Only in moderation. It's nothing something I like to do all the time, but every now and then it's quite nice. I've only ever done the basic handcuffs and blindfold though. It's quite torturous not being able to watch or touch my boyfriend when he's doing stuff to me, especially during sex. If I had a gag, it would be the ultimate torture :P
Thursday 29 April 2010
Your mention of pictures to come sounds promising. What a shame we haven't them to look at already. Okay, another question...do you like being restrained?
Your profile pic suggests a very attractive woman. Are there any 'more revealing' available?
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What would be your perfect date?
I'm not really the dating type. I managed to bag my boyfriend without really having to go on any dates as such. :P
I'm quite a shy person really, so I'd like a date where there's not too much pressure to talk or really show myself off. Perhaps a trip to the cinema, although then there might be awkwardness about whether to hug or kiss or whatever. I don't really like eating in front of other people and I'm picky about food so a restaurant is probably out. Maybe bowling would be a good idea. Of course, this is assuming it's a date with a new love and not my long term boyfriend.
If it's with my boyfriend, I'm not too fussed really. He never takes the initiative to go on any 'dates', they're always my idea so I dictate where we go! :P
I'm quite a shy person really, so I'd like a date where there's not too much pressure to talk or really show myself off. Perhaps a trip to the cinema, although then there might be awkwardness about whether to hug or kiss or whatever. I don't really like eating in front of other people and I'm picky about food so a restaurant is probably out. Maybe bowling would be a good idea. Of course, this is assuming it's a date with a new love and not my long term boyfriend.
If it's with my boyfriend, I'm not too fussed really. He never takes the initiative to go on any 'dates', they're always my idea so I dictate where we go! :P
Wednesday 28 April 2010
Gags
I meant to include this in my last post but I didn't so lucky you, you get a whole new post about it now!
Gags are in an area of bondage that I'm hesitant to go into. Part of me wants to, but I think my main concern is that I obviously can't speak while wearing one. This would render me incapable of saying anything if things got uncomfortable or something was wrong. I know there are ways around this, hand gestures, holding some kind of noise maker, but it still seems a little scary.
Breathing scares me a little too. I have an ongoing condition that can make breathing through my nose difficult at times. I really should go back to the doctor about it again, as the last lot of medication didn't solve the problem. That's another story though. I'd be worried that I couldn't breathe if I was wearing a gag.
If I was going to buy a gag, I'd probably go for something like this that would allow me to breathe , although I'm not convinced that it wouldn't make my jaw ache. This one doesn't look too bad but it's not breathable.
I'm not in any kind of rush to get a gag though. Even during bondage, I like to be able to kiss. It's torture for my mouth not to be able to do anything. I know, I know, bondage is supposed to about torture, but I'm a wuss. :P
Gags are in an area of bondage that I'm hesitant to go into. Part of me wants to, but I think my main concern is that I obviously can't speak while wearing one. This would render me incapable of saying anything if things got uncomfortable or something was wrong. I know there are ways around this, hand gestures, holding some kind of noise maker, but it still seems a little scary.
Breathing scares me a little too. I have an ongoing condition that can make breathing through my nose difficult at times. I really should go back to the doctor about it again, as the last lot of medication didn't solve the problem. That's another story though. I'd be worried that I couldn't breathe if I was wearing a gag.
If I was going to buy a gag, I'd probably go for something like this that would allow me to breathe , although I'm not convinced that it wouldn't make my jaw ache. This one doesn't look too bad but it's not breathable.
I'm not in any kind of rush to get a gag though. Even during bondage, I like to be able to kiss. It's torture for my mouth not to be able to do anything. I know, I know, bondage is supposed to about torture, but I'm a wuss. :P
Tuesday 27 April 2010
Bondage
I just realised, in all the excitement about toys, I forgot to talk about bondage!
Bondage is an area that I've been into for quite a while now, but I haven't really advanced very far in it. We still seem to be doing the same kind of stuff that we did when we started out. There tends to be a bit less intimacy with bondage, and it's not very often me and my boyfriend indulge with it.
Bondage was, for a good while, something that I had had a mild interest in since I began having sex, but like alot of the different kinds of toys I want to buy, it was in too much competition with the rest of my list. In these early-ish months of my relationship, I was still clinging on somewhat to sweetness and innocence. Rest assured, all sweetness and innocence is all gone now, but at the time bondage seemed a tad more scarier than it did exciting.
Everything changed when I won a LoveHoney competition and won some rope! Of course, once we had this, we had to try it out. I'm not such a fan of rope bondage, to be honest. There's too much complication with getting the knots right and inescapable, as well as making sure there's not any blood supply being cut off anywhere. I might like to indulge in some shibari some day, but I think in reality it's just going to be too complicated. One day, perhaps!
Not too long after this, LoveHoney had a sale on on blindfolds, and were selling some off for 40p each. This was once again another case of having something thrust upon me in a way. I decided to buy one of these since I could see myself wanting a blindfold some time in the future so I was going to put it away. Even if I never used it, I wasn't going to miss 40p. The blindfold ended up very much like the rope though - once we had it we had to try it and I quite liked it.
Once bondage was becoming a more regular thing, I decided it was time for me to get some proper restraints so we didn't have to worry about the complications with rope. I eventually settled on a pair of Bondage Boutique soft handcuffs in purple. I don't really like purple, but I hate pink with a passion and they were the only two options. Other than the colour, I really like these handcuffs. They work really well. Perhaps I'm in the wrong kink here, but I have a really low pain threshold and I don't like pain, so I didn't want anything metal or too stiff. These handcuffs are really quite comfortable as well as being inescapable. Part of me is tempted to buy another pair of handcuffs in the future in a more sexy, matching colour, but since I'm normally blindfolded and it's rare I'm the dom I don't really get to see them anyway! Plus a good portion of my toys are purple, so I suppose they match. I'd quite like a pair of leather cuffs some time though.
We started off clipping these cuffs to each other or rope tied to the bed, but it still had the problem that the rope would come loose, so I made a trip to B&Q to buy some chain! This will remain one of my treasured memories. I guess they don't get too many people in there buying such short lengths of chain. The old guy who was cutting it for me asked me what I wanted it for, and I didn't do a particularly good job of blagging it. I wish I had it in me to just tell him that I would be using it for bondage. The chain did the trick though. I also bought two keyring rings and attached them to the end, so it's basically like a slipknot. Put the chain around the bedposts and through the ring, clip the handcuffs on and I can't escape. I love being able to pull on the chains really hard and there being no hope.
Sometimes I fantasise during bondage. Usually along the lines of evil _________ has kidnapped me and taken me to ____________ where he intends to have his way with me. Sometimes they're more mundane fantasies, other times I go nuts with it. Sometimes I imagine I've been kidnapped by a demon and he's having sex with me to impregnate me with his demon spawn! Sounds wacky, but it's quite kinky at the same time.
Sex during bondage is torturous. Sex is a really intimate thing for me. I like to be able to have my hands all over my boyfriend and look up at him. I don't like not being able to do that. We usually have the chains long enough that I can at least have my hands in his hair though.
We have tried to spice up bondage a little bit more, but I think the problem with bondage is that it's something you have to be in the mood for. It's not like sex where I'm not always up for it to begin with but I go with it because I know once it gets going I'll love it. Call me a slut, but I don't think I've ever said no to sex.
One time I asked my boyfriend to be really dominating and rough with me. I loved it! Should get around to doing that again some time, although being mistreated like that is something I really have to be in the mood for. I don't see my boyfriend often enough and I miss him so much that when I do get to see him I want cuddles and intimacy rather than being treated rough, even if it is in the name of kinkiness!
I've been wanting to try out some different positions with bondage too. There was one we tried where I was on my front with my hands handcuffed behind my back, but it didn't work so well. Eventually he ended up taking me from behind, if I remember rightly, and I asked him to undo my handcuffs so I could get myself into a more comfortable position.
I want to try chair bondage some time, although this is difficult since I'd have to go fetch a chair from downstairs (which I can't really do when there are family home). The chair in my room is an office chair so I'd be too worried it would tip over with me attached to it (not sexy!). I'd love to try standing up bondage some time, and I'd really love to try one of those swings or whatever equipment it is you'd need to get my legs up in the air! Sadly, at the moment it's not something I want to try badly enough to fork out a fair amount of money for.
I have tried tying up my boyfriend on the odd occasion, but it feels weird! I'm very submissive, and on the occasions when I've tied up my boyfriend I sit there thinking "okay, now what?" Women are different. We have tits and clits and holes and all sorts to play with. I don't know what to do when I've got my boyfriend there in front of me! I have used it on occasion to try things out without the pressure of him knowing beforehand or watching, which has worked quite well. I've also done this when I've bought him toys and have used them on him without him seeing them. Sometimes when I've tied him up I want to jump on top and have sex with him, but it's far too scary. When we have sex, it's always him who feels around for the hole and feeds the penis in, never the other way around. I'm sure it can't be that difficult, but there's probably a subconscious fear that I'll mess up badly and completely miss and crush his cock! There's also the issue that even when I'm on top during normal sex, he's always in control. I don't think I really have it in me to control the things he can't do if he can't see or use his hands. These are probably all issues that I should get over.
Lately we've been getting into spanking, if you can really call it that. It's more like slapping each other's asses until one of us gives in. I've yet to win one of these confontations due to the aforementioned low pain threshold. It's good fun though.
Bondage is an area that I've been into for quite a while now, but I haven't really advanced very far in it. We still seem to be doing the same kind of stuff that we did when we started out. There tends to be a bit less intimacy with bondage, and it's not very often me and my boyfriend indulge with it.
Bondage was, for a good while, something that I had had a mild interest in since I began having sex, but like alot of the different kinds of toys I want to buy, it was in too much competition with the rest of my list. In these early-ish months of my relationship, I was still clinging on somewhat to sweetness and innocence. Rest assured, all sweetness and innocence is all gone now, but at the time bondage seemed a tad more scarier than it did exciting.
Everything changed when I won a LoveHoney competition and won some rope! Of course, once we had this, we had to try it out. I'm not such a fan of rope bondage, to be honest. There's too much complication with getting the knots right and inescapable, as well as making sure there's not any blood supply being cut off anywhere. I might like to indulge in some shibari some day, but I think in reality it's just going to be too complicated. One day, perhaps!
Not too long after this, LoveHoney had a sale on on blindfolds, and were selling some off for 40p each. This was once again another case of having something thrust upon me in a way. I decided to buy one of these since I could see myself wanting a blindfold some time in the future so I was going to put it away. Even if I never used it, I wasn't going to miss 40p. The blindfold ended up very much like the rope though - once we had it we had to try it and I quite liked it.
Once bondage was becoming a more regular thing, I decided it was time for me to get some proper restraints so we didn't have to worry about the complications with rope. I eventually settled on a pair of Bondage Boutique soft handcuffs in purple. I don't really like purple, but I hate pink with a passion and they were the only two options. Other than the colour, I really like these handcuffs. They work really well. Perhaps I'm in the wrong kink here, but I have a really low pain threshold and I don't like pain, so I didn't want anything metal or too stiff. These handcuffs are really quite comfortable as well as being inescapable. Part of me is tempted to buy another pair of handcuffs in the future in a more sexy, matching colour, but since I'm normally blindfolded and it's rare I'm the dom I don't really get to see them anyway! Plus a good portion of my toys are purple, so I suppose they match. I'd quite like a pair of leather cuffs some time though.
We started off clipping these cuffs to each other or rope tied to the bed, but it still had the problem that the rope would come loose, so I made a trip to B&Q to buy some chain! This will remain one of my treasured memories. I guess they don't get too many people in there buying such short lengths of chain. The old guy who was cutting it for me asked me what I wanted it for, and I didn't do a particularly good job of blagging it. I wish I had it in me to just tell him that I would be using it for bondage. The chain did the trick though. I also bought two keyring rings and attached them to the end, so it's basically like a slipknot. Put the chain around the bedposts and through the ring, clip the handcuffs on and I can't escape. I love being able to pull on the chains really hard and there being no hope.
