I've realised now how little of the next section I can actually remember and how much of it comes from deduction of what must have happened, and this makes me sad. I wish I could remember it better, and you'd think I would! That's one of the purposes of this blog though - to write this stuff down before I forget it completely.
It may have been the next day when it all happened, maybe a bit more than that, but it certainly wasn't long. The next time we were in bed together, his pants came off.
I suppose I had something of a sheltered childhood. Even now, I feel like I should look away from him when he's standing there naked because of the presence of that penis. I think I've been conditioned that way. I came from a background where even the mention of sex was pretty seriously frowned upon. I remember once, a "friend" was over and she drew a picture of a drunk sperm and stuck it on my parents' wardrobe. They went mental when they found it later that night. Apart from diagrams in science and sex education lessons, there'd only ever been two occasions where I'd seen a real penis. The main one was catching the odd glimpse of my dad now and then when he was getting into the bath or something, so of course it was "AAAH! LOOK AWAY!", and one other time when the previously mentioned friend's pre-pubescent brother got out a section of his dick (although not the head) in front of us to try and show us the bone in there that lent its name to the famous boner. Like most other things sexual throughout my life, I was probably far too old before I realised that boners weren't called that because the penis had a bone in it.
Being there with my boyfriend then was the first time I'd ever seen a real dick. I wanted to look, it was fascinating. I'd never seen one before, not even in a photo, and it was nice to be able to put an image to what I'd been touching up in the car before. However, there was also 22 years of conditioning in me that was incredibly difficult to resist. He was completely naked and I shouldn't look at it. It was so hard for me to tell myself that he was my boyfriend and I was allowed to look.
We got in bed, and then his dick was hidden away under the duvet. This was still a new experience to me though, as there were no pants and I was able to have my hands all over his bum. There was the added issue of all this man junk sitting there though. I don't consider there to be many advantages women have over men, but having all out sexual junk tucked away means that it doesn't get in harm's way when moving about in bed.
At this point, our sex lives together still consisted of nothing but him giving me oral with me on top, so this is what we proceeded to do. This time, however, he wasn't wearing underpants. I was on top of him, and his naked dick was underneath me, right in front of my face.
His dick was right in front of my face. I couldn't ignore it. I'd already touched it once before in the car, but it still felt every bit as scary touching it again. I could see it this time, and my hands were in a position where I'd be able to get much more contact and access to the whole area. I managed to do it though, and slowly, caressing it turned into a hand job. It was empowering to see how my hands could turn his dick from flaccid to erect. Still now, I love the feeling of knowing what my hands have done every time I give him an erection. I've just remembered now, actually. At one point he stopped me to adjust the position I was getting him off in. My head was actually a bit down past his dick, and I guess I ended up pulling his dick down further than was comfortable for him. Still, it was a learning experience.
Before any of this had happened, I'd told my boyfriend that it might take me days, weeks, maybe even months before I was ready to try oral on him. Funnily enough, I'd told him not that long before we got together that I couldn't imagine ever putting a guy's dick in my mouth, it was disgusting. He was kind of shocked, but he told me that I'd probably change my mind when I had a naked guy in front of me. Now here we were, and he was that naked guy.
I'd told him that I probably wouldnt be ready to do oral for ages, but now here we were, past the barrier where I was afraid to touch it. I'd probably been tossing him off for about 10 minutes at the very most, and I'd only seen him completely naked for the first time about 20-25 minutes ago, so I was a bit shocked that all of a sudden I was ready to try using my mouth.
I had a plan for building up to a blow job. On that day, I'd master the hand job. A little bit down the line, I'd lick the shaft a little bit. It was on the penis, but the shaft is really only skin. A few more days/weeks down the line, I'd move onto licking the head, and then eventually I'd have his dick in my mouth.
This went out of the window. I probably did about five seconds of licking the shaft at the most before I just went in for the kill and took his whole dick in my mouth, not even half an hour after the first time I'd seen him properly naked. I could hardly bear to look when he first got his pants off, and here I was now. I felt so naughty, but so impressed with myself. I like to think that me at that moment was the first moment of my transformation into what I am now. I was still all sweet and innocent before that point, even with all the oral sex I'd been recieving.
I already knew that I had an insanely strong gag reflex, inherited from my dad, but it really didn't help me. I got by alright on this first time though, because my focus wasn't so much on me giving him pleasure (although of course this was an aspect for me), but on me having this new experience and getting used to doing it.
The only way I can think to describe what a penis tastes like is salty. I don't really like using that word because I don't like salt on food, and I love the taste of my boyfriend's juice, but it's really the closest word I can use to describe it. It's not at all an unpleasant taste. To describe what it's like to someone who's never had a dick in their mouth before, I'd describe it like this: Imagine putting a small amount of salt in water and stirring it in, and then adding in just a small amount of sugar to take the bitter edge off. Add something in that'll make the water just a tad thicker, and that's probably about as close as you're going to get. It varies a bit though. Sometimes the taste will fade away more, and every now and then a little bit more juice comes out and it's absolutely delicious. I'm jealous of lesbians in this sense (based on the assumption that woman juice tastes just as nice as man juice, I don't know), because all that yummy juice just keeps on flowing. None of that having to keep going for ages just to get a tiny drop.
Sadly, I still haven't experienced what full on spunk tastes like. My jaw muscles start aching long before I bring him close to orgasm, and I feel I don't have the skills. I'm sure he enjoys it, but he's the quiet type when it comes to pleasure. When my face is in his genitals and I can't easily monitor his breathing rate or facial expressions, I find it difficult to know what's working and what's not. I wouldn't want him to fake anything, but sometimes I wish he'd just exaggerate how he feels a little bit to make it easier for me and give me some encouragement. I probably shouldn't have written that though, because he's going to read this and every time he does make the odd bit of noise, I'm going to wonder whether it's real or not.
I don't think it lasted that long. We generally don't do 69 because it just kills my neck and shoulders. I much prefer to do separate oral on each other. That means he can sit on the edge of the bed and I can last longer due to the reduced strain on my muscles (although it's still no easier on the jaw), and also that we can both devote our full attention to what we're having done to us and really enjoy it.
Even though it didn't last long, it was brilliant. I was so pleased that I'd got up the courage to do it and broken that barrier ages before I thought I'd be able to, and my boyfriend was also pretty pleased and surprised too! Next time, his dick would be getting wet in another of my orifices, and it wasn't going to be my mouth ;)
Tuesday 30 March 2010
Monday 29 March 2010
Anticipation and touchy feely!
I'm not sure if I remember right, but I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend went for his STD check the day after I got my implant. It was kind of funny in a sad way - a family tragedy meant that all his family were swarming to the hospital that he was getting checked at and he was scared he was going to run into one of them. My boyfriend is unlike me in that department though, because if he did run into one of them I'm sure he'd have had no qualms about answering why he was there as "Oh, I'm here to get an STD test so I can have sex with my girlfriend". As I said in a previous post, he's the person I would be if I didn't care what people think.
He texted me when he was done and he said he should have the results in two weeks, both as a text and a letter. This was annoying because my implant would have me ready for unprotected sex in a week. By this point I was very much up for sex and counting down the days, so I wasn't best pleased that another 7 days had been added onto my countdown. Sure, we had oral and fingering to keep me satisfied, but right now I was craving something I couldn't have yet. Part of me wanted to scream about why he didn't book in for a test sooner, but in another way it was good. I'm a little paranoid, so it would help put my mind at rest that I'd left it longer than 7 days before having unprotected sex.
The days passed slowly. This is the first real time I can remember having a sex drive and wanting some action when I wasn't lying in bed with my almost naked boyfriend. He was over at my house most nights, and then one night as we'd just had tea and were in the process of getting naked again, he got the text saying he was all clear. My heart was pounding. I wasn't ready yet! We hadn't talked about it properly yet because we thought we'd have to wait two weeks! We cuddled up in bed but I felt really scared! It took me a while to calm down and realise that just because we could have sex now didn't mean that we had to. I was much happier after that. We cuddled and later we talked about sex and what would happen when I was ready. I now felt equipped for when the time came when I was ready. It's sort of embarrassing to admit now, but we arranged a signal I'd give him when I was ready for sex. I was all innocent back then, and we put this signal in place because I didn't think I'd be able to tell him that I was ready for sex! Aww, how sweet I was back then!
I think it must have been just before the weekend, because I didn't see my boyfriend for a few days after that. The next time I saw him was a Tuesday. It was the night of the final Tuesday rehearsal for the show my am dram group were putting on, and the final time me and my boyfriend were ever in the car in the car park together waiting for my bus home. I'd decided over the weekend that this was going to be the first time I touched his dick, but I forgot about my decision until about 30 seconds before we arrived in the car park. My heart raced again, but I told myself I was going to do it. Although my boyfriend was pretty sure he was STD free, like everything else, I maintained a healthy level of paranoia so I hadn't gone anywhere near his dick before. Now I had no reason to stay away. Okay, it seemed really scary, but I knew this fear was more nervousness than actually being scared and not wanting to do it.
We were in the car a good while before I managed to get up the courage to do it. He was lying on top of me, and I slid my hands down the back of his trousers and onto his bum. He started kissing my neck, so I saw this as my opportunity. If he had just been lying there, I'd have been too scared he was sitting there thinking about it. I know he'd be thinking about it anyway, but him kissing my neck would mean that his focus wasn't entirely on where my hands were going. He continued kissing my neck, much longer than he normally would, which worked perfectly for me. It took a lot of the pressure and nervousness away, and when we talked about it later, he said he'd thought I was going into his pants so he kept kissing my neck to make things easier for me. I love his perceptiveness.
I used the same strategy I'd used when I'd gone in for my first kiss, edging closer and closer. Once I got around his hips, my hands couldnt carry on the way they were, so I had to turn them around. This meant that once I eventually got up the courage to touch his dick (and the courage I needed grew considerably with each step closer I got), I was touching it with the back of my hands.
I really wish I could go back and relive this small period of time. I don't think anything of taking his dick in my hands (or assorted orifices!) now, and I'd love to relive this time when it was all new and there was the discovery and experience of it all.
My heart hammered all the time my hands were down there, but it was fantastic. It felt so naughty, and it was still scary as I was doing it, but it was great. It was so warm and squidgy! The skin on it is also completely different to anywhere else on the body too. It's thinner and softer, and if you run your fingers over it you can catch it just on your skin without trying. This makes stroking difficult but it's good for grip during a hand job :P
I had a nice, long feel about. I ran the back of my fingers up and down and around, and I went down to the balls to have a feel of what was going on down there, although the positions we were in meant I couldn't go too far down there.
At one point, I turned my hand over so I was using the front of my hand, and the added feeling I had in my fingers meant it was almost a whole new experience! It didn't last long since it just wasn't physically comfortable to have my hand like that, so I went back to using the back of my hand.
Writing this post has made me wish they could grow me some kind of giant flaccid penis in a lab to use for a pillow! I've never tried using my boyfriend's dick as a pillow, but I don't imagine he'd take well to the weight of my head crushing his dick, as well as a normal human dick being too small to provide that much of a cushion, but wouldn't it be great?
I remember going to catch the bus after that really happy that I'd done what I'd done, and enjoying the smell of his dick on my fingers! It all led to a really memorable last ever time we were in his car in the car park together. It also meant that the next time we were in bed together and I got to see it, it wasn't quite as scary for me as I'd already touched it, but that's a story for next time.
He texted me when he was done and he said he should have the results in two weeks, both as a text and a letter. This was annoying because my implant would have me ready for unprotected sex in a week. By this point I was very much up for sex and counting down the days, so I wasn't best pleased that another 7 days had been added onto my countdown. Sure, we had oral and fingering to keep me satisfied, but right now I was craving something I couldn't have yet. Part of me wanted to scream about why he didn't book in for a test sooner, but in another way it was good. I'm a little paranoid, so it would help put my mind at rest that I'd left it longer than 7 days before having unprotected sex.
The days passed slowly. This is the first real time I can remember having a sex drive and wanting some action when I wasn't lying in bed with my almost naked boyfriend. He was over at my house most nights, and then one night as we'd just had tea and were in the process of getting naked again, he got the text saying he was all clear. My heart was pounding. I wasn't ready yet! We hadn't talked about it properly yet because we thought we'd have to wait two weeks! We cuddled up in bed but I felt really scared! It took me a while to calm down and realise that just because we could have sex now didn't mean that we had to. I was much happier after that. We cuddled and later we talked about sex and what would happen when I was ready. I now felt equipped for when the time came when I was ready. It's sort of embarrassing to admit now, but we arranged a signal I'd give him when I was ready for sex. I was all innocent back then, and we put this signal in place because I didn't think I'd be able to tell him that I was ready for sex! Aww, how sweet I was back then!
I think it must have been just before the weekend, because I didn't see my boyfriend for a few days after that. The next time I saw him was a Tuesday. It was the night of the final Tuesday rehearsal for the show my am dram group were putting on, and the final time me and my boyfriend were ever in the car in the car park together waiting for my bus home. I'd decided over the weekend that this was going to be the first time I touched his dick, but I forgot about my decision until about 30 seconds before we arrived in the car park. My heart raced again, but I told myself I was going to do it. Although my boyfriend was pretty sure he was STD free, like everything else, I maintained a healthy level of paranoia so I hadn't gone anywhere near his dick before. Now I had no reason to stay away. Okay, it seemed really scary, but I knew this fear was more nervousness than actually being scared and not wanting to do it.
We were in the car a good while before I managed to get up the courage to do it. He was lying on top of me, and I slid my hands down the back of his trousers and onto his bum. He started kissing my neck, so I saw this as my opportunity. If he had just been lying there, I'd have been too scared he was sitting there thinking about it. I know he'd be thinking about it anyway, but him kissing my neck would mean that his focus wasn't entirely on where my hands were going. He continued kissing my neck, much longer than he normally would, which worked perfectly for me. It took a lot of the pressure and nervousness away, and when we talked about it later, he said he'd thought I was going into his pants so he kept kissing my neck to make things easier for me. I love his perceptiveness.
I used the same strategy I'd used when I'd gone in for my first kiss, edging closer and closer. Once I got around his hips, my hands couldnt carry on the way they were, so I had to turn them around. This meant that once I eventually got up the courage to touch his dick (and the courage I needed grew considerably with each step closer I got), I was touching it with the back of my hands.
I really wish I could go back and relive this small period of time. I don't think anything of taking his dick in my hands (or assorted orifices!) now, and I'd love to relive this time when it was all new and there was the discovery and experience of it all.
My heart hammered all the time my hands were down there, but it was fantastic. It felt so naughty, and it was still scary as I was doing it, but it was great. It was so warm and squidgy! The skin on it is also completely different to anywhere else on the body too. It's thinner and softer, and if you run your fingers over it you can catch it just on your skin without trying. This makes stroking difficult but it's good for grip during a hand job :P
I had a nice, long feel about. I ran the back of my fingers up and down and around, and I went down to the balls to have a feel of what was going on down there, although the positions we were in meant I couldn't go too far down there.
At one point, I turned my hand over so I was using the front of my hand, and the added feeling I had in my fingers meant it was almost a whole new experience! It didn't last long since it just wasn't physically comfortable to have my hand like that, so I went back to using the back of my hand.
Writing this post has made me wish they could grow me some kind of giant flaccid penis in a lab to use for a pillow! I've never tried using my boyfriend's dick as a pillow, but I don't imagine he'd take well to the weight of my head crushing his dick, as well as a normal human dick being too small to provide that much of a cushion, but wouldn't it be great?
I remember going to catch the bus after that really happy that I'd done what I'd done, and enjoying the smell of his dick on my fingers! It all led to a really memorable last ever time we were in his car in the car park together. It also meant that the next time we were in bed together and I got to see it, it wasn't quite as scary for me as I'd already touched it, but that's a story for next time.
Thursday 25 March 2010
Getting and living with the implant
Pay attention now people, because I'm about to give an account of what it's like to get the Implanon contraceptive implant and live with it afterwards. I'm hoping someone will find this useful. If it helps one person, I'll be happy.
I turned up for my appointment at the GUM clinic about 45 minutes early. I'd been shopping but by this time I was just wondering around wasting time, so I went and sat in the waiting room and read a book. I felt less scared and nervous this time as I had been here before, although still a little weird. Eventually I was called in, and although I saw a different doctor this time, she was just as nice as the last doctor I'd seen.
The doctor asked me when my last period was and asked if I had any questions. She seemed quite surprised that I didn't, although I'm not sure if she knew that I'd already been once but hadn't gotten my implant, so I'd already been explained everything.
