The role of trust in polyamory

This post is for my sister, who requested I write something along these lines after a conversation we had after she read some of my previous posts. While I feel like I've covered polyamory enough already, she requested that I write this because there were some things we spoke about which she told me needed to be said to the world because "it makes it sound less evil".

So, trust. Trust is a big thing in relationships. After all, can you love someone you don't trust?

Trust is even more important in polyamorist relationships. I'm actually reasonably lucky so far in that while it's been agreed that it's okay, my boyfriend hasn't had any other girlfriends on the go in the year and a half we've been together. The idea of him having other girlfriends doesn't thrill me if I'm honest, but I'm not a jealous enough person where the idea is absolutely abhorrent to me. It's hard to say whether I would be jealous and if so, how much, if it actually happened, but right now I feel like any jealousy would be more that he'd be spending time with her that he could be spending with me, than the fact that someone else is getting a look in. We haven't spoken about it in a while, but I'm sure that my boyfriend's position on polyamory right now is more leaving himself open for any girls if they do happen to throw themselves at him, rather than actively seeking out someone else.

I do actually like the strange position of security this gives me in what I'm allowed to do. I wouldn't say I'm actively seeking a female bedroom buddy, but I'd very much like one. As well as this, I also like the idea that, however unlikely it feels to me, if I was to be out somewhere at a party or something and things got heated up with someone else of either gender, I could go ahead and do it without feeling guilty, nor would I have to restrict myself.

Polyamory, however, is not for those who have even the slightest of jealous inclinations, and I'm sure many people wouldn't even get to the agreement of it, let alone deal with the actual practice of it. My sister applauded me on the level of trust me and my boyfriend must have in each other to allow it to happen. And there is alot of trust, but this was where the conversation got interesting.

I've noticed that when people oppose polyamory, they often start throwing up "what if?" scenarios, but when you look at them, the issues involved really aren't that different from those in a monogamous relationship.

For example, one of the questions my sister asked was "Aren't you worried that he'll find someone else he'll love more than you and leave you?"

My boyfriend has a hierarchy thing going on that I detailed in a previous post, but basically I'm at the top and my boyfriend won't ever love anyone else more than me. He could be lying, of course, or he may have just not met that special someone who's even better than I am. Think of all the divorces that happen every day, despite how infatuated and loved up those couples were on their wedding days. Isn't polyamory just putting the relationship at risk by allowing your partner to be with other people? I have to trust that my boyfriend won't find someone else he loves more than me. I trust and believe him when he says he won't.

In my eyes, I'm not in a different situation to anyone else when I look at this issue. When my sister asked me this question, I just turned it right back on her and asked "Well, how do you know YOUR boyfriend isn't going to find someone else he loves more than you?" My sister is in a monogamous relationship, but no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you have to have that trust in your partner that they're not going to run off with someone else they love more than you. This is one of the reasons I don't think polyamory is for everyone - it's not that my sister doesn't have that trust in her boyfriend, but she's too paranoid that it could happen. I'm able to live in a polyamorist relationship because while I accept that it COULD happen, I don't believe it will. People might say I'm being naive and putting too much trust in my boyfriend, but I don't believe that the chances of my boyfriend finding someone else he loves more than me are higher than any other couple in a monogamous relationship. I believe that the chances of it happening are based on the compatibilty of the couple rather than the circumstances around their relationship - if we were monogamous, I dont think the chances would be any less. I feel we're so closely bonded that I can't imagine him finding that with someone else.

Practical issues also come into play, of which there are so many I could sit here all night listing them off. Things like "how do you know he hasn't got another girlfriend right now and just hasn't told you?" This seems to be a big fear, but again, is it any different to a monogamous relationship? I could ask a mono person the same question. How do YOU know that your partner doesn't have someone else on the side you don't know about? I actually feel more secure in my position here. My boyfriend has no reason to lie to me if he has someone else because we've both agreed it's okay, whereas for a mono person there's incentive to lie - the relationship would be over if the other person found out. In a monogamous relationship it would likely be seen as unforgiveable, whereas for me, if he did for some crazy reason conceal information from me, I'd just be pissed that he hadn't told me. It would diminish my trust in him, but it wouldn't make my world crumble around me.

Sex. Again, no different. "What if he had sex with someone else, caught an STD and passed it onto you?" Once again, I feel more secure in my poly position than mono. Imagine a monogamous person having an affair, they want sex but no condoms. Whether they're stupid enough to do it without or if one of them is lying, this person knows that if they get found out, they're in deep shit anyway so hell, let's go for it! In my situation, I like to think that my boyfriend would refuse sex without condoms at least until he's seen conclusive evidence that the other person is clean because he has MORE to lose than the monogamous person. If he makes sure he's doing it right, then hooray! He gets to have sex with two people! When monogamous person gets found out, regardless of whether protection was used, then at best they get sex with their affairee, if they're getting sex with anyone at all.

The idea of having sex with someone else appeals to me quite a bit, although I don't really think it will happen as I don't go to the right places or belong to the right social circles. What I do love is the idea that if my fantasies came true and the opportunity did arise, I wouldn't have to decline like mono person. I would throw myself into it and I wouldn't have to feel guilty afterwards. In fact I'd likely send my boyfriend an excited text immediately afterwards with all the details, and I'd expect something along the lines of "HIGH FIVE!" back.

I do feel that polyamory, if the initial trust is there at the beginning, will make you trust each other even more and will bring forth an unprecedented level of openness between you both. I'll never forget the text I got from my boyfriend when we'd not long been together. He was perving on other girls' breasts from above at college and he texted me to tell me that none of them matched up to mine. Can you imagine a man in a monogamous relationship daring to tell his girlfriend that? Nonetheless, it got a big "awww!" from me. This week, he was telling me about a really attractive girl he'd seen on the way to my place. Again, not something a mono man would dare tell his woman, but it was advantageous to me. I was taking mental notes as he described what it was about the way this girl was dressed and made up for future reference. Valuable information I wouldn't have gotten otherwise! I feel much more secure because he tells me what he does actually do, rather than me having to hope he's not doing anything. I feel I know him much better because of what he tells me he does, and I think mono women are naive to think that their men don't EVER glance at other women from time to time.

I started this post saying that trust was very important in polyamorist relationships, but coming out the other side, I almost want to take it back! I've actually started to feel that trust is more important in monogamous relationships, as unlike polyamory, there's actually a reason to hide what you do with other people, and you have to trust that your partner isn't lying to you. It's true that my boyfriend could be lying to me, but if you're monogamous then your partner has more reason to lie to you than mine does.