What I learnt from Cosmopolitan magazine

I bought a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine over the weekend. To be honest, I quite dislike this magazine and everything it stands for, but I wanted something to read while I was at work, and the gorgeous Mistress Cara was in there so I had to!

A few of the other girls at work have bought copies in the past and have left them lying around, meaning I've had some exposure to this magazine in the past. Up until now, I've just felt that this magazine really isn't for me, but this issue had me really wound up. I weep for the future of humanity, wound up.

I've already spoken on this blog of how I was a late starter in life. I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was almost 22, so sometimes I feel a little behind in the sense that I feel I lack some of the maturities that come from experience in relationships. There are times when I act like a schoolgirl with her first crush and sometimes I feel a little stupid and embarrassed afterwards. I thank the lord that I never read Cosmo as a teenager. It would have screwed me over for life. The tips and advice this magazine gives out, it's a wonder that any of these women have partners at all. There are men in there as well sometimes, and they all deserve a slap too. Let me talk you through June's issue of Cosmopolitan.

We're five pages into the magazine before we actually reach anything readable. Contents and a load of ads for perfume. Okay.

"On the cover" page tells me how to "steal Kimberly's sexy look". Steal her look or steal her makeup bag? The hours that must go into making herself up every day before she's able to walk out the door must be astronomical. So much makeup! Admittedly this is a photoshoot and I doubt she wears that much day to day, but still.

What I've been told:

• Wearing all this stuff can make me sexy

What I've actually learnt:

• So many issues. Look close enough at a sexy woman like this and you might actually be able to see her real face underneath. Does it mean I'm not sexy because I don't wear any?

The first article that really gets me worked up is the confessions article, which features confessions from women who dump men for stupid reasons. I officially give you permission to slap me if I ever dump a boyfriend for a reason as petty as being unable to spell, having a weird laugh or having arms that might be a little bit too short. This to me is just a tiny glimpse into the world of these insane women who have unrealistically high standards. There is no way that any real man can actually live up to the image this magazine is saying they should be, and it seems if they're not then it's fine to dump them. Don't settle for anything less than perfection!

What I've been told:

• Don't settle for anything less than perfection.

What I've actually learnt:

• Perhaps Cosmo will help the planet by keeping the population down. With relationship tips like these, there's no way any of these women will be able to hold down a relationship long enough to have kids.

The next article irritates me. How to have sex to fall in love. I'm cool with harnessing the power of hormones, but if I was a lad and read any of the articles in this magazine, I'd be unable to have sex again without wondering whether my girl had some kind of ulterior motive.

What I've been told:

• If there are any problems at all in your relationship, sex is the answer! You can totally use hormones to your advantage.
• Hell, forget having a personality or anything like that. You don't need that to get a boyfriend. Just use sex!

What I've actually learnt:

• Can we not just have sex because it feels good? Should I be having some kind of ulterior motive every time I want sex?
• The way they talk about these hormones, it's almost like legal drugging.

Next, an article from some guys talking about what men think. I hope this article is exaggerated or just a bad choice of men answering the questions. Sheesh, I thought it was women were supposed to be the ones who were complicated. I hope my boyfriend doesn't analyse my actions like these men do. I'm never going to leave anything at my boyfriend's house, I'd be too worried about his reaction if this article is anything to go by!

Centrefold section, featuring 21 topless men 'so hot we had to seal it!'

What I've been told:

• These men are insanely hot.

What I've actually learnt:

• Yup, I'm definitely bisexual. Despite the range of different bodies in here, none of them do a thing for me.

Further things this magazine taught me:

• All your friends are manipulative bitches. Don't try going on holiday with them.
• If there's something that your father must never know, it's a good idea to write your story in a national magazine.
• I'm practically obese because I have curves.
• I should be seriously concerned about my relationship. Chances are 80% we're going to split up because we don't have the same sexuality. I wish I knew who they were surveying for this.
• I'm really untrendy.
• You can burn off a packet of crisps by sleeping for three hours. Apparently.
• My best chance to get pregnant in years arrives this month. I don't want to get pregnant.
• Whether a celeb is an acceptable crush to have seems to depend on their status rather than their looks. For example, Gordon Ramsey and Simon Cowell yes, but Noel Edmonds no. Feel free to argue with me here, but I'd say Noel Edmonds is better than both of them. Older perhaps, but at least he's not consumed with himself.
• It's totally okay as a professional photographer to submit photos for a glossy magazine that are out of focus and have red eye in them. Hell, the last issue of Cosmopolitan I read was November last year, and the photo on the front cover was out of focus!
• This magazine gives you nightmares. No, really. I've written this blog post over two days, and the night inbetween I had my worst nightmare in years, and I can trace 90% of it back to something I read in Cosmo.
• My boyfriend was really into me on the day I was reading this. How do I know? He texted me between 12 noon and 5pm. Anything after 11pm means you mean nothing to him.
• My boyfriend and I must both be freaks. This is because neither of us would be freaked if I said my idea of getting kinky was playful spanking or rubber underwear.
• Guys hate dirty, kinky talk.
• I didn't have sex with my boyfriend until almost four months into our relationship. Something must have been seriously wrong. I mean, we should have been having sex before we were together!

This magazine seriously gets me wound up. It's so completely shallow, and its views on sex are extremely vanilla. The most deviant it gets are the adverts for sex toys in the back, which are mixed in amongst the sea of ads for plastic surgery.



I will give it credit for the good things. There were bits in there about testicular cancer, stalkers, sexual health and some good advice which I feel goes to redeem it a little bit, and I'd be lying if I said I'd learnt nothing at all from their article on oral sex, but I do worry about the state of mind of the women who read this on a regular basis. It's like some insane new form of feminism where we're no longer subservient to men, but instead we are completely in control and being taught to manipulate men to get them exactly where we want them, but rather than burn our bras like we used to, we're going to look fabulous, darling!

I mean no offense anyone reading this who may be Cosmopolitan readers, but I think the only way you can really read this magazine and come out sane the other end is with a big dose of cynicism, and remember that much of what they present as facts are mostly just opinions. You're not half as shallow as the people writing it, and you're much better off for it.


P.S I'm aware that some of my recent posts have seemed quite cynical. I haven't meant it to be that way. I promise a nice, happy, sunshiney post next time!

Ecksvie

x