She got me to lie down on the bed thingys they have in doctor's surgery and called her 'assistant' in, although I'm sure the job of this assistant was just to keep me talking and my mind off of what was going on, because she didn't seem to be doing much assisting. She kept asking me questions about my college course and stuff. She opened the conversation with something along the lines of 'So, what are you doing with yourself?' I'm not sure how I managed to not mention sex, seeing as I was here for an implant.
The doctor got me to lie down with my arm up above my head and got me to tense my muscles so she could feel around and find the best place for the implant, and drew a line on my arm with a purple marker when she was happy. She wiped my arm off with some alcohol stuff to make my skin sterile and whatnot and then came the anaesthetic. I have a really low pain threshold and it is incredibly easy to hurt me, but I had no problems at all with anything they did to me. The anaesthetic was probably the most painful part because I wasn't anaesthetised yet, and even then it really wasn't a problem. I don't even like to use the word pain to describe it. She poked my arm with something sharp to ask me if I could feel it, and I told her I could a little so she gave me a bit more anaesthetic, so you really don't have to worry about it hurting.
The assistant kept me talking and looking away from what the doctor was doing, which was probably just as well. I'm not squeamish, but I'm better off not watching, even though I know my boyfriend would have been fascinated.
The doctor cut a tiny incision in my skin, only a few millimetres wide. It didn't hurt, but it did feel slightly weird knowing you're being cut open but it doesn't hurt. You can only just feel it.
Next the doctor brings out a box with the implant in, which has the implant inside a special plastic injector kind of thing to insert it under your skin. This part didn't hurt, but it did feel a little uncomfortable. It felt weird! Remember me with my low pain threshold, so I probably felt it more than most people would.
The doctor offered for me to feel it under my skin to confirm it was in place, but I didn't want to touch. As I said, I'm not squeamish, but I was happier just leaving it alone. She wiped me off again and put a cotton pad on my arm to stop the opening from bleeding, and then wrapped my arm in a bandage which had to be in place for three days. I was lucky that I was getting this implant in January as it was cold out and it didn't seem amiss me wearing long sleeves to hide it from my parents and the other people I didn't want knowing.
Finally, I got given a card to keep in a safe place that the doctor wrote on with the details - when I'd had it, when I was due for removal/replacement, which arm it was in and so on. I did have a question or two afterwards about what I could do in the meantime (the implant had to be in place for 7 days before I was protected) and the doctor was brilliant about answering these.
The whole process took about 15 minutes and I was on my way again. All of a sudden, I loved my country. I know there's alot of shit about the NHS, but I'd gone in and had this done for absolutely free. I'm told in America they can pay $500-700 for an implant like mine, so I was very appreciative!
I felt fine as I left the clinic and I continued shopping for a bit while I waited for my next bus home. By the time I got on the bus about an hour later though, I felt a bit funny. Not ill, but a little light headed and I had the feeling that I just needed to take it easy for the rest of the day, which I did.
The bandage on my arm had to stay in place for three days, during which time I couldn't get it wet. This made showering a bit interesting, but I managed. During this time, there was never any pain or discomfort at all.
Monday morning rolled around, and I'd had my bandage in place three and a half days, just to be safe. I was hugely looking forward to being able to take it off. It wasn't really a nuisance other than the shower and wearing long sleeves to hide it, but I just wanted rid of it.
Taking the bandage off was the worst part of getting the implant. It was now I realised that the purpose had been to keep pressure on the implant, and now I'd taken the pressure off, owie. I wanted to put it back on. The only way I could make it hurt less (other than applying pressure) was to keep my arm pretty much straight, and I ended up taking the day off college because my course means I'm sat at a computer with bent arms at the keyboard all day. By midday the pain had pretty much disappeared, so if I go through the same again and have another implant once this one 'runs out', I'll take the bandage off at night so my arm can fix itself overnight with minimal disruption to my life.
Sadly, this wasn't quite the end of the long sleeves for me. I was left with a large yellow bruise around the area for a good few days afterwards. While it was on the inside of my arm and not too noticeable, I carried on wearing long sleeves because I didn't want to have to explain to people who'd ask 'What did you do to your arm?'
I did have a scab where I'd been cut open. Only a tiny one. I tried not to pick at it and I intended to put a plaster over it to stop it getting knocked and resulting in a scar, but it came off in my sleep before I got the chance to do it, so now I have a miniscule scar where they put it in. I'm not sure what this means for getting it out again at the end of the three years, but I'm sure many women with the implant get insertion scars so they must have a way of dealing with it.
So, now you know what it's like to get the implant, but that's the easy part. Little Miss Low Pain Threshold over here managed fine, so there's no reason anyone else should have a problem with it. However, the thing most people want to know more about are the side effects.
I consider myself really lucky with the implant because I've managed to hit upon a method of contraception that works really well for me first time. I've heard so many stories about women who go through so many different types and never really find something they're happy with, so I'm lucky.
The implant has worked brilliantly for me so far, and I've had it in 14 months now. Based on my experiences, I'd very much recommend it.
My next period was late, although truth be told since I'd missed the one before that altogether it might not have been the implant that caused that. Once it came I had the same amount of blood flow as normal, and then I think I probably bled every day for about 3 months. People have told me I should have seen a doctor about this since it went on for so long, but I really didn't consider it a problem. I was told I could have erratic bleeding for the first 6 months or so after getting my implant. The bleeding I did have was incredibly mild though, and I didn't even bother wearing a pad or a tampon because it was so little. True I wouldn't have chanced white trousers, but it was completely bearable considering that it was the result of something that was stopping me from getting pregnant.
The bleeding did eventually stop, and since then I don't think I've had something you could really class as a period. I've had the odd bit of spotting, and the very occasional bit of blood flow, but again nothing that requires a pad or a tampon. I don't even keep them in my bag any more, although I probably should as a just in case measure. I hardly ever bleed now (once every few months, if that) and it makes me wonder now how the hell I and every other woman in the world put with periods!
The implant has also been brilliant for me in controlling my period pains. Before the implant, my periods were regularish, but I'd always know they were coming by cramps a day or two before, and on the first day of bleeding I'd feel like absolute crap and would just want to curl up in a corner and die for a day. After that I was just about alright, but it certainly wasn't nice getting that every month.
These days, I don't get that any more. No more wanting to die one day a month. The downside is that I do get a little bit of feeling ugh and the odd cramp perhaps once or twice a week, but it's bearable and definitely preferable to what I was getting before.
I have put on a little weight since I got the implant, but I do eat a lot of crap so I can't blame it completely. I was a 12-14 before but I'm now edging into 16 (although I seem to be losing weight now rather than still putting it on, and I'm not dieting or anything). It was extra weight, but it wasn't too much. All my weight goes to my tummy. It might have been less noticeable if my body spread it around a bit more. For example, I can still fit into some 8-10 leggings and tights. My knickers are generally size 12, but I have some clothes which are a size 16 and are too small for me. I'll walk away now before this ends up as a rant about sizing standards in the clothing industry.
I do have a slightly embarrassing, unwomanly side effect that I'll try to write about as tastefully as possible. When I used to get my periods, I used to get severe stomach aches and I could spend ages in the bathroom. Like my period pains, this seems to have lessened but has spread out throughout the month. I do get stomach pains and the sudden feeling that I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND, and this can happen perhaps once a day, sometimes more, but sometimes not at all. I'm trying to learn to fight this though, because I've often found that I don't actually need the bathroom. Sometimes nothing happens and the feeling passes, and other times I find that...erm...I need to pass wind. I think this is the worst side effect of my implant, although I think it's more a personal side effect based on what my periods used to be like rather than something everyone gets. I can live with it (it beats being pregnant!) but it can be inconvenient sometimes because I can't always make a mad bathroom dash (which often turn out to be unnecessary), or when I'm lying in bed with my boyfriend and I have three choices - lie there in pain waiting for it to pass, get out of bed and ruin the moment by going to the bathroom, or ruin the moment by letting the air flow, so to speak.
My vaginal discharge can be a bit erratic as a result of the implant. Luckily neither me or my boyfriend are easily grossed out - there have been times where my discharge hasn't been in short supply and if you didn't know better, you'd think the used sex toy sitting on my windowsill after a session had been dipped in a glass of coke, since it seems to be covered in thick, brownish gunk. Not really a problem, but it's rare I wear white underwear these days.
On the plus side, I put on weight in one area that has been of great benefit and a self-esteem boost to me - my boobs! I'll admit that I probably wasn't wearing the right size bra before. I was wearing a 34C, and although it might not have been right, I can't have been far off because it didn't feel particularly tight or loose on me. However, a few months after getting my implant, I started to notice that I was popping out a bit. My bras seemed small for me, eventually getting onto the point where my boobs just weren't contained by my bra at all and I had unsightly overhang. I went and got measured and not only was I pleased to find that my underbust measurement hadn't changed and I was still a 34, I'd shot up to an F cup. It was one of those draw dropping moments. I couldn't believe it when the assistant in Ann Summers told me what size she thought I was. I did also find that one of my boobs was bigger than the other, which I might have had before and not noticed, but hey, my boobs are massive! I can afford to lose a few millimetres from one of them :P
One thing I had been warned was that the implant could cause a drop in my sex drive. I hadn't had sex before I got the implant and I never masturbated, so I can't really comment on what my sex drive was like. I didn't really know what I was missing I suppose. I put it down to I couldn't crave something I'd never had. However, I will say this - if this is me with reduced sex drive, God help my poor boyfriend when and if I come off the implant. There's no way he'll be able to keep up with me.
So yeah, all in all, I've found the implant to be brilliant for me. The insertion procedure is really nothing to worry about, and the relatively minor setbacks are outweighed by the positives of not having periods and the feeling shit that came with them, not being pregnant and not having to interrupt sexy times or my life in general to keep it working, nor can I forget to take it like a pill. I'll have to get it replaced in 2012 (and even then, they'll send me a letter to remind me so I don't have to worry about forgetting that), and I'm told that having it removed hurts a tiny bit more than putting it in, but I'm sure I'll survive. It can't hurt any more than giving birth.
I turned up for my appointment at the GUM clinic about 45 minutes early. I'd been shopping but by this time I was just wondering around wasting time, so I went and sat in the waiting room and read a book. I felt less scared and nervous this time as I had been here before, although still a little weird. Eventually I was called in, and although I saw a different doctor this time, she was just as nice as the last doctor I'd seen.
The doctor asked me when my last period was and asked if I had any questions. She seemed quite surprised that I didn't, although I'm not sure if she knew that I'd already been once but hadn't gotten my implant, so I'd already been explained everything.
She got me to lie down on the bed thingys they have in doctor's surgery and called her 'assistant' in, although I'm sure the job of this assistant was just to keep me talking and my mind off of what was going on, because she didn't seem to be doing much assisting. She kept asking me questions about my college course and stuff. She opened the conversation with something along the lines of 'So, what are you doing with yourself?' I'm not sure how I managed to not mention sex, seeing as I was here for an implant.
The doctor got me to lie down with my arm up above my head and got me to tense my muscles so she could feel around and find the best place for the implant, and drew a line on my arm with a purple marker when she was happy. She wiped my arm off with some alcohol stuff to make my skin sterile and whatnot and then came the anaesthetic. I have a really low pain threshold and it is incredibly easy to hurt me, but I had no problems at all with anything they did to me. The anaesthetic was probably the most painful part because I wasn't anaesthetised yet, and even then it really wasn't a problem. I don't even like to use the word pain to describe it. She poked my arm with something sharp to ask me if I could feel it, and I told her I could a little so she gave me a bit more anaesthetic, so you really don't have to worry about it hurting.
The assistant kept me talking and looking away from what the doctor was doing, which was probably just as well. I'm not squeamish, but I'm better off not watching, even though I know my boyfriend would have been fascinated.
The doctor cut a tiny incision in my skin, only a few millimetres wide. It didn't hurt, but it did feel slightly weird knowing you're being cut open but it doesn't hurt. You can only just feel it.
Next the doctor brings out a box with the implant in, which has the implant inside a special plastic injector kind of thing to insert it under your skin. This part didn't hurt, but it did feel a little uncomfortable. It felt weird! Remember me with my low pain threshold, so I probably felt it more than most people would.
The doctor offered for me to feel it under my skin to confirm it was in place, but I didn't want to touch. As I said, I'm not squeamish, but I was happier just leaving it alone. She wiped me off again and put a cotton pad on my arm to stop the opening from bleeding, and then wrapped my arm in a bandage which had to be in place for three days. I was lucky that I was getting this implant in January as it was cold out and it didn't seem amiss me wearing long sleeves to hide it from my parents and the other people I didn't want knowing.
Finally, I got given a card to keep in a safe place that the doctor wrote on with the details - when I'd had it, when I was due for removal/replacement, which arm it was in and so on. I did have a question or two afterwards about what I could do in the meantime (the implant had to be in place for 7 days before I was protected) and the doctor was brilliant about answering these.
The whole process took about 15 minutes and I was on my way again. All of a sudden, I loved my country. I know there's alot of shit about the NHS, but I'd gone in and had this done for absolutely free. I'm told in America they can pay $500-700 for an implant like mine, so I was very appreciative!
I felt fine as I left the clinic and I continued shopping for a bit while I waited for my next bus home. By the time I got on the bus about an hour later though, I felt a bit funny. Not ill, but a little light headed and I had the feeling that I just needed to take it easy for the rest of the day, which I did.
The bandage on my arm had to stay in place for three days, during which time I couldn't get it wet. This made showering a bit interesting, but I managed. During this time, there was never any pain or discomfort at all.
Monday morning rolled around, and I'd had my bandage in place three and a half days, just to be safe. I was hugely looking forward to being able to take it off. It wasn't really a nuisance other than the shower and wearing long sleeves to hide it, but I just wanted rid of it.
Taking the bandage off was the worst part of getting the implant. It was now I realised that the purpose had been to keep pressure on the implant, and now I'd taken the pressure off, owie. I wanted to put it back on. The only way I could make it hurt less (other than applying pressure) was to keep my arm pretty much straight, and I ended up taking the day off college because my course means I'm sat at a computer with bent arms at the keyboard all day. By midday the pain had pretty much disappeared, so if I go through the same again and have another implant once this one 'runs out', I'll take the bandage off at night so my arm can fix itself overnight with minimal disruption to my life.
Sadly, this wasn't quite the end of the long sleeves for me. I was left with a large yellow bruise around the area for a good few days afterwards. While it was on the inside of my arm and not too noticeable, I carried on wearing long sleeves because I didn't want to have to explain to people who'd ask 'What did you do to your arm?'
I did have a scab where I'd been cut open. Only a tiny one. I tried not to pick at it and I intended to put a plaster over it to stop it getting knocked and resulting in a scar, but it came off in my sleep before I got the chance to do it, so now I have a miniscule scar where they put it in. I'm not sure what this means for getting it out again at the end of the three years, but I'm sure many women with the implant get insertion scars so they must have a way of dealing with it.
So, now you know what it's like to get the implant, but that's the easy part. Little Miss Low Pain Threshold over here managed fine, so there's no reason anyone else should have a problem with it. However, the thing most people want to know more about are the side effects.
I consider myself really lucky with the implant because I've managed to hit upon a method of contraception that works really well for me first time. I've heard so many stories about women who go through so many different types and never really find something they're happy with, so I'm lucky.
The implant has worked brilliantly for me so far, and I've had it in 14 months now. Based on my experiences, I'd very much recommend it.
My next period was late, although truth be told since I'd missed the one before that altogether it might not have been the implant that caused that. Once it came I had the same amount of blood flow as normal, and then I think I probably bled every day for about 3 months. People have told me I should have seen a doctor about this since it went on for so long, but I really didn't consider it a problem. I was told I could have erratic bleeding for the first 6 months or so after getting my implant. The bleeding I did have was incredibly mild though, and I didn't even bother wearing a pad or a tampon because it was so little. True I wouldn't have chanced white trousers, but it was completely bearable considering that it was the result of something that was stopping me from getting pregnant.
The bleeding did eventually stop, and since then I don't think I've had something you could really class as a period. I've had the odd bit of spotting, and the very occasional bit of blood flow, but again nothing that requires a pad or a tampon. I don't even keep them in my bag any more, although I probably should as a just in case measure. I hardly ever bleed now (once every few months, if that) and it makes me wonder now how the hell I and every other woman in the world put with periods!
The implant has also been brilliant for me in controlling my period pains. Before the implant, my periods were regularish, but I'd always know they were coming by cramps a day or two before, and on the first day of bleeding I'd feel like absolute crap and would just want to curl up in a corner and die for a day. After that I was just about alright, but it certainly wasn't nice getting that every month.
