Things continued to advance between us. I was still quite shy but we were advancing quite quickly. I was inexperienced and embarrassed to move things on myself, but I'd regularly send my boyfriend texts (because I was too embarrassed to say these things to his face) that I wanted him to do something to me or saying I was ready for a certain step.
The day after we kissed, I decided I was ready for tongues. We talked about it the night before and was told that one touching their tongue against the other's lip was usually a good way to ask without interrupting a kiss, and touching tongues together was a good way to grant that permission. It's kind of funny to think how tentative it all was at the beginning, because now we don't think anything of just thrusting our tongues down the other's throat.
I don't really remember the first time we did tongues, but I do remember one of the times that day. His teacher had let the whole class go to the library, and since my lesson hadn't started yet, he texted me and we found each other. I quite clearly remember stood on the balcony of the top floor at college getting some tongue action in. I remember because all these lads came and watched us and were making noises like we were some kind of show, but neither of us cared. This was new and exciting and neither of us were going to let something like other people watching put a stop to it.
I remember being in his car with him quite clearly that night. We were doing tongues and I loved it. It was lovely the wet feeling but I felt kind of crap at it. It seemed scary and although I was enjoying it, I somehow found it impossible to move my tongue much. Thankfully I got better at it over time.
Lying in the car together on Tuesday nights became a regular thing. We used to put the passenger seat down and lie one on top of the other, changing positions when it got too much for one of us. I kept a hairband on the zipper of my bag to tie my hair back with so it wouldnt get in the way when we were kissing. One time he took his shirt off in the car and it was absolutely magic.
We hadn't been going out too long before he suggested he come to my place on our shared day off from college. I was really glad he did because I probably wouldnt have gotten up the courage to ask him over for ages yet. Although my parents had met him before we were together, it still seemed scary bringing him over. I don't think I would have been able to get up the courage to go to his house, not at that point.
So, he did come over. We went up into my room, but at this point I had no lock or anything on my door, so I'm guessing we must have just left it that way. I do remember him taking his shirt off and it feeling magic once again, and after a while we went under the covers because he was getting cold, shirtless as it was.
It's sad that in my house I had to take such measures, but after that I bought some rope to tie around my doorhandles to stop other people coming in, and not too long after that I bought some fabric to hang over the gap between my two doors to stop other people in. It was necessary - my youngest sister got a knife and slotted it between the gap and tried to cut through the rope. I dont know if she thought she'd actually get in or if she was just trying to wind us up.
As time went on, clothes started coming off. One day he asked me to take my top off, and I did (it was lucky that I'd randomly decided to shave my armpits that morning, because up until then my philosophy on shaving was don't bother if nobody else is going to see it. Had I not shaved that morning, I wouldn't have). That skin to skin contact was amazing.
I don't know how long we'd been together, but one day we were lying in bed and he asked me if I was ready to take my bra off with him yet. I replied "Not yet..." and he didn't pursue it any further. I instantly thought to myself why did I say that?!? I was ready for that step. I hadn't thought about my answer before I'd just said I wasn't ready yet. I spent the next five minutes trying to get up the courage to take my bra off. Eventually I managed to ask if he wanted me to take my bra off, and he replied only if I felt ready for it. So, the bra came off. It felt incredible.
He was stroking my boobs, although I wanted him to play with them more. I hadn't realised at the time that the positions we were lying in gave him access to approximately one square inch of my boobs. When I eventually said whatever it was that I said that made him tell me he didn't have access, I rolled over so he could have all of my boobs.
I suppose this would have been the first time he sucked my nipples, although I can't remember. This blog has made me realise that I can't remember the first time he did alot of the things that became a staple of our bedroom lives! How terrible. For a good while after he started sucking my nipples I didn't get much out of it. It was weeks, maybe months before my nipples got used to being stimulated and I could really enjoy it. I love it now though, if not for the actual stimulation then the naughty look on his face when he's doing it!
I don't know if it's something a lot of other couples do or if it's just something he does, but he likes to lick my nipples and then blow on them so they're really cold, then taking the whole thing in his mouth and the sudden warmth is too much for me.
I suppose it'll be a test of how regularly he checks back on this blog, but it was actually more torturous when he first started doing it. He tries to make it worse now by blowing on it for too long trying to make it colder, but to tell the truth he blows on it so long that his spit dries up and it stops being so cold. He'd be better off doing like he did when he started off - giving it a quick, strong blast and then jumping in again. I guess I'll see what happens next time we're in the bedroom together ;)
Later, there came a big step when we both made the agreement that we were going to take our trousers off together, and we were lying in bed with just our undies on. At some point I ended up lying on my back with him on his side next to me, running his hand up and down my front. I don't know if he started that way or if he liked his chances as he went on, but I became aware that he was dangerously close to the top of my panties. It felt good, and I subconsciously opened my legs a little. The next thing I know he's fingering me through my pants. It was incredible. My heart was beating so hard inside me. Not especially fast, but definitely hard. I remember looking up at him and he was just looking down on me smiling, looking down on my like some benevolent god of sex.
It felt great, but I was ready to move onto the next step. After a few minutes I started trying to get up the courage to slide my pants down and let him get direct access. After several more minutes I did. It was great, although to tell the truth I preferred it when it was through my panties at the time. It points to my taste in vibrators now - I prefer big chunky vibes that I can use to put pressure on a wider area.
Eventually he stopped because his hands were hurting, and he told me that if I wanted any more then he'd be using his tongue next time, then he lay down again. I lay there for what seemed like ages willing him to do it with his tongue. I wanted it so badly. Luckily it wasn't long before he was up again and down in between my legs, but with his tongue this time. It was pure brilliance. Even after everything we've done since, oral remains my favourite and I don't get anywhere near enough of it.
It was fantastic, but there were several bits where he got pubes in his mouth lol. This had been completely unexpected so I'd done nothing to tidy myself up or get myself especially clean or any of the things I sort of take as a given now. I remember kissing him later on when it was time for him to go home. It tasted...strongly.
We talked that night on MSN about how brilliant and unexpected it had all been. He mentioned the term oral sex and it was completely unbelievable. It didn't seem quite so big when it had just been him licking me, but oral SEX...wow. I hadn't thought of it that way.
The following night I spoke to him on MSN again. He'd spent the day at work with an aching hand, wondering if you could get RSI from fingering someone.
Showing posts with label Old Times. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Old Times. Show all posts
Monday, 15 March 2010
Saturday, 13 March 2010
First kisses, I love you and embarrassing other people
After that intermission, back onto my story.
I don't really remember much of the second proper day we were together because there was alot of stuff that happened at the beginning that happened so quickly I find it difficult to place it chronologically. I do remember the next week though. Our college schedules meant that we only saw each other on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and the wait between parting on Wednesday night to seeing each other again on Tuesday morning was terrible.
My family already knew my boyfriend before we'd got together, so that made things somewhat easier, although we kept it all quiet for the moment since I just didn't know how I was gonna tell my parents.
My oldest younger sister was a different matter though. She'd been getting suspicious, and so to quell that, me and my boyfriend got on a three-way MSN conversation where we were so over the top with each other that it convinced my sister that we couldn't possibly be together because we were being stupid. I then tried to convince her that we were together, but we'd done the job, and she said we weren't. She said if we were really together, she wanted to see us kiss to prove it.
By the next time I saw my boyfriend, we'd talked and I'd found that I felt ready for my first ever kiss. It felt scary, but I wanted to do it. Plus, I'd been given this from my sister. Okay, I was not the kind of person who would kiss a guy before I was ready because of something that stupid, and I'd never waste my first kiss like that. But, I was ready and this proposition from my sister was going to give me the courage and reason to get up the courage to do what I wanted to do anyway.