Sometimes I fantasise during bondage. Usually along the lines of evil _________ has kidnapped me and taken me to ____________ where he intends to have his way with me. Sometimes they're more mundane fantasies, other times I go nuts with it. Sometimes I imagine I've been kidnapped by a demon and he's having sex with me to impregnate me with his demon spawn! Sounds wacky, but it's quite kinky at the same time.
Sex during bondage is torturous. Sex is a really intimate thing for me. I like to be able to have my hands all over my boyfriend and look up at him. I don't like not being able to do that. We usually have the chains long enough that I can at least have my hands in his hair though.
We have tried to spice up bondage a little bit more, but I think the problem with bondage is that it's something you have to be in the mood for. It's not like sex where I'm not always up for it to begin with but I go with it because I know once it gets going I'll love it. Call me a slut, but I don't think I've ever said no to sex.
One time I asked my boyfriend to be really dominating and rough with me. I loved it! Should get around to doing that again some time, although being mistreated like that is something I really have to be in the mood for. I don't see my boyfriend often enough and I miss him so much that when I do get to see him I want cuddles and intimacy rather than being treated rough, even if it is in the name of kinkiness!
I've been wanting to try out some different positions with bondage too. There was one we tried where I was on my front with my hands handcuffed behind my back, but it didn't work so well. Eventually he ended up taking me from behind, if I remember rightly, and I asked him to undo my handcuffs so I could get myself into a more comfortable position.
I want to try chair bondage some time, although this is difficult since I'd have to go fetch a chair from downstairs (which I can't really do when there are family home). The chair in my room is an office chair so I'd be too worried it would tip over with me attached to it (not sexy!). I'd love to try standing up bondage some time, and I'd really love to try one of those swings or whatever equipment it is you'd need to get my legs up in the air! Sadly, at the moment it's not something I want to try badly enough to fork out a fair amount of money for.
I have tried tying up my boyfriend on the odd occasion, but it feels weird! I'm very submissive, and on the occasions when I've tied up my boyfriend I sit there thinking "okay, now what?" Women are different. We have tits and clits and holes and all sorts to play with. I don't know what to do when I've got my boyfriend there in front of me! I have used it on occasion to try things out without the pressure of him knowing beforehand or watching, which has worked quite well. I've also done this when I've bought him toys and have used them on him without him seeing them. Sometimes when I've tied him up I want to jump on top and have sex with him, but it's far too scary. When we have sex, it's always him who feels around for the hole and feeds the penis in, never the other way around. I'm sure it can't be that difficult, but there's probably a subconscious fear that I'll mess up badly and completely miss and crush his cock! There's also the issue that even when I'm on top during normal sex, he's always in control. I don't think I really have it in me to control the things he can't do if he can't see or use his hands. These are probably all issues that I should get over.
Lately we've been getting into spanking, if you can really call it that. It's more like slapping each other's asses until one of us gives in. I've yet to win one of these confontations due to the aforementioned low pain threshold. It's good fun though.
Monday 26 April 2010
My favourite "boyfriend" toys
Once we got past buying my first few toys, I completely lost track of what toys I bought and when. So, I'm going to just talk about whichever toys spring to my mind as I think about it. Although all my toys are from the same website and I could easily go back and go through my order history, I'm too lazy for that! Being spontaneous is much more fun.
In this post I'm going to talk about my favourite "boyfriend" toys - the ones that I love having my boyfriend use on me.
I've already talked quite a bit about the Bang Bang Bunny, which is a toy I love when my boyfriend uses it on me. I don't have the patience for fiddly clit vibes, and I can't really see what I'm doing. I've never used a mirror to see because I find the sight of my own genitals a turn off (and yet, although only recently discovered, lesbian porn is the only porn I can watch without feeling a little grossed out). I sit in front of the mirror when I shave and think "God, is that really what it looks like down there? What does my boyfriend see in all this?" When I do clit stim on myself, I want a toy I can mash against my clit. I like to exert a fair amount of pressure on my clit, which I can't do with the Bang Bang Bunny. I do have a rabbit that is somewhat better for that, but that's another post since it's not a boyfriend toy. I do get off on movement on my clit alot though, and I've got high hopes for the Sqweel when I eventually get one.
Funnily enough, my two favourite boyfriend toys are two of the ones I didn't actually pay for! Well, for the most part at least.
< My favourite vibrator for my boyfriend to use on me is the Petite Couture Precious vibrator, which I originally got as a tester from LoveHoney. I won't go into the tiny details of it as you can read my review on the product page, but it's just magical. The silicone seems to be of much higher quality than the other toys I own, and the shape is perfect. I don't really indulge in G-spot play since I've never been able to find mine properly, even with proper G-spot toys, but when thrust in and out of me, this toy does something to me that the others don't. I eventually ended up breaking this toy and I was gutted. LoveHoney normally have a great returns policy but since I got this one free I was gutted and sad that I was going to have to buy another one, since it's quite expensive for a vibrator. I got in touch with customer services and they let me buy another one for half price though, so it was all good in the end.
My other favourite boyfriend toy was one I recieved as a gift. It is the LoveHoney Waver Glass Dildo. Again, my full opinion is in the review on the product page. I love the waviness and smoothness of this it feels wonderful. I had another glass dildo before this one which was textured but it ended up being too textured and uncomfortable. It was the first present my boyfriend ever bought me too, so I wish I could get more use out of it, but he bought it from my wishlist so it's my own fault really! Anyway, this glass dildo is really nice, although I suspect it's just the nature of glass dildos rather than this one being especially great (not that it isn't!). I'd love to try some more glass dildos some time, but since I can't really use dildos on my own they're not very high on my sexy shopping list. Any sex toy is very much appreciated as a gift though!
In this post I'm going to talk about my favourite "boyfriend" toys - the ones that I love having my boyfriend use on me.
I've already talked quite a bit about the Bang Bang Bunny, which is a toy I love when my boyfriend uses it on me. I don't have the patience for fiddly clit vibes, and I can't really see what I'm doing. I've never used a mirror to see because I find the sight of my own genitals a turn off (and yet, although only recently discovered, lesbian porn is the only porn I can watch without feeling a little grossed out). I sit in front of the mirror when I shave and think "God, is that really what it looks like down there? What does my boyfriend see in all this?" When I do clit stim on myself, I want a toy I can mash against my clit. I like to exert a fair amount of pressure on my clit, which I can't do with the Bang Bang Bunny. I do have a rabbit that is somewhat better for that, but that's another post since it's not a boyfriend toy. I do get off on movement on my clit alot though, and I've got high hopes for the Sqweel when I eventually get one.
Funnily enough, my two favourite boyfriend toys are two of the ones I didn't actually pay for! Well, for the most part at least.
< My favourite vibrator for my boyfriend to use on me is the Petite Couture Precious vibrator, which I originally got as a tester from LoveHoney. I won't go into the tiny details of it as you can read my review on the product page, but it's just magical. The silicone seems to be of much higher quality than the other toys I own, and the shape is perfect. I don't really indulge in G-spot play since I've never been able to find mine properly, even with proper G-spot toys, but when thrust in and out of me, this toy does something to me that the others don't. I eventually ended up breaking this toy and I was gutted. LoveHoney normally have a great returns policy but since I got this one free I was gutted and sad that I was going to have to buy another one, since it's quite expensive for a vibrator. I got in touch with customer services and they let me buy another one for half price though, so it was all good in the end.My other favourite boyfriend toy was one I recieved as a gift. It is the LoveHoney Waver Glass Dildo. Again, my full opinion is in the review on the product page. I love the waviness and smoothness of this it feels wonderful. I had another glass dildo before this one which was textured but it ended up being too textured and uncomfortable. It was the first present my boyfriend ever bought me too, so I wish I could get more use out of it, but he bought it from my wishlist so it's my own fault really! Anyway, this glass dildo is really nice, although I suspect it's just the nature of glass dildos rather than this one being especially great (not that it isn't!). I'd love to try some more glass dildos some time, but since I can't really use dildos on my own they're not very high on my sexy shopping list. Any sex toy is very much appreciated as a gift though!
Saturday 24 April 2010
Legs!
Some eye candy for y'all. I'm still finding it difficult to believe they're actually my own legs!
Self esteem +5 points.
Friday 23 April 2010
Being a woman
There are some things I love about being a woman, and other things I hate.
I hate these bloody hormones. I know they're not helped by my implant, but hormones play havoc with my moods. One minute I can be bouncy and happy then all of a sudden I'm in a deep depression. I'm usually pretty strong emotionally and like to think I'm in control of my emotions, but sometimes the tiniest little thing can happen and I'll be in a mood all day. Things that aren't even worth acknowledging sometimes, let alone getting that down about them. No matter what I do, the mood doesn't seem to shift, hence why I know it's hormones. The very same things that on another day I'd be able to easily shrug off gets me depressed.
I get really needy as a woman. There was once a time when I could be content by myself, but there are some days where I just crave intimacy, especially on days when I'm not doing anything else. I understand that my boyfriend can't be here for me all the time, and quite often I wake up on these days and think "Yeah, I can totally handle a day without him. I'm a strong independent woman!" By the afternoon, I start feeling down and missing my boyfriend. I really want him to be with me. I know there'd be something wrong if I didn't miss my boyfriend, but sometimes I hate how dependent it makes me feel.
I hate how different I am as a woman from men. I wish I could be like all the men I know. I want to be what you see is what you get. I want things not to bother me rather than just pretending they don't bother me.
I hate the pressure to look perfect all the time! Women aren't born with health and life threatening obsessions about their looks - it is the media that does this. Both sexes are conditioned into the belief that women need to look perfect all the time. I hate how I can post a picture of my legs and sexy shoes on an internet forum and be dead proud of myself and amazed at how sexy I am until someone else posts a picture of their own, thinner legs and makes me just go...oh. I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me nicely and make me look good because I'm not stick thin and the right shape. I'm aware that I don't have the perfect body and I'm not as thin as I'd like to be (or perhaps as thin as the media has conditioned me to want to be), but I get angry at shops like H&M who don't think I fit into their 'image' at my weight and make their sizes anorexic - I can't even squeeze into a size 16 in there, the biggest size they do. I hate how having a little bit of weight on my stomach makes me 'plus size'. I want to be able to put on the size that fits me and not have to buy a size or two bigger because my actual size makes me look and feel fat. I'm currently wearing size 12-14 knickers. The top I'm wearing is an 18. I hate being looked down upon if I say I don't wear makeup.
I hate bra shopping. Apparently once you get above a D cup, you want to keep your boobs strapped down rather than wearing a bra that'll show off your best assets (and I really do consider my breasts among my best assets. I bloody love them). I'm an F cup and I want a push up bra! Is that so much to ask for? I want to be able to walk into any shop that sells bras and be able to find my size! I don't want to have to find a specialist shop or a website that'll rip me off but I have to pay their prices because nowhere else does my size.
I hate that I feel unsexy if I don't shave my legs and underarms. Why is it acceptable for men but not for women? I hate how I have scars on my legs from shaving them. Trying to make myself feel beautiful has actually made me permanently less so!
I get confused when men say 'ladies first' or let me through a door before stepping through themselves. If my boyfriend did it I'd love it because he's doing it because he loves me and I'm personally special to him. When random men do it I get confused because up until that point I consider them as equals, but it becomes apparent that they consider me to be of a weaker sex or have some idea of chivalry that they need to make allowances for women. I don't like it when men don't swear because they're in front of women. You'd swear in front of other men, but not in front of women just because we're the opposite sex. I'm not weak-minded or offended by swearing.
I hate how I'm not naturally strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. My boyfriend can pin me down with ease, and he's not even a particularly physical person. I can't see him ever working out or doing anything to make himself stronger. He just has this natural ability to be strong and pin me down. I hate making excuses about not being able to lift things or do things because I'm a woman and I just can't do it.