These days, I don't get that any more. No more wanting to die one day a month. The downside is that I do get a little bit of feeling ugh and the odd cramp perhaps once or twice a week, but it's bearable and definitely preferable to what I was getting before.
I have put on a little weight since I got the implant, but I do eat a lot of crap so I can't blame it completely. I was a 12-14 before but I'm now edging into 16 (although I seem to be losing weight now rather than still putting it on, and I'm not dieting or anything). It was extra weight, but it wasn't too much. All my weight goes to my tummy. It might have been less noticeable if my body spread it around a bit more. For example, I can still fit into some 8-10 leggings and tights. My knickers are generally size 12, but I have some clothes which are a size 16 and are too small for me. I'll walk away now before this ends up as a rant about sizing standards in the clothing industry.
I do have a slightly embarrassing, unwomanly side effect that I'll try to write about as tastefully as possible. When I used to get my periods, I used to get severe stomach aches and I could spend ages in the bathroom. Like my period pains, this seems to have lessened but has spread out throughout the month. I do get stomach pains and the sudden feeling that I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND, and this can happen perhaps once a day, sometimes more, but sometimes not at all. I'm trying to learn to fight this though, because I've often found that I don't actually need the bathroom. Sometimes nothing happens and the feeling passes, and other times I find that...erm...I need to pass wind. I think this is the worst side effect of my implant, although I think it's more a personal side effect based on what my periods used to be like rather than something everyone gets. I can live with it (it beats being pregnant!) but it can be inconvenient sometimes because I can't always make a mad bathroom dash (which often turn out to be unnecessary), or when I'm lying in bed with my boyfriend and I have three choices - lie there in pain waiting for it to pass, get out of bed and ruin the moment by going to the bathroom, or ruin the moment by letting the air flow, so to speak.
My vaginal discharge can be a bit erratic as a result of the implant. Luckily neither me or my boyfriend are easily grossed out - there have been times where my discharge hasn't been in short supply and if you didn't know better, you'd think the used sex toy sitting on my windowsill after a session had been dipped in a glass of coke, since it seems to be covered in thick, brownish gunk. Not really a problem, but it's rare I wear white underwear these days.
On the plus side, I put on weight in one area that has been of great benefit and a self-esteem boost to me - my boobs! I'll admit that I probably wasn't wearing the right size bra before. I was wearing a 34C, and although it might not have been right, I can't have been far off because it didn't feel particularly tight or loose on me. However, a few months after getting my implant, I started to notice that I was popping out a bit. My bras seemed small for me, eventually getting onto the point where my boobs just weren't contained by my bra at all and I had unsightly overhang. I went and got measured and not only was I pleased to find that my underbust measurement hadn't changed and I was still a 34, I'd shot up to an F cup. It was one of those draw dropping moments. I couldn't believe it when the assistant in Ann Summers told me what size she thought I was. I did also find that one of my boobs was bigger than the other, which I might have had before and not noticed, but hey, my boobs are massive! I can afford to lose a few millimetres from one of them :P
One thing I had been warned was that the implant could cause a drop in my sex drive. I hadn't had sex before I got the implant and I never masturbated, so I can't really comment on what my sex drive was like. I didn't really know what I was missing I suppose. I put it down to I couldn't crave something I'd never had. However, I will say this - if this is me with reduced sex drive, God help my poor boyfriend when and if I come off the implant. There's no way he'll be able to keep up with me.
So yeah, all in all, I've found the implant to be brilliant for me. The insertion procedure is really nothing to worry about, and the relatively minor setbacks are outweighed by the positives of not having periods and the feeling shit that came with them, not being pregnant and not having to interrupt sexy times or my life in general to keep it working, nor can I forget to take it like a pill. I'll have to get it replaced in 2012 (and even then, they'll send me a letter to remind me so I don't have to worry about forgetting that), and I'm told that having it removed hurts a tiny bit more than putting it in, but I'm sure I'll survive. It can't hurt any more than giving birth.
Wednesday 24 March 2010
To My Boyfriend: Reasons I Love You
- I hear other couples talking about how their spark has died away after being together as long as we have, but you still make me feel loved as much now as you did at the beginning. If not, more.
- I really can tell you anything, and I tell you so much more than I tell anyone else.
- I'm allowed to and don't feel guilty or embarrassed telling you the things you do which piss me off, and you do your best to fix it (even if I have to tell you a few times).
- You're open to anything sexy I want to try with you, and I don't feel scared to ask.
- You'll stop doing sexy stuff if I'm not enjoying it, even if you are.
- You make me feel confident about myself.
- You put your hand on my leg in the car when we're stopped at traffic lights, and it makes me feel good about myself.
- You make me love my boobs because you love them, even if I don't show them off as much as you'd want me to.
- You're not at all jealous - you'd prefer other guys and the rest of the world to see what an amazing girl your girlfriend is.
- You always say you love me and put kisses on the end of every text.
- You're always wearing one of two facial expressions when you're sucking my nipples: 1 - like you know you're doing something really naughty and you're waiting for me to catch you, or 2 - like it's the sexiest thing in the world.
- You're always really warm and you don't complain (too much) because I'm always really cold. Sorry about my feet though :P
- You're the only person I think I've ever cried in front of and not felt like a complete prat.
- You're unlike anyone else, and you're not like other guys at all. I think I'd have to be single for the rest of my life if I ever broke up with you.
- You're never against going anywhere I suggest
- You're the person I would be if I didn't care what other people thought so much.
- You write stuff like 'Hey sexy lady' in your texts and it makes me all 'I'm a sexy lady! :D'
- One second you're clothed, the next you're naked, and it's fascinating to watch. You don't take ages like me.
- I never feel embarrassed if I haven't shaved properly or if..erm...my fluids are making a mess.
- I don't feel embarrassed about the way I look or sound during an orgasm, even though I probably should lol.
- You make funny observations about things.
- You just seem to be so good at everything, it's not fair.
- I don't feel bad about revealing the parts of my body to you which I don't like.
- The way your dick is all small and innocent when it's not doing anything, and then it's all 'HELLO!' 8D
- You're supportive of whatever I do, whether it's important or not.
- I don't feel too scared to try new things I haven't asked about. I still have to get up the courage sometimes, but I know you'll love it so why am I so scared?
- You buy me sex toys sometimes :D < This is one of the quickest and easiest ways to make me happy
- I can't show my Valentine's card to my parents, but it's so you.
- I can wear sexy lingerie in front of you without worrying that it doesn't suit me or if it makes me look too slutty, because there's no such thing for you.
- In a life or death situation where only one of us can live, you'd be happy to die for me.
- You've said you'd happily die without me, even if I'm not so pessimistic to believe that life could ever not be worth living just because someone else had died. It doesn't mean I love you less, it just means I'm a bit more optimistic and less dramatic :P
- You've completely changed me as a person, and so much for the better. I hate to think what I'd have been like without you, and you feel the same vice versa.
- Even now, I still go back and read our blog and have a good chuckle. I didn't realise it so much then, but all of the angels you created were little bits of you. I wish we could go through it all again, I learnt so much about you and myself through it. Plus, it was hilarious.
- You'll happily go to Rocky Horror in a labcoat and your underwear to see me do the same.
- You read all the books I've written and you're my best source of constructive criticism, even though you're my boyfriend and you should be the worst person I could ask.
- I can show you my cosplay costumes and still feel less of a nerd than you. :D
- You showed me how brown eyes can be beautiful and sexy, even though I didn't like them before.
- When we get our own place, I'm allowed to decorate it however I want.
- I feel happy with who I am and just being myself around you, and I think you're the only person in the world who gets that.
- You love me unconditionally, and I think I feel the same about you. I still reserve the right to get pissed at you if you murder someone or something though.
- You'll happily lie there with me for hours doing nothing while I'm konked out after an orgasm.
- You WILL back down about that dungeon ;)
P.S.
In comparison,
Reasons you annoy me:
- You don't text me enough, and nothing winds me up more than waiting for you to text me.
xXx
Monday 22 March 2010
The GUM clinic and the best period I've ever had
It's only as I started writing this post that I remember how I ended up at the GUM clinic the second time. I decided I was going to make an appointment and I decided that when I had a free day next I was going to head off, have myself a shopping trip and stop by at the GUM clinic to make an appointment. As it was, my mum, deciding she wanted in on a shopping trip, as well as my sisters. Therefore, I spent a good while once we'd arrived trying to ditch them so I could head off to the clinic. It took some work (especially since I often go shopping with my sister so she couldn't understand why I didn't want her coming with me), but eventually got there and got my appointment for the following week. Written on a yellow card, telling me I had an appointment with "Dr Bush"!
It's a strange thing sitting in a waiting room to a GUM clinic. Although it was actually an NHS walk-in centre, so not everyone there was there for sexual reasons, but it's weird looking around at couples sitting there and just thinking.
I'd originally asked my boyfriend to come with me to the appointment, but in the end I decided that I'd rather go on my own. I felt like having to tell stuff to a doctor would feel worse for me with him listening in too, rather than it feeling like he'd be there supporting me. So, I went alone.
Eventually, I was called in to see the doctor. It felt kind of scary at first, since throughout my life I'd rarely ever talked about sex, especially about sex and its relation to me, but the doctor was unbelievably nice.
I explained my situation to the doctor - I have an unbelievably strong gag reflex which renders me pretty much incapable of taking pills, and I didn't believe that I'd really be able to remember to take a pill every day in any case. I'd done some reading online and the contraceptive injection sounded like it might work for me. The doctor asked me if I'd read about the implant, and I hadn't.
As this was my first visit to the clinic, the doctor started by asking me some medical questions about me and my family which might affect my suitability for certain methods - things like if there was any family history of high blood pressure, heart problems, etc etc.
She also asked questions about my sexual habits and my monthly cycle. Let it be known now that up until this point in my life, I had NEVER missed a period. Not once. Except now, I had. I'd only had one period since I'd been with my boyfriend, and we'd been together three months now. She asked if I thought I could be pregnant, but it was practically impossible since my boyfriend hadn't even taken his pants off in front of me yet, let alone had sex. To be sure, she sent me off to the bathroom with a plastic cup from the water cooler (lol!) to pee into so she could do a pregnancy test to be sure.
She did the dip test, then left it to develop. She asked me a few more questions - if I had a partner, if I'd had sex before, if he'd had sex before and so on. I was a virgin but I knew he'd had sex before, so she recommended I get him to have an STD check to be safe.
She brought out a number of leaflets, the first of which was a general leaflet giving an outline of all the different methods available. She drew over them a bit, crossing out the ones which weren't good options, putting question marks over the pill ones since I said I didnt want them but they were options, and putting stars over the injection and the implant, which seemed like my two best options.
She went into detail about the injection and the implant, telling me how they worked, how they're administered, the side effects and so on, and gave me two more leaflets, which went into some detail on them.
By now, the test had come out negative. It was a weight off my mind since I had been a little paranoid, even though I knew that it was so insanely unlikely I was pregnant it wasn't worth thinking about.
From what I've heard afterwards, I think the doctor would have been happy to give me what I wanted there and then, but she wasn't willing to do it given my last missed period. She told me to go away, wait for my next period to come and then phone up to make another appointment as soon as I started bleeding! I was annoyed in a way - as I said, I'd NEVER missed a period before, but I'd missed one now, the only time in my life it really mattered. There was a plus to it though - I could go away and think about what I wanted. I'd gone in pretty sure that I wanted the injection, but the implant was sounding good to me now too.
I went home and read the leaflets from cover to cover, and decided that I wanted the implant. Good, except I had to wait around for my period. I hate periods, but I've never anticipated one as highly as I was anticipating my next one. The worst thing was I didn't even know when my next one might be. I didn't know whether I'd just missed one and my next one would be along when it was due, or if my menstrual cycle had just decided to go on holiday. Maybe my insides were in shock from that fact that sex was not only on my mind, but had a presence on my body as well.
I told my boyfriend about what the doctor had said, recommending him for an STD test. He said he'd never had sex without a condom so he should be alright, but he was brilliant and went for a test anyway. It seems a small thing but I really appreciated that he'd do it for me, even knowing that there was a 99% chance he was clean.
I tried not to think about my missing period, but it was annoying. I hadn't really been ready for sex before, but as time went on and my period still didn't show up, I was starting to get impatient. I was getting closer to the point where I was ready for sex, and not being able to have the implant was beginning to become a barrier.
Then it happened one glorious Saturday. I was at work, it was lunchtime, and as usual the first thing I do is go to the toilet. As I got up, I was pretty sure I saw a little pink on the tissue I'd used to wipe. I was certain, but I tried not to get excited. A tiny bit of incredibly diluted blood does not constitute a period. It could be a false alarm, and I'd be getting my hopes up for nothing.
I tried to forget it, but I felt excited. Was this the period I'd been waiting for for so long now? I went and got my lunch, hung around and did the stuff I do on my lunch break, and just before I was due back, I went back to the toilet again. I am telling you, I've never been so thrilled at the sight and feel of blood in my pants. Really, it was all I could do to work up a smile on my period sometimes. I had a big grin on my face. I was on my period! Woohoo!
I texted my boyfriend. I was so incredibly pleased, like this was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I told him I was feeling crap because my cramps and stuff had all suddenly returned, but I was on my period and it was a glorious day!
I'd been told to phone up the clinic as soon as I got my period to make an appointment, as it's best to start the methods I was looking at while I was on my period. However, the clinic wasn't open Sundays and it was already shut by the time I got my period Saturday afternoon, so it had to wait til Monday. I remember it well. I was at college, and I had to go outside even though it was January and really cold, just to get some privacy so I could phone the clinic. There were a few lads playing football, but they were a bit away and I didn't think they'd bother me. I got my appointment for Thursday.
I texted my boyfriend and told him I had an appointment to get my implant, so he got his ass in gear and made an appointment at the local hospital to get a full STD test.
Thursday came around and I went to my appointment, but I'll save the next section for another time. You've had enough of reading by now and what happened when I got my implant may be a good, self-contained post for other people thinking about the implant. Until next time, I'll just say I love my implant and I really recommend it.
It's a strange thing sitting in a waiting room to a GUM clinic. Although it was actually an NHS walk-in centre, so not everyone there was there for sexual reasons, but it's weird looking around at couples sitting there and just thinking.
I'd originally asked my boyfriend to come with me to the appointment, but in the end I decided that I'd rather go on my own. I felt like having to tell stuff to a doctor would feel worse for me with him listening in too, rather than it feeling like he'd be there supporting me. So, I went alone.
Eventually, I was called in to see the doctor. It felt kind of scary at first, since throughout my life I'd rarely ever talked about sex, especially about sex and its relation to me, but the doctor was unbelievably nice.
I explained my situation to the doctor - I have an unbelievably strong gag reflex which renders me pretty much incapable of taking pills, and I didn't believe that I'd really be able to remember to take a pill every day in any case. I'd done some reading online and the contraceptive injection sounded like it might work for me. The doctor asked me if I'd read about the implant, and I hadn't.
As this was my first visit to the clinic, the doctor started by asking me some medical questions about me and my family which might affect my suitability for certain methods - things like if there was any family history of high blood pressure, heart problems, etc etc.
She also asked questions about my sexual habits and my monthly cycle. Let it be known now that up until this point in my life, I had NEVER missed a period. Not once. Except now, I had. I'd only had one period since I'd been with my boyfriend, and we'd been together three months now. She asked if I thought I could be pregnant, but it was practically impossible since my boyfriend hadn't even taken his pants off in front of me yet, let alone had sex. To be sure, she sent me off to the bathroom with a plastic cup from the water cooler (lol!) to pee into so she could do a pregnancy test to be sure.
She did the dip test, then left it to develop. She asked me a few more questions - if I had a partner, if I'd had sex before, if he'd had sex before and so on. I was a virgin but I knew he'd had sex before, so she recommended I get him to have an STD check to be safe.
She brought out a number of leaflets, the first of which was a general leaflet giving an outline of all the different methods available. She drew over them a bit, crossing out the ones which weren't good options, putting question marks over the pill ones since I said I didnt want them but they were options, and putting stars over the injection and the implant, which seemed like my two best options.
She went into detail about the injection and the implant, telling me how they worked, how they're administered, the side effects and so on, and gave me two more leaflets, which went into some detail on them.
By now, the test had come out negative. It was a weight off my mind since I had been a little paranoid, even though I knew that it was so insanely unlikely I was pregnant it wasn't worth thinking about.
From what I've heard afterwards, I think the doctor would have been happy to give me what I wanted there and then, but she wasn't willing to do it given my last missed period. She told me to go away, wait for my next period to come and then phone up to make another appointment as soon as I started bleeding! I was annoyed in a way - as I said, I'd NEVER missed a period before, but I'd missed one now, the only time in my life it really mattered. There was a plus to it though - I could go away and think about what I wanted. I'd gone in pretty sure that I wanted the injection, but the implant was sounding good to me now too.