I talked with my boyfriend and told him I was ready. I knew I'd find it difficult to get up the courage though because it was my first kiss, and he had quite a bit more experience than me, so it was scary. I told him that when we were cuddled up, he might have to physically move me into a position and kiss me because I'd find it difficult to get the courage.
So, that lunchtime, me and my boyfriend went to the college library and snuggled up in one of the sofas in the reading areas where nobody else was sat. I was cuddled against him with my face against his neck, and I realised then that I didn't want my first kiss to be him forcing me into it, even though I'd given him permission to do that previously. So, heart hammering inside me, I started slowly working my way up his neck. He told me later that he realised what I was doing so just let me do what I wanted to do and felt I was ready for. Eventually I managed to work my way up to his mouth and we kissed.
I can't remember what my first kiss actually felt like. There was a string of kisses, but I cant really remember what they felt like up until maybe the fourth or fifth. My mind was sort of in shock, and it took me a few seconds to be able to take anything in. I remember taking note of the feeling of his lips against mine and it felt completely unreal.
Then the librarian came and kicked us out lol. I suppose it depends on what your definition of a kiss is, and whether a kiss is a single kiss, or whether a kiss can be a series of them, but it's still funny to think that my first kiss got interrupted by a librarian who told us to leave.
So, we went outside and lay down on the grass, which was nice. I remember at one point my boyfriend asked "Did you enjoy your first kiss?" to which I answered "Yeah..."
I've never asked him what was going through his mind then. Although I'd broken the barrier of having that first kiss, going in again for a second seemed scary, and we didn't kiss while we were out on the grass. I don't recall us saying anything much, actually. I still wonder now if he was worrying that I didnt like my first kiss or something because I didnt kiss him while we were outside. It's just that question he asked, it made me wonder. Perhaps I'll get an answer as a result of this blog post.
Eventually the time came for us to head back inside as his next lesson would be starting again soon. We went back inside and I managed to get up the courage to kiss him again. It wasn't much less scarier than the first time.
At one point, I found myself looking at him and without thinking the words 'I love you' came spilling out. There are a few moments in my life where I'd pay large amounts of money for a photograph of certain person's facial expressions, and this was one of them. To this day, I dont think I've ever seen him so happy. I'm sure he said he loved me back, although it's kind of bad to think that I can't really remember properly. I was kind of shocked that those words had come out of my mouth. Not that I didn't mean them, but they'd come out of my mouth without me thinking about it.
As a side note, a few months later, one of my friends told me one night he was really happy because he'd just told his girlfriend he loved her, and she said she loved him back, and it was a really big thing. It made me wonder and had me kind of shocked because me and my boyfriend had hardly been going out any time at all before we reached that point. In fact, we'd told each other we loved each other before we were going out. That's how it came to be. Even now, I'm not sure which version represents the norm.
Back on topic, that night. I'm part of an amateur dramatics group, and I had a rehearsal that night and every Tuesday night. In any case, we weren't at the stage where we would go to each others' houses yet anyway. My bus ride home from college consists of two parts, while he had a car, so it became routine that we met up after college, he'd take me the first leg of my bus ride home, we'd park up in the car park and enjoy each other until it was time for the latest bus that would get me home and to my rehearsal on time, as it was from here that our homes were in two different directions.
We went down to the college lobby for a bit before we left college in the hopes that my sister would walk past, but we didn't see her. It was also this day that I'd texted my boyfriend that I felt like I wanted him to do something to my neck, and he started kissing it. It still feels great now, but back then it was completely new to me. Every time he did it, it felt like my neck was having an orgasm.
Anyway, we kissed and stuff, and then headed back to his car where we drove the first leg of my journey, enjoyed ourselves in the car until it was time for my bus. When he walked me to my bus we were a few minutes early, and it was now we found my sister already on the same bus. So, we went up, knocked on the window where she sat and did a long, exciting kiss. She was insanely embarrassed. This is another one of those times I'd pay big money for a photo of the facial expression. She went bright red, she put her book in front of her face, all the other bus passengers were all looking, it was fantastic!
We talked about it once I was on the bus. Apparently she'd seen us in the lobby all over each other so it wasnt a surprise to her, but it was still embarrassing for her on the bus. I realised now that she was going to tell my parents and they would know. This was kind of bad, b ut in a way I was glad because it meant I wouldn't have to tell them. Me being out that night at rehearsal was a good thing because I wouldnt have to be there to answer their questions at first, but the sucky part was a road closure meant that the journey there with my dad took three times longer than it normally would have. Plus it was dark, and I couldn't text my boyfriend because the light from my phone would distract my dad from driving.
On the plus side, I was kind of glad that night that it was one of the shows I've been in where I've had a relatively small part, since it meant that I got some good time that night to text my boyfriend at rehearsal.
I don't really remember much of the second proper day we were together because there was alot of stuff that happened at the beginning that happened so quickly I find it difficult to place it chronologically. I do remember the next week though. Our college schedules meant that we only saw each other on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and the wait between parting on Wednesday night to seeing each other again on Tuesday morning was terrible.
My family already knew my boyfriend before we'd got together, so that made things somewhat easier, although we kept it all quiet for the moment since I just didn't know how I was gonna tell my parents.
My oldest younger sister was a different matter though. She'd been getting suspicious, and so to quell that, me and my boyfriend got on a three-way MSN conversation where we were so over the top with each other that it convinced my sister that we couldn't possibly be together because we were being stupid. I then tried to convince her that we were together, but we'd done the job, and she said we weren't. She said if we were really together, she wanted to see us kiss to prove it.
By the next time I saw my boyfriend, we'd talked and I'd found that I felt ready for my first ever kiss. It felt scary, but I wanted to do it. Plus, I'd been given this from my sister. Okay, I was not the kind of person who would kiss a guy before I was ready because of something that stupid, and I'd never waste my first kiss like that. But, I was ready and this proposition from my sister was going to give me the courage and reason to get up the courage to do what I wanted to do anyway.
I talked with my boyfriend and told him I was ready. I knew I'd find it difficult to get up the courage though because it was my first kiss, and he had quite a bit more experience than me, so it was scary. I told him that when we were cuddled up, he might have to physically move me into a position and kiss me because I'd find it difficult to get the courage.
So, that lunchtime, me and my boyfriend went to the college library and snuggled up in one of the sofas in the reading areas where nobody else was sat. I was cuddled against him with my face against his neck, and I realised then that I didn't want my first kiss to be him forcing me into it, even though I'd given him permission to do that previously. So, heart hammering inside me, I started slowly working my way up his neck. He told me later that he realised what I was doing so just let me do what I wanted to do and felt I was ready for. Eventually I managed to work my way up to his mouth and we kissed.
I can't remember what my first kiss actually felt like. There was a string of kisses, but I cant really remember what they felt like up until maybe the fourth or fifth. My mind was sort of in shock, and it took me a few seconds to be able to take anything in. I remember taking note of the feeling of his lips against mine and it felt completely unreal.
Then the librarian came and kicked us out lol. I suppose it depends on what your definition of a kiss is, and whether a kiss is a single kiss, or whether a kiss can be a series of them, but it's still funny to think that my first kiss got interrupted by a librarian who told us to leave.
So, we went outside and lay down on the grass, which was nice. I remember at one point my boyfriend asked "Did you enjoy your first kiss?" to which I answered "Yeah..."