I hate the small doubt in my mind sometimes that I feel slutty because I think about sex a lot. It's fine for men, but it makes me feel a bit of a slut sometimes.
There are things I do love about being a woman though.
I love these tits of mine. They hang in front of me and I sort of feel proud of them. They're big and round and they make me feel feminine. They make me feel beautiful. They're fun to play with and they are the area of my body I like the most.
I love my vulva (it's my first time ever using that word!) and all the different parts that make it up. I love my clitoris and I love my vagina. I love the variety of ways to stimulate them. I love all my sex toys and I love my ability to have multiple orgasms.
I love being able to look in the mirror even on my worst days and still feel like I'm beautiful inside.
I don't care if I annoy some feminists, I love that it is as simple as throwing on a corset and a pair of heels and feeling like a goddess. I jump up and down in front of the mirror and am in awe of myself at how sexy I look and feel, and I'm not even a vain person.
I love my curves! Screw what the media and society says, I enjoy having hips, breasts, a bum, and even my belly! Even if it is bigger than I'd would really like it to be, I love the contours of my body. I love how varied my body is.
I love being on the bottom during sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy being on the top as well, but I love that it's okay to be submissive. Despite the pressure to look good everyday, I love that my worth in bed isn't based on how big my cock is. There's not the pressure to perform.
Most of all, I love that I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even the bits that I personally hate about myself. That kind of love is invaluable and irreplaceable. No matter how low my self-esteem may go one day, the kind of love that I have that tells me I'm always wonderful is the most special thing in the world.
I hate these bloody hormones. I know they're not helped by my implant, but hormones play havoc with my moods. One minute I can be bouncy and happy then all of a sudden I'm in a deep depression. I'm usually pretty strong emotionally and like to think I'm in control of my emotions, but sometimes the tiniest little thing can happen and I'll be in a mood all day. Things that aren't even worth acknowledging sometimes, let alone getting that down about them. No matter what I do, the mood doesn't seem to shift, hence why I know it's hormones. The very same things that on another day I'd be able to easily shrug off gets me depressed.
I get really needy as a woman. There was once a time when I could be content by myself, but there are some days where I just crave intimacy, especially on days when I'm not doing anything else. I understand that my boyfriend can't be here for me all the time, and quite often I wake up on these days and think "Yeah, I can totally handle a day without him. I'm a strong independent woman!" By the afternoon, I start feeling down and missing my boyfriend. I really want him to be with me. I know there'd be something wrong if I didn't miss my boyfriend, but sometimes I hate how dependent it makes me feel.
I hate how different I am as a woman from men. I wish I could be like all the men I know. I want to be what you see is what you get. I want things not to bother me rather than just pretending they don't bother me.
I hate the pressure to look perfect all the time! Women aren't born with health and life threatening obsessions about their looks - it is the media that does this. Both sexes are conditioned into the belief that women need to look perfect all the time. I hate how I can post a picture of my legs and sexy shoes on an internet forum and be dead proud of myself and amazed at how sexy I am until someone else posts a picture of their own, thinner legs and makes me just go...oh. I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me nicely and make me look good because I'm not stick thin and the right shape. I'm aware that I don't have the perfect body and I'm not as thin as I'd like to be (or perhaps as thin as the media has conditioned me to want to be), but I get angry at shops like H&M who don't think I fit into their 'image' at my weight and make their sizes anorexic - I can't even squeeze into a size 16 in there, the biggest size they do. I hate how having a little bit of weight on my stomach makes me 'plus size'. I want to be able to put on the size that fits me and not have to buy a size or two bigger because my actual size makes me look and feel fat. I'm currently wearing size 12-14 knickers. The top I'm wearing is an 18. I hate being looked down upon if I say I don't wear makeup.
I hate bra shopping. Apparently once you get above a D cup, you want to keep your boobs strapped down rather than wearing a bra that'll show off your best assets (and I really do consider my breasts among my best assets. I bloody love them). I'm an F cup and I want a push up bra! Is that so much to ask for? I want to be able to walk into any shop that sells bras and be able to find my size! I don't want to have to find a specialist shop or a website that'll rip me off but I have to pay their prices because nowhere else does my size.
I hate that I feel unsexy if I don't shave my legs and underarms. Why is it acceptable for men but not for women? I hate how I have scars on my legs from shaving them. Trying to make myself feel beautiful has actually made me permanently less so!
I get confused when men say 'ladies first' or let me through a door before stepping through themselves. If my boyfriend did it I'd love it because he's doing it because he loves me and I'm personally special to him. When random men do it I get confused because up until that point I consider them as equals, but it becomes apparent that they consider me to be of a weaker sex or have some idea of chivalry that they need to make allowances for women. I don't like it when men don't swear because they're in front of women. You'd swear in front of other men, but not in front of women just because we're the opposite sex. I'm not weak-minded or offended by swearing.
I hate how I'm not naturally strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. My boyfriend can pin me down with ease, and he's not even a particularly physical person. I can't see him ever working out or doing anything to make himself stronger. He just has this natural ability to be strong and pin me down. I hate making excuses about not being able to lift things or do things because I'm a woman and I just can't do it.
I hate the small doubt in my mind sometimes that I feel slutty because I think about sex a lot. It's fine for men, but it makes me feel a bit of a slut sometimes.
There are things I do love about being a woman though.
I love these tits of mine. They hang in front of me and I sort of feel proud of them. They're big and round and they make me feel feminine. They make me feel beautiful. They're fun to play with and they are the area of my body I like the most.
I love my vulva (it's my first time ever using that word!) and all the different parts that make it up. I love my clitoris and I love my vagina. I love the variety of ways to stimulate them. I love all my sex toys and I love my ability to have multiple orgasms.
I love being able to look in the mirror even on my worst days and still feel like I'm beautiful inside.
I don't care if I annoy some feminists, I love that it is as simple as throwing on a corset and a pair of heels and feeling like a goddess. I jump up and down in front of the mirror and am in awe of myself at how sexy I look and feel, and I'm not even a vain person.
I love my curves! Screw what the media and society says, I enjoy having hips, breasts, a bum, and even my belly! Even if it is bigger than I'd would really like it to be, I love the contours of my body. I love how varied my body is.
I love being on the bottom during sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy being on the top as well, but I love that it's okay to be submissive. Despite the pressure to look good everyday, I love that my worth in bed isn't based on how big my cock is. There's not the pressure to perform.
Most of all, I love that I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even the bits that I personally hate about myself. That kind of love is invaluable and irreplaceable. No matter how low my self-esteem may go one day, the kind of love that I have that tells me I'm always wonderful is the most special thing in the world.
Thursday 22 April 2010
Masturbation and self-induced orgasms
There was once a time when I never masturbated. I tried it and it just did nothing for me. This was back in the day, long before I ever had a boyfriend or had ever been introduced to just how wonderful sex and its extended family could be. I'd fiddled around with my fingers on the odd occasion, in the bath or in bed at night, but it had very little effect so I just didn't bother. Furthermore I didn't feel any kind of urges that I needed to satisfy, so masturbation was something that happened maybe a few times a year.
Once I got with my boyfriend and we started getting sexy together, I suddenly had a sex drive. It was quite remarkable how I suddenly went from not wanting anything sexual to being a mad woman who wanted sex all the time. At this point, however, I had not yet discovered sex toys. Giving fingers another chance never occured to me, and I hadn't yet discovered sex toys so all of this sexual desire kept building and building up. Thankfully the situation with me and my boyfriend at the time was such that I was seeing him 3-4 days a week so I had an outlet to let all of this out on.
Time went on, things started getting in the way and circumstances meant we were seeing each other less. At the beginning of our relationship I hadn't really learnt to cope with missing him yet so I was feeling distraught when he had a string of coursework assignments that meant he couldn't see me that often. Sex was out of the window. I was missing it, but not as much as I was missing him.
Sex toys are wonderful things. Some people prefer not to use them or try to restrict their use since it stops them having 'natural' orgasms, but I've found that I've never been able to get anything that even feels pleasurable using my hands, let alone and orgasm. If I didn't have sex toys now, it's likely that I would still never masturbate, despite my reasonably high sex drive.
My sex drive is a bit here and there and highly affected by outside stimuli. I don't really have a masturbation routine or a set amount of time before I start feeling the need. Some weeks, I can get the toys out almost every day (there's been occasions where it's more than once a day), and other weeks where I might not masturbate at all.
When I masturbate can depend on a number of things:
To increase the pleasure I get from my orgasms, I've been trying to stop plain old, boring masturbation. I've really been trying to get myself in the mood, I've been fantasising. I've also lately been masturbating in front of my boyfriend and it's always magic, so I imagine him lying there next to me when I do it. He also stimulates my nipples while I'm doing it, so I've been trying to work that into my masturbation technique. I plan to invest in some nipple clamps soon to help me with that.
I've been considering getting some porn to watch when I masturbate too. Up until now I've sort of found it too graphic and offputting, but since embracing the power of fantasy, watching porn seems like it might be a good idea. I need to track down something which works well for me. I'm sure I won't like bog-standard porn - I need to do some research, watch a variety of different porn videos to get an idea of what I like. If anyone reading has any recommendations, send them my way!
The 'availability' of masturbation can also play havoc on my sex drive. A while ago, I believed that I had a cut inside me. I'm not sure whether it actually was or not, but it was making masturbation and sex painful. I decided that I was going to abstain from any sexual activity for a week. I only lasted six days, but they were agonising! Although there was nothing physically stopping me from masturbating, knowing that not masturbating was for my own good was inredibly difficult to cope with. My sex drive went through the roof! I'm sure I'd never be able to indulge in chastity play. It would drive me insane!
I do worry I masturbate too much sometimes. I don't masturbate often, but lately I've been finding it a bit more difficult to orgasm. I'm worried that this is because it has become a little too much instant gratification - it is generally the case that as soon as I'm even the slightest aroused, I disappear to my room and have a play. Perhaps I need to hold back until getting the toys out seems irresistable. However, when I took those six days away from my toys even when I was screaming for them, I didn't find that that the orgasm I had was particularly long or satisfying, so I'm not sure that this is the best option.
I do wonder if my body is becoming a little desensitised to vibrators as well - I used to truly love it when my boyfriend got the toys out on me. It's not that I don't love it now, but it used to be the case that he never failed to make me orgasm hard. Now all of the tried and tested surefire ways of making me orgasm don't seem to work any more, despite the fact that if anything it has gotten more erotic and mentally stimulating than it was before.
It's a learning experience I suppose! As I get better at stimulating my self and being stimulated, another challenge presents itself. I think I've been using toys for long enough now that they're no longer the magic orgasm gadgets they once were. It's not that they no longer work for me, but I think it's that my body now wants something different, and I have to figure out exactly what that is.
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This blog post was a response to a blog post by Mistress Cara, who has written many good blog posts that I'll eventually get around to writing my own personal response to. I normally prefer writing blogs to reading them, but hers is good. :)
Once I got with my boyfriend and we started getting sexy together, I suddenly had a sex drive. It was quite remarkable how I suddenly went from not wanting anything sexual to being a mad woman who wanted sex all the time. At this point, however, I had not yet discovered sex toys. Giving fingers another chance never occured to me, and I hadn't yet discovered sex toys so all of this sexual desire kept building and building up. Thankfully the situation with me and my boyfriend at the time was such that I was seeing him 3-4 days a week so I had an outlet to let all of this out on.
Time went on, things started getting in the way and circumstances meant we were seeing each other less. At the beginning of our relationship I hadn't really learnt to cope with missing him yet so I was feeling distraught when he had a string of coursework assignments that meant he couldn't see me that often. Sex was out of the window. I was missing it, but not as much as I was missing him.
Sex toys are wonderful things. Some people prefer not to use them or try to restrict their use since it stops them having 'natural' orgasms, but I've found that I've never been able to get anything that even feels pleasurable using my hands, let alone and orgasm. If I didn't have sex toys now, it's likely that I would still never masturbate, despite my reasonably high sex drive.
