The Teenage Years, I Suppose

I was a slow bloomer in life. As a teenager, I was usually quite quiet and reserved in social situations, and although I've been getting over it, I still am to a certain extent). When I was in secondary school, I was actually quite outgoing within my friendship group, but one of them moved away at the end of year 7 and the whole group split up. I made friends within the Pokemon craze, but that broke down as it got banned at my school. I later found another group of friends, but they eventually all started sneaking out of school at breaktimes to smoke, and since I refused to go with them we drifted apart, leaving me as a loner.

The relationships of these people did have quite an effect on me though. They never seemed to mean anything. I remember two of my friends getting together, and they were head over heels in love. The next thing we know, she's dumped him (for something stupid like she just got bored) and he's sat next to me in a Science lesson trying to slit his wrists with safety scissors. The main thing I did notice though was how completely pathetic it all seemed. I didnt really get close to people even in a sense of friendship, so maybe I just didn't get it, but I didn't think that all these fleeting relationships were any way to find happiness.

I didn't feel bad though. I was perfectly happy on my own. Even though I got my first period in year 7, I never felt any kind of need, either physical or mental for another person. I never even felt any kind of attraction to anyone else. There was only ever one person I felt even the slightest for, but I realise years later that I think it was a mixture of peer pressure to have a boyfriend and confusing a strong like for someone as love. I certainly never felt strong enough to make a move, and I'm glad I didn't because I couldn't have handled it. I did have the occasional guy ask me, but I just wasnt interested in boys, and I think I must have been giving off some kind of vibe that made most guys just leave me alone. I was happy that way.

Over these years, I gained the attitude that I wasn't going to throw my love life away. I wasn't going to let myself be the one trying to cut my wrists over someone I'd only been going out with for a week or two. It was probably something to do with my personality as well, but I wasn't going to throw myself into a relationship unless I was sure it was going to work out.

This did result in me not having a boyfriend until not long before my twenty-second birthday. By then I was starting to feel a kind of physical urge, but I would certainly never let my urges get the best of me and have me settle for someone. Had I not found someone I felt I really loved and cared about, I'd still be single now. I was happy on my own. I'd have been unhappy if I settled, and by this time there were certainly enough guys who'd thrown themselves at me that I could have settled for. There'll be time for that story later though.