriend right now and just hasn't told you?" This seems to be a big fear, but again, is it any different to a monogamous relationship? I could ask a mono person the same question. How do YOU know that your partner doesn't have someone else on the side you don't know about? I actually feel more secure in my position here. My boyfriend has no reason to lie to me if he has someone else because we've both agreed it's okay, whereas for a mono person there's incentive to lie - the relationship would be over if the other person found out. In a monogamous relationship it would likely be seen as unforgiveable, whereas for me, if he did for some crazy reason conceal information from me, I'd just be pissed that he hadn't told me. It would diminish my trust in him, but it wouldn't make my world crumble around me.
Sex. Again, no different. "What if he had sex with someone else, caught an STD and passed it onto you?" Once again, I feel more secure in my poly position than mono. Imagine a monogamous person having an affair, they want sex but no condoms. Whether they're stupid enough to do it without or if one of them is lying, this person knows that if they get found out, they're in deep shit anyway so hell, let's go for it! In my situation, I like to think that my boyfriend would refuse sex without condoms at least until he's seen conclusive evidence that the other person is clean because he has MORE to lose than the monogamous person. If he makes sure he's doing it right, then hooray! He gets to have sex with two people! When monogamous person gets found out, regardless of whether protection was used, then at best they get sex with their affairee, if they're getting sex with anyone at all.
The idea of having sex with someone else appeals to me quite a bit, although I don't really think it will happen as I don't go to the right places or belong to the right social circles. What I do love is the idea that if my fantasies came true and the opportunity did arise, I wouldn't have to decline like mono person. I would throw myself into it and I wouldn't have to feel guilty afterwards. In fact I'd likely send my boyfriend an excited text immediately afterwards with all the details, and I'd expect something along the lines of "HIGH FIVE!" back.
I do feel that polyamory, if the initial trust is there at the beginning, will make you trust each other even more and will bring forth an unprecedented level of openness between you both. I'll never forget the text I got from my boyfriend when we'd not long been together. He was perving on other girls' breasts from above at college and he texted me to tell me that none of them matched up to mine. Can you imagine a man in a monogamous relationship daring to tell his girlfriend that? Nonetheless, it got a big "awww!" from me. This week, he was telling me about a really attractive girl he'd seen on the way to my place. Again, not something a mono man would dare tell his woman, but it was advantageous to me. I was taking mental notes as he described what it was about the way this girl was dressed and made up for future reference. Valuable information I wouldn't have gotten otherwise! I feel much more secure because he tells me what he does actually do, rather than me having to hope he's not doing anything. I feel I know him much better because of what he tells me he does, and I think mono women are naive to think that their men don't EVER glance at other women from time to time.
I started this post saying that trust was very important in polyamorist relationships, but coming out the other side, I almost want to take it back! I've actually started to feel that trust is more important in monogamous relationships, as unlike polyamory, there's actually a reason to hide what you do with other people, and you have to trust that your partner isn't lying to you. It's true that my boyfriend could be lying to me, but if you're monogamous then your partner has more reason to lie to you than mine does.
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