I've never asked him what was going through his mind then. Although I'd broken the barrier of having that first kiss, going in again for a second seemed scary, and we didn't kiss while we were out on the grass. I don't recall us saying anything much, actually. I still wonder now if he was worrying that I didnt like my first kiss or something because I didnt kiss him while we were outside. It's just that question he asked, it made me wonder. Perhaps I'll get an answer as a result of this blog post.
Eventually the time came for us to head back inside as his next lesson would be starting again soon. We went back inside and I managed to get up the courage to kiss him again. It wasn't much less scarier than the first time.
At one point, I found myself looking at him and without thinking the words 'I love you' came spilling out. There are a few moments in my life where I'd pay large amounts of money for a photograph of certain person's facial expressions, and this was one of them. To this day, I dont think I've ever seen him so happy. I'm sure he said he loved me back, although it's kind of bad to think that I can't really remember properly. I was kind of shocked that those words had come out of my mouth. Not that I didn't mean them, but they'd come out of my mouth without me thinking about it.
As a side note, a few months later, one of my friends told me one night he was really happy because he'd just told his girlfriend he loved her, and she said she loved him back, and it was a really big thing. It made me wonder and had me kind of shocked because me and my boyfriend had hardly been going out any time at all before we reached that point. In fact, we'd told each other we loved each other before we were going out. That's how it came to be. Even now, I'm not sure which version represents the norm.
Back on topic, that night. I'm part of an amateur dramatics group, and I had a rehearsal that night and every Tuesday night. In any case, we weren't at the stage where we would go to each others' houses yet anyway. My bus ride home from college consists of two parts, while he had a car, so it became routine that we met up after college, he'd take me the first leg of my bus ride home, we'd park up in the car park and enjoy each other until it was time for the latest bus that would get me home and to my rehearsal on time, as it was from here that our homes were in two different directions.
We went down to the college lobby for a bit before we left college in the hopes that my sister would walk past, but we didn't see her. It was also this day that I'd texted my boyfriend that I felt like I wanted him to do something to my neck, and he started kissing it. It still feels great now, but back then it was completely new to me. Every time he did it, it felt like my neck was having an orgasm.
Anyway, we kissed and stuff, and then headed back to his car where we drove the first leg of my journey, enjoyed ourselves in the car until it was time for my bus. When he walked me to my bus we were a few minutes early, and it was now we found my sister already on the same bus. So, we went up, knocked on the window where she sat and did a long, exciting kiss. She was insanely embarrassed. This is another one of those times I'd pay big money for a photo of the facial expression. She went bright red, she put her book in front of her face, all the other bus passengers were all looking, it was fantastic!
We talked about it once I was on the bus. Apparently she'd seen us in the lobby all over each other so it wasnt a surprise to her, but it was still embarrassing for her on the bus. I realised now that she was going to tell my parents and they would know. This was kind of bad, b ut in a way I was glad because it meant I wouldn't have to tell them. Me being out that night at rehearsal was a good thing because I wouldnt have to be there to answer their questions at first, but the sucky part was a road closure meant that the journey there with my dad took three times longer than it normally would have. Plus it was dark, and I couldn't text my boyfriend because the light from my phone would distract my dad from driving.
On the plus side, I was kind of glad that night that it was one of the shows I've been in where I've had a relatively small part, since it meant that I got some good time that night to text my boyfriend at rehearsal.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Now I had a boyfriend....
My life seemed completely surreal. The thought of me having a boyfriend was incredibly weird. I'd almost resigned myself to the fact I was just going to be alone forever because that's the way I was, so having a boyfriend just didn't seem real. Don't get me wrong - I didn't feel it was too good to be true. I don't wish to sound arrogant and I didnt mean it in such a way, but I felt we both deserved each other.
I spoke to him online once I got home from work that Sunday night, although at the time he had a weekend job that wore him out and he generally went to sleep as soon as he got home, so it was almost a great privelege that he spent a while talking to me on MSN, even though it wouldnt have been as long as I would have liked. I don't remember what we talked about really, although I do remember him telling me that he found it difficult to believe what was happening like I had. He'd been wondering if someone had stolen my phone and I hadn't sent those texts at all, because it seemed unlike me. He also told me that if I changed my mind about wanting him as my boyfriend then I should say so. I imagined how much that would suck for him if I did feel that way and called an end to it, but it proved something that after having spent six years chasing me, he would still rather me walk away than be in a relationship with him that I didn't feel comfortable about. Obviously we're still together so it never came to that, but it was nice to know if I did change my mind, I could get out without having to feel too bad about it.
One memory that did stick in my mind was at the end when he was going to sign off. He told me something along the lines of 'Ow wow, I can write those kisses now! xXx' I didn't say anything at the time, but it sort of felt weird because we hadn't kissed yet. It was sort of uncomfortable, although I didn't say anything because it was probably because I was new to all this, and I knew that once we did start kissing I'd probably love it when he put kisses at the end of texts and MSN conversations (and I was right).
The next day when I was at college (he had Mondays off) we spent so long texting each other, being all lovey dovey. I missed one of my buses home so I went to the nearby KFC and I can remember texting him all kind of stuff while getting grease all over my phone keys (nice!). As a side note, in the long time we've been together and we've gotten KFC a few times, I always eat way too much and then laze about telling him I'm fat and I feel sick lol. It's almost become a tradition now. You really shouldn't eat KFC in front of your partner. There is no way to eat it without looking like a total pig. Alternatively, you can look stupid by using a knife and fork.
Back on topic...
Tuesday rolled around, and I was beginning to really shit myself. I was so nervous about seeing him. It was easy to tell him I loved him and stuff over MSN or text, but him being there seemed scary. We'd arranged to meet at lunchtime, and I was praying I wasn't going to bump into him at breaktime before that. I needed the time to mentally prepare myself. Lunchtime was at 12.30, and I can remember that once it got past 12 noticing every minute that went by on my computer screen. I was really scared! I didn't think I'd ever be able to get up the courage to do this. I had to though. Again, it was a case of it not being like I would walk away because it seemed too scary.
We'd arranged to meet outside the common room, which was just around the corner from my classroom and a little bit further away from his. However, I was a few minutes late getting out of my class so I was sure that he'd be there waiting for me, and I wasn't sure what to do or say to him. There was a door leading outside to the common room, out of view. as I went to turn that corner I stopped. I was terrified! What was I going to do when I saw him?
I got up the courage and stepped outside. As I got around that corner I saw that he wasn't there yet. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed that I was going to have to stand there waiting for him with all that nervousness again, and what was I going to do when I saw him coming around the corner? Later reports told me that when he did come around the corner, he was scared because I was already there.
I think I smiled when he came, although it was an unreal moment and my memory is kind of hazy to be honest! I remember putting my arms out to hug him and we did (and it was the best hug we'd ever had), but it was cold so it didn't last too long, and we went inside. We sat down next to each other and I still didn't know what to do or say. I kept telling him how nervous I was feeling and he told me I shouldn't be, but it was crazy. I was sat in the common room with my boyfriend! I really wanted to hug him again, but I didn't have the guts to do it myself or ask him to do it, and I think he was wary of taking steps that I wasn't ready for so we just sat there.
His next lesson started before mine, so we went back to where his lesson was in advance and stood there and hugged. It felt amazing. It was a proper long hug, and it was an intimate hug rather than a cuddle. I'd never had anything like this before in my life, so it was just out of this world. Every now and then he'd move his hands and the heat it sent through my clothes and onto my skin was just incredible.
As his classmates arrived for their class, we got a nice few comments as they walked past, but as the months passed I never stopped finding them funny. I'm told than when it was time for us to part and he went into his class he got a round of applause, to which he bowed and then flipped them off. It was a move so typical of him.
