I spent a long time convinced I was going to die single and a virgin. I could never see where I was going to find a boyfriend. I've never been into going out places even when I have people to go with, so I never saw where I was going to meet someone. If I was still single now, it wouldn't bother me, but it felt kind of depressing that I was going to spend my future adult life living on my own. But again, it was an issue of not settling because the idea was depressing.
Anyway, things happened in my life. Guy number three from my Teenage Years post (the guy who became my boyfriend, so I suppose I should come up with some alias for him to refer to him by to allow me to remain anonymous online. He'll probably say he wants to be called The Emperor or something to do with Hitler though lol).
When we first started talking, there was alot of bad stuff that happened. It's kind of a dark time that I dont really like to think about much. He did some stuff to trick me into talking to him and me being a naive teenager fell for it. Bad stuff, but we've both dramatically changed as people and got on good terms again which was what made a relationship between us possible.
We spoke online a lot and really got to know each other. Over time we realised we were quite similar, and at the same time we sort of moulded to become more like each other. He started off as quite arrogant, always right and superior to everyone else. Me, I was shy, lacking confidence and extremely introverted. The more we spoke, we brought out the positive aspects in each other and are now sort of close to the middle. We're both glad, because neither of us liked the people we would have become if we had lived separate lives. He would have turned into a right asshole (he's admitted this himself) and I would have been forever hiding in the corner and ignored by all.
We haven't completely changed though. He's still always right, but at least I have the guts now to argue back and make him see sense in my points, even if he doesn't agree. I get acknowledged at least. I'm a hell of a lot more confident in myself too, and I'm thinking more outside the box. I think about what my opinions on things really are, and alot of them might be quite controversial. I'm not being spoonfed opinions and beliefs from the rest of society. I like to think I'm much more objective, although I do still feel like I'm a bit naive about things (I get that from my mum).
As time got on, we started having alot of debates about different topics, alot of them being religion and politics. He liked to think he's God, and I'm still not really sure whether he's serious about this. At least I get to be his goddess with him though.
As a side of this, he sent me a copy of an email exchange he'd had with one of his college friends in which he was acting as God and his friend was asking him questions. It was quite funny and just typically him. I'm a writer and I loved the idea, so I asked permission to steal the idea and write a book of it at a later date. I sort of realised though that I didnt have it in me to write it on my own. I thought about it and suggested a collaboration where he could play God and I'd play a fictional girl we could play about with. And so, the blog was born. If he still had time for it it'd still be going. It was tremendous fun but he got lazy. :P
Although it was fiction, it was a great tool in getting to know each other. His God character was highly logical and spoke the truth rather than being affected by emotions or social pressures or anything else at all times, and the angel Gabriel who played a big role had liberal opinions on sex to say the least. I thought Gabriel was hilarious at the time, but it wasnt until me and my boyfriend got sexy together that I realised Gabriel wasn't so much of an act - it really wasnt far from the way he thought.
Me on the other hand, I played the character of Poppy, who was a confused young girl who had gone to God for answers and gotten something else entirely. She was extremely introverted and in need of help. Although I was certainly different from that, it was an exaggeration of the way I used to be. If we're going to read into this, you could almost say that the story of God helping Poppy to develop was almost mirroring the process that we'd been through together.
Through this blog, we had some great discussions together about different things through our characters, much more at length than we normally would have done through MSN. We got closer to each other through this blog. So much so, he even managed to get me to meet up with him, which I can tell you was a MAJOR step. True, it was kind of awkward when it happened. I didnt know what to say so I just blabbed on for ages about nothing, while he was just him and said nothing, just listened. It's kind of embarrassing to think about now, but I'm glad it happened.
A few months later, I found myself at the same college as him. I'd graduated from university but found my course just wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Another degree was way too expensive for me and I didnt want to do another three years, so I went back to college. I didn't pick this college because of him, but I dont really remember looking at any others. I think he might have had a subconscious influence on my choice, although I guess it was a good thing that the college he was at had a course I wanted to do.
We were both at the same college, so we started meeting up at lunchtimes on the one day a week we shared. I was major nervous the first day it happened, but I was at least glad we'd had that previous meeting because it meant it wasnt the first time I'd seen him in years.
Again, it felt awkward. I just didn't know what to say. It was nice to have someone to spend time with though. He was the only person I'd ever met I felt I had a kind of affinity for, someone who was like me. I just wish I could have known what to say. We used to spend our time on the computers browsing the internet. I felt it was a kind of crutch because I didnt know what else to say.
Later on though, he texted me saying he wanted to ask me something. He was embarrassed to ask, but he felt like he wanted to hug me and asked if it was alright. I said that was alright, and thus came the tradition that we hugged each other each time we parted.
This was the catalyst that really set things off. When we were sat there on the computers, I'd start craving hugs. Really craving. I wanted physical contact, and specifically from him. And it was pretty much every time I
saw him. I had NEVER had these kind of feelings before, and I knew it was something special because they were all directed at him and wasn't the result of some kind of hormonal urge I had.
Eventually, I realised that I might be in love with him. It was a big realisation for me. It was a shock! I thought about it, and there was definitely something serious about it because the thought of having him as a boyfriend wasnt just bearable, it was quite a nice thought!
I held onto these thoughts though. I decided that I was going to wait until I saw him again, and see if I still felt the same way when I was in his presence. As it happened, I was so nervous about it that I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. He actually noticed and pointed this out (although he had no idea what was going through my mind), so I made a point of looking at him then when I spoke to him, but that felt even worse. I came away from the encounter feeling that I had been wrong. You can't love someone if you can't even bear to look at them.