My sex drive is a bit here and there and highly affected by outside stimuli. I don't really have a masturbation routine or a set amount of time before I start feeling the need. Some weeks, I can get the toys out almost every day (there's been occasions where it's more than once a day), and other weeks where I might not masturbate at all.
When I masturbate can depend on a number of things:
- Boredom! Sadly, this can be a big contributor to how often I masturbate. Sometimes I don't have anything to do and I think "okay, let's get the toys out"! Masturbation passes the time. Masturbation out of boredom often doesn't result in very intense or satisfying orgasm.
- Being in the mood - Sometimes things arouse me, most usually when I'm browsing the internet and I decide to get the toys out. It does suck a little bit what I have to do to do this though - locking my room, covering the gap so nobody will peek in, then getting my toys and lube out (which may not necessarily be in the same locked box out), getting my laptop rolling to play some background music to drown out the noise, getting undressed and so on and so forth. It takes at least five minutes, by which point the mood I was in is probably halfway lost. Most often, I get randomly aroused during the day and decide that I really need to masturbate when I get home, but when I get home I'm not in the mood.
- Need - it is incredibly rare that I masturbate out of need! Although I do have a sex drive, it doesn't seem to be strong enough that I need to masturbate on a regular basis. Sex with my boyfriend one or two days a week is usually enough to keep me going until the next time.
To increase the pleasure I get from my orgasms, I've been trying to stop plain old, boring masturbation. I've really been trying to get myself in the mood, I've been fantasising. I've also lately been masturbating in front of my boyfriend and it's always magic, so I imagine him lying there next to me when I do it. He also stimulates my nipples while I'm doing it, so I've been trying to work that into my masturbation technique. I plan to invest in some nipple clamps soon to help me with that.
I've been considering getting some porn to watch when I masturbate too. Up until now I've sort of found it too graphic and offputting, but since embracing the power of fantasy, watching porn seems like it might be a good idea. I need to track down something which works well for me. I'm sure I won't like bog-standard porn - I need to do some research, watch a variety of different porn videos to get an idea of what I like. If anyone reading has any recommendations, send them my way!
The 'availability' of masturbation can also play havoc on my sex drive. A while ago, I believed that I had a cut inside me. I'm not sure whether it actually was or not, but it was making masturbation and sex painful. I decided that I was going to abstain from any sexual activity for a week. I only lasted six days, but they were agonising! Although there was nothing physically stopping me from masturbating, knowing that not masturbating was for my own good was inredibly difficult to cope with. My sex drive went through the roof! I'm sure I'd never be able to indulge in chastity play. It would drive me insane!
I do worry I masturbate too much sometimes. I don't masturbate often, but lately I've been finding it a bit more difficult to orgasm. I'm worried that this is because it has become a little too much instant gratification - it is generally the case that as soon as I'm even the slightest aroused, I disappear to my room and have a play. Perhaps I need to hold back until getting the toys out seems irresistable. However, when I took those six days away from my toys even when I was screaming for them, I didn't find that that the orgasm I had was particularly long or satisfying, so I'm not sure that this is the best option.
I do wonder if my body is becoming a little desensitised to vibrators as well - I used to truly love it when my boyfriend got the toys out on me. It's not that I don't love it now, but it used to be the case that he never failed to make me orgasm hard. Now all of the tried and tested surefire ways of making me orgasm don't seem to work any more, despite the fact that if anything it has gotten more erotic and mentally stimulating than it was before.
It's a learning experience I suppose! As I get better at stimulating my self and being stimulated, another challenge presents itself. I think I've been using toys for long enough now that they're no longer the magic orgasm gadgets they once were. It's not that they no longer work for me, but I think it's that my body now wants something different, and I have to figure out exactly what that is.
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This blog post was a response to a blog post by Mistress Cara, who has written many good blog posts that I'll eventually get around to writing my own personal response to. I normally prefer writing blogs to reading them, but hers is good. :)
Monday 19 April 2010
what's your favourite sexual act to i. perform and ii. done to you?
My favourite act to have done to me is oral, especially when I'm on top of my boyfriend in the 69 position. I've answered that one first because it's the easiest to answer. I love oral. I love the warmth and wetness of it all.
My favourite sex act to perform is more difficult. I like doing oral because I like the taste and feel but it really takes no time at all for my jaw to start hurting, as well as the fact that my bedroom doesn't make it particularly comfortable for giver or reciever. I quite like doing hand jobs because I can watch my boyfriend's reaction.
I do really love using my toys in front of my boyfriend. It all seems heightened when he's watching, and I love the look on his face when I'm doing it. I suppose that would be something I both like to perform and have done to me!
Being tickled
When it's time for my boyfriend to go home, or if I'm feeling stubborn, I get in my boyfriend's way so he can't go anywhere. Then he tickles me and it makes me scream and I have to move. I don't like being tickled but I like it when he does it to me because it feels like a really couple-y thing to do and it makes us both laugh. Laughing feels good.
He's pinned me down and tickled me before, even when I wasn't in his way. He is so much stronger than I am.
If we ever broke up, I'd miss being tickled.
He's pinned me down and tickled me before, even when I wasn't in his way. He is so much stronger than I am.
If we ever broke up, I'd miss being tickled.
Friday 16 April 2010
Bisexuality
There's been a lot of talk on the LoveHoney forums lately about bisexuality, so I think that the time has come for me to step away from the ongoing story of my blog for a moment and write a bit about my sexuality. Gonna be a long one! You might wanna grab a tea or coffee before we start :P
I'm currently identifying myself as bicurious. It's something that I've only realised about myself recently, but now that I've seen it and recognised it there's a lot of things throughout my life that seem to make a hell of a lot more sense. In a way it's quite liberating, but in another way it's infuriating since I don't have another woman that I can explore myself with and be able to confirm to myself that I really am bisexual. Until I can have an experience with woman and come out of it saying I enjoyed it, I will call myself bicurious.
Being bicurious to me does not mean that I will happily get fully involved with either gender. It's much more complicated than that. The short version is this: I like men for relationships, and women for sex.
The long version:
Throughout my life I've usually found it easier to get along with guys than girls. I'm not sure why that is, but the personality chemistry seems to flow more freely and I'm usually able to form more deeper friendships than with girls. I can get along with girls, but it feels more of an effort and it's been a rare occasion when I can say I've had a close female friend.
Girls seem so complicated, there's no way I'd want a relationship with one. I look at myself and there's no way I'd be able to handle a relationship with someone like that, and most girls I've seen are much worse than me. Us girls have issues! I think I need a "what you see is what you get" man to balance me out, all girls do.
Physically though, I find girls incredibly attractive. It's only since I've recognised my bicuriousness that I've been able to really embrace it and explore it, but I find the right kind of woman not only physically attractive, but sexually attractive. I am quite picky about the women I find attractive though, it's not just any. I love a woman whose personality reflects through her looks, as long as it's the right kind of personality.
Men are a different story. No matter how many pictures you show me of men, I am just incapable of finding any of them attractive. I just can't do it, and not only because I'm already in a relationship with a man I love very much. Some erotic pictures of men I've seen even go beyond "This isn't doing anything for me", I actually find them a turn off. Not because they're ugly or anything, but simply because they're men. When I first saw my boyfriend as a potential partner, I didn't find him physically attractive at all. I find it a little bit embarrassing to admit that, but it's one of those things that makes sense to me now in hindsight. Not to say he's not good looking, and I think he's gorgeous now, but I'm unable to find a man attractive that I don't have requitable romantic feelings for. When I think about all the reasons I find my boyfriend attractive now, it's all linked to my feelings for him. I find him attractive because it's him, and not because he's a male and I find males attractive. I've never had another relationship with a man, but I feel very much that that would still be the case with someone else.
Men are much more the full package for me. As previously mentioned, it's much easier for me to form bonds with males than females. When I think back to my old school friends throughout the years, the girls tended to be people to hang around and do stuff with, whereas guys were more for conversations and really getting to know each other. Perhaps a woman will come along one day and be an exception for me, but I form deeper friendships with men and that's the basis I need to start a relationship. I don't believe in love at first sight at all - I truly believe that you have to know someone to love them. Anything at first sight is lust. I could write a whole post on that by itself though, maybe I will some time. Back to the topic, I find most girls' personalities quite disappointing, and I've never had a female friend where I can honestly think if I had that kind of relationship with a guy it would turn into something romantic. Thinking back through every girl I've been friends with, there is at most one that there would be the tiniest glimmer of hope if I got to know them better and sadly she's straight. Hope extinguished.
So, I find women sexually attractive but the personalities can actually turn me off, while men's looks turn me off but they can win be over with a decent personality.
How I came to realise my bicuriousness is quite a long story made up of many random components that all built up to one conclusion, and not all of them were obvious at the time. As I'm writing this, I will probably be shocked at how many of them there are and wonder why I didn't realise I was bicurious sooner.
There are some recent events that were the ones that made me realise, but I think I've always been that way. Hanging around the LoveHoney forums and talking to my boyfriend, the topic of threesomes came up a bit. It was and still is nothing more than a fantasy, but as the topic swirled around in my head, the idea of having another woman in bed with me seemed quite delicious. Threesomes is a topic that was actually quite old with me, but I'd never considered being pleasured by a woman because I'd always assumed a MFF threesome would involve the two girls pleasuring the man. It wasn't until I think it was my boyfriend pointed out that it could be a man and a woman pleasuring another woman that I thought about it and realised that the idea of being pleasured by a woman didn't seem totally bad.
Not too long later, I had a dream. I was in the woods doing unrelated things and then the next thing I knew I was in a room with another girl. She was 18, bleached blonde, a good deal shorter than me even though she was wearing high heels and a matching tight blue dress. She pinned me against a wall and kissed me. I told myself I'd kiss her three times, then it turned into four, but once I decided five it turned into a full make-out session. In the dream I was incredibly turned on, my whole nether regions were throbbing hard (I know you erotica connoisseurs hate the word "throbbing", but sorry, that's what my bits do when I get turned on) and I thought to myself "Maybe this girl can be my girlfriend". I wasn't at all disgusted when I woke up. I felt it was one of the best dreams I've ever had. I told a few people about it and they all thought that her being shorter than me was a sign that I didn't want someone who was too physically intimidating for me, although her kissing me like that was a sign I wanted a woman who'd still be the dom like my boyfriend is, which I'd say is an accurate representation of what I think I want.
A little bit after that, I heard mention of Filament magazine, which is basically a porn magazine featuring erotic photographs of men. I ended up buying a copy because it all sounded very interesting, but just looking at the sample pages on the website, it suddenly smacked me that I was at least a little bisexual. There is some brilliant photography in there that I really admire, but I looked at it and somehow knew that I'd get much more sexually out of looking at photographs of naked women. It was then that I had the revelation.
So many pieces seemed to click into place. Over the years I've had many naked pictures thrown at me in different places, and with a male one I always wanted to avert my eyes immediately, but women I can comfortably look at and admire her body, even if its not in a sexual way. I found it more attractive to look at.
When walking around school and places like that, I'd always been drawn to look if a girl was walking up the stairs in front of me, bum in front of my face. At the time it was highly embarrassing and annoying as I had no idea why my brain was making me do it, but it went on for years. I never looked at men's asses on the stairs. I've never admitted this before but it makes sense now.
Since being on the LoveHoney forums, I'd been shown a website called Sex Is Not The Enemy, which has some great photography of people of all sexualities and combinations. I've always been unable to watch porn (I'm considering it now, but that's another blog post), but looking through these photos, I saw a pattern in hindsight. I find pictures of women pleasuring women much easier to look at than men pleasuring women. When I look at M-F pictures, I focus much more on the woman's pleasure than the man who's doing it to her. There is the anomaly that I find M-M pictures quite erotic at times, and I'm not sure what that's about. Would be interested to hear if anyone has any theories on that.