I managed to sneak away to see him on afternoon break. Over the months, I dont know how my tutor never managed to realise that I disappeared every Tuesday at 2.45. I think I had an edge above everyone else in my class that I actually got on with work 95% of the time, so maybe she did notice but just didn't care.
At breaktime that afternoon, we stood there and hugged for the whole 15 minutes. It was brilliant. Our legs hurt by the end and it started getting uncomfortable to be stood there, but it was still brilliant. At some point he started putting his hands on my bum (he may or may not have asked permission to do that, I can't remember), and that was amazing. It was like my bum was an erogenous zone!
I'd been really scared beforehand about seeing him and what would happen, but even though we hadn't even had a proper hour of time together since we'd been an item, I already felt that I couldn't live without this now and every second meant nothing apart from being one second closer to seeing him again.
I spoke to him online once I got home from work that Sunday night, although at the time he had a weekend job that wore him out and he generally went to sleep as soon as he got home, so it was almost a great privelege that he spent a while talking to me on MSN, even though it wouldnt have been as long as I would have liked. I don't remember what we talked about really, although I do remember him telling me that he found it difficult to believe what was happening like I had. He'd been wondering if someone had stolen my phone and I hadn't sent those texts at all, because it seemed unlike me. He also told me that if I changed my mind about wanting him as my boyfriend then I should say so. I imagined how much that would suck for him if I did feel that way and called an end to it, but it proved something that after having spent six years chasing me, he would still rather me walk away than be in a relationship with him that I didn't feel comfortable about. Obviously we're still together so it never came to that, but it was nice to know if I did change my mind, I could get out without having to feel too bad about it.
One memory that did stick in my mind was at the end when he was going to sign off. He told me something along the lines of 'Ow wow, I can write those kisses now! xXx' I didn't say anything at the time, but it sort of felt weird because we hadn't kissed yet. It was sort of uncomfortable, although I didn't say anything because it was probably because I was new to all this, and I knew that once we did start kissing I'd probably love it when he put kisses at the end of texts and MSN conversations (and I was right).
The next day when I was at college (he had Mondays off) we spent so long texting each other, being all lovey dovey. I missed one of my buses home so I went to the nearby KFC and I can remember texting him all kind of stuff while getting grease all over my phone keys (nice!). As a side note, in the long time we've been together and we've gotten KFC a few times, I always eat way too much and then laze about telling him I'm fat and I feel sick lol. It's almost become a tradition now. You really shouldn't eat KFC in front of your partner. There is no way to eat it without looking like a total pig. Alternatively, you can look stupid by using a knife and fork.
Back on topic...
Tuesday rolled around, and I was beginning to really shit myself. I was so nervous about seeing him. It was easy to tell him I loved him and stuff over MSN or text, but him being there seemed scary. We'd arranged to meet at lunchtime, and I was praying I wasn't going to bump into him at breaktime before that. I needed the time to mentally prepare myself. Lunchtime was at 12.30, and I can remember that once it got past 12 noticing every minute that went by on my computer screen. I was really scared! I didn't think I'd ever be able to get up the courage to do this. I had to though. Again, it was a case of it not being like I would walk away because it seemed too scary.
We'd arranged to meet outside the common room, which was just around the corner from my classroom and a little bit further away from his. However, I was a few minutes late getting out of my class so I was sure that he'd be there waiting for me, and I wasn't sure what to do or say to him. There was a door leading outside to the common room, out of view. as I went to turn that corner I stopped. I was terrified! What was I going to do when I saw him?
I got up the courage and stepped outside. As I got around that corner I saw that he wasn't there yet. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed that I was going to have to stand there waiting for him with all that nervousness again, and what was I going to do when I saw him coming around the corner? Later reports told me that when he did come around the corner, he was scared because I was already there.
I think I smiled when he came, although it was an unreal moment and my memory is kind of hazy to be honest! I remember putting my arms out to hug him and we did (and it was the best hug we'd ever had), but it was cold so it didn't last too long, and we went inside. We sat down next to each other and I still didn't know what to do or say. I kept telling him how nervous I was feeling and he told me I shouldn't be, but it was crazy. I was sat in the common room with my boyfriend! I really wanted to hug him again, but I didn't have the guts to do it myself or ask him to do it, and I think he was wary of taking steps that I wasn't ready for so we just sat there.
His next lesson started before mine, so we went back to where his lesson was in advance and stood there and hugged. It felt amazing. It was a proper long hug, and it was an intimate hug rather than a cuddle. I'd never had anything like this before in my life, so it was just out of this world. Every now and then he'd move his hands and the heat it sent through my clothes and onto my skin was just incredible.
As his classmates arrived for their class, we got a nice few comments as they walked past, but as the months passed I never stopped finding them funny. I'm told than when it was time for us to part and he went into his class he got a round of applause, to which he bowed and then flipped them off. It was a move so typical of him.
I managed to sneak away to see him on afternoon break. Over the months, I dont know how my tutor never managed to realise that I disappeared every Tuesday at 2.45. I think I had an edge above everyone else in my class that I actually got on with work 95% of the time, so maybe she did notice but just didn't care.
At breaktime that afternoon, we stood there and hugged for the whole 15 minutes. It was brilliant. Our legs hurt by the end and it started getting uncomfortable to be stood there, but it was still brilliant. At some point he started putting his hands on my bum (he may or may not have asked permission to do that, I can't remember), and that was amazing. It was like my bum was an erogenous zone!
I'd been really scared beforehand about seeing him and what would happen, but even though we hadn't even had a proper hour of time together since we'd been an item, I already felt that I couldn't live without this now and every second meant nothing apart from being one second closer to seeing him again.
Monday, 8 March 2010
How I managed to get me a boyfriend (It's a long story!)
I had my reasons, but I was picky. I wasn't going to just settle for anyone because it seemed that was what most of the other people I knew had done and it hadnt really worked out for them. I was probably almost into my twenties before I started getting any kind of sex drive, but I was never going to let that be the excuse for a one night stand, let alone a relationship. I always been a loner to some extent, so it didnt bother me not having a boyfriend at all. The most 'contact' I'd ever had with a boy was a hug as part of a school play and one time when my friend told another male friend to slap my ass.
I spent a long time convinced I was going to die single and a virgin. I could never see where I was going to find a boyfriend. I've never been into going out places even when I have people to go with, so I never saw where I was going to meet someone. If I was still single now, it wouldn't bother me, but it felt kind of depressing that I was going to spend my future adult life living on my own. But again, it was an issue of not settling because the idea was depressing.
Anyway, things happened in my life. Guy number three from my Teenage Years post (the guy who became my boyfriend, so I suppose I should come up with some alias for him to refer to him by to allow me to remain anonymous online. He'll probably say he wants to be called The Emperor or something to do with Hitler though lol).
When we first started talking, there was alot of bad stuff that happened. It's kind of a dark time that I dont really like to think about much. He did some stuff to trick me into talking to him and me being a naive teenager fell for it. Bad stuff, but we've both dramatically changed as people and got on good terms again which was what made a relationship between us possible.
We spoke online a lot and really got to know each other. Over time we realised we were quite similar, and at the same time we sort of moulded to become more like each other. He started off as quite arrogant, always right and superior to everyone else. Me, I was shy, lacking confidence and extremely introverted. The more we spoke, we brought out the positive aspects in each other and are now sort of close to the middle. We're both glad, because neither of us liked the people we would have become if we had lived separate lives. He would have turned into a right asshole (he's admitted this himself) and I would have been forever hiding in the corner and ignored by all.