I went home and read the leaflets from cover to cover, and decided that I wanted the implant. Good, except I had to wait around for my period. I hate periods, but I've never anticipated one as highly as I was anticipating my next one. The worst thing was I didn't even know when my next one might be. I didn't know whether I'd just missed one and my next one would be along when it was due, or if my menstrual cycle had just decided to go on holiday. Maybe my insides were in shock from that fact that sex was not only on my mind, but had a presence on my body as well.
I told my boyfriend about what the doctor had said, recommending him for an STD test. He said he'd never had sex without a condom so he should be alright, but he was brilliant and went for a test anyway. It seems a small thing but I really appreciated that he'd do it for me, even knowing that there was a 99% chance he was clean.
I tried not to think about my missing period, but it was annoying. I hadn't really been ready for sex before, but as time went on and my period still didn't show up, I was starting to get impatient. I was getting closer to the point where I was ready for sex, and not being able to have the implant was beginning to become a barrier.
Then it happened one glorious Saturday. I was at work, it was lunchtime, and as usual the first thing I do is go to the toilet. As I got up, I was pretty sure I saw a little pink on the tissue I'd used to wipe. I was certain, but I tried not to get excited. A tiny bit of incredibly diluted blood does not constitute a period. It could be a false alarm, and I'd be getting my hopes up for nothing.
I tried to forget it, but I felt excited. Was this the period I'd been waiting for for so long now? I went and got my lunch, hung around and did the stuff I do on my lunch break, and just before I was due back, I went back to the toilet again. I am telling you, I've never been so thrilled at the sight and feel of blood in my pants. Really, it was all I could do to work up a smile on my period sometimes. I had a big grin on my face. I was on my period! Woohoo!
I texted my boyfriend. I was so incredibly pleased, like this was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I told him I was feeling crap because my cramps and stuff had all suddenly returned, but I was on my period and it was a glorious day!
I'd been told to phone up the clinic as soon as I got my period to make an appointment, as it's best to start the methods I was looking at while I was on my period. However, the clinic wasn't open Sundays and it was already shut by the time I got my period Saturday afternoon, so it had to wait til Monday. I remember it well. I was at college, and I had to go outside even though it was January and really cold, just to get some privacy so I could phone the clinic. There were a few lads playing football, but they were a bit away and I didn't think they'd bother me. I got my appointment for Thursday.
I texted my boyfriend and told him I had an appointment to get my implant, so he got his ass in gear and made an appointment at the local hospital to get a full STD test.
Thursday came around and I went to my appointment, but I'll save the next section for another time. You've had enough of reading by now and what happened when I got my implant may be a good, self-contained post for other people thinking about the implant. Until next time, I'll just say I love my implant and I really recommend it.
Sunday 21 March 2010
Dirty Mind
Today, I was doing a crossword. The clues came in the form of chains of three words, all linked by a single word which was the answer. One of these clues was chain, clip, pump. It had me stumped for AGES. My brain found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the answer wasn't 'clitoral'.
As it was, the answer was bicycle. Probably took me half an hour to figure it out.
As it was, the answer was bicycle. Probably took me half an hour to figure it out.
Thursday 18 March 2010
Oral and Fingers
I suppose with all this oral I was getting you could say I was sexually active now. In a way, I sort of look back on that time as a sort of golden age of my sex life. I love the variety of my sex life now, but back then my sex life consisted of oral and nothing but. I loved it. Before this point I never really masturbated, so it was a big change for me, and it was brilliant.
It was terrible when we first used to get in bed though. Hormones raging and all that, I couldn't wait for him to tell me to climb on top of him. It was never really more than 10 minutes but it felt like forever. We spoke about it months later (when I was more mentally stable and not blinded by the excitement of it all) and it turned out he'd felt the same way too, he just wanted to get on it. If I'd known at the time I'd have had no problem just climbing right on top of him the second the door was locked. We're both a bit more stable now and cuddles beforehand are nice. It doesn't feel so much like "CAN WE GET ONTO THE SEX NOW?!?"
I'm not sure how many times I'd had oral before I got my first orgasm, but I don't think it was that many. It was one of the most intense and incredible orgasms I've ever had. I guess it got points for being the first orgasm I'd ever had because orgasms from clit stimulation alone now aren't that great. I suppose there was also an element of it all being new and everything was fantastic because there was still a novelty value to it and I loved everything there was to it.
I don't remember screaming that much, although I imagine I must have because I'm a proper screamer when I orgasm. I do distinctly remember my whole body shaking when I got there, which I don't recall I've had that much of since.
Before I'd ever had an orgasm, I was told not to worry about what they feel like. You'll just know when you have one, and it's totally true. To anyone reading this who hasn't had an orgasm before, trust me. There is no way you can have an orgasm and not know about it.
My sex life consisted of nothing but recieving oral for quite a long time. My boyfriend even did it when I was on my period. He told me it added to the eroticness of it, and I'll never forget him saying that. It almost makes it feel like a shame that I don't get periods any more, thanks to my contraceptive implant.
Over Christmas I discovered the existence of a GUM clinic not too far from me, within an NHS walk-in centre. The GUM clinic wasn't a walk-in thing though; you needed an appointment unless you needed the morning after pill. I bottled it before I made an appointment. It seemed too big and scary, although at this point it was a sign that I wasn't ready for sex yet.
After the first time my boyfriend gave me oral, I started shaving my pubes at his request. At the beginning, I used to spend ages sitting in front of the mirror trying to get myself perfect down there. Now it's just a quick once-over with a razor and that'll do. At this point, it was quite embarrassing getting naked in front of my boyfriend. I could happily lie in bed with him because it felt incredible, but standing in front of him naked was sort of uncomfortable. I could do it, but there was a mental barrier that had been up my whole life of nudity in front of other people. I didn't waste any time between getting my clothes off and climbing under the duvet with him where I was relatively covered. It's not a problem at all now, and funnily enough I don't have much of a problem showing more flesh to other people now too. In my amateur dramatics group, I used to do everything I could to cover myself up in costume changes because that was the way I'd been brought up I suppose, although maybe an issue of self-esteem too. Now I don't have too much of an issue walking around the dressing room full of around 25 people (both men and women of various ages) in my bra trying to find a lost piece of my costume.
On top of oral, my boyfriend's fingers started slipping inside me. We started off with one finger, but it hurt. I wanted to keep going though because I knew my body would get used to it and I wanted to enjoy it, so we kept going. After a while two fingers came in (if I recall correctly, the first time we did that might have been in his car one night), and that really hurt. I wanted to keep going though because I knew when we eventually got around to sex that his penis was gonna be quite a bit thicker than two of his fingers.
In all this time, I'd done nothing to my boyfriend sexually. I just wasn't ready for it, and he gets major points for being fine with that. I like to think I've made up for it since, although I still feel like a bit of an amateur compared to him. He was still wearing his undies in bed when I was naked. I wasn't even ready for that step yet. He goes commando every day now, but he can't remember if at this time he was wearing pants to keep me happy or whether it was something he used to wear every day.
Time went on and slowly, the idea of sex didn't seem like a completely bad idea. I knew I'd have to go back to the GUM clinic and make an appointment, but I'll save that story for another time, as it ended up long and complicated.
It was terrible when we first used to get in bed though. Hormones raging and all that, I couldn't wait for him to tell me to climb on top of him. It was never really more than 10 minutes but it felt like forever. We spoke about it months later (when I was more mentally stable and not blinded by the excitement of it all) and it turned out he'd felt the same way too, he just wanted to get on it. If I'd known at the time I'd have had no problem just climbing right on top of him the second the door was locked. We're both a bit more stable now and cuddles beforehand are nice. It doesn't feel so much like "CAN WE GET ONTO THE SEX NOW?!?"
I'm not sure how many times I'd had oral before I got my first orgasm, but I don't think it was that many. It was one of the most intense and incredible orgasms I've ever had. I guess it got points for being the first orgasm I'd ever had because orgasms from clit stimulation alone now aren't that great. I suppose there was also an element of it all being new and everything was fantastic because there was still a novelty value to it and I loved everything there was to it.
I don't remember screaming that much, although I imagine I must have because I'm a proper screamer when I orgasm. I do distinctly remember my whole body shaking when I got there, which I don't recall I've had that much of since.
Before I'd ever had an orgasm, I was told not to worry about what they feel like. You'll just know when you have one, and it's totally true. To anyone reading this who hasn't had an orgasm before, trust me. There is no way you can have an orgasm and not know about it.
My sex life consisted of nothing but recieving oral for quite a long time. My boyfriend even did it when I was on my period. He told me it added to the eroticness of it, and I'll never forget him saying that. It almost makes it feel like a shame that I don't get periods any more, thanks to my contraceptive implant.
Over Christmas I discovered the existence of a GUM clinic not too far from me, within an NHS walk-in centre. The GUM clinic wasn't a walk-in thing though; you needed an appointment unless you needed the morning after pill. I bottled it before I made an appointment. It seemed too big and scary, although at this point it was a sign that I wasn't ready for sex yet.
After the first time my boyfriend gave me oral, I started shaving my pubes at his request. At the beginning, I used to spend ages sitting in front of the mirror trying to get myself perfect down there. Now it's just a quick once-over with a razor and that'll do. At this point, it was quite embarrassing getting naked in front of my boyfriend. I could happily lie in bed with him because it felt incredible, but standing in front of him naked was sort of uncomfortable. I could do it, but there was a mental barrier that had been up my whole life of nudity in front of other people. I didn't waste any time between getting my clothes off and climbing under the duvet with him where I was relatively covered. It's not a problem at all now, and funnily enough I don't have much of a problem showing more flesh to other people now too. In my amateur dramatics group, I used to do everything I could to cover myself up in costume changes because that was the way I'd been brought up I suppose, although maybe an issue of self-esteem too. Now I don't have too much of an issue walking around the dressing room full of around 25 people (both men and women of various ages) in my bra trying to find a lost piece of my costume.
On top of oral, my boyfriend's fingers started slipping inside me. We started off with one finger, but it hurt. I wanted to keep going though because I knew my body would get used to it and I wanted to enjoy it, so we kept going. After a while two fingers came in (if I recall correctly, the first time we did that might have been in his car one night), and that really hurt. I wanted to keep going though because I knew when we eventually got around to sex that his penis was gonna be quite a bit thicker than two of his fingers.
In all this time, I'd done nothing to my boyfriend sexually. I just wasn't ready for it, and he gets major points for being fine with that. I like to think I've made up for it since, although I still feel like a bit of an amateur compared to him. He was still wearing his undies in bed when I was naked. I wasn't even ready for that step yet. He goes commando every day now, but he can't remember if at this time he was wearing pants to keep me happy or whether it was something he used to wear every day.
Time went on and slowly, the idea of sex didn't seem like a completely bad idea. I knew I'd have to go back to the GUM clinic and make an appointment, but I'll save that story for another time, as it ended up long and complicated.
Two days well spent
The last two days have been pretty cool for me. It's been kind of nostalgic.
My boyfriend was due to come over yesterday after I'd finished college in the afternoon, but an early finish and being able to get a lift back home meant we were with each other by noon. Unfortunately, my boyfriend turned up just as I arrived home to find that we couldn't get in because the door was jammed. My dad had a key for the back door but he was at work half an hour away and wouldn't be able to bring us the back door key until his lunch break.
So, we went and laid down in the grass in my garden. Luckily it was sunny and despite being outside necessitating having our clothes on (it's a shame this didn't happen a week earlier, because my neighbours were away on holiday last week), it was really quite pleasant. It reminded me of when we used to lie down on the grass at college together, except with the semi-privacy of my garden so more exposed flesh. My boyfriend fingered me while we were lying there and it was great. It didn't last very long and wasn't that great physically since he couldnt get access much since I had my trousers on, but it was the naughtiness of being outside and getting fingered.
My boyfriend was due to come over yesterday after I'd finished college in the afternoon, but an early finish and being able to get a lift back home meant we were with each other by noon. Unfortunately, my boyfriend turned up just as I arrived home to find that we couldn't get in because the door was jammed. My dad had a key for the back door but he was at work half an hour away and wouldn't be able to bring us the back door key until his lunch break.
So, we went and laid down in the grass in my garden. Luckily it was sunny and despite being outside necessitating having our clothes on (it's a shame this didn't happen a week earlier, because my neighbours were away on holiday last week), it was really quite pleasant. It reminded me of when we used to lie down on the grass at college together, except with the semi-privacy of my garden so more exposed flesh. My boyfriend fingered me while we were lying there and it was great. It didn't last very long and wasn't that great physically since he couldnt get access much since I had my trousers on, but it was the naughtiness of being outside and getting fingered.
Monday 15 March 2010
Tongues and Nakedness (Getting onto the good stuff now!)
Things continued to advance between us. I was still quite shy but we were advancing quite quickly. I was inexperienced and embarrassed to move things on myself, but I'd regularly send my boyfriend texts (because I was too embarrassed to say these things to his face) that I wanted him to do something to me or saying I was ready for a certain step.
The day after we kissed, I decided I was ready for tongues. We talked about it the night before and was told that one touching their tongue against the other's lip was usually a good way to ask without interrupting a kiss, and touching tongues together was a good way to grant that permission. It's kind of funny to think how tentative it all was at the beginning, because now we don't think anything of just thrusting our tongues down the other's throat.
I don't really remember the first time we did tongues, but I do remember one of the times that day. His teacher had let the whole class go to the library, and since my lesson hadn't started yet, he texted me and we found each other. I quite clearly remember stood on the balcony of the top floor at college getting some tongue action in. I remember because all these lads came and watched us and were making noises like we were some kind of show, but neither of us cared. This was new and exciting and neither of us were going to let something like other people watching put a stop to it.
I remember being in his car with him quite clearly that night. We were doing tongues and I loved it. It was lovely the wet feeling but I felt kind of crap at it. It seemed scary and although I was enjoying it, I somehow found it impossible to move my tongue much. Thankfully I got better at it over time.
Lying in the car together on Tuesday nights became a regular thing. We used to put the passenger seat down and lie one on top of the other, changing positions when it got too much for one of us. I kept a hairband on the zipper of my bag to tie my hair back with so it wouldnt get in the way when we were kissing. One time he took his shirt off in the car and it was absolutely magic.
We hadn't been going out too long before he suggested he come to my place on our shared day off from college. I was really glad he did because I probably wouldnt have gotten up the courage to ask him over for ages yet. Although my parents had met him before we were together, it still seemed scary bringing him over. I don't think I would have been able to get up the courage to go to his house, not at that point.
So, he did come over. We went up into my room, but at this point I had no lock or anything on my door, so I'm guessing we must have just left it that way. I do remember him taking his shirt off and it feeling magic once again, and after a while we went under the covers because he was getting cold, shirtless as it was.
It's sad that in my house I had to take such measures, but after that I bought some rope to tie around my doorhandles to stop other people coming in, and not too long after that I bought some fabric to hang over the gap between my two doors to stop other people in. It was necessary - my youngest sister got a knife and slotted it between the gap and tried to cut through the rope. I dont know if she thought she'd actually get in or if she was just trying to wind us up.
As time went on, clothes started coming off. One day he asked me to take my top off, and I did (it was lucky that I'd randomly decided to shave my armpits that morning, because up until then my philosophy on shaving was don't bother if nobody else is going to see it. Had I not shaved that morning, I wouldn't have). That skin to skin contact was amazing.
I don't know how long we'd been together, but one day we were lying in bed and he asked me if I was ready to take my bra off with him yet. I replied "Not yet..." and he didn't pursue it any further. I instantly thought to myself why did I say that?!? I was ready for that step. I hadn't thought about my answer before I'd just said I wasn't ready yet. I spent the next five minutes trying to get up the courage to take my bra off. Eventually I managed to ask if he wanted me to take my bra off, and he replied only if I felt ready for it. So, the bra came off. It felt incredible.
He was stroking my boobs, although I wanted him to play with them more. I hadn't realised at the time that the positions we were lying in gave him access to approximately one square inch of my boobs. When I eventually said whatever it was that I said that made him tell me he didn't have access, I rolled over so he could have all of my boobs.
I suppose this would have been the first time he sucked my nipples, although I can't remember. This blog has made me realise that I can't remember the first time he did alot of the things that became a staple of our bedroom lives! How terrible. For a good while after he started sucking my nipples I didn't get much out of it. It was weeks, maybe months before my nipples got used to being stimulated and I could really enjoy it. I love it now though, if not for the actual stimulation then the naughty look on his face when he's doing it!