Since knowing I'm bicurious, there's been a few things that have confirmed it for me.
The first was when a Twitter buddy posted this picture. You can click on it to see a bigger version. Okay, this girl isn't quite my type. Probably a little too much eye makeup for my taste, I'm not really a fan of tattoos or piercings and she reminds me too much of Lily Allen but it was the first photo I had EVER looked at and found truly erotic. Throbbing was happening, and it was a picture of a woman. I still get turned on looking at it now.
I've experimented, fantasising about women when I play with my toys to see what it's like, and it works just as well if not better as when I fantasise about my boyfriend. This not only proves that I can enjoy women in a sexual context, but my inabilty to have any erotic fantasies about men other than my boyfriend also proves the point.
I've spent time at work looking at passers by, focussing on couples. Every time a couple passed I asked myself if I would rather have sex with the man or the woman, and 99% of the time I say the woman.
However, it's not all women that I find attractive. I've been trying to find a pattern, and it does seem that I have a type. The right kind of glasses help. Blonde hair can be a bit of a turn off for me. Makeup yes, but very subtle. There was a new girl at work who on the first day I found sexually attractive, and she fit the description perfectly. However, as I've got to know her, I've gone completely off her and don't find her attractive at all. Her personality sucks, and that was enough to stop me finding her attractive.
I had to clean the staff rooms at work last week, and one of them had an FHM calendar hung up. Typical busty blondes. I flicked through the months and thought "Come on guys, really?". I just couldn't find anything that worked for me in that calendar. It was incredibly superficial and so stereotypical. Along with the photo I talked about previously I realised that I liked women who showed personality through their looks.
Interestingly enough, the picture for April was one of Pixie Lott. She was just about decent but heavily made up and it did nothing at all for me. However, as I googled a picture of her to link to in this post, I've seen her without all the shocking makeup and actually find her quite attractive. The blonde hair doesn't work for me, but in her other pictures she shows personality and I think "Sure, I'd let her do me!" I'm not into music so I may be wrong, but she looks a bit too sub for me. Other than that and the blonde hair, she looks good! If she had darker hair, I could be turned on by this picture.
There's also all of the lovely ladies I know from the forums. We all like to play around and flirt with each other and it's all good fun, but I saw that I'm not of the personality where I could really talk to another woman about doing sexual things with her if there wasn't a little bit of that inclination in me.
I'm sure there were other things as well, but there are just so many. Might have to come back again later if I remember loads more.
So, now I know I'm bicurious, where does that leave me?
I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who is completely open-minded. I've spoken to other bisexual women who have said their men have felt various degrees of threat at the revelation and some won't let their women do things with other women. It made me appreciative of my own boyfriend and I saw that sometimes I take for granted the level of acceptance and freedom I have.
My boyfriend is not at all threatened by the fact that I want sex with a woman. He completely loves it. So much so that he's been appending "bisexual" before my name whenever he says it. I explained to him that until I've had sex with a woman and liked it I'm only bicurious, but he told me it was too late to change the saying now. I don't mind as long as he changes it to straight or drops it if I change my mind about it all.
I started off as fantasising about a threesome, but I now I'm sure I want something one-on-one (at least to begin with). Having my boyfriend present would seem too much pressure on me and I wouldn't be able to properly explore.
My boyfriend is polyamorist (something else that I'll be posting about later). For those of you who don't know, it's the belief and practice of having more than one partner. It has to be agreed with all people involved, which means it's not cheating. I don't really agree with it as such. I go with it because I knew he was before we got together and althought he's said he would stop for me, he feels quite strongly about it. I can't promise I wouldn't get jealous if he actually did get another woman, but so far hoping it never happens has been working for me. However, the benefit of him being polyamorist is that he's not hypocritical and has extended those same priveleges to me, telling me that he's happy for me to do whatever I want with whoever I want. I can't ever see myself with another man, but for the purposes of my bisexuality it works out fantastically as I can have another woman without having to worry about jealousy, insecurity or any nasty stuff like that.
Everything in my relationship with my boyfriend is perfectly set up for me to get the female fuck buddy/friend with benefits that I want. Everything except the presence of a woman in my life who would be suitable. I've always thought that when the time is right for you to have a partner then the right person will appear, but it's infurating really wanting a woman and there not being one for me right now.
Truth be told, I can't really see how I'm ever going to find a woman. There are no women in my life right now who are lesbian or bisexual, or at least none who are open about it. I don't go out and socialise much so it's unlikely I'm ever going to meet one, and even then she'd have to be right. I'm not going to jump into bed with just any woman. I also wouldn't want to resort to using a website to find a woman, although using the internet to get to know a woman I already knew in real life wouldn't be a completely bad option.
It all seems so impossible though. I had a crippling fear of rejection when I wanted to ask my boyfriend out, and I was 99.99% sure he liked me in that way. Not only with a woman would I have to make sure she liked me, I'd have to establish that she was actually lesbian or bisexual and set out the rules that I don't want a proper relationship with her. So complicated.
I find this situation quite infurating at times as since being with my boyfriend, it is the first sexual experience I have ever desired that is not easily attainable for me. Until I've had a sexual experience with a woman and really enjoyed it, I don't feel that I can properly know where my sexuality stands.
All I can really do is hope for the best, I suppose!
I'm currently identifying myself as bicurious. It's something that I've only realised about myself recently, but now that I've seen it and recognised it there's a lot of things throughout my life that seem to make a hell of a lot more sense. In a way it's quite liberating, but in another way it's infuriating since I don't have another woman that I can explore myself with and be able to confirm to myself that I really am bisexual. Until I can have an experience with woman and come out of it saying I enjoyed it, I will call myself bicurious.
Being bicurious to me does not mean that I will happily get fully involved with either gender. It's much more complicated than that. The short version is this: I like men for relationships, and women for sex.
The long version:
Throughout my life I've usually found it easier to get along with guys than girls. I'm not sure why that is, but the personality chemistry seems to flow more freely and I'm usually able to form more deeper friendships than with girls. I can get along with girls, but it feels more of an effort and it's been a rare occasion when I can say I've had a close female friend.
Girls seem so complicated, there's no way I'd want a relationship with one. I look at myself and there's no way I'd be able to handle a relationship with someone like that, and most girls I've seen are much worse than me. Us girls have issues! I think I need a "what you see is what you get" man to balance me out, all girls do.
Physically though, I find girls incredibly attractive. It's only since I've recognised my bicuriousness that I've been able to really embrace it and explore it, but I find the right kind of woman not only physically attractive, but sexually attractive. I am quite picky about the women I find attractive though, it's not just any. I love a woman whose personality reflects through her looks, as long as it's the right kind of personality.
Men are a different story. No matter how many pictures you show me of men, I am just incapable of finding any of them attractive. I just can't do it, and not only because I'm already in a relationship with a man I love very much. Some erotic pictures of men I've seen even go beyond "This isn't doing anything for me", I actually find them a turn off. Not because they're ugly or anything, but simply because they're men. When I first saw my boyfriend as a potential partner, I didn't find him physically attractive at all. I find it a little bit embarrassing to admit that, but it's one of those things that makes sense to me now in hindsight. Not to say he's not good looking, and I think he's gorgeous now, but I'm unable to find a man attractive that I don't have requitable romantic feelings for. When I think about all the reasons I find my boyfriend attractive now, it's all linked to my feelings for him. I find him attractive because it's him, and not because he's a male and I find males attractive. I've never had another relationship with a man, but I feel very much that that would still be the case with someone else.
Men are much more the full package for me. As previously mentioned, it's much easier for me to form bonds with males than females. When I think back to my old school friends throughout the years, the girls tended to be people to hang around and do stuff with, whereas guys were more for conversations and really getting to know each other. Perhaps a woman will come along one day and be an exception for me, but I form deeper friendships with men and that's the basis I need to start a relationship. I don't believe in love at first sight at all - I truly believe that you have to know someone to love them. Anything at first sight is lust. I could write a whole post on that by itself though, maybe I will some time. Back to the topic, I find most girls' personalities quite disappointing, and I've never had a female friend where I can honestly think if I had that kind of relationship with a guy it would turn into something romantic. Thinking back through every girl I've been friends with, there is at most one that there would be the tiniest glimmer of hope if I got to know them better and sadly she's straight. Hope extinguished.
So, I find women sexually attractive but the personalities can actually turn me off, while men's looks turn me off but they can win be over with a decent personality.
How I came to realise my bicuriousness is quite a long story made up of many random components that all built up to one conclusion, and not all of them were obvious at the time. As I'm writing this, I will probably be shocked at how many of them there are and wonder why I didn't realise I was bicurious sooner.
There are some recent events that were the ones that made me realise, but I think I've always been that way. Hanging around the LoveHoney forums and talking to my boyfriend, the topic of threesomes came up a bit. It was and still is nothing more than a fantasy, but as the topic swirled around in my head, the idea of having another woman in bed with me seemed quite delicious. Threesomes is a topic that was actually quite old with me, but I'd never considered being pleasured by a woman because I'd always assumed a MFF threesome would involve the two girls pleasuring the man. It wasn't until I think it was my boyfriend pointed out that it could be a man and a woman pleasuring another woman that I thought about it and realised that the idea of being pleasured by a woman didn't seem totally bad.
Not too long later, I had a dream. I was in the woods doing unrelated things and then the next thing I knew I was in a room with another girl. She was 18, bleached blonde, a good deal shorter than me even though she was wearing high heels and a matching tight blue dress. She pinned me against a wall and kissed me. I told myself I'd kiss her three times, then it turned into four, but once I decided five it turned into a full make-out session. In the dream I was incredibly turned on, my whole nether regions were throbbing hard (I know you erotica connoisseurs hate the word "throbbing", but sorry, that's what my bits do when I get turned on) and I thought to myself "Maybe this girl can be my girlfriend". I wasn't at all disgusted when I woke up. I felt it was one of the best dreams I've ever had. I told a few people about it and they all thought that her being shorter than me was a sign that I didn't want someone who was too physically intimidating for me, although her kissing me like that was a sign I wanted a woman who'd still be the dom like my boyfriend is, which I'd say is an accurate representation of what I think I want.
A little bit after that, I heard mention of Filament magazine, which is basically a porn magazine featuring erotic photographs of men. I ended up buying a copy because it all sounded very interesting, but just looking at the sample pages on the website, it suddenly smacked me that I was at least a little bisexual. There is some brilliant photography in there that I really admire, but I looked at it and somehow knew that I'd get much more sexually out of looking at photographs of naked women. It was then that I had the revelation.
So many pieces seemed to click into place. Over the years I've had many naked pictures thrown at me in different places, and with a male one I always wanted to avert my eyes immediately, but women I can comfortably look at and admire her body, even if its not in a sexual way. I found it more attractive to look at.
When walking around school and places like that, I'd always been drawn to look if a girl was walking up the stairs in front of me, bum in front of my face. At the time it was highly embarrassing and annoying as I had no idea why my brain was making me do it, but it went on for years. I never looked at men's asses on the stairs. I've never admitted this before but it makes sense now.
Since being on the LoveHoney forums, I'd been shown a website called Sex Is Not The Enemy, which has some great photography of people of all sexualities and combinations. I've always been unable to watch porn (I'm considering it now, but that's another blog post), but looking through these photos, I saw a pattern in hindsight. I find pictures of women pleasuring women much easier to look at than men pleasuring women. When I look at M-F pictures, I focus much more on the woman's pleasure than the man who's doing it to her. There is the anomaly that I find M-M pictures quite erotic at times, and I'm not sure what that's about. Would be interested to hear if anyone has any theories on that.
Since knowing I'm bicurious, there's been a few things that have confirmed it for me.
The first was when a Twitter buddy posted this picture. You can click on it to see a bigger version. Okay, this girl isn't quite my type. Probably a little too much eye makeup for my taste, I'm not really a fan of tattoos or piercings and she reminds me too much of Lily Allen but it was the first photo I had EVER looked at and found truly erotic. Throbbing was happening, and it was a picture of a woman. I still get turned on looking at it now.