We haven't completely changed though. He's still always right, but at least I have the guts now to argue back and make him see sense in my points, even if he doesn't agree. I get acknowledged at least. I'm a hell of a lot more confident in myself too, and I'm thinking more outside the box. I think about what my opinions on things really are, and alot of them might be quite controversial. I'm not being spoonfed opinions and beliefs from the rest of society. I like to think I'm much more objective, although I do still feel like I'm a bit naive about things (I get that from my mum).
As time got on, we started having alot of debates about different topics, alot of them being religion and politics. He liked to think he's God, and I'm still not really sure whether he's serious about this. At least I get to be his goddess with him though.
As a side of this, he sent me a copy of an email exchange he'd had with one of his college friends in which he was acting as God and his friend was asking him questions. It was quite funny and just typically him. I'm a writer and I loved the idea, so I asked permission to steal the idea and write a book of it at a later date. I sort of realised though that I didnt have it in me to write it on my own. I thought about it and suggested a collaboration where he could play God and I'd play a fictional girl we could play about with. And so, the blog was born. If he still had time for it it'd still be going. It was tremendous fun but he got lazy. :P
Although it was fiction, it was a great tool in getting to know each other. His God character was highly logical and spoke the truth rather than being affected by emotions or social pressures or anything else at all times, and the angel Gabriel who played a big role had liberal opinions on sex to say the least. I thought Gabriel was hilarious at the time, but it wasnt until me and my boyfriend got sexy together that I realised Gabriel wasn't so much of an act - it really wasnt far from the way he thought.
Me on the other hand, I played the character of Poppy, who was a confused young girl who had gone to God for answers and gotten something else entirely. She was extremely introverted and in need of help. Although I was certainly different from that, it was an exaggeration of the way I used to be. If we're going to read into this, you could almost say that the story of God helping Poppy to develop was almost mirroring the process that we'd been through together.
Through this blog, we had some great discussions together about different things through our characters, much more at length than we normally would have done through MSN. We got closer to each other through this blog. So much so, he even managed to get me to meet up with him, which I can tell you was a MAJOR step. True, it was kind of awkward when it happened. I didnt know what to say so I just blabbed on for ages about nothing, while he was just him and said nothing, just listened. It's kind of embarrassing to think about now, but I'm glad it happened.
A few months later, I found myself at the same college as him. I'd graduated from university but found my course just wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Another degree was way too expensive for me and I didnt want to do another three years, so I went back to college. I didn't pick this college because of him, but I dont really remember looking at any others. I think he might have had a subconscious influence on my choice, although I guess it was a good thing that the college he was at had a course I wanted to do.
We were both at the same college, so we started meeting up at lunchtimes on the one day a week we shared. I was major nervous the first day it happened, but I was at least glad we'd had that previous meeting because it meant it wasnt the first time I'd seen him in years.
Again, it felt awkward. I just didn't know what to say. It was nice to have someone to spend time with though. He was the only person I'd ever met I felt I had a kind of affinity for, someone who was like me. I just wish I could have known what to say. We used to spend our time on the computers browsing the internet. I felt it was a kind of crutch because I didnt know what else to say.
Later on though, he texted me saying he wanted to ask me something. He was embarrassed to ask, but he felt like he wanted to hug me and asked if it was alright. I said that was alright, and thus came the tradition that we hugged each other each time we parted.
This was the catalyst that really set things off. When we were sat there on the computers, I'd start craving hugs. Really craving. I wanted physical contact, and specifically from him. And it was pretty much every time I
saw him. I had NEVER had these kind of feelings before, and I knew it was something special because they were all directed at him and wasn't the result of some kind of hormonal urge I had.
Eventually, I realised that I might be in love with him. It was a big realisation for me. It was a shock! I thought about it, and there was definitely something serious about it because the thought of having him as a boyfriend wasnt just bearable, it was quite a nice thought!
I held onto these thoughts though. I decided that I was going to wait until I saw him again, and see if I still felt the same way when I was in his presence. As it happened, I was so nervous about it that I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. He actually noticed and pointed this out (although he had no idea what was going through my mind), so I made a point of looking at him then when I spoke to him, but that felt even worse. I came away from the encounter feeling that I had been wrong. You can't love someone if you can't even bear to look at them.
I'm not sure how long it was before I realised that maybe the nervousness might have been a good thing. I hadn't gone in and thought "No, I was completely wrong. I don't love you at all."
I started taking him seriously as a potential partner. He had the personality and we both got along well. We had reasonably similar interests. Not all of them were the same, but they weren't so alien as to be incompatible. I have a degree in Computing so somtimes I understand the computer stuff he goes on about (lol), and he enjoys seeing pictures of the cosplay costumes I make. He was completely unjudging so I never felt stupid in front of him (which has led onto quite an exciting sex life now we're together).
Downsides: There seemed to be a lot of awkward silences between us, but I wasn't even sure that he felt they were awkward - it may well have just been me because he's the quiet type and doesn't say much. Also, I didnt feel that physically attracted to him. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this in a place where he will be reading this, but it was the truth to begin with. However, this proved a point even more, that it was him and the way he was to me that made me see potential in him, and it wasn't some kind of crush I had based on the way he looked. At one point I'd managed to wangle a 20 minute hug out of him as a joke, and although it was more like 20 seconds (and I was the one who pulled away because I felt awkward that he wanted to pull away but felt he couldn't, although I know now that was far from the case) it proved to me that I was comfortable having physical contact with him for longer than the fleeting, friendly hugs we'd been having up to that point. Even the idea of sex with him didn't seem a bad thing. I don't think I've ever told him this before, but I felt that for a long time, long, long before I had these romantic feelings for him, that if my sexual urges got so bad I had to experience sex, I would have gone to him.
There were many other factors which led me to believe that I loved him and I could really see a relationship with him working out. And perhaps even more importantly, I was sure that if I asked him out and he said no, or a relationship did happen and we broke up, I wasn't going to lose his friendship (like I had seen in so many of my old friends which had put me off relationships).
I did have a slight issue though. Since the dark times between us, he'd stopped telling me how much he fancied me and so on. Even when I asked him, he said he was over me, so could I convince him to be my boyfriend? I'd regretted letting my sister get hold of his MSN address all that time ago, but it paid off years later because he spoke to her, and he said that he did still have feelings for me. True, my sister may have been lying, but I was sure that it was actually him lying to me because he didnt want his feelings scaring me off like they had done before. I was pretty sure I had at least a chance with him. He's also polyamorist (which I'm sure will be the topic of another post later on), and although I thought he was single, his beliefs meant that it didn't matter if he wasn't because he could still have me. I probably deserve points for being able to live with such a controversial view like that too.
I determined that I was going to ask him out. It was so hard though. I couldn't get up the courage to do it. Every week I said I'd do it next week. Half term rolled around and I said I couldnt do it then because it'd be ages before I saw him so I'd do it the week after half term, but I still couldnt get up the courage then. I coudnt decide whether to do it to his face or in some electronic texual format. Face to face meant I had to see his facial expressions, the pressure of an instant reply and the instant embarrassment and awkwardness if he said no. Texting meant the awful wait for his reply, and the overwhelming nervousness/embarrassment of the next time I saw him, no matter what his answer was. Still, this wasnt the reason it took me so long to answer him. I was just nervous and scared, although of nothing in particular. It was special though, because I knew I had to do it eventually. I'd regret it forever if I let him get away.
The 9th of November 2008 was a Sunday, and I was sat at work in my little kiosk. I had a load of free phone credit that would disappear at midnight so I might as well use it. I started sending some pisstaking jokes to J and forwarding them to the guy who would be my boyfriend. I'd made up a story for J about how I had a boyfriend and he'd asked me to marry him and I didn't know what to do. This sparked off a conversation between me and my bf about what would happen if all this was true. I started dropping a few 'hints' at him, although I still have a copy of all these texts and they are extremely obvious and highly embarrassing. I SUCK at dropping hints! If I'd stook under his window and serenaded him, it would have been less obvious. It had the desired effect though.