I don't know if it's something a lot of other couples do or if it's just something he does, but he likes to lick my nipples and then blow on them so they're really cold, then taking the whole thing in his mouth and the sudden warmth is too much for me.
I suppose it'll be a test of how regularly he checks back on this blog, but it was actually more torturous when he first started doing it. He tries to make it worse now by blowing on it for too long trying to make it colder, but to tell the truth he blows on it so long that his spit dries up and it stops being so cold. He'd be better off doing like he did when he started off - giving it a quick, strong blast and then jumping in again. I guess I'll see what happens next time we're in the bedroom together ;)
Later, there came a big step when we both made the agreement that we were going to take our trousers off together, and we were lying in bed with just our undies on. At some point I ended up lying on my back with him on his side next to me, running his hand up and down my front. I don't know if he started that way or if he liked his chances as he went on, but I became aware that he was dangerously close to the top of my panties. It felt good, and I subconsciously opened my legs a little. The next thing I know he's fingering me through my pants. It was incredible. My heart was beating so hard inside me. Not especially fast, but definitely hard. I remember looking up at him and he was just looking down on me smiling, looking down on my like some benevolent god of sex.
It felt great, but I was ready to move onto the next step. After a few minutes I started trying to get up the courage to slide my pants down and let him get direct access. After several more minutes I did. It was great, although to tell the truth I preferred it when it was through my panties at the time. It points to my taste in vibrators now - I prefer big chunky vibes that I can use to put pressure on a wider area.
Eventually he stopped because his hands were hurting, and he told me that if I wanted any more then he'd be using his tongue next time, then he lay down again. I lay there for what seemed like ages willing him to do it with his tongue. I wanted it so badly. Luckily it wasn't long before he was up again and down in between my legs, but with his tongue this time. It was pure brilliance. Even after everything we've done since, oral remains my favourite and I don't get anywhere near enough of it.
It was fantastic, but there were several bits where he got pubes in his mouth lol. This had been completely unexpected so I'd done nothing to tidy myself up or get myself especially clean or any of the things I sort of take as a given now. I remember kissing him later on when it was time for him to go home. It tasted...strongly.
We talked that night on MSN about how brilliant and unexpected it had all been. He mentioned the term oral sex and it was completely unbelievable. It didn't seem quite so big when it had just been him licking me, but oral SEX...wow. I hadn't thought of it that way.
The following night I spoke to him on MSN again. He'd spent the day at work with an aching hand, wondering if you could get RSI from fingering someone.
The day after we kissed, I decided I was ready for tongues. We talked about it the night before and was told that one touching their tongue against the other's lip was usually a good way to ask without interrupting a kiss, and touching tongues together was a good way to grant that permission. It's kind of funny to think how tentative it all was at the beginning, because now we don't think anything of just thrusting our tongues down the other's throat.
I don't really remember the first time we did tongues, but I do remember one of the times that day. His teacher had let the whole class go to the library, and since my lesson hadn't started yet, he texted me and we found each other. I quite clearly remember stood on the balcony of the top floor at college getting some tongue action in. I remember because all these lads came and watched us and were making noises like we were some kind of show, but neither of us cared. This was new and exciting and neither of us were going to let something like other people watching put a stop to it.
I remember being in his car with him quite clearly that night. We were doing tongues and I loved it. It was lovely the wet feeling but I felt kind of crap at it. It seemed scary and although I was enjoying it, I somehow found it impossible to move my tongue much. Thankfully I got better at it over time.
Lying in the car together on Tuesday nights became a regular thing. We used to put the passenger seat down and lie one on top of the other, changing positions when it got too much for one of us. I kept a hairband on the zipper of my bag to tie my hair back with so it wouldnt get in the way when we were kissing. One time he took his shirt off in the car and it was absolutely magic.
We hadn't been going out too long before he suggested he come to my place on our shared day off from college. I was really glad he did because I probably wouldnt have gotten up the courage to ask him over for ages yet. Although my parents had met him before we were together, it still seemed scary bringing him over. I don't think I would have been able to get up the courage to go to his house, not at that point.
So, he did come over. We went up into my room, but at this point I had no lock or anything on my door, so I'm guessing we must have just left it that way. I do remember him taking his shirt off and it feeling magic once again, and after a while we went under the covers because he was getting cold, shirtless as it was.
It's sad that in my house I had to take such measures, but after that I bought some rope to tie around my doorhandles to stop other people coming in, and not too long after that I bought some fabric to hang over the gap between my two doors to stop other people in. It was necessary - my youngest sister got a knife and slotted it between the gap and tried to cut through the rope. I dont know if she thought she'd actually get in or if she was just trying to wind us up.
As time went on, clothes started coming off. One day he asked me to take my top off, and I did (it was lucky that I'd randomly decided to shave my armpits that morning, because up until then my philosophy on shaving was don't bother if nobody else is going to see it. Had I not shaved that morning, I wouldn't have). That skin to skin contact was amazing.
I don't know how long we'd been together, but one day we were lying in bed and he asked me if I was ready to take my bra off with him yet. I replied "Not yet..." and he didn't pursue it any further. I instantly thought to myself why did I say that?!? I was ready for that step. I hadn't thought about my answer before I'd just said I wasn't ready yet. I spent the next five minutes trying to get up the courage to take my bra off. Eventually I managed to ask if he wanted me to take my bra off, and he replied only if I felt ready for it. So, the bra came off. It felt incredible.
He was stroking my boobs, although I wanted him to play with them more. I hadn't realised at the time that the positions we were lying in gave him access to approximately one square inch of my boobs. When I eventually said whatever it was that I said that made him tell me he didn't have access, I rolled over so he could have all of my boobs.
I suppose this would have been the first time he sucked my nipples, although I can't remember. This blog has made me realise that I can't remember the first time he did alot of the things that became a staple of our bedroom lives! How terrible. For a good while after he started sucking my nipples I didn't get much out of it. It was weeks, maybe months before my nipples got used to being stimulated and I could really enjoy it. I love it now though, if not for the actual stimulation then the naughty look on his face when he's doing it!
I don't know if it's something a lot of other couples do or if it's just something he does, but he likes to lick my nipples and then blow on them so they're really cold, then taking the whole thing in his mouth and the sudden warmth is too much for me.
I suppose it'll be a test of how regularly he checks back on this blog, but it was actually more torturous when he first started doing it. He tries to make it worse now by blowing on it for too long trying to make it colder, but to tell the truth he blows on it so long that his spit dries up and it stops being so cold. He'd be better off doing like he did when he started off - giving it a quick, strong blast and then jumping in again. I guess I'll see what happens next time we're in the bedroom together ;)
Later, there came a big step when we both made the agreement that we were going to take our trousers off together, and we were lying in bed with just our undies on. At some point I ended up lying on my back with him on his side next to me, running his hand up and down my front. I don't know if he started that way or if he liked his chances as he went on, but I became aware that he was dangerously close to the top of my panties. It felt good, and I subconsciously opened my legs a little. The next thing I know he's fingering me through my pants. It was incredible. My heart was beating so hard inside me. Not especially fast, but definitely hard. I remember looking up at him and he was just looking down on me smiling, looking down on my like some benevolent god of sex.
It felt great, but I was ready to move onto the next step. After a few minutes I started trying to get up the courage to slide my pants down and let him get direct access. After several more minutes I did. It was great, although to tell the truth I preferred it when it was through my panties at the time. It points to my taste in vibrators now - I prefer big chunky vibes that I can use to put pressure on a wider area.
Eventually he stopped because his hands were hurting, and he told me that if I wanted any more then he'd be using his tongue next time, then he lay down again. I lay there for what seemed like ages willing him to do it with his tongue. I wanted it so badly. Luckily it wasn't long before he was up again and down in between my legs, but with his tongue this time. It was pure brilliance. Even after everything we've done since, oral remains my favourite and I don't get anywhere near enough of it.
It was fantastic, but there were several bits where he got pubes in his mouth lol. This had been completely unexpected so I'd done nothing to tidy myself up or get myself especially clean or any of the things I sort of take as a given now. I remember kissing him later on when it was time for him to go home. It tasted...strongly.
We talked that night on MSN about how brilliant and unexpected it had all been. He mentioned the term oral sex and it was completely unbelievable. It didn't seem quite so big when it had just been him licking me, but oral SEX...wow. I hadn't thought of it that way.
The following night I spoke to him on MSN again. He'd spent the day at work with an aching hand, wondering if you could get RSI from fingering someone.
Saturday 13 March 2010
First kisses, I love you and embarrassing other people
After that intermission, back onto my story.
I don't really remember much of the second proper day we were together because there was alot of stuff that happened at the beginning that happened so quickly I find it difficult to place it chronologically. I do remember the next week though. Our college schedules meant that we only saw each other on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and the wait between parting on Wednesday night to seeing each other again on Tuesday morning was terrible.
My family already knew my boyfriend before we'd got together, so that made things somewhat easier, although we kept it all quiet for the moment since I just didn't know how I was gonna tell my parents.
My oldest younger sister was a different matter though. She'd been getting suspicious, and so to quell that, me and my boyfriend got on a three-way MSN conversation where we were so over the top with each other that it convinced my sister that we couldn't possibly be together because we were being stupid. I then tried to convince her that we were together, but we'd done the job, and she said we weren't. She said if we were really together, she wanted to see us kiss to prove it.
By the next time I saw my boyfriend, we'd talked and I'd found that I felt ready for my first ever kiss. It felt scary, but I wanted to do it. Plus, I'd been given this from my sister. Okay, I was not the kind of person who would kiss a guy before I was ready because of something that stupid, and I'd never waste my first kiss like that. But, I was ready and this proposition from my sister was going to give me the courage and reason to get up the courage to do what I wanted to do anyway.
I talked with my boyfriend and told him I was ready. I knew I'd find it difficult to get up the courage though because it was my first kiss, and he had quite a bit more experience than me, so it was scary. I told him that when we were cuddled up, he might have to physically move me into a position and kiss me because I'd find it difficult to get the courage.
So, that lunchtime, me and my boyfriend went to the college library and snuggled up in one of the sofas in the reading areas where nobody else was sat. I was cuddled against him with my face against his neck, and I realised then that I didn't want my first kiss to be him forcing me into it, even though I'd given him permission to do that previously. So, heart hammering inside me, I started slowly working my way up his neck. He told me later that he realised what I was doing so just let me do what I wanted to do and felt I was ready for. Eventually I managed to work my way up to his mouth and we kissed.
I can't remember what my first kiss actually felt like. There was a string of kisses, but I cant really remember what they felt like up until maybe the fourth or fifth. My mind was sort of in shock, and it took me a few seconds to be able to take anything in. I remember taking note of the feeling of his lips against mine and it felt completely unreal.
Then the librarian came and kicked us out lol. I suppose it depends on what your definition of a kiss is, and whether a kiss is a single kiss, or whether a kiss can be a series of them, but it's still funny to think that my first kiss got interrupted by a librarian who told us to leave.
So, we went outside and lay down on the grass, which was nice. I remember at one point my boyfriend asked "Did you enjoy your first kiss?" to which I answered "Yeah..."
I've never asked him what was going through his mind then. Although I'd broken the barrier of having that first kiss, going in again for a second seemed scary, and we didn't kiss while we were out on the grass. I don't recall us saying anything much, actually. I still wonder now if he was worrying that I didnt like my first kiss or something because I didnt kiss him while we were outside. It's just that question he asked, it made me wonder. Perhaps I'll get an answer as a result of this blog post.
Eventually the time came for us to head back inside as his next lesson would be starting again soon. We went back inside and I managed to get up the courage to kiss him again. It wasn't much less scarier than the first time.
At one point, I found myself looking at him and without thinking the words 'I love you' came spilling out. There are a few moments in my life where I'd pay large amounts of money for a photograph of certain person's facial expressions, and this was one of them. To this day, I dont think I've ever seen him so happy. I'm sure he said he loved me back, although it's kind of bad to think that I can't really remember properly. I was kind of shocked that those words had come out of my mouth. Not that I didn't mean them, but they'd come out of my mouth without me thinking about it.
As a side note, a few months later, one of my friends told me one night he was really happy because he'd just told his girlfriend he loved her, and she said she loved him back, and it was a really big thing. It made me wonder and had me kind of shocked because me and my boyfriend had hardly been going out any time at all before we reached that point. In fact, we'd told each other we loved each other before we were going out. That's how it came to be. Even now, I'm not sure which version represents the norm.
Back on topic, that night. I'm part of an amateur dramatics group, and I had a rehearsal that night and every Tuesday night. In any case, we weren't at the stage where we would go to each others' houses yet anyway. My bus ride home from college consists of two parts, while he had a car, so it became routine that we met up after college, he'd take me the first leg of my bus ride home, we'd park up in the car park and enjoy each other until it was time for the latest bus that would get me home and to my rehearsal on time, as it was from here that our homes were in two different directions.
We went down to the college lobby for a bit before we left college in the hopes that my sister would walk past, but we didn't see her. It was also this day that I'd texted my boyfriend that I felt like I wanted him to do something to my neck, and he started kissing it. It still feels great now, but back then it was completely new to me. Every time he did it, it felt like my neck was having an orgasm.
Anyway, we kissed and stuff, and then headed back to his car where we drove the first leg of my journey, enjoyed ourselves in the car until it was time for my bus. When he walked me to my bus we were a few minutes early, and it was now we found my sister already on the same bus. So, we went up, knocked on the window where she sat and did a long, exciting kiss. She was insanely embarrassed. This is another one of those times I'd pay big money for a photo of the facial expression. She went bright red, she put her book in front of her face, all the other bus passengers were all looking, it was fantastic!
We talked about it once I was on the bus. Apparently she'd seen us in the lobby all over each other so it wasnt a surprise to her, but it was still embarrassing for her on the bus. I realised now that she was going to tell my parents and they would know. This was kind of bad, b ut in a way I was glad because it meant I wouldn't have to tell them. Me being out that night at rehearsal was a good thing because I wouldnt have to be there to answer their questions at first, but the sucky part was a road closure meant that the journey there with my dad took three times longer than it normally would have. Plus it was dark, and I couldn't text my boyfriend because the light from my phone would distract my dad from driving.
On the plus side, I was kind of glad that night that it was one of the shows I've been in where I've had a relatively small part, since it meant that I got some good time that night to text my boyfriend at rehearsal.
I don't really remember much of the second proper day we were together because there was alot of stuff that happened at the beginning that happened so quickly I find it difficult to place it chronologically. I do remember the next week though. Our college schedules meant that we only saw each other on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and the wait between parting on Wednesday night to seeing each other again on Tuesday morning was terrible.
My family already knew my boyfriend before we'd got together, so that made things somewhat easier, although we kept it all quiet for the moment since I just didn't know how I was gonna tell my parents.
My oldest younger sister was a different matter though. She'd been getting suspicious, and so to quell that, me and my boyfriend got on a three-way MSN conversation where we were so over the top with each other that it convinced my sister that we couldn't possibly be together because we were being stupid. I then tried to convince her that we were together, but we'd done the job, and she said we weren't. She said if we were really together, she wanted to see us kiss to prove it.
By the next time I saw my boyfriend, we'd talked and I'd found that I felt ready for my first ever kiss. It felt scary, but I wanted to do it. Plus, I'd been given this from my sister. Okay, I was not the kind of person who would kiss a guy before I was ready because of something that stupid, and I'd never waste my first kiss like that. But, I was ready and this proposition from my sister was going to give me the courage and reason to get up the courage to do what I wanted to do anyway.
I talked with my boyfriend and told him I was ready. I knew I'd find it difficult to get up the courage though because it was my first kiss, and he had quite a bit more experience than me, so it was scary. I told him that when we were cuddled up, he might have to physically move me into a position and kiss me because I'd find it difficult to get the courage.
So, that lunchtime, me and my boyfriend went to the college library and snuggled up in one of the sofas in the reading areas where nobody else was sat. I was cuddled against him with my face against his neck, and I realised then that I didn't want my first kiss to be him forcing me into it, even though I'd given him permission to do that previously. So, heart hammering inside me, I started slowly working my way up his neck. He told me later that he realised what I was doing so just let me do what I wanted to do and felt I was ready for. Eventually I managed to work my way up to his mouth and we kissed.
I can't remember what my first kiss actually felt like. There was a string of kisses, but I cant really remember what they felt like up until maybe the fourth or fifth. My mind was sort of in shock, and it took me a few seconds to be able to take anything in. I remember taking note of the feeling of his lips against mine and it felt completely unreal.
Then the librarian came and kicked us out lol. I suppose it depends on what your definition of a kiss is, and whether a kiss is a single kiss, or whether a kiss can be a series of them, but it's still funny to think that my first kiss got interrupted by a librarian who told us to leave.