I've experimented, fantasising about women when I play with my toys to see what it's like, and it works just as well if not better as when I fantasise about my boyfriend. This not only proves that I can enjoy women in a sexual context, but my inabilty to have any erotic fantasies about men other than my boyfriend also proves the point.
I've spent time at work looking at passers by, focussing on couples. Every time a couple passed I asked myself if I would rather have sex with the man or the woman, and 99% of the time I say the woman.
However, it's not all women that I find attractive. I've been trying to find a pattern, and it does seem that I have a type. The right kind of glasses help. Blonde hair can be a bit of a turn off for me. Makeup yes, but very subtle. There was a new girl at work who on the first day I found sexually attractive, and she fit the description perfectly. However, as I've got to know her, I've gone completely off her and don't find her attractive at all. Her personality sucks, and that was enough to stop me finding her attractive.
I had to clean the staff rooms at work last week, and one of them had an FHM calendar hung up. Typical busty blondes. I flicked through the months and thought "Come on guys, really?". I just couldn't find anything that worked for me in that calendar. It was incredibly superficial and so stereotypical. Along with the photo I talked about previously I realised that I liked women who showed personality through their looks.
Interestingly enough, the picture for April was one of Pixie Lott. She was just about decent but heavily made up and it did nothing at all for me. However, as I googled a picture of her to link to in this post, I've seen her without all the shocking makeup and actually find her quite attractive. The blonde hair doesn't work for me, but in her other pictures she shows personality and I think "Sure, I'd let her do me!" I'm not into music so I may be wrong, but she looks a bit too sub for me. Other than that and the blonde hair, she looks good! If she had darker hair, I could be turned on by this picture.
There's also all of the lovely ladies I know from the forums. We all like to play around and flirt with each other and it's all good fun, but I saw that I'm not of the personality where I could really talk to another woman about doing sexual things with her if there wasn't a little bit of that inclination in me.
I'm sure there were other things as well, but there are just so many. Might have to come back again later if I remember loads more.
So, now I know I'm bicurious, where does that leave me?
I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who is completely open-minded. I've spoken to other bisexual women who have said their men have felt various degrees of threat at the revelation and some won't let their women do things with other women. It made me appreciative of my own boyfriend and I saw that sometimes I take for granted the level of acceptance and freedom I have.
My boyfriend is not at all threatened by the fact that I want sex with a woman. He completely loves it. So much so that he's been appending "bisexual" before my name whenever he says it. I explained to him that until I've had sex with a woman and liked it I'm only bicurious, but he told me it was too late to change the saying now. I don't mind as long as he changes it to straight or drops it if I change my mind about it all.
I started off as fantasising about a threesome, but I now I'm sure I want something one-on-one (at least to begin with). Having my boyfriend present would seem too much pressure on me and I wouldn't be able to properly explore.
My boyfriend is polyamorist (something else that I'll be posting about later). For those of you who don't know, it's the belief and practice of having more than one partner. It has to be agreed with all people involved, which means it's not cheating. I don't really agree with it as such. I go with it because I knew he was before we got together and althought he's said he would stop for me, he feels quite strongly about it. I can't promise I wouldn't get jealous if he actually did get another woman, but so far hoping it never happens has been working for me. However, the benefit of him being polyamorist is that he's not hypocritical and has extended those same priveleges to me, telling me that he's happy for me to do whatever I want with whoever I want. I can't ever see myself with another man, but for the purposes of my bisexuality it works out fantastically as I can have another woman without having to worry about jealousy, insecurity or any nasty stuff like that.
Everything in my relationship with my boyfriend is perfectly set up for me to get the female fuck buddy/friend with benefits that I want. Everything except the presence of a woman in my life who would be suitable. I've always thought that when the time is right for you to have a partner then the right person will appear, but it's infurating really wanting a woman and there not being one for me right now.
Truth be told, I can't really see how I'm ever going to find a woman. There are no women in my life right now who are lesbian or bisexual, or at least none who are open about it. I don't go out and socialise much so it's unlikely I'm ever going to meet one, and even then she'd have to be right. I'm not going to jump into bed with just any woman. I also wouldn't want to resort to using a website to find a woman, although using the internet to get to know a woman I already knew in real life wouldn't be a completely bad option.
It all seems so impossible though. I had a crippling fear of rejection when I wanted to ask my boyfriend out, and I was 99.99% sure he liked me in that way. Not only with a woman would I have to make sure she liked me, I'd have to establish that she was actually lesbian or bisexual and set out the rules that I don't want a proper relationship with her. So complicated.
I find this situation quite infurating at times as since being with my boyfriend, it is the first sexual experience I have ever desired that is not easily attainable for me. Until I've had a sexual experience with a woman and really enjoyed it, I don't feel that I can properly know where my sexuality stands.
All I can really do is hope for the best, I suppose!
Wednesday 14 April 2010
The next two vibrators and my toy box
My next two vibrators, which I think came along a few weeks after the first turned out to be much better for me. I hadn't really learnt any of the advice I wrote about in my last post at that time was it was pretty much luck that landed me with these two great vibrators.
The next two vibrators I bought were the Bang Bang Bunny and the Ultra 7. I decided on the Ultra 7 because it had a lot of good reviews and had even won awards, so it couldn't be all bad. I'd actually heard the assistant in Ann Summers trying to flog their own version of it when I was there and it sounded alright. It was also a little slimmer than the first vibrator I'd had, and the shape less extreme. It seemed worth a try.
I was about to say I didn't remember why I chose the Bang Bang Bunny, but one of the things I love about this blog is that it brings stuff back to my memory that I'd forgotten about. When I ordered my first vibrator I got a copy of the LoveHoney magazine with it, and there was a code in the back to get a free one when you spent over a certain amount. I didn't realise at the time that the code had already expired by the time I got it (the magazine was a few months old) but by then I'd already set my heart on it so I bought one. I'm really glad I did.
These two vibrators are two of my favourites, for quite different reasons.
My boyfriend can work wonders with the Bang Bang Bunny. He is just magic with it. I'm not a fan of fiddly clit vibes, but my boyfriend can see what he's doing with this one and really work it in the right areas. It's also special in that it doesn't just vibrate, it has the little rabbit ears on it too. I really get off on movement on my clit so it really works for me. It sucks when I use it on my own because I don't have the patience for it, but my boyfriend is magic. I can't recommend enough, especially if you have a partner to use it on you. It's also a nice little first step into rabbit vibrators if you want to see what the sensations are like on the clit. Only thing that's not great about it is that it doesn't seem to want to work with rechargeable batteries, but I keep myself stocked up with pound shop batteries which provide more than enough power and seem to last a decent amount of time that it's not a drain on my finances.
The Ultra 7 was wonderful to begin with because it was the first time my boyfriend was able to thrust a toy in and out of me without the shape causing it to hurt. It's also got a few pulse settings and some of them are truly orgasmic. My boyfriend hasn't used this one on me in ages (maybe I should ask him to - we have our favourites to use when we're together and it's not often we stray from them), but it does great when it's just sitting inside me. One of the pulses makes it feel like it's being thrust in and out of me really hard and it's incredible. When I'm by myself, I pair it with the first one I bought and it's amazing. It seems to go in and out of fashion with me, swapping places with my rabbit from time to time, and every time I come back to it I'm amazed and wonder why I haven't used it in so long. I've recently entered this phase again, and I feel like getting down on my knees and begging for forgiveness that I left something capable of giving me so much pleasure away in my toy box for so long. Again, everyone should have one of these.
Now that I had a small collection of toys, it was starting to get about time I had somewhere to keep them. I headed into Wilkinson's and picked up a small tool box for just over £2, bought a padlock to put on it and voila! It's so sweet to think back to that original tool box and think how small it is. You probably couldn't fit even half of my collection into one of those now. Sometimes I go in Wilkinson's, looking to see if they stock any even bigger toolboxes, see that small toolbox on the shelf and go "aww, it's so tiny".
Some people are dubious about toolboxes like this, saying they're too obvious, especially when they're locked. It makes people suspicious. However, I have a few creative, messy hobbies that require paint an hot glue guns and all sorts of other mess, just the type of stuff that I would keep in a tool box! At least for me, it doesn't look out of place at all. I have another toolbox now, bigger than the first but still too small (currently on the lookout for something bigger but not found anything suitable yet). The beautiful thing I've found about my current toolbox is the compartments on the top which are perfect for keeping batteries in. It's also good because there is one on each side, and since I use rechrageable batteries I keep charged ones in one side and ones which need charging in another.
The other day (oh horror!) my mum came in to tidy my room. I was wetting myself she might get curious about it since it's not often she comes in, but I placed it on the floor rather than next to bed making it look like I wanted easy access to it, and when I came home I found she'd stacked a load of stuff on top of it, so it doesn't sound like she paid it any attention. I'm terrified that one day my parents will find out about my toys. There's not much more I can do than be vigilant about locking it and hoping for the best!
The next two vibrators I bought were the Bang Bang Bunny and the Ultra 7. I decided on the Ultra 7 because it had a lot of good reviews and had even won awards, so it couldn't be all bad. I'd actually heard the assistant in Ann Summers trying to flog their own version of it when I was there and it sounded alright. It was also a little slimmer than the first vibrator I'd had, and the shape less extreme. It seemed worth a try.
I was about to say I didn't remember why I chose the Bang Bang Bunny, but one of the things I love about this blog is that it brings stuff back to my memory that I'd forgotten about. When I ordered my first vibrator I got a copy of the LoveHoney magazine with it, and there was a code in the back to get a free one when you spent over a certain amount. I didn't realise at the time that the code had already expired by the time I got it (the magazine was a few months old) but by then I'd already set my heart on it so I bought one. I'm really glad I did.
These two vibrators are two of my favourites, for quite different reasons.
My boyfriend can work wonders with the Bang Bang Bunny. He is just magic with it. I'm not a fan of fiddly clit vibes, but my boyfriend can see what he's doing with this one and really work it in the right areas. It's also special in that it doesn't just vibrate, it has the little rabbit ears on it too. I really get off on movement on my clit so it really works for me. It sucks when I use it on my own because I don't have the patience for it, but my boyfriend is magic. I can't recommend enough, especially if you have a partner to use it on you. It's also a nice little first step into rabbit vibrators if you want to see what the sensations are like on the clit. Only thing that's not great about it is that it doesn't seem to want to work with rechargeable batteries, but I keep myself stocked up with pound shop batteries which provide more than enough power and seem to last a decent amount of time that it's not a drain on my finances.
The Ultra 7 was wonderful to begin with because it was the first time my boyfriend was able to thrust a toy in and out of me without the shape causing it to hurt. It's also got a few pulse settings and some of them are truly orgasmic. My boyfriend hasn't used this one on me in ages (maybe I should ask him to - we have our favourites to use when we're together and it's not often we stray from them), but it does great when it's just sitting inside me. One of the pulses makes it feel like it's being thrust in and out of me really hard and it's incredible. When I'm by myself, I pair it with the first one I bought and it's amazing. It seems to go in and out of fashion with me, swapping places with my rabbit from time to time, and every time I come back to it I'm amazed and wonder why I haven't used it in so long. I've recently entered this phase again, and I feel like getting down on my knees and begging for forgiveness that I left something capable of giving me so much pleasure away in my toy box for so long. Again, everyone should have one of these.
Now that I had a small collection of toys, it was starting to get about time I had somewhere to keep them. I headed into Wilkinson's and picked up a small tool box for just over £2, bought a padlock to put on it and voila! It's so sweet to think back to that original tool box and think how small it is. You probably couldn't fit even half of my collection into one of those now. Sometimes I go in Wilkinson's, looking to see if they stock any even bigger toolboxes, see that small toolbox on the shelf and go "aww, it's so tiny".