I eventually got a text telling me that if I meant what I was saying then I could consider myself asked out. YEAH! I'd managed to get us to that point without the torture of asking myself!
I did stare into space for a few moments. I couldn't believe what was happening and I didnt know what to say. I then realised that I'd been wanting this for ages and I still did, so just answer because it's not like I was ever going to say no. I texted back and it became official that we were an item at 17:19. I then proceeded to spend the final 41 minutes of work walking around like a loon with a big grin on my face, but my phone battery had died so I couldnt text any more. I managed to get one more text saying for him to be online that night, which he was and we talked. I think my opening few lines featured 'Oh God' quite a few times.
But I had my first ever boyfriend. It felt completely surreal. I mean, me, 21, with a boyfriend! I thought I'd never have one! Wow! And at around 12:30 on Tuesday I was going to see him. Oh God...
What I learnt from this, and what I would pass onto other people from my experience is this:
I spent a long time convinced I was going to die single and a virgin. I could never see where I was going to find a boyfriend. I've never been into going out places even when I have people to go with, so I never saw where I was going to meet someone. If I was still single now, it wouldn't bother me, but it felt kind of depressing that I was going to spend my future adult life living on my own. But again, it was an issue of not settling because the idea was depressing.
Anyway, things happened in my life. Guy number three from my Teenage Years post (the guy who became my boyfriend, so I suppose I should come up with some alias for him to refer to him by to allow me to remain anonymous online. He'll probably say he wants to be called The Emperor or something to do with Hitler though lol).
When we first started talking, there was alot of bad stuff that happened. It's kind of a dark time that I dont really like to think about much. He did some stuff to trick me into talking to him and me being a naive teenager fell for it. Bad stuff, but we've both dramatically changed as people and got on good terms again which was what made a relationship between us possible.
We spoke online a lot and really got to know each other. Over time we realised we were quite similar, and at the same time we sort of moulded to become more like each other. He started off as quite arrogant, always right and superior to everyone else. Me, I was shy, lacking confidence and extremely introverted. The more we spoke, we brought out the positive aspects in each other and are now sort of close to the middle. We're both glad, because neither of us liked the people we would have become if we had lived separate lives. He would have turned into a right asshole (he's admitted this himself) and I would have been forever hiding in the corner and ignored by all.
We haven't completely changed though. He's still always right, but at least I have the guts now to argue back and make him see sense in my points, even if he doesn't agree. I get acknowledged at least. I'm a hell of a lot more confident in myself too, and I'm thinking more outside the box. I think about what my opinions on things really are, and alot of them might be quite controversial. I'm not being spoonfed opinions and beliefs from the rest of society. I like to think I'm much more objective, although I do still feel like I'm a bit naive about things (I get that from my mum).
As time got on, we started having alot of debates about different topics, alot of them being religion and politics. He liked to think he's God, and I'm still not really sure whether he's serious about this. At least I get to be his goddess with him though.
As a side of this, he sent me a copy of an email exchange he'd had with one of his college friends in which he was acting as God and his friend was asking him questions. It was quite funny and just typically him. I'm a writer and I loved the idea, so I asked permission to steal the idea and write a book of it at a later date. I sort of realised though that I didnt have it in me to write it on my own. I thought about it and suggested a collaboration where he could play God and I'd play a fictional girl we could play about with. And so, the blog was born. If he still had time for it it'd still be going. It was tremendous fun but he got lazy. :P
Although it was fiction, it was a great tool in getting to know each other. His God character was highly logical and spoke the truth rather than being affected by emotions or social pressures or anything else at all times, and the angel Gabriel who played a big role had liberal opinions on sex to say the least. I thought Gabriel was hilarious at the time, but it wasnt until me and my boyfriend got sexy together that I realised Gabriel wasn't so much of an act - it really wasnt far from the way he thought.
Me on the other hand, I played the character of Poppy, who was a confused young girl who had gone to God for answers and gotten something else entirely. She was extremely introverted and in need of help. Although I was certainly different from that, it was an exaggeration of the way I used to be. If we're going to read into this, you could almost say that the story of God helping Poppy to develop was almost mirroring the process that we'd been through together.
Through this blog, we had some great discussions together about different things through our characters, much more at length than we normally would have done through MSN. We got closer to each other through this blog. So much so, he even managed to get me to meet up with him, which I can tell you was a MAJOR step. True, it was kind of awkward when it happened. I didnt know what to say so I just blabbed on for ages about nothing, while he was just him and said nothing, just listened. It's kind of embarrassing to think about now, but I'm glad it happened.
A few months later, I found myself at the same college as him. I'd graduated from university but found my course just wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Another degree was way too expensive for me and I didnt want to do another three years, so I went back to college. I didn't pick this college because of him, but I dont really remember looking at any others. I think he might have had a subconscious influence on my choice, although I guess it was a good thing that the college he was at had a course I wanted to do.
We were both at the same college, so we started meeting up at lunchtimes on the one day a week we shared. I was major nervous the first day it happened, but I was at least glad we'd had that previous meeting because it meant it wasnt the first time I'd seen him in years.
Again, it felt awkward. I just didn't know what to say. It was nice to have someone to spend time with though. He was the only person I'd ever met I felt I had a kind of affinity for, someone who was like me. I just wish I could have known what to say. We used to spend our time on the computers browsing the internet. I felt it was a kind of crutch because I didnt know what else to say.
Later on though, he texted me saying he wanted to ask me something. He was embarrassed to ask, but he felt like he wanted to hug me and asked if it was alright. I said that was alright, and thus came the tradition that we hugged each other each time we parted.
This was the catalyst that really set things off. When we were sat there on the computers, I'd start craving hugs. Really craving. I wanted physical contact, and specifically from him. And it was pretty much every time I
saw him. I had NEVER had these kind of feelings before, and I knew it was something special because they were all directed at him and wasn't the result of some kind of hormonal urge I had.
Eventually, I realised that I might be in love with him. It was a big realisation for me. It was a shock! I thought about it, and there was definitely something serious about it because the thought of having him as a boyfriend wasnt just bearable, it was quite a nice thought!
I held onto these thoughts though. I decided that I was going to wait until I saw him again, and see if I still felt the same way when I was in his presence. As it happened, I was so nervous about it that I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. He actually noticed and pointed this out (although he had no idea what was going through my mind), so I made a point of looking at him then when I spoke to him, but that felt even worse. I came away from the encounter feeling that I had been wrong. You can't love someone if you can't even bear to look at them.
I'm not sure how long it was before I realised that maybe the nervousness might have been a good thing. I hadn't gone in and thought "No, I was completely wrong. I don't love you at all."
I started taking him seriously as a potential partner. He had the personality and we both got along well. We had reasonably similar interests. Not all of them were the same, but they weren't so alien as to be incompatible. I have a degree in Computing so somtimes I understand the computer stuff he goes on about (lol), and he enjoys seeing pictures of the cosplay costumes I make. He was completely unjudging so I never felt stupid in front of him (which has led onto quite an exciting sex life now we're together).