So, we went outside and lay down on the grass, which was nice. I remember at one point my boyfriend asked "Did you enjoy your first kiss?" to which I answered "Yeah..."
I've never asked him what was going through his mind then. Although I'd broken the barrier of having that first kiss, going in again for a second seemed scary, and we didn't kiss while we were out on the grass. I don't recall us saying anything much, actually. I still wonder now if he was worrying that I didnt like my first kiss or something because I didnt kiss him while we were outside. It's just that question he asked, it made me wonder. Perhaps I'll get an answer as a result of this blog post.
Eventually the time came for us to head back inside as his next lesson would be starting again soon. We went back inside and I managed to get up the courage to kiss him again. It wasn't much less scarier than the first time.
At one point, I found myself looking at him and without thinking the words 'I love you' came spilling out. There are a few moments in my life where I'd pay large amounts of money for a photograph of certain person's facial expressions, and this was one of them. To this day, I dont think I've ever seen him so happy. I'm sure he said he loved me back, although it's kind of bad to think that I can't really remember properly. I was kind of shocked that those words had come out of my mouth. Not that I didn't mean them, but they'd come out of my mouth without me thinking about it.
As a side note, a few months later, one of my friends told me one night he was really happy because he'd just told his girlfriend he loved her, and she said she loved him back, and it was a really big thing. It made me wonder and had me kind of shocked because me and my boyfriend had hardly been going out any time at all before we reached that point. In fact, we'd told each other we loved each other before we were going out. That's how it came to be. Even now, I'm not sure which version represents the norm.
Back on topic, that night. I'm part of an amateur dramatics group, and I had a rehearsal that night and every Tuesday night. In any case, we weren't at the stage where we would go to each others' houses yet anyway. My bus ride home from college consists of two parts, while he had a car, so it became routine that we met up after college, he'd take me the first leg of my bus ride home, we'd park up in the car park and enjoy each other until it was time for the latest bus that would get me home and to my rehearsal on time, as it was from here that our homes were in two different directions.
We went down to the college lobby for a bit before we left college in the hopes that my sister would walk past, but we didn't see her. It was also this day that I'd texted my boyfriend that I felt like I wanted him to do something to my neck, and he started kissing it. It still feels great now, but back then it was completely new to me. Every time he did it, it felt like my neck was having an orgasm.
Anyway, we kissed and stuff, and then headed back to his car where we drove the first leg of my journey, enjoyed ourselves in the car until it was time for my bus. When he walked me to my bus we were a few minutes early, and it was now we found my sister already on the same bus. So, we went up, knocked on the window where she sat and did a long, exciting kiss. She was insanely embarrassed. This is another one of those times I'd pay big money for a photo of the facial expression. She went bright red, she put her book in front of her face, all the other bus passengers were all looking, it was fantastic!
We talked about it once I was on the bus. Apparently she'd seen us in the lobby all over each other so it wasnt a surprise to her, but it was still embarrassing for her on the bus. I realised now that she was going to tell my parents and they would know. This was kind of bad, b ut in a way I was glad because it meant I wouldn't have to tell them. Me being out that night at rehearsal was a good thing because I wouldnt have to be there to answer their questions at first, but the sucky part was a road closure meant that the journey there with my dad took three times longer than it normally would have. Plus it was dark, and I couldn't text my boyfriend because the light from my phone would distract my dad from driving.
On the plus side, I was kind of glad that night that it was one of the shows I've been in where I've had a relatively small part, since it meant that I got some good time that night to text my boyfriend at rehearsal.
Friday 12 March 2010
Reverse Psychology
I'm not having a good day. I got a text this morning from my boyfriend telling me he wouldn't be over. I'm really missing him, but in a way I'm glad. Sorry if it's TMI, but I've got something inside me that's causing me discomfort whenever anything gets inserted, whether it's a toy or an actual penis. I dont know how it happened, but it must be a tear or a cut or something because the pain comes in quite a specific place. I've decided I'm not going to use toys for a bit to see if it heals on its own, since seeing a doctor isn't pleasant and its inconvenient. I'll do it if I have to, but I'll give my body a chance to fix itself first.
So, in a way I was glad, because him not coming over meant no sex, which meant I could leave my insides alone and give them some more time to heal. However, sitting here at my computer, I'm majorly turned on and the temptation to get the toys out is unbearable. I know I'll regret it if I do it because it'll aggrevate it and it wont heal so quickly, and it probably won't be that pleasurable either, but it's the reverse psychology. I dont get my toys out that often because I dont get the urge that often, but sitting here knowing I can't get the toys out leaves me gagging for it. Sigh...
So, in a way I was glad, because him not coming over meant no sex, which meant I could leave my insides alone and give them some more time to heal. However, sitting here at my computer, I'm majorly turned on and the temptation to get the toys out is unbearable. I know I'll regret it if I do it because it'll aggrevate it and it wont heal so quickly, and it probably won't be that pleasurable either, but it's the reverse psychology. I dont get my toys out that often because I dont get the urge that often, but sitting here knowing I can't get the toys out leaves me gagging for it. Sigh...
Thursday 11 March 2010
An observation of myself and the younger generation
As those who know me will already know, I'm a student who went back to college after obtaining a university degree. Generally, I find that the age gap between me and my classmates is bigger than it seems (as in, we seem more alike than our 5-6 years difference should allow for), but every now and then something happens and I just think...wow.
Today was easily the weirdest and most hilarious experience of my life. We were actually watching porn on one of my classmates' laptop during breaktime, although for the comedy factor of how bad it was rather than getting off on it.
There was a long conversation that followed that moved onto how we'd feel about our partners making out with someone else, just in general and for the purposes of making a (non-pornographic) film. They all seemed to be instant dumpage, and the guys would beat up the guy who was kissing their girlfriend. I told them all that my boyfriend would probably enjoy watching. They all told me I was wrong and he'd want to beat up the other guy, but I asked my boyfriend later and I was right. He would enjoy watching me kiss and even having sex with someone else.
There are special circumstances surrounding our relationship giving his polyamorism, and although I dont really subscribe to it, when asked I couldn't honestly say that I would go as nuts as everyone else said they would if they caught their partner. Some of the girls involved said they get jealous over hugs. I have a sister the same age, and she is insanely jealous over the tinest things, even things that aren't there.
I dont know whether its an age thing or what, but there seems to be a major difference between me when I was their age, them at their age now, and my attitudes at the age of 23.
Maybe it was my surroundings, but when I was 17-18, it was rare that I ever heard anyone at my sixth form talk about sex, whereas now it seems commonplace to announce to everyone else what you've been up to lately, especially if you're going to complain about it. I was a slow bloomer, so I dont know whether when I was that age, my other classmates were doing it but just not talking about it.
However, despite this openness about sex and the amount they seem to be doing it, they seem to be quite predictable and vanilla. Perhaps hanging around the LoveHoney forums has changed me, but it really showed me how open-minded I am. As far as I'm aware, it's all standard sex for them, whether that be with their partners or anyone they can pick up at a club. For the girls, there's lots of jealousy if their guys even hug another girl for too long.
There's been talk of things like swingers and stuff in class, and they generally all seem weirded out by the idea. While I've never done that, or anything similar like having a threesome, I'm open-minded. The reason I may say no to it would be practical or emotional issues, and I'd take it into careful consideration. It would not be an automatic no just because it seems deviant. I think I'm different in that my time at the LoveHoney forums continues to bring new sexual concepts to me in an open-minded environment, and I can consider them open-mindedly without being judged. I think about them, whereas I'm sure they say yes or no to something based on whether it's the norm or if they've seen or heard of it in porn.
They're a strange bunch. They seem a combination of pure emotion and easy sexual pleasure, but only as far as the norm is concerned. The most deviant they go sexually is oral sex. Considering they're all at the age where hormones are flying and everything is sex (which it really is if you listen to their conversations), they're vanilla. It's all just standard sex. I might not be having sex all the time like I'm sure they do, but I'm open-minded! I dont know if it's me being a bit older or just different to them, but I have toys, I do bondage, try different positions, have experimented with anal and am open to most ideas my partner could give me.
I just find it weird that since they're all after as much sexual pleasure as they can get, they're quite close-minded or perhaps short-sighted in how they get it.
Today was easily the weirdest and most hilarious experience of my life. We were actually watching porn on one of my classmates' laptop during breaktime, although for the comedy factor of how bad it was rather than getting off on it.
There was a long conversation that followed that moved onto how we'd feel about our partners making out with someone else, just in general and for the purposes of making a (non-pornographic) film. They all seemed to be instant dumpage, and the guys would beat up the guy who was kissing their girlfriend. I told them all that my boyfriend would probably enjoy watching. They all told me I was wrong and he'd want to beat up the other guy, but I asked my boyfriend later and I was right. He would enjoy watching me kiss and even having sex with someone else.
There are special circumstances surrounding our relationship giving his polyamorism, and although I dont really subscribe to it, when asked I couldn't honestly say that I would go as nuts as everyone else said they would if they caught their partner. Some of the girls involved said they get jealous over hugs. I have a sister the same age, and she is insanely jealous over the tinest things, even things that aren't there.
I dont know whether its an age thing or what, but there seems to be a major difference between me when I was their age, them at their age now, and my attitudes at the age of 23.
Maybe it was my surroundings, but when I was 17-18, it was rare that I ever heard anyone at my sixth form talk about sex, whereas now it seems commonplace to announce to everyone else what you've been up to lately, especially if you're going to complain about it. I was a slow bloomer, so I dont know whether when I was that age, my other classmates were doing it but just not talking about it.
However, despite this openness about sex and the amount they seem to be doing it, they seem to be quite predictable and vanilla. Perhaps hanging around the LoveHoney forums has changed me, but it really showed me how open-minded I am. As far as I'm aware, it's all standard sex for them, whether that be with their partners or anyone they can pick up at a club. For the girls, there's lots of jealousy if their guys even hug another girl for too long.
There's been talk of things like swingers and stuff in class, and they generally all seem weirded out by the idea. While I've never done that, or anything similar like having a threesome, I'm open-minded. The reason I may say no to it would be practical or emotional issues, and I'd take it into careful consideration. It would not be an automatic no just because it seems deviant. I think I'm different in that my time at the LoveHoney forums continues to bring new sexual concepts to me in an open-minded environment, and I can consider them open-mindedly without being judged. I think about them, whereas I'm sure they say yes or no to something based on whether it's the norm or if they've seen or heard of it in porn.
They're a strange bunch. They seem a combination of pure emotion and easy sexual pleasure, but only as far as the norm is concerned. The most deviant they go sexually is oral sex. Considering they're all at the age where hormones are flying and everything is sex (which it really is if you listen to their conversations), they're vanilla. It's all just standard sex. I might not be having sex all the time like I'm sure they do, but I'm open-minded! I dont know if it's me being a bit older or just different to them, but I have toys, I do bondage, try different positions, have experimented with anal and am open to most ideas my partner could give me.
I just find it weird that since they're all after as much sexual pleasure as they can get, they're quite close-minded or perhaps short-sighted in how they get it.
Wednesday 10 March 2010
Now I had a boyfriend....
My life seemed completely surreal. The thought of me having a boyfriend was incredibly weird. I'd almost resigned myself to the fact I was just going to be alone forever because that's the way I was, so having a boyfriend just didn't seem real. Don't get me wrong - I didn't feel it was too good to be true. I don't wish to sound arrogant and I didnt mean it in such a way, but I felt we both deserved each other.
I spoke to him online once I got home from work that Sunday night, although at the time he had a weekend job that wore him out and he generally went to sleep as soon as he got home, so it was almost a great privelege that he spent a while talking to me on MSN, even though it wouldnt have been as long as I would have liked. I don't remember what we talked about really, although I do remember him telling me that he found it difficult to believe what was happening like I had. He'd been wondering if someone had stolen my phone and I hadn't sent those texts at all, because it seemed unlike me. He also told me that if I changed my mind about wanting him as my boyfriend then I should say so. I imagined how much that would suck for him if I did feel that way and called an end to it, but it proved something that after having spent six years chasing me, he would still rather me walk away than be in a relationship with him that I didn't feel comfortable about. Obviously we're still together so it never came to that, but it was nice to know if I did change my mind, I could get out without having to feel too bad about it.
One memory that did stick in my mind was at the end when he was going to sign off. He told me something along the lines of 'Ow wow, I can write those kisses now! xXx' I didn't say anything at the time, but it sort of felt weird because we hadn't kissed yet. It was sort of uncomfortable, although I didn't say anything because it was probably because I was new to all this, and I knew that once we did start kissing I'd probably love it when he put kisses at the end of texts and MSN conversations (and I was right).
The next day when I was at college (he had Mondays off) we spent so long texting each other, being all lovey dovey. I missed one of my buses home so I went to the nearby KFC and I can remember texting him all kind of stuff while getting grease all over my phone keys (nice!). As a side note, in the long time we've been together and we've gotten KFC a few times, I always eat way too much and then laze about telling him I'm fat and I feel sick lol. It's almost become a tradition now. You really shouldn't eat KFC in front of your partner. There is no way to eat it without looking like a total pig. Alternatively, you can look stupid by using a knife and fork.
Back on topic...
Tuesday rolled around, and I was beginning to really shit myself. I was so nervous about seeing him. It was easy to tell him I loved him and stuff over MSN or text, but him being there seemed scary. We'd arranged to meet at lunchtime, and I was praying I wasn't going to bump into him at breaktime before that. I needed the time to mentally prepare myself. Lunchtime was at 12.30, and I can remember that once it got past 12 noticing every minute that went by on my computer screen. I was really scared! I didn't think I'd ever be able to get up the courage to do this. I had to though. Again, it was a case of it not being like I would walk away because it seemed too scary.
We'd arranged to meet outside the common room, which was just around the corner from my classroom and a little bit further away from his. However, I was a few minutes late getting out of my class so I was sure that he'd be there waiting for me, and I wasn't sure what to do or say to him. There was a door leading outside to the common room, out of view. as I went to turn that corner I stopped. I was terrified! What was I going to do when I saw him?
I got up the courage and stepped outside. As I got around that corner I saw that he wasn't there yet. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed that I was going to have to stand there waiting for him with all that nervousness again, and what was I going to do when I saw him coming around the corner? Later reports told me that when he did come around the corner, he was scared because I was already there.
I think I smiled when he came, although it was an unreal moment and my memory is kind of hazy to be honest! I remember putting my arms out to hug him and we did (and it was the best hug we'd ever had), but it was cold so it didn't last too long, and we went inside. We sat down next to each other and I still didn't know what to do or say. I kept telling him how nervous I was feeling and he told me I shouldn't be, but it was crazy. I was sat in the common room with my boyfriend! I really wanted to hug him again, but I didn't have the guts to do it myself or ask him to do it, and I think he was wary of taking steps that I wasn't ready for so we just sat there.
His next lesson started before mine, so we went back to where his lesson was in advance and stood there and hugged. It felt amazing. It was a proper long hug, and it was an intimate hug rather than a cuddle. I'd never had anything like this before in my life, so it was just out of this world. Every now and then he'd move his hands and the heat it sent through my clothes and onto my skin was just incredible.
As his classmates arrived for their class, we got a nice few comments as they walked past, but as the months passed I never stopped finding them funny. I'm told than when it was time for us to part and he went into his class he got a round of applause, to which he bowed and then flipped them off. It was a move so typical of him.
I managed to sneak away to see him on afternoon break. Over the months, I dont know how my tutor never managed to realise that I disappeared every Tuesday at 2.45. I think I had an edge above everyone else in my class that I actually got on with work 95% of the time, so maybe she did notice but just didn't care.
At breaktime that afternoon, we stood there and hugged for the whole 15 minutes. It was brilliant. Our legs hurt by the end and it started getting uncomfortable to be stood there, but it was still brilliant. At some point he started putting his hands on my bum (he may or may not have asked permission to do that, I can't remember), and that was amazing. It was like my bum was an erogenous zone!
I'd been really scared beforehand about seeing him and what would happen, but even though we hadn't even had a proper hour of time together since we'd been an item, I already felt that I couldn't live without this now and every second meant nothing apart from being one second closer to seeing him again.
I spoke to him online once I got home from work that Sunday night, although at the time he had a weekend job that wore him out and he generally went to sleep as soon as he got home, so it was almost a great privelege that he spent a while talking to me on MSN, even though it wouldnt have been as long as I would have liked. I don't remember what we talked about really, although I do remember him telling me that he found it difficult to believe what was happening like I had. He'd been wondering if someone had stolen my phone and I hadn't sent those texts at all, because it seemed unlike me. He also told me that if I changed my mind about wanting him as my boyfriend then I should say so. I imagined how much that would suck for him if I did feel that way and called an end to it, but it proved something that after having spent six years chasing me, he would still rather me walk away than be in a relationship with him that I didn't feel comfortable about. Obviously we're still together so it never came to that, but it was nice to know if I did change my mind, I could get out without having to feel too bad about it.