Some people are dubious about toolboxes like this, saying they're too obvious, especially when they're locked. It makes people suspicious. However, I have a few creative, messy hobbies that require paint an hot glue guns and all sorts of other mess, just the type of stuff that I would keep in a tool box! At least for me, it doesn't look out of place at all. I have another toolbox now, bigger than the first but still too small (currently on the lookout for something bigger but not found anything suitable yet). The beautiful thing I've found about my current toolbox is the compartments on the top which are perfect for keeping batteries in. It's also good because there is one on each side, and since I use rechrageable batteries I keep charged ones in one side and ones which need charging in another.
The other day (oh horror!) my mum came in to tidy my room. I was wetting myself she might get curious about it since it's not often she comes in, but I placed it on the floor rather than next to bed making it look like I wanted easy access to it, and when I came home I found she'd stacked a load of stuff on top of it, so it doesn't sound like she paid it any attention. I'm terrified that one day my parents will find out about my toys. There's not much more I can do than be vigilant about locking it and hoping for the best!
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Sunday 11 April 2010
Why I'm never buying from Ann Summers again
I remember having an online conversation with my boyfriend about if there was anything new he wanted to try, and he said there wasn't really anything we hadn't already tried that didn't involve any extra equipment. Given that, I'm sure there was something going on before this post other than just different positions, but I don't know what it was lol. All I can remember is investing in some different types of lube. If I remember anything else, I'll come back to it later.
So yes, he told me that there was nothing new to try that didn't involve any other kinds of equipment. It was an interesting statement, so I quizzed him about it and he told me he meant sex toys. This got my interest up quite a bit. Throughout my life, I'd rarely masturbated. I just never felt the urge and my fingers did nothing for me. The most significant solo sexual experience I'd had was a good few years before with a plastic tube I had that I put into myself. For the first two or three seconds it was intense, even though it was only about a centimentre in diameter. After that it didn't do a great deal for me but I continued to play with it anyway. I stayed in search of something a little bigger to insert into me to see what it felt like, but I never found anything. I have no idea how I never thought to buy a sex toy, but my libido was so low it was almost non-existent back then, and it was probably a sign of how naive and innocent I was back in those years.
Now my boyfriend had suggested getting a toy, it seemed just right and irresistable. I really wanted to try one. We agreed that I was gonna have a look around and see if there was one I liked the look of and there was no big rush, but as I started looking I found that it was getting more and more painful not owning one. I really wanted to try it now!
This all started when I was out shopping a few days later. I hadn't gone out for that specific purpose, but as I was wondering around the shops I noticed an Ann Summers. It seemed kind of scary, but I got up the courage to go in under the pretense that I would look at the underwear first, and I could sneak into the toy section if I felt I had the courage! I went in and had a wonder around, but there were two women in there browsing and one of the assistants. I really didn't want the assistant to be there, I just wanted to have a look on my own. Eventually the two women left and I realised that the assistant was placed in the toy section and wasn't moving, so I either had to look with her there or not look at all.
I went in, feeling incredibly sheepish. After perhaps a minute the assistant came up to me and started talking, asking me if I needed any help. She asked me some questions and I told her I'd never used a toy before so she gave me a lovely little talk about which ones they'd recommend for newbies and showed me some of the different features. It turned out not as half as bad as I thought it was going to be. There was one toy there I kind of liked, but decided not to rush into it. By the time I got home though I really wanted the toy! The more I think about things, especially toys, the more I want them.
I showed the toy to my boyfriend on the Ann Summers website. The vibe I'd picked out was the Sweet As Candy one they sell. I spent alot of time thinking about it, and by Monday I wanted it badly. I considered ordering it from their website but as it was a weekend at the time I wasn't going to get it any sooner. It would be quicker for me to go to the shop on Monday and save myself a few quid on the delivery as well. So, I was going to go on another shopping trip, although I didn't want my journey to be in vain if the shop I was going to (which was a different branch of Ann Summers to the one I'd gone to before) didn't have it in stock. I had to go down to my garden shed to phone the store so I could have some privacy! The call only lasted 20 seconds at the most, but it felt really scary! I was phoning a sex shop to ask if they had a specific vibrator in stock!
They did have it in stock, so I caught the bus and went to Ann Summers and bought my vibrator. It was a thrill, I couldn't wait to get home to use it!
Sadly, I got it home and it didn't work. I explored the device for a good while, thinking that it might just be me being new to toys not knowing how they work, but other than the button on the bottom there was nothing else that looked like it was any use. Disappointed, I returned to the shop a few days later and got a replacement. I took batteries with me so I could test it once I'd got it so I wasn't all the way home again if the next one didn't work, but they tested it in the shop for me and proved the new one did indeed work. I once again got my excitement up, except this time was worse because I had college that afternoon, so I had to take the vibrator to college with me! It felt incredibly naughty.
I got home really excited to be trying it out. I went up to my room, locked the door, took my trousers off, lubed up and off we go. It would have been great were it not for the fact that less than two minutes in, this vibrator gave up as well. I really wasn't impressed.
Another trip back to Ann Summers. I was increasingly annoyed this time because it wasn't a college day this time and it meant having to buy a bus ticket that I wouldn't have ordinarily bought, so it cost me extra money. If I was a more confrontational person, I could have kicked up a fuss about the extra money their faulty products were costing me, but I'm not so I didn't. I should have though.
They offered me another replacement, but as I'd already had two broken ones I had no interest in getting a third one that was going to break, especially since it wasn't very convenient for me to keep coming back. I asked for my money back. They seemed reluctant but they couldn't refuse. The store manager (who they needed to authorise a cash refund) was on lunch break at the time, so I had to wait around for a few minutes while they tracked her down and brought her back. During this time they got me to look at their other toys and see if there was anything else I wanted, but by this point I'd already ordered another toy from a website and I'd told myself I wasn't ever going to buy an Ann Summers toy again. The manager came and tried to persuade me to have a different toy rather than a replacement, and I ended up having to tell her I'd got a different toy from somewhere else before she'd give me the money. I really don't think they wanted to refund me but they couldn't legally refuse.
What made this third visit worse was that as well as having to buy a bus ticket I wouldn't have otherwise bought, I'd actually gotten a lift into town with my mum and she was also wondering around the shops (after I finally managed to ditch her). I was terrified she was going to walk past the shop and spot me at the till with a sex toy on the counter!
It actually turned out for the best, as I now have loads of toys which I might not have had if my Ann Summers toy had worked. The second part of my sex toy story will be coming later.
So yes, he told me that there was nothing new to try that didn't involve any other kinds of equipment. It was an interesting statement, so I quizzed him about it and he told me he meant sex toys. This got my interest up quite a bit. Throughout my life, I'd rarely masturbated. I just never felt the urge and my fingers did nothing for me. The most significant solo sexual experience I'd had was a good few years before with a plastic tube I had that I put into myself. For the first two or three seconds it was intense, even though it was only about a centimentre in diameter. After that it didn't do a great deal for me but I continued to play with it anyway. I stayed in search of something a little bigger to insert into me to see what it felt like, but I never found anything. I have no idea how I never thought to buy a sex toy, but my libido was so low it was almost non-existent back then, and it was probably a sign of how naive and innocent I was back in those years.
Now my boyfriend had suggested getting a toy, it seemed just right and irresistable. I really wanted to try one. We agreed that I was gonna have a look around and see if there was one I liked the look of and there was no big rush, but as I started looking I found that it was getting more and more painful not owning one. I really wanted to try it now!
This all started when I was out shopping a few days later. I hadn't gone out for that specific purpose, but as I was wondering around the shops I noticed an Ann Summers. It seemed kind of scary, but I got up the courage to go in under the pretense that I would look at the underwear first, and I could sneak into the toy section if I felt I had the courage! I went in and had a wonder around, but there were two women in there browsing and one of the assistants. I really didn't want the assistant to be there, I just wanted to have a look on my own. Eventually the two women left and I realised that the assistant was placed in the toy section and wasn't moving, so I either had to look with her there or not look at all.
I went in, feeling incredibly sheepish. After perhaps a minute the assistant came up to me and started talking, asking me if I needed any help. She asked me some questions and I told her I'd never used a toy before so she gave me a lovely little talk about which ones they'd recommend for newbies and showed me some of the different features. It turned out not as half as bad as I thought it was going to be. There was one toy there I kind of liked, but decided not to rush into it. By the time I got home though I really wanted the toy! The more I think about things, especially toys, the more I want them.
I showed the toy to my boyfriend on the Ann Summers website. The vibe I'd picked out was the Sweet As Candy one they sell. I spent alot of time thinking about it, and by Monday I wanted it badly. I considered ordering it from their website but as it was a weekend at the time I wasn't going to get it any sooner. It would be quicker for me to go to the shop on Monday and save myself a few quid on the delivery as well. So, I was going to go on another shopping trip, although I didn't want my journey to be in vain if the shop I was going to (which was a different branch of Ann Summers to the one I'd gone to before) didn't have it in stock. I had to go down to my garden shed to phone the store so I could have some privacy! The call only lasted 20 seconds at the most, but it felt really scary! I was phoning a sex shop to ask if they had a specific vibrator in stock!
They did have it in stock, so I caught the bus and went to Ann Summers and bought my vibrator. It was a thrill, I couldn't wait to get home to use it!
Sadly, I got it home and it didn't work. I explored the device for a good while, thinking that it might just be me being new to toys not knowing how they work, but other than the button on the bottom there was nothing else that looked like it was any use. Disappointed, I returned to the shop a few days later and got a replacement. I took batteries with me so I could test it once I'd got it so I wasn't all the way home again if the next one didn't work, but they tested it in the shop for me and proved the new one did indeed work. I once again got my excitement up, except this time was worse because I had college that afternoon, so I had to take the vibrator to college with me! It felt incredibly naughty.
I got home really excited to be trying it out. I went up to my room, locked the door, took my trousers off, lubed up and off we go. It would have been great were it not for the fact that less than two minutes in, this vibrator gave up as well. I really wasn't impressed.
Another trip back to Ann Summers. I was increasingly annoyed this time because it wasn't a college day this time and it meant having to buy a bus ticket that I wouldn't have ordinarily bought, so it cost me extra money. If I was a more confrontational person, I could have kicked up a fuss about the extra money their faulty products were costing me, but I'm not so I didn't. I should have though.
They offered me another replacement, but as I'd already had two broken ones I had no interest in getting a third one that was going to break, especially since it wasn't very convenient for me to keep coming back. I asked for my money back. They seemed reluctant but they couldn't refuse. The store manager (who they needed to authorise a cash refund) was on lunch break at the time, so I had to wait around for a few minutes while they tracked her down and brought her back. During this time they got me to look at their other toys and see if there was anything else I wanted, but by this point I'd already ordered another toy from a website and I'd told myself I wasn't ever going to buy an Ann Summers toy again. The manager came and tried to persuade me to have a different toy rather than a replacement, and I ended up having to tell her I'd got a different toy from somewhere else before she'd give me the money. I really don't think they wanted to refund me but they couldn't legally refuse.
What made this third visit worse was that as well as having to buy a bus ticket I wouldn't have otherwise bought, I'd actually gotten a lift into town with my mum and she was also wondering around the shops (after I finally managed to ditch her). I was terrified she was going to walk past the shop and spot me at the till with a sex toy on the counter!
It actually turned out for the best, as I now have loads of toys which I might not have had if my Ann Summers toy had worked. The second part of my sex toy story will be coming later.
Saturday 10 April 2010
Friday 9 April 2010
Congratulations on a well written blog, but, are you going to be adding pictures at any stage?
Thank you for the compliment! I may well add pictures later, once I get onto the bits with toys and dressing up and stuff! I'd like my blog to chronicle my entire sex life, but there's alot of old stuff to get through first.