Downsides: There seemed to be a lot of awkward silences between us, but I wasn't even sure that he felt they were awkward - it may well have just been me because he's the quiet type and doesn't say much. Also, I didnt feel that physically attracted to him. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this in a place where he will be reading this, but it was the truth to begin with. However, this proved a point even more, that it was him and the way he was to me that made me see potential in him, and it wasn't some kind of crush I had based on the way he looked. At one point I'd managed to wangle a 20 minute hug out of him as a joke, and although it was more like 20 seconds (and I was the one who pulled away because I felt awkward that he wanted to pull away but felt he couldn't, although I know now that was far from the case) it proved to me that I was comfortable having physical contact with him for longer than the fleeting, friendly hugs we'd been having up to that point. Even the idea of sex with him didn't seem a bad thing. I don't think I've ever told him this before, but I felt that for a long time, long, long before I had these romantic feelings for him, that if my sexual urges got so bad I had to experience sex, I would have gone to him.
There were many other factors which led me to believe that I loved him and I could really see a relationship with him working out. And perhaps even more importantly, I was sure that if I asked him out and he said no, or a relationship did happen and we broke up, I wasn't going to lose his friendship (like I had seen in so many of my old friends which had put me off relationships).
I did have a slight issue though. Since the dark times between us, he'd stopped telling me how much he fancied me and so on. Even when I asked him, he said he was over me, so could I convince him to be my boyfriend? I'd regretted letting my sister get hold of his MSN address all that time ago, but it paid off years later because he spoke to her, and he said that he did still have feelings for me. True, my sister may have been lying, but I was sure that it was actually him lying to me because he didnt want his feelings scaring me off like they had done before. I was pretty sure I had at least a chance with him. He's also polyamorist (which I'm sure will be the topic of another post later on), and although I thought he was single, his beliefs meant that it didn't matter if he wasn't because he could still have me. I probably deserve points for being able to live with such a controversial view like that too.
I determined that I was going to ask him out. It was so hard though. I couldn't get up the courage to do it. Every week I said I'd do it next week. Half term rolled around and I said I couldnt do it then because it'd be ages before I saw him so I'd do it the week after half term, but I still couldnt get up the courage then. I coudnt decide whether to do it to his face or in some electronic texual format. Face to face meant I had to see his facial expressions, the pressure of an instant reply and the instant embarrassment and awkwardness if he said no. Texting meant the awful wait for his reply, and the overwhelming nervousness/embarrassment of the next time I saw him, no matter what his answer was. Still, this wasnt the reason it took me so long to answer him. I was just nervous and scared, although of nothing in particular. It was special though, because I knew I had to do it eventually. I'd regret it forever if I let him get away.
The 9th of November 2008 was a Sunday, and I was sat at work in my little kiosk. I had a load of free phone credit that would disappear at midnight so I might as well use it. I started sending some pisstaking jokes to J and forwarding them to the guy who would be my boyfriend. I'd made up a story for J about how I had a boyfriend and he'd asked me to marry him and I didn't know what to do. This sparked off a conversation between me and my bf about what would happen if all this was true. I started dropping a few 'hints' at him, although I still have a copy of all these texts and they are extremely obvious and highly embarrassing. I SUCK at dropping hints! If I'd stook under his window and serenaded him, it would have been less obvious. It had the desired effect though.
I eventually got a text telling me that if I meant what I was saying then I could consider myself asked out. YEAH! I'd managed to get us to that point without the torture of asking myself!
I did stare into space for a few moments. I couldn't believe what was happening and I didnt know what to say. I then realised that I'd been wanting this for ages and I still did, so just answer because it's not like I was ever going to say no. I texted back and it became official that we were an item at 17:19. I then proceeded to spend the final 41 minutes of work walking around like a loon with a big grin on my face, but my phone battery had died so I couldnt text any more. I managed to get one more text saying for him to be online that night, which he was and we talked. I think my opening few lines featured 'Oh God' quite a few times.
But I had my first ever boyfriend. It felt completely surreal. I mean, me, 21, with a boyfriend! I thought I'd never have one! Wow! And at around 12:30 on Tuesday I was going to see him. Oh God...
What I learnt from this, and what I would pass onto other people from my experience is this:
- You don't need to 'look' for a partner. They will appear when the time is right, and deliberately looking will often end in settling.
- Don't let your phone battery run out. I'm so paranoid about what might not have happened if my battery had died earlier than it did that I carry a spare in my purse. Okay, we would have continued when I got home and phone plugged in, and neither of us would have let the conversation end where it did because we both knew where it was going, but it still scares me. I'm never going to chance something good not happening again because of a dead battery.
- The person you'll end up with might be closer than you think, even if its someone you previously really didn't like.
- In my next life, I will be giving more hugs. I like to hope we would have happened anyway, but I can't see how I would have realised the physical as well as the mental want for him if he hadn't started hugging me.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
The Chasers
I debated whether to go off on a tangent and talk about my toys, but I decided I want to post in a chronological order.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, as I got to the late teens and beyond, there wasn't a lack of guys throwing themselves at me, but I turned them all down. I was completely not ready for a relationship.
Apart from not being ready for a relationship, there was a common problem between most of these guys. I dont believe in love at first sight (which probably warrants another blog post later on), and since I wasn't going to throw myself at just anyone (because as I said, I wanted to be sure any relationship I got into would work out), asking me out before they'd got to know me or even spoken to me properly wasn't going to go down well. Some of them, I'm actually quite embarrassed about. My total disinterest in boys at the time meant I had no idea of how to let them down gently. It often meant lies and being blunt which resulted in hurt feelings. I wish I could have let some of them down a bit gentler because I know now how much guts it takes to ask someone out, but I can't change the past.
There are three guys I can particularly remember (although there were others). One of them worked at a shop just down from where I work, and I used to go in there almost every weekend to buy lunch. I heard on the grapevine that he liked me, but I wasn't really sure who this person was everyone was telling me about! Well, I went in there one day to buy lunch and he followed me out and told me his feelings. By God, it was awkward. And it goes to show how important it is to get to know a person beforehand, because although it did actually turn out we had some common interests (we're on reasonable terms now), our personalities were in conflict and it would never have worked out as a relationship.
The second to this day remains a legend at my workplace. There was a guy at work (we'll call him J) and he was extremely popular in an unpopular way, if that makes any sense at all. He had learning difficulties (although I'm still one of only a few who knows this) and he had his sights set on me. The thing was, this guy had actually got to know me quite well and we were quite friendly and got on. The trouble was, he was mistaking my friendliness for something more. He had this thing where he rated the girls at work in a kind of heirarchy which was a bit of a joke amongst the staff, and I ended up working my way up to number one. One evening just before work was over, he asked me out. Of course I had no interest in him and I said no, although the way he asked it I hadnt realised he was being serious, so I broke the poor guy's heart. I wish the story could have ended there, but he didn't take no for an answer, and he never got it into his head that I had absolutely no interest in him. Cue an endless amount of awkward conversations where he talked about how he thinks we had something between us. I'm sure he still thinks that now, even though we're both with other people. I didnt want to be mean, and there was no way I could get him to realise that I had never and would never have any romantic interest in him and know that I was serious about it. Thankfully, he ended up leaving and now lives at the other end of the country.
The third guy is also another long and interesting story involving a fair amount of lies, deception and awkward moments. This guy actually did some really hurtful things to me along the way. But, we both changed as people over the years. We kept in touch and this guy became my first and current boyfriend. Again, I think this goes to show something. I know I wouldnt have said yes to him at the time because I just wasn't ready or wanting a relationship, but had he spoke to me and gotten to know me before jumping in and asking me out, I'd have realised we were actually pretty similar and he'd have increased his chances considerably if he'd taken the time to get to know me. We're both glad I said no because we wouldnt have what we have now, but it does prove a point.
Although there were alot of bad things that happened between us at the beginning, I'm kind of glad it happened. Had it not, we wouldnt be together now, and it scares me to think how easily we might never have met or been in touch with each other.