One memory that did stick in my mind was at the end when he was going to sign off. He told me something along the lines of 'Ow wow, I can write those kisses now! xXx' I didn't say anything at the time, but it sort of felt weird because we hadn't kissed yet. It was sort of uncomfortable, although I didn't say anything because it was probably because I was new to all this, and I knew that once we did start kissing I'd probably love it when he put kisses at the end of texts and MSN conversations (and I was right).
The next day when I was at college (he had Mondays off) we spent so long texting each other, being all lovey dovey. I missed one of my buses home so I went to the nearby KFC and I can remember texting him all kind of stuff while getting grease all over my phone keys (nice!). As a side note, in the long time we've been together and we've gotten KFC a few times, I always eat way too much and then laze about telling him I'm fat and I feel sick lol. It's almost become a tradition now. You really shouldn't eat KFC in front of your partner. There is no way to eat it without looking like a total pig. Alternatively, you can look stupid by using a knife and fork.
Back on topic...
Tuesday rolled around, and I was beginning to really shit myself. I was so nervous about seeing him. It was easy to tell him I loved him and stuff over MSN or text, but him being there seemed scary. We'd arranged to meet at lunchtime, and I was praying I wasn't going to bump into him at breaktime before that. I needed the time to mentally prepare myself. Lunchtime was at 12.30, and I can remember that once it got past 12 noticing every minute that went by on my computer screen. I was really scared! I didn't think I'd ever be able to get up the courage to do this. I had to though. Again, it was a case of it not being like I would walk away because it seemed too scary.
We'd arranged to meet outside the common room, which was just around the corner from my classroom and a little bit further away from his. However, I was a few minutes late getting out of my class so I was sure that he'd be there waiting for me, and I wasn't sure what to do or say to him. There was a door leading outside to the common room, out of view. as I went to turn that corner I stopped. I was terrified! What was I going to do when I saw him?
I got up the courage and stepped outside. As I got around that corner I saw that he wasn't there yet. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed that I was going to have to stand there waiting for him with all that nervousness again, and what was I going to do when I saw him coming around the corner? Later reports told me that when he did come around the corner, he was scared because I was already there.
I think I smiled when he came, although it was an unreal moment and my memory is kind of hazy to be honest! I remember putting my arms out to hug him and we did (and it was the best hug we'd ever had), but it was cold so it didn't last too long, and we went inside. We sat down next to each other and I still didn't know what to do or say. I kept telling him how nervous I was feeling and he told me I shouldn't be, but it was crazy. I was sat in the common room with my boyfriend! I really wanted to hug him again, but I didn't have the guts to do it myself or ask him to do it, and I think he was wary of taking steps that I wasn't ready for so we just sat there.
His next lesson started before mine, so we went back to where his lesson was in advance and stood there and hugged. It felt amazing. It was a proper long hug, and it was an intimate hug rather than a cuddle. I'd never had anything like this before in my life, so it was just out of this world. Every now and then he'd move his hands and the heat it sent through my clothes and onto my skin was just incredible.
As his classmates arrived for their class, we got a nice few comments as they walked past, but as the months passed I never stopped finding them funny. I'm told than when it was time for us to part and he went into his class he got a round of applause, to which he bowed and then flipped them off. It was a move so typical of him.
I managed to sneak away to see him on afternoon break. Over the months, I dont know how my tutor never managed to realise that I disappeared every Tuesday at 2.45. I think I had an edge above everyone else in my class that I actually got on with work 95% of the time, so maybe she did notice but just didn't care.
At breaktime that afternoon, we stood there and hugged for the whole 15 minutes. It was brilliant. Our legs hurt by the end and it started getting uncomfortable to be stood there, but it was still brilliant. At some point he started putting his hands on my bum (he may or may not have asked permission to do that, I can't remember), and that was amazing. It was like my bum was an erogenous zone!
I'd been really scared beforehand about seeing him and what would happen, but even though we hadn't even had a proper hour of time together since we'd been an item, I already felt that I couldn't live without this now and every second meant nothing apart from being one second closer to seeing him again.
Monday 8 March 2010
How I managed to get me a boyfriend (It's a long story!)
I had my reasons, but I was picky. I wasn't going to just settle for anyone because it seemed that was what most of the other people I knew had done and it hadnt really worked out for them. I was probably almost into my twenties before I started getting any kind of sex drive, but I was never going to let that be the excuse for a one night stand, let alone a relationship. I always been a loner to some extent, so it didnt bother me not having a boyfriend at all. The most 'contact' I'd ever had with a boy was a hug as part of a school play and one time when my friend told another male friend to slap my ass.
I spent a long time convinced I was going to die single and a virgin. I could never see where I was going to find a boyfriend. I've never been into going out places even when I have people to go with, so I never saw where I was going to meet someone. If I was still single now, it wouldn't bother me, but it felt kind of depressing that I was going to spend my future adult life living on my own. But again, it was an issue of not settling because the idea was depressing.
Anyway, things happened in my life. Guy number three from my Teenage Years post (the guy who became my boyfriend, so I suppose I should come up with some alias for him to refer to him by to allow me to remain anonymous online. He'll probably say he wants to be called The Emperor or something to do with Hitler though lol).
When we first started talking, there was alot of bad stuff that happened. It's kind of a dark time that I dont really like to think about much. He did some stuff to trick me into talking to him and me being a naive teenager fell for it. Bad stuff, but we've both dramatically changed as people and got on good terms again which was what made a relationship between us possible.
We spoke online a lot and really got to know each other. Over time we realised we were quite similar, and at the same time we sort of moulded to become more like each other. He started off as quite arrogant, always right and superior to everyone else. Me, I was shy, lacking confidence and extremely introverted. The more we spoke, we brought out the positive aspects in each other and are now sort of close to the middle. We're both glad, because neither of us liked the people we would have become if we had lived separate lives. He would have turned into a right asshole (he's admitted this himself) and I would have been forever hiding in the corner and ignored by all.
We haven't completely changed though. He's still always right, but at least I have the guts now to argue back and make him see sense in my points, even if he doesn't agree. I get acknowledged at least. I'm a hell of a lot more confident in myself too, and I'm thinking more outside the box. I think about what my opinions on things really are, and alot of them might be quite controversial. I'm not being spoonfed opinions and beliefs from the rest of society. I like to think I'm much more objective, although I do still feel like I'm a bit naive about things (I get that from my mum).
As time got on, we started having alot of debates about different topics, alot of them being religion and politics. He liked to think he's God, and I'm still not really sure whether he's serious about this. At least I get to be his goddess with him though.
As a side of this, he sent me a copy of an email exchange he'd had with one of his college friends in which he was acting as God and his friend was asking him questions. It was quite funny and just typically him. I'm a writer and I loved the idea, so I asked permission to steal the idea and write a book of it at a later date. I sort of realised though that I didnt have it in me to write it on my own. I thought about it and suggested a collaboration where he could play God and I'd play a fictional girl we could play about with. And so, the blog was born. If he still had time for it it'd still be going. It was tremendous fun but he got lazy. :P
Although it was fiction, it was a great tool in getting to know each other. His God character was highly logical and spoke the truth rather than being affected by emotions or social pressures or anything else at all times, and the angel Gabriel who played a big role had liberal opinions on sex to say the least. I thought Gabriel was hilarious at the time, but it wasnt until me and my boyfriend got sexy together that I realised Gabriel wasn't so much of an act - it really wasnt far from the way he thought.
Me on the other hand, I played the character of Poppy, who was a confused young girl who had gone to God for answers and gotten something else entirely. She was extremely introverted and in need of help. Although I was certainly different from that, it was an exaggeration of the way I used to be. If we're going to read into this, you could almost say that the story of God helping Poppy to develop was almost mirroring the process that we'd been through together.
Through this blog, we had some great discussions together about different things through our characters, much more at length than we normally would have done through MSN. We got closer to each other through this blog. So much so, he even managed to get me to meet up with him, which I can tell you was a MAJOR step. True, it was kind of awkward when it happened. I didnt know what to say so I just blabbed on for ages about nothing, while he was just him and said nothing, just listened. It's kind of embarrassing to think about now, but I'm glad it happened.
A few months later, I found myself at the same college as him. I'd graduated from university but found my course just wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Another degree was way too expensive for me and I didnt want to do another three years, so I went back to college. I didn't pick this college because of him, but I dont really remember looking at any others. I think he might have had a subconscious influence on my choice, although I guess it was a good thing that the college he was at had a course I wanted to do.
We were both at the same college, so we started meeting up at lunchtimes on the one day a week we shared. I was major nervous the first day it happened, but I was at least glad we'd had that previous meeting because it meant it wasnt the first time I'd seen him in years.
Again, it felt awkward. I just didn't know what to say. It was nice to have someone to spend time with though. He was the only person I'd ever met I felt I had a kind of affinity for, someone who was like me. I just wish I could have known what to say. We used to spend our time on the computers browsing the internet. I felt it was a kind of crutch because I didnt know what else to say.
Later on though, he texted me saying he wanted to ask me something. He was embarrassed to ask, but he felt like he wanted to hug me and asked if it was alright. I said that was alright, and thus came the tradition that we hugged each other each time we parted.
This was the catalyst that really set things off. When we were sat there on the computers, I'd start craving hugs. Really craving. I wanted physical contact, and specifically from him. And it was pretty much every time I
saw him. I had NEVER had these kind of feelings before, and I knew it was something special because they were all directed at him and wasn't the result of some kind of hormonal urge I had.
Eventually, I realised that I might be in love with him. It was a big realisation for me. It was a shock! I thought about it, and there was definitely something serious about it because the thought of having him as a boyfriend wasnt just bearable, it was quite a nice thought!
I held onto these thoughts though. I decided that I was going to wait until I saw him again, and see if I still felt the same way when I was in his presence. As it happened, I was so nervous about it that I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. He actually noticed and pointed this out (although he had no idea what was going through my mind), so I made a point of looking at him then when I spoke to him, but that felt even worse. I came away from the encounter feeling that I had been wrong. You can't love someone if you can't even bear to look at them.
I'm not sure how long it was before I realised that maybe the nervousness might have been a good thing. I hadn't gone in and thought "No, I was completely wrong. I don't love you at all."
I started taking him seriously as a potential partner. He had the personality and we both got along well. We had reasonably similar interests. Not all of them were the same, but they weren't so alien as to be incompatible. I have a degree in Computing so somtimes I understand the computer stuff he goes on about (lol), and he enjoys seeing pictures of the cosplay costumes I make. He was completely unjudging so I never felt stupid in front of him (which has led onto quite an exciting sex life now we're together).
Downsides: There seemed to be a lot of awkward silences between us, but I wasn't even sure that he felt they were awkward - it may well have just been me because he's the quiet type and doesn't say much. Also, I didnt feel that physically attracted to him. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this in a place where he will be reading this, but it was the truth to begin with. However, this proved a point even more, that it was him and the way he was to me that made me see potential in him, and it wasn't some kind of crush I had based on the way he looked. At one point I'd managed to wangle a 20 minute hug out of him as a joke, and although it was more like 20 seconds (and I was the one who pulled away because I felt awkward that he wanted to pull away but felt he couldn't, although I know now that was far from the case) it proved to me that I was comfortable having physical contact with him for longer than the fleeting, friendly hugs we'd been having up to that point. Even the idea of sex with him didn't seem a bad thing. I don't think I've ever told him this before, but I felt that for a long time, long, long before I had these romantic feelings for him, that if my sexual urges got so bad I had to experience sex, I would have gone to him.
There were many other factors which led me to believe that I loved him and I could really see a relationship with him working out. And perhaps even more importantly, I was sure that if I asked him out and he said no, or a relationship did happen and we broke up, I wasn't going to lose his friendship (like I had seen in so many of my old friends which had put me off relationships).
I did have a slight issue though. Since the dark times between us, he'd stopped telling me how much he fancied me and so on. Even when I asked him, he said he was over me, so could I convince him to be my boyfriend? I'd regretted letting my sister get hold of his MSN address all that time ago, but it paid off years later because he spoke to her, and he said that he did still have feelings for me. True, my sister may have been lying, but I was sure that it was actually him lying to me because he didnt want his feelings scaring me off like they had done before. I was pretty sure I had at least a chance with him. He's also polyamorist (which I'm sure will be the topic of another post later on), and although I thought he was single, his beliefs meant that it didn't matter if he wasn't because he could still have me. I probably deserve points for being able to live with such a controversial view like that too.
I determined that I was going to ask him out. It was so hard though. I couldn't get up the courage to do it. Every week I said I'd do it next week. Half term rolled around and I said I couldnt do it then because it'd be ages before I saw him so I'd do it the week after half term, but I still couldnt get up the courage then. I coudnt decide whether to do it to his face or in some electronic texual format. Face to face meant I had to see his facial expressions, the pressure of an instant reply and the instant embarrassment and awkwardness if he said no. Texting meant the awful wait for his reply, and the overwhelming nervousness/embarrassment of the next time I saw him, no matter what his answer was. Still, this wasnt the reason it took me so long to answer him. I was just nervous and scared, although of nothing in particular. It was special though, because I knew I had to do it eventually. I'd regret it forever if I let him get away.
The 9th of November 2008 was a Sunday, and I was sat at work in my little kiosk. I had a load of free phone credit that would disappear at midnight so I might as well use it. I started sending some pisstaking jokes to J and forwarding them to the guy who would be my boyfriend. I'd made up a story for J about how I had a boyfriend and he'd asked me to marry him and I didn't know what to do. This sparked off a conversation between me and my bf about what would happen if all this was true. I started dropping a few 'hints' at him, although I still have a copy of all these texts and they are extremely obvious and highly embarrassing. I SUCK at dropping hints! If I'd stook under his window and serenaded him, it would have been less obvious. It had the desired effect though.
I eventually got a text telling me that if I meant what I was saying then I could consider myself asked out. YEAH! I'd managed to get us to that point without the torture of asking myself!
I did stare into space for a few moments. I couldn't believe what was happening and I didnt know what to say. I then realised that I'd been wanting this for ages and I still did, so just answer because it's not like I was ever going to say no. I texted back and it became official that we were an item at 17:19. I then proceeded to spend the final 41 minutes of work walking around like a loon with a big grin on my face, but my phone battery had died so I couldnt text any more. I managed to get one more text saying for him to be online that night, which he was and we talked. I think my opening few lines featured 'Oh God' quite a few times.
But I had my first ever boyfriend. It felt completely surreal. I mean, me, 21, with a boyfriend! I thought I'd never have one! Wow! And at around 12:30 on Tuesday I was going to see him. Oh God...
What I learnt from this, and what I would pass onto other people from my experience is this:
I spent a long time convinced I was going to die single and a virgin. I could never see where I was going to find a boyfriend. I've never been into going out places even when I have people to go with, so I never saw where I was going to meet someone. If I was still single now, it wouldn't bother me, but it felt kind of depressing that I was going to spend my future adult life living on my own. But again, it was an issue of not settling because the idea was depressing.
Anyway, things happened in my life. Guy number three from my Teenage Years post (the guy who became my boyfriend, so I suppose I should come up with some alias for him to refer to him by to allow me to remain anonymous online. He'll probably say he wants to be called The Emperor or something to do with Hitler though lol).
When we first started talking, there was alot of bad stuff that happened. It's kind of a dark time that I dont really like to think about much. He did some stuff to trick me into talking to him and me being a naive teenager fell for it. Bad stuff, but we've both dramatically changed as people and got on good terms again which was what made a relationship between us possible.
We spoke online a lot and really got to know each other. Over time we realised we were quite similar, and at the same time we sort of moulded to become more like each other. He started off as quite arrogant, always right and superior to everyone else. Me, I was shy, lacking confidence and extremely introverted. The more we spoke, we brought out the positive aspects in each other and are now sort of close to the middle. We're both glad, because neither of us liked the people we would have become if we had lived separate lives. He would have turned into a right asshole (he's admitted this himself) and I would have been forever hiding in the corner and ignored by all.
We haven't completely changed though. He's still always right, but at least I have the guts now to argue back and make him see sense in my points, even if he doesn't agree. I get acknowledged at least. I'm a hell of a lot more confident in myself too, and I'm thinking more outside the box. I think about what my opinions on things really are, and alot of them might be quite controversial. I'm not being spoonfed opinions and beliefs from the rest of society. I like to think I'm much more objective, although I do still feel like I'm a bit naive about things (I get that from my mum).