Tuesday 6 April 2010
The Next Few Times
My sister had put a lot of effort into telling me to wait to have sex with my boyfriend, although she never said why. She always just felt that we should wait longer, but that was never going to hold me off. Even now, she hasn't said. There was no reason for me and my boyfriend to wait, we were already ready. I think the difference is that I'm a good few years older than my sister, so we're more mature. Secondly, I wonder if there was some jealousy or something going on that me and my boyfriend were having sex at the three month point in our relationship. Three months into her relationship, she hadn't even kissed her boyfriend yet. Were it not for a (probably drunken) Halloween party, it probably would have been even longer.
Anyway, once we did have sex, I spoke to my sister about it and told her how much it hurt. She told me it was normal, and since I wasn't going to see my boyfriend for a few days now, it would give my body chance to heal and adjust and then the next time should be lovely and pain free.
The next time my boyfriend was over and started giving me oral for foreplay, I got really excited. It was almost like this was going to be my real first time without all that pain. I was expecting it to be amazing.
It wasn't. It still felt like a sneak preview of childbirth. Even though it did hurt marginally less than the first time, it was still obscenely painful. It was even more gutting because of the fact that I was expecting it to be amazing, and this is how I knew it wasn't hurting because I was expecting it to.
The fourth time hurt, and so did the fifth time I had sex.
One time, something weird came over me afterwards. I dont think I've ever spoke to my boyfriend about it, although he was obviously there at the time. We finished having sex, and for some reason I just really wanted to cry. To this day, I still don't know why. There was nothing that had happened that made me want to cry, and I knew it wasn't because it hurt (even though it really did hurt). My boyfriend picked up on my mood asked me if I was alright and I told him I was fine. If I said no, I couldn't tell him why because I didn't know myself, and I think you'd be hard pushed to find something worse to do for a guy after sex than cry. I felt awful and completely drained, and I had no idea why. I remember looking at my clock and seeing the time was twenty to nine. He always goes home at nine, and I sort of just wished he'd go home then so I could get it all out of my system. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to hold it all in for twenty minutes. I sort of feel bad about writing this now because he's going to read it and maybe feel bad about it, but over a year later, I just have no idea why I felt that way. It was nothing that either of us had done. I just seemed to hit a downer. I can't remember if it was the third time we had sex or not, but maybe it was the shock of expecting it to be amazing and then getting the shock of killer pain again.
Although it was getting marginally less painful each time we had sex, at the rate we were going it was going to be a few years before I was having pain-free sex. To help speed up the process, after the fifth time my boyfriend agreed we should try lube. It couldn't really make things any worse, at least. I had a bit of shopping to do, so I wrote myself a little list, with 'L' as one item, just in case someone else found it! It felt so naughty the first time I bought lube and handed it over to the cashier, even though it was in with a load of other items. These days it doesn't bother me at all. Back along Tesco had a buy one get on free offer on lube, and taking two bottles up to the till didn't bother me. I almost got four bottles but didn't because it would take me too long to get through, even though I know it wouldn't go to waste.
The sixth time we had sex, we used the lube. It was a marked improvement. It still hurt, but the pain had been reduced enough that I was able to put it to one side and enjoy having sex for the first time. I wished I could have tried lube sooner. I'm such a fan of lube now, I feel I owe it a great deal of gratitude.
Anyway, once we did have sex, I spoke to my sister about it and told her how much it hurt. She told me it was normal, and since I wasn't going to see my boyfriend for a few days now, it would give my body chance to heal and adjust and then the next time should be lovely and pain free.
The next time my boyfriend was over and started giving me oral for foreplay, I got really excited. It was almost like this was going to be my real first time without all that pain. I was expecting it to be amazing.
It wasn't. It still felt like a sneak preview of childbirth. Even though it did hurt marginally less than the first time, it was still obscenely painful. It was even more gutting because of the fact that I was expecting it to be amazing, and this is how I knew it wasn't hurting because I was expecting it to.
The fourth time hurt, and so did the fifth time I had sex.
One time, something weird came over me afterwards. I dont think I've ever spoke to my boyfriend about it, although he was obviously there at the time. We finished having sex, and for some reason I just really wanted to cry. To this day, I still don't know why. There was nothing that had happened that made me want to cry, and I knew it wasn't because it hurt (even though it really did hurt). My boyfriend picked up on my mood asked me if I was alright and I told him I was fine. If I said no, I couldn't tell him why because I didn't know myself, and I think you'd be hard pushed to find something worse to do for a guy after sex than cry. I felt awful and completely drained, and I had no idea why. I remember looking at my clock and seeing the time was twenty to nine. He always goes home at nine, and I sort of just wished he'd go home then so I could get it all out of my system. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to hold it all in for twenty minutes. I sort of feel bad about writing this now because he's going to read it and maybe feel bad about it, but over a year later, I just have no idea why I felt that way. It was nothing that either of us had done. I just seemed to hit a downer. I can't remember if it was the third time we had sex or not, but maybe it was the shock of expecting it to be amazing and then getting the shock of killer pain again.
Although it was getting marginally less painful each time we had sex, at the rate we were going it was going to be a few years before I was having pain-free sex. To help speed up the process, after the fifth time my boyfriend agreed we should try lube. It couldn't really make things any worse, at least. I had a bit of shopping to do, so I wrote myself a little list, with 'L' as one item, just in case someone else found it! It felt so naughty the first time I bought lube and handed it over to the cashier, even though it was in with a load of other items. These days it doesn't bother me at all. Back along Tesco had a buy one get on free offer on lube, and taking two bottles up to the till didn't bother me. I almost got four bottles but didn't because it would take me too long to get through, even though I know it wouldn't go to waste.
The sixth time we had sex, we used the lube. It was a marked improvement. It still hurt, but the pain had been reduced enough that I was able to put it to one side and enjoy having sex for the first time. I wished I could have tried lube sooner. I'm such a fan of lube now, I feel I owe it a great deal of gratitude.
Saturday 3 April 2010
First time sex and what I learnt from it
My first time having sex! There are so many things I learnt from it that I wished I'd known beforehand, and if I could relive it quite a few things I'd do differently.
That Saturday night saw the final performance of that year's show of my am dram group. I had a large number of family members in attendance, as well as my boyfriend so I was pretty nervous, but it all went well. The day after, we all went out for a meal. After the meal, we all went our separate ways. Family all went out to some local beauty spots, while me and my boyfriend went home and had the house to ourselves.
As usual, we got into bed, got naked and moved onto oral like we usually did. I hadn't decided as such that today would be the day we'd have sex, but I was ready and there was a good chance I'd say yes to it today. After what was probably about 40 minutes of oral and making sure he had an erection, I announced that I thought I was ready to "do it properly". We'd originally set up a signal for me to do if I didn't feel I had the guts to say "I'm ready for sex now!", but I was quite pleased with myself that I'd actually spoken the fact I wanted sex.
We switched sides rather unceremoniously so that he was on top, and he felt around and got his dick in the right place. I had the implant and he'd come up clean on the STD test (I was a virgin so I didn't need one), and so we'd decided we weren't going to use condoms. Although I am completely paranoid, we'd decided the downsides of condoms (reduced sensations etc) weren't worth the 0.1% chance I might get pregnant.
Then, he went in.
I'm sortof wary of describing my first time in case there are any virgins reading this that might let this affect them, but I'm going to describe it in the hopes that if you are a virgin, you'll take this with a grain of salt and learn from my mistakes.
It hurt like a bitch. I'm not exaggerating, it was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I consider it be a sneak preview of childbirth and the only thing I can think of that I've experienced that's been more painful was when I dropped a frying pan of hot fat down my leg when I was a child.
I'd love to say that despite that, I really loved the physical connection with my boyfriend and it was still mentally amazing, but it wasn't. It hurt so much it was all I could concentrate on, and I spent the whole time wondering if I should ask him to stop yet. He came relatively quickly on my first time and I was glad, because by that point I was seconds away from telling him I'd had enough. I might have regretted it after if that was how my first time ended, but I was in enough pain not to be thinking about that at the time.
I bled over the sheets. I wish I could have kept those sheets as a keepsake (I'm keeping a collection of naughty stuff from our past), but it was the only sheet I had at the time, so I took a picture! Seems kind of weird and sick in a way, but it's good for a giggle.
We cuddled a lot after. I remember lying there with him and thinking "Shit, I'm not a virgin any more!" I hadn't thought about it before I'd decided it was time for sex, and although it wouldn't have changed my decision, I wished I'd acknowledged that I was losing my virginity before it happened.
We had sex again later that day. I wasn't scared off by the pain. On the contrary, I thought that if I kept doing it it would stop hurting more quickly and I'd be able to enjoy it. We did it a second time that day but it still hurt just as much.
There are a few things that I've learnt since that first time that I hope I can pass on to other people:
That Saturday night saw the final performance of that year's show of my am dram group. I had a large number of family members in attendance, as well as my boyfriend so I was pretty nervous, but it all went well. The day after, we all went out for a meal. After the meal, we all went our separate ways. Family all went out to some local beauty spots, while me and my boyfriend went home and had the house to ourselves.
As usual, we got into bed, got naked and moved onto oral like we usually did. I hadn't decided as such that today would be the day we'd have sex, but I was ready and there was a good chance I'd say yes to it today. After what was probably about 40 minutes of oral and making sure he had an erection, I announced that I thought I was ready to "do it properly". We'd originally set up a signal for me to do if I didn't feel I had the guts to say "I'm ready for sex now!", but I was quite pleased with myself that I'd actually spoken the fact I wanted sex.
We switched sides rather unceremoniously so that he was on top, and he felt around and got his dick in the right place. I had the implant and he'd come up clean on the STD test (I was a virgin so I didn't need one), and so we'd decided we weren't going to use condoms. Although I am completely paranoid, we'd decided the downsides of condoms (reduced sensations etc) weren't worth the 0.1% chance I might get pregnant.
Then, he went in.
I'm sortof wary of describing my first time in case there are any virgins reading this that might let this affect them, but I'm going to describe it in the hopes that if you are a virgin, you'll take this with a grain of salt and learn from my mistakes.
It hurt like a bitch. I'm not exaggerating, it was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I consider it be a sneak preview of childbirth and the only thing I can think of that I've experienced that's been more painful was when I dropped a frying pan of hot fat down my leg when I was a child.
I'd love to say that despite that, I really loved the physical connection with my boyfriend and it was still mentally amazing, but it wasn't. It hurt so much it was all I could concentrate on, and I spent the whole time wondering if I should ask him to stop yet. He came relatively quickly on my first time and I was glad, because by that point I was seconds away from telling him I'd had enough. I might have regretted it after if that was how my first time ended, but I was in enough pain not to be thinking about that at the time.
I bled over the sheets. I wish I could have kept those sheets as a keepsake (I'm keeping a collection of naughty stuff from our past), but it was the only sheet I had at the time, so I took a picture! Seems kind of weird and sick in a way, but it's good for a giggle.
We cuddled a lot after. I remember lying there with him and thinking "Shit, I'm not a virgin any more!" I hadn't thought about it before I'd decided it was time for sex, and although it wouldn't have changed my decision, I wished I'd acknowledged that I was losing my virginity before it happened.
We had sex again later that day. I wasn't scared off by the pain. On the contrary, I thought that if I kept doing it it would stop hurting more quickly and I'd be able to enjoy it. We did it a second time that day but it still hurt just as much.
There are a few things that I've learnt since that first time that I hope I can pass on to other people:
- There's a difference between being turned on in mind and body. My boyfriend had certainly done enough oral beforehand and I was of the mind that "I'm not getting any wetter", but I realise now that I wasn't properly turned on mentally. It still would have hurt, but I sometimes wonder if it might have hurt less if it was a bit more erotic.
- Lube! I'll talk about this in a later post, but I later learnt that it would make it a lot better. We'd talked about it beforehand but I took the advice of my more experienced boyfriend who said I didn't seem to have a problem with wetness and it wouldn't make much difference. I didn't think at the time that it couldn't make it worse and it was probably a good idea anyway.
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