So, I suppose guys chasing after me isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it works out for the best later on (try six years later - that was the time between his initial asking me out and actually getting me to say yes), but I get extremely intimidated by other guys telling me they have feelings for me, which isn't the best way to go in trying to start a relationship with me, especially if I hardly know you.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, as I got to the late teens and beyond, there wasn't a lack of guys throwing themselves at me, but I turned them all down. I was completely not ready for a relationship.
Apart from not being ready for a relationship, there was a common problem between most of these guys. I dont believe in love at first sight (which probably warrants another blog post later on), and since I wasn't going to throw myself at just anyone (because as I said, I wanted to be sure any relationship I got into would work out), asking me out before they'd got to know me or even spoken to me properly wasn't going to go down well. Some of them, I'm actually quite embarrassed about. My total disinterest in boys at the time meant I had no idea of how to let them down gently. It often meant lies and being blunt which resulted in hurt feelings. I wish I could have let some of them down a bit gentler because I know now how much guts it takes to ask someone out, but I can't change the past.
There are three guys I can particularly remember (although there were others). One of them worked at a shop just down from where I work, and I used to go in there almost every weekend to buy lunch. I heard on the grapevine that he liked me, but I wasn't really sure who this person was everyone was telling me about! Well, I went in there one day to buy lunch and he followed me out and told me his feelings. By God, it was awkward. And it goes to show how important it is to get to know a person beforehand, because although it did actually turn out we had some common interests (we're on reasonable terms now), our personalities were in conflict and it would never have worked out as a relationship.
The second to this day remains a legend at my workplace. There was a guy at work (we'll call him J) and he was extremely popular in an unpopular way, if that makes any sense at all. He had learning difficulties (although I'm still one of only a few who knows this) and he had his sights set on me. The thing was, this guy had actually got to know me quite well and we were quite friendly and got on. The trouble was, he was mistaking my friendliness for something more. He had this thing where he rated the girls at work in a kind of heirarchy which was a bit of a joke amongst the staff, and I ended up working my way up to number one. One evening just before work was over, he asked me out. Of course I had no interest in him and I said no, although the way he asked it I hadnt realised he was being serious, so I broke the poor guy's heart. I wish the story could have ended there, but he didn't take no for an answer, and he never got it into his head that I had absolutely no interest in him. Cue an endless amount of awkward conversations where he talked about how he thinks we had something between us. I'm sure he still thinks that now, even though we're both with other people. I didnt want to be mean, and there was no way I could get him to realise that I had never and would never have any romantic interest in him and know that I was serious about it. Thankfully, he ended up leaving and now lives at the other end of the country.
The third guy is also another long and interesting story involving a fair amount of lies, deception and awkward moments. This guy actually did some really hurtful things to me along the way. But, we both changed as people over the years. We kept in touch and this guy became my first and current boyfriend. Again, I think this goes to show something. I know I wouldnt have said yes to him at the time because I just wasn't ready or wanting a relationship, but had he spoke to me and gotten to know me before jumping in and asking me out, I'd have realised we were actually pretty similar and he'd have increased his chances considerably if he'd taken the time to get to know me. We're both glad I said no because we wouldnt have what we have now, but it does prove a point.
Although there were alot of bad things that happened between us at the beginning, I'm kind of glad it happened. Had it not, we wouldnt be together now, and it scares me to think how easily we might never have met or been in touch with each other.
So, I suppose guys chasing after me isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it works out for the best later on (try six years later - that was the time between his initial asking me out and actually getting me to say yes), but I get extremely intimidated by other guys telling me they have feelings for me, which isn't the best way to go in trying to start a relationship with me, especially if I hardly know you.
The Teenage Years, I Suppose
I was a slow bloomer in life. As a teenager, I was usually quite quiet and reserved in social situations, and although I've been getting over it, I still am to a certain extent). When I was in secondary school, I was actually quite outgoing within my friendship group, but one of them moved away at the end of year 7 and the whole group split up. I made friends within the Pokemon craze, but that broke down as it got banned at my school. I later found another group of friends, but they eventually all started sneaking out of school at breaktimes to smoke, and since I refused to go with them we drifted apart, leaving me as a loner.
The relationships of these people did have quite an effect on me though. They never seemed to mean anything. I remember two of my friends getting together, and they were head over heels in love. The next thing we know, she's dumped him (for something stupid like she just got bored) and he's sat next to me in a Science lesson trying to slit his wrists with safety scissors. The main thing I did notice though was how completely pathetic it all seemed. I didnt really get close to people even in a sense of friendship, so maybe I just didn't get it, but I didn't think that all these fleeting relationships were any way to find happiness.
I didn't feel bad though. I was perfectly happy on my own. Even though I got my first period in year 7, I never felt any kind of need, either physical or mental for another person. I never even felt any kind of attraction to anyone else. There was only ever one person I felt even the slightest for, but I realise years later that I think it was a mixture of peer pressure to have a boyfriend and confusing a strong like for someone as love. I certainly never felt strong enough to make a move, and I'm glad I didn't because I couldn't have handled it. I did have the occasional guy ask me, but I just wasnt interested in boys, and I think I must have been giving off some kind of vibe that made most guys just leave me alone. I was happy that way.
Over these years, I gained the attitude that I wasn't going to throw my love life away. I wasn't going to let myself be the one trying to cut my wrists over someone I'd only been going out with for a week or two. It was probably something to do with my personality as well, but I wasn't going to throw myself into a relationship unless I was sure it was going to work out.
This did result in me not having a boyfriend until not long before my twenty-second birthday. By then I was starting to feel a kind of physical urge, but I would certainly never let my urges get the best of me and have me settle for someone. Had I not found someone I felt I really loved and cared about, I'd still be single now. I was happy on my own. I'd have been unhappy if I settled, and by this time there were certainly enough guys who'd thrown themselves at me that I could have settled for. There'll be time for that story later though.
The relationships of these people did have quite an effect on me though. They never seemed to mean anything. I remember two of my friends getting together, and they were head over heels in love. The next thing we know, she's dumped him (for something stupid like she just got bored) and he's sat next to me in a Science lesson trying to slit his wrists with safety scissors. The main thing I did notice though was how completely pathetic it all seemed. I didnt really get close to people even in a sense of friendship, so maybe I just didn't get it, but I didn't think that all these fleeting relationships were any way to find happiness.
I didn't feel bad though. I was perfectly happy on my own. Even though I got my first period in year 7, I never felt any kind of need, either physical or mental for another person. I never even felt any kind of attraction to anyone else. There was only ever one person I felt even the slightest for, but I realise years later that I think it was a mixture of peer pressure to have a boyfriend and confusing a strong like for someone as love. I certainly never felt strong enough to make a move, and I'm glad I didn't because I couldn't have handled it. I did have the occasional guy ask me, but I just wasnt interested in boys, and I think I must have been giving off some kind of vibe that made most guys just leave me alone. I was happy that way.
Over these years, I gained the attitude that I wasn't going to throw my love life away. I wasn't going to let myself be the one trying to cut my wrists over someone I'd only been going out with for a week or two. It was probably something to do with my personality as well, but I wasn't going to throw myself into a relationship unless I was sure it was going to work out.
This did result in me not having a boyfriend until not long before my twenty-second birthday. By then I was starting to feel a kind of physical urge, but I would certainly never let my urges get the best of me and have me settle for someone. Had I not found someone I felt I really loved and cared about, I'd still be single now. I was happy on my own. I'd have been unhappy if I settled, and by this time there were certainly enough guys who'd thrown themselves at me that I could have settled for. There'll be time for that story later though.
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