As time got on, we started having alot of debates about different topics, alot of them being religion and politics. He liked to think he's God, and I'm still not really sure whether he's serious about this. At least I get to be his goddess with him though.
As a side of this, he sent me a copy of an email exchange he'd had with one of his college friends in which he was acting as God and his friend was asking him questions. It was quite funny and just typically him. I'm a writer and I loved the idea, so I asked permission to steal the idea and write a book of it at a later date. I sort of realised though that I didnt have it in me to write it on my own. I thought about it and suggested a collaboration where he could play God and I'd play a fictional girl we could play about with. And so, the blog was born. If he still had time for it it'd still be going. It was tremendous fun but he got lazy. :P
Although it was fiction, it was a great tool in getting to know each other. His God character was highly logical and spoke the truth rather than being affected by emotions or social pressures or anything else at all times, and the angel Gabriel who played a big role had liberal opinions on sex to say the least. I thought Gabriel was hilarious at the time, but it wasnt until me and my boyfriend got sexy together that I realised Gabriel wasn't so much of an act - it really wasnt far from the way he thought.
Me on the other hand, I played the character of Poppy, who was a confused young girl who had gone to God for answers and gotten something else entirely. She was extremely introverted and in need of help. Although I was certainly different from that, it was an exaggeration of the way I used to be. If we're going to read into this, you could almost say that the story of God helping Poppy to develop was almost mirroring the process that we'd been through together.
Through this blog, we had some great discussions together about different things through our characters, much more at length than we normally would have done through MSN. We got closer to each other through this blog. So much so, he even managed to get me to meet up with him, which I can tell you was a MAJOR step. True, it was kind of awkward when it happened. I didnt know what to say so I just blabbed on for ages about nothing, while he was just him and said nothing, just listened. It's kind of embarrassing to think about now, but I'm glad it happened.
A few months later, I found myself at the same college as him. I'd graduated from university but found my course just wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Another degree was way too expensive for me and I didnt want to do another three years, so I went back to college. I didn't pick this college because of him, but I dont really remember looking at any others. I think he might have had a subconscious influence on my choice, although I guess it was a good thing that the college he was at had a course I wanted to do.
We were both at the same college, so we started meeting up at lunchtimes on the one day a week we shared. I was major nervous the first day it happened, but I was at least glad we'd had that previous meeting because it meant it wasnt the first time I'd seen him in years.
Again, it felt awkward. I just didn't know what to say. It was nice to have someone to spend time with though. He was the only person I'd ever met I felt I had a kind of affinity for, someone who was like me. I just wish I could have known what to say. We used to spend our time on the computers browsing the internet. I felt it was a kind of crutch because I didnt know what else to say.
Later on though, he texted me saying he wanted to ask me something. He was embarrassed to ask, but he felt like he wanted to hug me and asked if it was alright. I said that was alright, and thus came the tradition that we hugged each other each time we parted.
This was the catalyst that really set things off. When we were sat there on the computers, I'd start craving hugs. Really craving. I wanted physical contact, and specifically from him. And it was pretty much every time I
saw him. I had NEVER had these kind of feelings before, and I knew it was something special because they were all directed at him and wasn't the result of some kind of hormonal urge I had.
Eventually, I realised that I might be in love with him. It was a big realisation for me. It was a shock! I thought about it, and there was definitely something serious about it because the thought of having him as a boyfriend wasnt just bearable, it was quite a nice thought!
I held onto these thoughts though. I decided that I was going to wait until I saw him again, and see if I still felt the same way when I was in his presence. As it happened, I was so nervous about it that I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. He actually noticed and pointed this out (although he had no idea what was going through my mind), so I made a point of looking at him then when I spoke to him, but that felt even worse. I came away from the encounter feeling that I had been wrong. You can't love someone if you can't even bear to look at them.
I'm not sure how long it was before I realised that maybe the nervousness might have been a good thing. I hadn't gone in and thought "No, I was completely wrong. I don't love you at all."
I started taking him seriously as a potential partner. He had the personality and we both got along well. We had reasonably similar interests. Not all of them were the same, but they weren't so alien as to be incompatible. I have a degree in Computing so somtimes I understand the computer stuff he goes on about (lol), and he enjoys seeing pictures of the cosplay costumes I make. He was completely unjudging so I never felt stupid in front of him (which has led onto quite an exciting sex life now we're together).
Downsides: There seemed to be a lot of awkward silences between us, but I wasn't even sure that he felt they were awkward - it may well have just been me because he's the quiet type and doesn't say much. Also, I didnt feel that physically attracted to him. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this in a place where he will be reading this, but it was the truth to begin with. However, this proved a point even more, that it was him and the way he was to me that made me see potential in him, and it wasn't some kind of crush I had based on the way he looked. At one point I'd managed to wangle a 20 minute hug out of him as a joke, and although it was more like 20 seconds (and I was the one who pulled away because I felt awkward that he wanted to pull away but felt he couldn't, although I know now that was far from the case) it proved to me that I was comfortable having physical contact with him for longer than the fleeting, friendly hugs we'd been having up to that point. Even the idea of sex with him didn't seem a bad thing. I don't think I've ever told him this before, but I felt that for a long time, long, long before I had these romantic feelings for him, that if my sexual urges got so bad I had to experience sex, I would have gone to him.
There were many other factors which led me to believe that I loved him and I could really see a relationship with him working out. And perhaps even more importantly, I was sure that if I asked him out and he said no, or a relationship did happen and we broke up, I wasn't going to lose his friendship (like I had seen in so many of my old friends which had put me off relationships).
I did have a slight issue though. Since the dark times between us, he'd stopped telling me how much he fancied me and so on. Even when I asked him, he said he was over me, so could I convince him to be my boyfriend? I'd regretted letting my sister get hold of his MSN address all that time ago, but it paid off years later because he spoke to her, and he said that he did still have feelings for me. True, my sister may have been lying, but I was sure that it was actually him lying to me because he didnt want his feelings scaring me off like they had done before. I was pretty sure I had at least a chance with him. He's also polyamorist (which I'm sure will be the topic of another post later on), and although I thought he was single, his beliefs meant that it didn't matter if he wasn't because he could still have me. I probably deserve points for being able to live with such a controversial view like that too.
I determined that I was going to ask him out. It was so hard though. I couldn't get up the courage to do it. Every week I said I'd do it next week. Half term rolled around and I said I couldnt do it then because it'd be ages before I saw him so I'd do it the week after half term, but I still couldnt get up the courage then. I coudnt decide whether to do it to his face or in some electronic texual format. Face to face meant I had to see his facial expressions, the pressure of an instant reply and the instant embarrassment and awkwardness if he said no. Texting meant the awful wait for his reply, and the overwhelming nervousness/embarrassment of the next time I saw him, no matter what his answer was. Still, this wasnt the reason it took me so long to answer him. I was just nervous and scared, although of nothing in particular. It was special though, because I knew I had to do it eventually. I'd regret it forever if I let him get away.
The 9th of November 2008 was a Sunday, and I was sat at work in my little kiosk. I had a load of free phone credit that would disappear at midnight so I might as well use it. I started sending some pisstaking jokes to J and forwarding them to the guy who would be my boyfriend. I'd made up a story for J about how I had a boyfriend and he'd asked me to marry him and I didn't know what to do. This sparked off a conversation between me and my bf about what would happen if all this was true. I started dropping a few 'hints' at him, although I still have a copy of all these texts and they are extremely obvious and highly embarrassing. I SUCK at dropping hints! If I'd stook under his window and serenaded him, it would have been less obvious. It had the desired effect though.
I eventually got a text telling me that if I meant what I was saying then I could consider myself asked out. YEAH! I'd managed to get us to that point without the torture of asking myself!
I did stare into space for a few moments. I couldn't believe what was happening and I didnt know what to say. I then realised that I'd been wanting this for ages and I still did, so just answer because it's not like I was ever going to say no. I texted back and it became official that we were an item at 17:19. I then proceeded to spend the final 41 minutes of work walking around like a loon with a big grin on my face, but my phone battery had died so I couldnt text any more. I managed to get one more text saying for him to be online that night, which he was and we talked. I think my opening few lines featured 'Oh God' quite a few times.
But I had my first ever boyfriend. It felt completely surreal. I mean, me, 21, with a boyfriend! I thought I'd never have one! Wow! And at around 12:30 on Tuesday I was going to see him. Oh God...
What I learnt from this, and what I would pass onto other people from my experience is this:
- You don't need to 'look' for a partner. They will appear when the time is right, and deliberately looking will often end in settling.
- Don't let your phone battery run out. I'm so paranoid about what might not have happened if my battery had died earlier than it did that I carry a spare in my purse. Okay, we would have continued when I got home and phone plugged in, and neither of us would have let the conversation end where it did because we both knew where it was going, but it still scares me. I'm never going to chance something good not happening again because of a dead battery.
- The person you'll end up with might be closer than you think, even if its someone you previously really didn't like.
- In my next life, I will be giving more hugs. I like to hope we would have happened anyway, but I can't see how I would have realised the physical as well as the mental want for him if he hadn't started hugging me.
Sunday 7 March 2010
Little nugget of info
'J', the guy I talked about in my previous post texted me this week to inform me he was back in the county for the week, and I was expecting for him to turn up at work this weekend. As it was, he didn't show (or at least didn't come find me). Anyway, I texted my boyfriend today to tell him how much I was dreading seeing J and about my LoveHoney grab bag I ordered and all the sex toys I'm expecting. As I was sending it, J's name was underneath my boyfriend's in recently used contacts. I realised then that if I had accidentally sent that text to J instead of my boyfriend, I would have been more embarrassed that I'd let J know I didn't want to see him than my haul of sex toys coming through the post!
I'm sure that had I been into toys a year or two ago, this would have been totally the opposite, and I think it says something about me now.
I'm sure that had I been into toys a year or two ago, this would have been totally the opposite, and I think it says something about me now.
Saturday 6 March 2010
The Chasers
I debated whether to go off on a tangent and talk about my toys, but I decided I want to post in a chronological order.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, as I got to the late teens and beyond, there wasn't a lack of guys throwing themselves at me, but I turned them all down. I was completely not ready for a relationship.
Apart from not being ready for a relationship, there was a common problem between most of these guys. I dont believe in love at first sight (which probably warrants another blog post later on), and since I wasn't going to throw myself at just anyone (because as I said, I wanted to be sure any relationship I got into would work out), asking me out before they'd got to know me or even spoken to me properly wasn't going to go down well. Some of them, I'm actually quite embarrassed about. My total disinterest in boys at the time meant I had no idea of how to let them down gently. It often meant lies and being blunt which resulted in hurt feelings. I wish I could have let some of them down a bit gentler because I know now how much guts it takes to ask someone out, but I can't change the past.
There are three guys I can particularly remember (although there were others). One of them worked at a shop just down from where I work, and I used to go in there almost every weekend to buy lunch. I heard on the grapevine that he liked me, but I wasn't really sure who this person was everyone was telling me about! Well, I went in there one day to buy lunch and he followed me out and told me his feelings. By God, it was awkward. And it goes to show how important it is to get to know a person beforehand, because although it did actually turn out we had some common interests (we're on reasonable terms now), our personalities were in conflict and it would never have worked out as a relationship.
The second to this day remains a legend at my workplace. There was a guy at work (we'll call him J) and he was extremely popular in an unpopular way, if that makes any sense at all. He had learning difficulties (although I'm still one of only a few who knows this) and he had his sights set on me. The thing was, this guy had actually got to know me quite well and we were quite friendly and got on. The trouble was, he was mistaking my friendliness for something more. He had this thing where he rated the girls at work in a kind of heirarchy which was a bit of a joke amongst the staff, and I ended up working my way up to number one. One evening just before work was over, he asked me out. Of course I had no interest in him and I said no, although the way he asked it I hadnt realised he was being serious, so I broke the poor guy's heart. I wish the story could have ended there, but he didn't take no for an answer, and he never got it into his head that I had absolutely no interest in him. Cue an endless amount of awkward conversations where he talked about how he thinks we had something between us. I'm sure he still thinks that now, even though we're both with other people. I didnt want to be mean, and there was no way I could get him to realise that I had never and would never have any romantic interest in him and know that I was serious about it. Thankfully, he ended up leaving and now lives at the other end of the country.
The third guy is also another long and interesting story involving a fair amount of lies, deception and awkward moments. This guy actually did some really hurtful things to me along the way. But, we both changed as people over the years. We kept in touch and this guy became my first and current boyfriend. Again, I think this goes to show something. I know I wouldnt have said yes to him at the time because I just wasn't ready or wanting a relationship, but had he spoke to me and gotten to know me before jumping in and asking me out, I'd have realised we were actually pretty similar and he'd have increased his chances considerably if he'd taken the time to get to know me. We're both glad I said no because we wouldnt have what we have now, but it does prove a point.
Although there were alot of bad things that happened between us at the beginning, I'm kind of glad it happened. Had it not, we wouldnt be together now, and it scares me to think how easily we might never have met or been in touch with each other.
So, I suppose guys chasing after me isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it works out for the best later on (try six years later - that was the time between his initial asking me out and actually getting me to say yes), but I get extremely intimidated by other guys telling me they have feelings for me, which isn't the best way to go in trying to start a relationship with me, especially if I hardly know you.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, as I got to the late teens and beyond, there wasn't a lack of guys throwing themselves at me, but I turned them all down. I was completely not ready for a relationship.
Apart from not being ready for a relationship, there was a common problem between most of these guys. I dont believe in love at first sight (which probably warrants another blog post later on), and since I wasn't going to throw myself at just anyone (because as I said, I wanted to be sure any relationship I got into would work out), asking me out before they'd got to know me or even spoken to me properly wasn't going to go down well. Some of them, I'm actually quite embarrassed about. My total disinterest in boys at the time meant I had no idea of how to let them down gently. It often meant lies and being blunt which resulted in hurt feelings. I wish I could have let some of them down a bit gentler because I know now how much guts it takes to ask someone out, but I can't change the past.
There are three guys I can particularly remember (although there were others). One of them worked at a shop just down from where I work, and I used to go in there almost every weekend to buy lunch. I heard on the grapevine that he liked me, but I wasn't really sure who this person was everyone was telling me about! Well, I went in there one day to buy lunch and he followed me out and told me his feelings. By God, it was awkward. And it goes to show how important it is to get to know a person beforehand, because although it did actually turn out we had some common interests (we're on reasonable terms now), our personalities were in conflict and it would never have worked out as a relationship.
The second to this day remains a legend at my workplace. There was a guy at work (we'll call him J) and he was extremely popular in an unpopular way, if that makes any sense at all. He had learning difficulties (although I'm still one of only a few who knows this) and he had his sights set on me. The thing was, this guy had actually got to know me quite well and we were quite friendly and got on. The trouble was, he was mistaking my friendliness for something more. He had this thing where he rated the girls at work in a kind of heirarchy which was a bit of a joke amongst the staff, and I ended up working my way up to number one. One evening just before work was over, he asked me out. Of course I had no interest in him and I said no, although the way he asked it I hadnt realised he was being serious, so I broke the poor guy's heart. I wish the story could have ended there, but he didn't take no for an answer, and he never got it into his head that I had absolutely no interest in him. Cue an endless amount of awkward conversations where he talked about how he thinks we had something between us. I'm sure he still thinks that now, even though we're both with other people. I didnt want to be mean, and there was no way I could get him to realise that I had never and would never have any romantic interest in him and know that I was serious about it. Thankfully, he ended up leaving and now lives at the other end of the country.
The third guy is also another long and interesting story involving a fair amount of lies, deception and awkward moments. This guy actually did some really hurtful things to me along the way. But, we both changed as people over the years. We kept in touch and this guy became my first and current boyfriend. Again, I think this goes to show something. I know I wouldnt have said yes to him at the time because I just wasn't ready or wanting a relationship, but had he spoke to me and gotten to know me before jumping in and asking me out, I'd have realised we were actually pretty similar and he'd have increased his chances considerably if he'd taken the time to get to know me. We're both glad I said no because we wouldnt have what we have now, but it does prove a point.
Although there were alot of bad things that happened between us at the beginning, I'm kind of glad it happened. Had it not, we wouldnt be together now, and it scares me to think how easily we might never have met or been in touch with each other.
So, I suppose guys chasing after me isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it works out for the best later on (try six years later - that was the time between his initial asking me out and actually getting me to say yes), but I get extremely intimidated by other guys telling me they have feelings for me, which isn't the best way to go in trying to start a relationship with me, especially if I hardly know you.
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