I'm not sure how long it was before I realised that maybe the nervousness might have been a good thing. I hadn't gone in and thought "No, I was completely wrong. I don't love you at all."
I started taking him seriously as a potential partner. He had the personality and we both got along well. We had reasonably similar interests. Not all of them were the same, but they weren't so alien as to be incompatible. I have a degree in Computing so somtimes I understand the computer stuff he goes on about (lol), and he enjoys seeing pictures of the cosplay costumes I make. He was completely unjudging so I never felt stupid in front of him (which has led onto quite an exciting sex life now we're together).
Downsides: There seemed to be a lot of awkward silences between us, but I wasn't even sure that he felt they were awkward - it may well have just been me because he's the quiet type and doesn't say much. Also, I didnt feel that physically attracted to him. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this in a place where he will be reading this, but it was the truth to begin with. However, this proved a point even more, that it was him and the way he was to me that made me see potential in him, and it wasn't some kind of crush I had based on the way he looked. At one point I'd managed to wangle a 20 minute hug out of him as a joke, and although it was more like 20 seconds (and I was the one who pulled away because I felt awkward that he wanted to pull away but felt he couldn't, although I know now that was far from the case) it proved to me that I was comfortable having physical contact with him for longer than the fleeting, friendly hugs we'd been having up to that point. Even the idea of sex with him didn't seem a bad thing. I don't think I've ever told him this before, but I felt that for a long time, long, long before I had these romantic feelings for him, that if my sexual urges got so bad I had to experience sex, I would have gone to him.
There were many other factors which led me to believe that I loved him and I could really see a relationship with him working out. And perhaps even more importantly, I was sure that if I asked him out and he said no, or a relationship did happen and we broke up, I wasn't going to lose his friendship (like I had seen in so many of my old friends which had put me off relationships).
I did have a slight issue though. Since the dark times between us, he'd stopped telling me how much he fancied me and so on. Even when I asked him, he said he was over me, so could I convince him to be my boyfriend? I'd regretted letting my sister get hold of his MSN address all that time ago, but it paid off years later because he spoke to her, and he said that he did still have feelings for me. True, my sister may have been lying, but I was sure that it was actually him lying to me because he didnt want his feelings scaring me off like they had done before. I was pretty sure I had at least a chance with him. He's also polyamorist (which I'm sure will be the topic of another post later on), and although I thought he was single, his beliefs meant that it didn't matter if he wasn't because he could still have me. I probably deserve points for being able to live with such a controversial view like that too.
I determined that I was going to ask him out. It was so hard though. I couldn't get up the courage to do it. Every week I said I'd do it next week. Half term rolled around and I said I couldnt do it then because it'd be ages before I saw him so I'd do it the week after half term, but I still couldnt get up the courage then. I coudnt decide whether to do it to his face or in some electronic texual format. Face to face meant I had to see his facial expressions, the pressure of an instant reply and the instant embarrassment and awkwardness if he said no. Texting meant the awful wait for his reply, and the overwhelming nervousness/embarrassment of the next time I saw him, no matter what his answer was. Still, this wasnt the reason it took me so long to answer him. I was just nervous and scared, although of nothing in particular. It was special though, because I knew I had to do it eventually. I'd regret it forever if I let him get away.
The 9th of November 2008 was a Sunday, and I was sat at work in my little kiosk. I had a load of free phone credit that would disappear at midnight so I might as well use it. I started sending some pisstaking jokes to J and forwarding them to the guy who would be my boyfriend. I'd made up a story for J about how I had a boyfriend and he'd asked me to marry him and I didn't know what to do. This sparked off a conversation between me and my bf about what would happen if all this was true. I started dropping a few 'hints' at him, although I still have a copy of all these texts and they are extremely obvious and highly embarrassing. I SUCK at dropping hints! If I'd stook under his window and serenaded him, it would have been less obvious. It had the desired effect though.
I eventually got a text telling me that if I meant what I was saying then I could consider myself asked out. YEAH! I'd managed to get us to that point without the torture of asking myself!
I did stare into space for a few moments. I couldn't believe what was happening and I didnt know what to say. I then realised that I'd been wanting this for ages and I still did, so just answer because it's not like I was ever going to say no. I texted back and it became official that we were an item at 17:19. I then proceeded to spend the final 41 minutes of work walking around like a loon with a big grin on my face, but my phone battery had died so I couldnt text any more. I managed to get one more text saying for him to be online that night, which he was and we talked. I think my opening few lines featured 'Oh God' quite a few times.
But I had my first ever boyfriend. It felt completely surreal. I mean, me, 21, with a boyfriend! I thought I'd never have one! Wow! And at around 12:30 on Tuesday I was going to see him. Oh God...
What I learnt from this, and what I would pass onto other people from my experience is this:
- You don't need to 'look' for a partner. They will appear when the time is right, and deliberately looking will often end in settling.
- Don't let your phone battery run out. I'm so paranoid about what might not have happened if my battery had died earlier than it did that I carry a spare in my purse. Okay, we would have continued when I got home and phone plugged in, and neither of us would have let the conversation end where it did because we both knew where it was going, but it still scares me. I'm never going to chance something good not happening again because of a dead battery.
- The person you'll end up with might be closer than you think, even if its someone you previously really didn't like.
- In my next life, I will be giving more hugs. I like to hope we would have happened anyway, but I can't see how I would have realised the physical as well as the mental want for him if he hadn't started hugging me.
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